I’m Giving Up

When I first got into this field I volunteered 6 months on the ambulance waiting for them to hire me. I have fought for every job I have to prove myself. Every day I work my ass off, cleaning, working, doing everyone else’s work. I volunteer to help all the time, do extra hours, volunteer time, stay around to help, but does it matter? Does it mean anything?

No. It never does and it never will.

I see people all the time get hired, never having to volunteer. People say what excellent employees they are, but I see them sitting around all the time. Zero experience and just walk into a job. They get full time while I’m busting my ass to stay on the part time list.

It pisses me off! More than I can ever explain! More than it probably should. I can’t explain the hurt inside me, the feeling of being forgotten. I can’t stop the pain and I can’t explain why it’s so strong. Tonight I can’t handle it anymore. I’m done! I give up! I quit! I’ll never be good enough, ever. It’s as simple as that.

Good Evening My Followers

How is life treating each of you? My life is going ok, just been busy. I have so much to catch up on! I’m working like crazy but still trying to catch up on bills from when I wasn’t working then I had car trouble. My old car. Still nothing wrong with the engine, that beast just won’t die! lol But it seems someone is cutting my valve stems…I had to buy two new tires three weeks ago, had to buy another tire again this week. I am getting very frustrated and falling much further behind because I just started breaking even! May I wish I could just catch up…don’t we all. I’m working practically every single day and still not quit there, but that’s ok. I’m working hard and will get myself out of this…some how. Life just likes adding challenges when a person is finally trying to pull through.

Other than work, life involves sleep…that’s about it. Honestly. I have so much on my mind I want to share here but either don’t have the ability to type it all out or am just too freaking tired to do so. Work is keeping my butt moving…non stop…literally! People need to stop calling 911! Well, not all of them. The problem is the people that don’t need the ambulance are the ones that freaking call, all the time, several times a week! But the ones that do need it won’t call until it’s too late. That will get me on a rant about our damn system in this country…not only has the government fucked us all! I get to deal with those lazy ass free loaders all damn day! But I will save that for another time…for now…have a good night! I’m exhausted and need sleep before work…again! Take care all!

Emergency Surgery

I know I have some e-mails from a few of you and I’m very sorry I haven’t answered. I will get to that today, I promise. If this doesn’t make much sense, I’m sorry, I’m loving these drugs! I woke up sweating, vomiting, and just felt like death, it was horrible. Tried getting ready for work and had to call off. Felt a knot on my jaw and knew something was horribly wrong.

I have my parents horrible teeth! I HATE it!! I had my teeth cleaned and check two weeks ago and they said everything was “fine”…apparently not. My dentist said he thinks “there’s an abscess but he’s not concerned.” WTF?!?! Called in an antibiotic and told me see an oral surgeon within the week. That in itself has been a nightmare.

The closest places either didn’t accept my insurance or didn’t have any appointments for 4-6 weeks!!! Are you kidding me???? Apparently those stupid receptionists have no idea what an EMERGENCY is!! I was NOT looking forward to this after the nightmare of my wisdom teeth. Finally found a guy that was a little over an hour away and man am I glad I saw him!!

Found out the assholes at Anthem STILL had my insurance fucked up! Which is why this tooth wasn’t care for properly the first time when I broke it. Went to my appointment and was told it’s denied because I have a 12-month waiting period on insurance I have had since 2010!! Are you fucking kidding me!! I cried! Right there in the office! Just broke down! I was in pain, scared, and couldn’t afford this shit! They agreed to do the work and if the insurance didn’t get fixed I would be billed later. Thank you God!

The doctor was AMAZING!! Offered to fix the tooth properly but I have had so many problems that I just wanted it out. He pulled it for me. He’s going to work with me on getting an implant put in. I also have TMJ from my car accident, which he was asking about, he is going to fix that too! Said if someone had made me a simple splint 10 years ago, then I wouldn’t have any of the problems I’ve had these days. I sure hope he can fix it, that might help my migraines. I sure hope so!

