I Need Help!

It’s time for me to start thinking about things and start thinking hard. Before I mentioned problems at an older job with my Captain and the employees there. There are more problems than I can ever explain, it’s just endless. With the help of my awesome man I was able to land a new job, go me! However hours have not picked up enough at this job to leave my current hell, but now I’m thinking I’m just going to have to quit and deal with it.

This is the first time I can honestly say I hate my job. Maybe I should clarify that some, I don’t hate the job, I love what I do, I hate the people I work with. More times than I can count these people make me want to kill myself. I am seriously sitting here today and found myself wanting to just end it all. I’m so sick of this place. I really need to think about things if I’m wanting to kill myself while I’m here.

I need help! I can’t afford counseling, not with all these issues with my teeth coming up. I can’t afford to just quit, not with the bills from my teeth. I’m so stuck and feel like I’m at a dead end, I feel so helpless right now! I never ask for help, every. For as long as I can remember I have taken care of myself and been on my own, but I need help! And bad! I don’t want to make a stupid mistake, I don’t want to use a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Help!

I sent the following e-mail to my chief.

Chief Blank:

I am requesting a leave of absence during the month of July, 2012. Due to recent events within the department and treatment from my fellow employees, I am requesting time off for my own mental health. I will not be putting in availability for this month. For my own sanity I cannot be stationed with my fellow employees for extended hours. I need some time off to consider myself and what I want to do with my current career with “said department”.

If staff is needed for PR events or CPR/First Aid training please feel free to contact me, I am more than willing to help. As you both know, I love doing both these things and would love to help.

After a month off, and time to think, I will continue to put in regular availability unless I decide to resign my position from “said department”, at which time you will receive a months notice.

Thank you for your time,
“The employee accused of fucking the boss” <– no, I promise I didn’t sign it this way, but I should have. I’m sick of being accused of so much that I have not, will not, and do not do! Ugh!

I can’t afford it, but I really need to think about myself and take the time off. This means my position will be held, so I have not quit, but I get 30 days to decide what to do and get a break from these assholes who’s current game plan is to ignore me completely, like I’m invisible. They don’t even respond to me if I talk or ask a question. Talk about feeling worthless.

I can’t deal with all this! First my dad, now that…it has to end! I’m only one person, I’m not strong enough for this! I’m breaking down here, breaking down more than I have before. I just can’t take it anymore, I want it all to end and I don’t care anymore. I’m done with it all. I just don’t even feel the need to live anymore and this is scary to think about. I don’t want this. I really need help.

Dear Dad

I officially hate you! I know what you’re thinking…hate is a strong word! Let’s review the definition:

Hate [heyt] verb, hat·ed, hat·ing, noun
verb (used with object)
1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry.
2. to be unwilling; dislike: I hate to do it.
You don’t like the word hate? Ok, Dear dad, I intensely and passionately dislike you! There is more hostility now than ever! I detest you! Better? Let’s go through the reasons why, shall we?
  1. You bitch to your friends about me planning and taking a vacation I paid for! Get over it that I didn’t tell you! I was 24 years old at the time…grow up!
  2. You’ve never, not once shown any appreciation, nor pride for me. Thanks! You wonder why I didn’t invite you and mom to my fire department graduation…this is number one why!
  3. You beat my ass any given chance.
  4. You put me down every given chance.
  5. You pick on me.
  6. You never have anything positive to say to or about me.
  7. You treat me like some pile of shit you walked in.
  8. You make sure I feel worthless.
  9. You treat me like a child! Sign MY car over to me already!
  10. You lie to your family about me!
This list could go on forever. But what broke me down today, worse than before? What made me cry? What cause my man to come over and take care of me? The below conservation, word for word. Yes, that is the exact way his texts came through.
From me: I would appreciate if you signed my car over to me. I am a 25 year old adult and you cannot control me anymore. The car is mine, I paid for it and you have never paid a penny since I’ve owned it. I’d also appreciate your family, especially your mother, not blaming me for the divorce. I work 5 jobs AND go to school! I’m not like your son, you can’t expect me to be around, even mom doesn’t see me so I’m sorry but learn to deal with it. You can’t expect me to just forget everything you have done to me over the years, it doesn’t work like that. Once you make an effort like other people have to start treating me better and like an adult than I’ll come around more. Cut me out of your will, life, I don’t care, I will no longer subject myself to being treated crappy. I am an adult and when you start acting like a civilized one than I will be around more.
From my dad: All you care about is you and i will sign when i have time like you you are the one who treats everyone crappy
From me: Grow up.
From my dad: You are the one who should grow up only tome i ever heat from you is when you want something just like right now
It wad never all me or you it is a combo of us
From me: I never said I was perfect but I never deserved what you put me through. I word 5 jobs!! Excuse me if my time is limited! What VERY little time I have off is spent doing work I have to do. I don’t get evenings and weekends off.
From my dad: I never said that all you could do Ian call because when i call you act like i am bother you that might not be right but that is how it feels and i know you work alot i am proud of what you have become

At this point I gave up and just stopped all communication. Fuck him! Pardon my language! I’m not perfect and I’ll be honest, I make zero effort to contact or go see him! Hell, I didn’t even go over to get my Christmas present until the end of February and didn’t get my birthday present until 3 months later. Why should I come see him?! The man used to beat me for no real reason, just because he was angry. He beat me so hard one night I blacked out and woke up to my mom screaming my name. I still remember the first time he hit me, or at least the first time I remember being hit.