So now I’m recovering and not doing too bad other than being tired. Recovering on my own because no one has time for me. Oh well, that’s my fault. So if you sent me an e-mail, I will be replying soon. Just so tired, but I promise soon. I’m sorry.

Holiday Weekend

How are my blogging friends? I hope all is well. I have been pretty quiet lately, mostly because I don’t know how to get everything out of my head. It’s just one freaking mess right now! I’m doing ok, overall, but I’m just a mess in my head.  I can’t get anything right and get it out. I just don’t know where to start.

What’s new with me?

Still loving this new job!

Still hating hell job!

Still caching as much as I can!

Still working on a cache series hide!

Still trying to convince my man that I don’t want to find someone else. He says he loves me enough to let me go, he wants me to find someone my age that I can have a full life with, a family, everything I always wanted. I can’t get him to understand that I’ve found the person I want. He’s so good to me, treats me wonderful, makes sure I’m cared for, makes sure I’m happy, loves me. I don’t want to go searching for that again. You know how hard it is to find a decent man??? Actually, to find a man at all?? I swear, all the guys around here are just children!! I’ve never been on for the bar scene and honestly, what kind of people are you going to find that way? I don’t want someone that drinks a lot, it’s not me. Not with the hell I went through with my family, both my parents drink enough for the entire state! So where and how do I find someone? And what if I don’t want to?? My heart doesn’t want to!!

Jobs, Jobs Everywhere

So I realized earlier tonight that all my blog is quit confusing with all these jobs I have now. It’s easier to keep track of “hell” job because that’s the only one I have that is pure hell. But I have many other jobs I love so how do we keep those in order? I guess I’ll have to start numbering them.

Hell job will stay as hell job, also known as Job 1 because that is the first one I had. When hell job started to go to crap, worse than it was, I found another job. I loved this job, I used to call it my good job, but I got other good jobs. So let’s make that first good job I got Job 2 because technically it was my next job on the trucks. I have others between there, but we never talk about those so I’m skipping them.

Not long ago, I got offered a job, shortly after I had applied for my dream job. I kind of fell over this job, it was a complete accidental. I had class with a high ranking person on a department not horribly far from me. It was quit the drive, but it was hours and I need that to get me out of hell. So I took it and I love it there too! We’ll call that Job 3, because it was my next official job after the first one I like. I still love it there!

And finally, the newest job, the one I recently posted about. This had been my dream job, the job I wanted when I first got into this career. I am beyond happy about this job! It’s what I always wanted! I know several people there, a few bad, but not near hell job, no one else tolerates that shit! Since this job came last we shall call it Job 4. I can’t think of any other way to refer to them for now so we shall just use the number system.

I guess I’m back to studying for now because I’ve breaked long enough. First test tomorrow morning, medical exam for the new job. Then a State test to obtain a certification for the fire side. Then Thursday is my Critical Care Paramedic final…FINALLY! Followed by my practical test for the new job. I’m ready to get this week over with!

Still Living

I’m alive! Super busy! But alive! This class is keeping me BUSY! Very very busy, just trying to keep up! But I’m taking a break to give everyone a little bit of an update. So here it is…

First, I got that new job. I start soon and I can’t wait! Paperwork done, just have to schedule my “third person shifts” to go though orientation, then I’ll be on my own. I worked the other job I like today, we were busy all morning! Here’s a tip…having a busy day? Just fly a few out, you won’t have a single call, no one on the department will, for 6 hours after! I guess that’s a good thing for the patients…we were bored though. I got it will quiet after a few helicopter rides. I had a city trip too and we get to stop for food, which I love about those trips. While we were eating a father and his daughter were at a table near us. They asked where we were located out of and I chatted with them for a bit. We went to pay and found out the guy bought our food! I wish I could have thanked him! It’s incredible what some people will do! And it shows you that you need to treat EVERY patient good because you never know who you’ll come across! My first boss made sure I knew what customer service meant and if you couldn’t do it properly, they were more than happy to show you out the door. My co-workers don’t understand that these people we transport are our paycheck! They don’t know how bad dirty rigs look to our company. They just don’t know.

This week I meet with an adviser to sign up for classes for a Bachelor degree. I have more than enough credits for a Bachelor, but so many are required to be from a 4 year school so I have to pick a major AND a minor, maybe two minors, because I won’t have enough credit hours with just the one. I don’t know what I’m going to pick yet. I was thinking about a minor in photography, but I’m not sure what to do my major in. I don’t know yet…guess I need to keep thinking about that. I need my Bachelor in something I can fall back on in case of injury in the field. Time to think…

I also have my first meeting with a counselor…this should be interesting. She seemed real nice and comfortable on the phone so we shall see. I’m a bit nervous, but I know I need it. Still have no money or shifts to pay for it, but I guess I have to find a way. I’m already on the Ramen noodle every meal diet…not sure I can go much lower than that…I guess I’ll find a way. It’s been all Ramen noodles and soup for several weeks now but I refuse to ask for money or even tell anyone there is a problem. I’m on my own in this. I haven’t told my man either. I think he suspects, because he has taken me out to dinner a few times. I’m so used to having no food that when we go out to eat I’ll order some side dish and that’s all I’ll eat, my stomach literally can’t handle anything. He probably knows but I’m not telling him, besides he doesn’t have the money to help me, his kids nickle and dime him to death. He really needs to cut them off and stop paying for shit! Hell, they are all over 20, they need to suck it up and stop visiting hospitals just because “they want something wrong with them” as many have put it. They just love attention and pain meds..they both have drug addictions and he’s pretty much fueling that fire! I told him to quit paying but whatever, his choice. Those are some spoiled ass kids and I think he’s finally seeing that. Anyway, thanks to them, the fucking government, and a loss of his part time job he couldn’t help me if he wanted to. All Ramen noodles and off brand soup for me…yum.

Other than that I’ve been just trying to survive. I can only afford to drive to work, so I never leave my house. It’s making life a living fucking hell with my mother! Then she keeps racking up shit I need to pay for too. Rent, dog car, supplies that she uses NOT me, crap she doesn’t need…the bitch is killing me more! I don’t have the money for this shit! Every time she makes me pay for something it cuts back in the food or gas money I don’t have already. I think I would be slightly better off and have real food if it weren’t for her shit. I guess it’s time for sleep for me, another long day, this time holding down fucking hell! I just want to cry, I hate going there, someone shoot me now!

Complicated

Life is just full of complications, isn’t it? Well mine has no short supply!! Things are going ok right now, at least for the moment, so it won’t be long until all hell breaks lose. That’s how it always works so I’m just waiting.

Hell job is going decent, Chief Bitch has been extra nice to me. I don’t trust her, but I have a feeling she got her little ass chewed. I had a meeting with the highest boss, he was a fucking dick this time had complete false information and was mislead. He wouldn’t let me fix his information but whatever, be a dick. I left that meeting pissed off and not happy at all, but I still showed up. I guess he listened to me some because she’s been really nice lately. She’s fucking up some more, so I guess she has to be nice to me so she can get away with her other fuck ups. Doesn’t matter to me, I have a new job and am working there the smallest amount I’m allowed to do, that’s it.

As for Valentine’s day…well I don’t get to spend it with my man. In fact, I saw him Monday and I won’t see him again till Sunday…I’m bummed. I was finally able to get to the store and find him a card though. The outside of the card says: “To the Man I Love. I remember perfectly the moment I first saw you – the way you were standing, what you were wearing, and the skip in my heart, when we finally spoke.
Everything around us disappeared and all I could see was you. I knew that second I had found the one.” The inside says: “Now, so many memories later, I realize how far we’ve come. But still, some things never change, like the way you take my breath away, whenever I see you walking toward me. With every step we take together, I love you even more. You are my best friend, heart and soul, and the love of my life.” I think it’s perfect. I hate that my family can’t accept him in my life the way he is, but I will never stop fighting for what I want. I hope it works out in the end.