It was a stormy night, my sister would shut up. We were in the first house then, just a little two bedroom so I was sharing bunk beds with my sister and my brother was in there too. Tiny house! Anyway, my sister wouldn’t shut up and couldn’t fall asleep because of the storms. I finally told her to be quiet or we’ll be in trouble. I’m not sure why but I had an irrational fear of him then. When I told her to be quit it was my voice my dad swore he heard, not hers talking to whole time. He called me out to the living room when him and my mom were watching tv. Told me to come over to him and popped my ass so hard I couldn’t move. I cried for hours. My mom was shocked. She comforted me for a while but finally told me to shut up already and go to sleep. I couldn’t believe it. From then on I was scared to death and knew my fate.

That was not the only time he hit me, slowly those hits turned into beating. I remember one day, in our third house, he threw me into the wall, when I bounced off he knocked me across the head. Down I went, not out, but down for the count. I couldn’t get up. Couldn’t move. It hurt bad. There was another moment in our third house, he beat me in front of the neighbors. He was getting bolder by then. He let me have it. Held me down and punched me in the arm, back, then head. That’s when people stopped coming over. That’s when people stopped “fighting for me.” I was on my own after that.

There is one final day in our third house that stands out in my memory more than others. I was working 3 jobs and going to school. It was 2 retail jobs, tutoring, and full time student. It was exhausting! Monday-Friday I was up at 4am, off to job 1 from 5am-10am. At 10am I left for school, 45 minutes south of work, school was from 11am-12pm. After school I had to tutor student for an hour, until 1pm. At 1pm I left to drive back 45 minutes north to the same location, but different building for job 2, which I had to be at by 2pm. I worked job 2 until 11pm. Drove 30 minutes home and started the cycle all over again at 4am. Saturday and Sunday was job 1/job 2 in the morning followed by the other job in the evening. Working 7 days a week, taking classroom classes 5 days a week, and two online classes.

One night during this time frame I got a text from my dad bitching about how dirty our room was. I say “our room” because I shared it with my sister. I wasn’t home enough to make a mess and I did the best I could to keep it clean, but he was pissed. I got home at 11:30 that night to every single item out of my closet, out of my dresser, off shelves, out from under my bed…EVERYTHING in my room piled on the floor. I was LIVID! In fact that doesn’t even begin to describe how pissed I was! And to top it off I was told I had to clean it ALL before I was allowed to go to bed! I still had homework and had to be up at 4am for work…that didn’t matter.I was dead tired the next day. Exhausted beyond belief. I was so tired that I fell asleep behind the wheel. Scariest moment of my life. By God’s grace I managed not to wreck or hit anyone but from that moment on I swore things would change. I got a boyfriend (stories on later, now asshole ex), changed majors, changed jobs, and stayed away from home as much as possible. My life changed after that.

This same father, who has done numerous other things, expects me to just drop by, call and chat, like nothing ever happened…I don’t think so! You have taken too much control of my life and ruined too much happiness for me. I’m done! I am determined to stay strong and stand up for myself! I will no longer subject myself to that treatment. You abused me too many times! I’m done! So when Father’s Day comes…I will NOT be spending it with my father! I will be celebrating the people who stood in his place and showed me the love and help me when I need it most.

I know this picture will probably piss some people off, I’m sorry, but it’s kind of funny. Dad’s running from responsibility…I know a lot of that and color has NOTHING to do with it! I just need a laugh and this picture made that happen. Sorry folks, please refrain from negative comments, this is my blog and I am going to share anything that makes me laugh, just like the following, it made me laugh too!

Cashew (noun) – The sound of a nut sneezing.

Thank you for the laugh GrouchyRabbit!

Vacation, it’s all I ever needed!

Thursday thru Sunday of this week I am going camping, kayaking, and fishing in a section that has zero cell service and I am beyond excited!! I can’t wait to escape from this world! My mother has been extra pissy lately, apparently divorcing my dad didn’t solve all her problems like she had hoped. She’s been screaming at me to do all kinds of work before I leave while my 21 year old, never had a job, failed out of a community college brother sits playing Call of Duty…just bullshit in my opinion, but whatever, her house her rules.

On Mother’s Day my OM came over and we cooked dinner for my mom. She was in a hurry and didn’t really show her appreciate for the food, which is normal for both my parents, part of why I never bother doing anything for them. My OM noticed this too and we had a discussion when we were able to sneak away for a few minutes. We both think that my mom is just not saying anything about us, that she knows what’s going on, but hopes it passes. That seems to be here attitude, like if she ignores it, it’ll go away…sorry mom, this isn’t going away…in fact, our plans are to make it permanent one day. I guess we’ll see where life takes us..

Anyway, just wanted to advise you that I’m tired, have to work 24 hours starting very early in the morning, I just got off work, and I’m leaving for a few days after all of this. Expect more posts when I get back. Thanks for reading my useless ramble. : )