Now it’s time for me to prepare. I’m doing a free photoshoot for a friend of mine, they don’t have a lot of money and just had a kid. I agreed to do the pictures for free and they agreed to share my name and tell as many as they can about me. I’m excited, I’ve never done newborn photos before so that is going to be interesting. I hope all works out! I have some cute props and now it’s time to set everything up and get ready. Hope everyone has a great week. I’ll be around soon.

Completely DONE!

I can’t do this! I fucking can’t!! I’m so sick of this shit! Once again zero shifts because the bitch won’t fucking scheduled me! And why?? Because she hates me for causing someone’s demotion! It’s always my fault! I always have to suffer!!! I can’t do this shit anymore! How the fuck am I suppose to pay my bills????

Good Evening!

I have been exceptionally quiet lately…sorry. I also want to apologize now, this post might be all over, like my thoughts tonight. I’m all over and I’ve maxed out on my medication so I’m going to attempt to blog some instead of running around the house like a mad person trying to do the billion things on my list! Let’s start with the beginning, shall we.

Critical care paramedic class…just shoot me now. The first day of class they told us how horrible the class is, how tough the tests are, how we can kiss our life good bye, how we’ll want to shoot ourselves (great, add that to the list), and how it’s basically a TWO YEAR Critical Care RN class put into 12 weeks of ONE DAY a week, 9-5 class…just wonderful. So, shoot me now?? Any takers? Just kidding…for now. So if I’m quiet, you know why. In fact, I will probably be very quiet, or I should be very quiet if I want to pass this crap. But for now, a break from studying and my blog to help.

While sitting though day one of this class I started thinking about EMT class. I used to think it was going to be so tough. I thought I’d never know that crap, I was scared and had no idea how I’d make it. Well, I made it and pretty close to top of my class. I ended EMT class with a 98%. It all seemed to come so natural to me, like many things. Then I started Paramedic, scared to hell. I was extremely scared. Somehow I managed to get through that too with an A as well. I don’t remember the exact grade, but I was second in my class with an A. Not too bad. I feel like I know nothing but I managed to make it through

Now I have started Critical Care class, what are my thoughts? My first…what the hell did I get myself into?!?! My second…I’ll never make it through this. And my third…I can do this. Maybe not well, but I can do this. My man promised to help me through this too. I hope this all goes good too, so if you don’t hear from me…I’m either studying, releasing anger in Call of Duty, or geocaching. If you hear from me, then I’m avoiding all of the above.

I spent the last two days geocaching and some nightmare caches. Day one, it was a difficulty of 5 and a terrain of 4.5. Holy shit! It kicked my ass! Went though this post apocalyptic area that was just…weird. But I’m so glad I got that one out of the way and I talked a geocacher I recently met into going. We had fun. Then day two I got talked into a nightmare cache around here that has only been found 30 times in the 3 years it’s been out. Not only is it a difficulty of 5 with a terrain of 5 (more like 20!!!), but it’s a multi stage and when you get to each stage there is a nightmare puzzle to solve too! I skipped the first 6 stages because I was working, but I helped them solve the puzzles each time. I finally joined for stage 7 and that took over 2 hours to hike to, then we couldn’t figure the puzzle out so we headed back to the cars. Soon we will be going back to finish steps 8-11 and hopefully have that damn thing in our hands! I will be glad to have that one done too.

Oh, did I mention that both days I hiked with my full pack (16lbs) just in case, given the terrain, and the one day I had to carry my mom’s dog because she refused to walk. That was an additional 8lbs to carry. Ugh. Wish I could take just my pup caching because he loves it, but mom won’t allow that. So what’s in my pack to make it weigh that much? Well, a few things everyone should carry and more stuff geared for caching. A small survival kit (needle, string, wire, mirror, whistle, fire starter, cotton balls, etc), a multi tool, lighter, knife, flashlight, water, emergency food (taffy, crackers), 75 feet and 25 feet of webbing, 3 life safety carabiners, paracord sections in random lengths, medical kit (gauze rolls, gauze pads, large trauma pads, bandaids, neosporin, burn gel, emergency blanket, tap, coban, gloves, etc), SPOT device (highly recommended if you are going without cell service), geocaching items (containers, trade items, etc), waterproof box with medicine, and of course my guns, both of them to be exact plus some ammo. I have more stuff, but that’s the basic of it all. I keep it well packed.

Now, for a completely unrelated story, I have to talk about a patient I had, another one that changed my life. This patient is 102 years old. Yes, you read that right and I wrote it right. One HUNDRED and two YEARS old. And he was amazing. Lived alone, took care of himself, fought in the war, watched the flag get put up at Iwo Jima, had no water or electricity in his house until he was in his late 40’s, and had stories of growing up that I wish I could have heard more of. This was one incredible man. When I was leaving I told him to have a great holiday and happy early birthday, to which he responded, “You too, but I think this is going to be my last.” I didn’t know what to say, I was shocked, and he knew it because he had a great response. “I saw on tv an man was 111 and voted, I don’t think I’ll make it that long. And besides, I’ve lived a good life and after you hit 100 there isn’t much further to go from there. I’ve lived my life time, now I’m ready to join my wife.” He was just amazing. He said he wished him and his wife could have had kids, but they couldn’t afford it. He said that is his only regret in life, but his wife did have 1 kid when they married, so he said he didn’t completely miss out on that. I need to check up on him, he was amazing.

Spending time with this man had me thinking about my childhood and what I miss from that time. I miss play Nintendo, the original. My sister broke it about 6 years ago, but ours still worked until then. My brother then sold off all the games, I still hate him for that. I slept with all my stuffed animals because I didn’t want one to be left out. I had that pen with all four colors in it and I always tired to push them all at one time. I used to watch rain drops fall down the window and act like they were racing. I used the soda cap as my shot glass. The computer was strictly used for paint and boy was that fun. I miss my Tamagotchi. When we swallowed a fruit seed we were convinced that a plant was going to grow in our stomach. The street lights meant it was time to go home. We could, and did, play outside for hours, it was acceptable and allowed without worry. I miss those days, the simple times. I want that for my kids, I want them to be able to have the childhood (minus my parents abuse) in the world I did. I don’t want technology to run their life.IMG_1962

I wish I could go back to my childhood and not have to work. Hell job is still a fucking nightmare! I’ll know with this next schedule if that bitch is screwing me over on purpose. I pray she doesn’t because then I’d have to go to the higher Chief, the real one, the good one, but the scary one. I just can’t freaking wait to get away from this bitch, or get her away from me. I just don’t want to deal with this anymore! She makes me want to jump off a cliff! I can’t stand even thinking about her! But…there may be hope. It just so happens that one person in my critical care class hires on a department around me. She offered to bring me an application, asked about my hours available, and all that stuff. I sure hope this is good news for me! It’s quit a drive, a little bit further than the job I like, but I’ll take anything right now. I need the fuck away from that bitch.

I don’t need help because of calls I’ve ran, that’s not killing me. What’s killing me are the people inside, the one’s I’m suppose to be able to work with and talk to about the calls we ran together. The one’s that are suppose to be helping me are the one’s that are killing me. They have caused me hours of planning my death, they have ruined so many good days, they are just ruining me. I work hard, I bust my ass every day, and for what? To be called names, talked about, ignored, and treated like the dirt they walk in. I’ve had some tough calls, but it hasn’t gotten to me like this assholes. I’ve done more research, on ADHD, PTSD, and abuse. The abuse makes all this worse, but these people from work have become the new abuser. I’ve escaped most of the problems with my parents, but now I have a new problem. I’m stuck fighting this battle alone too because no one is here to help me…again. I just want to be able to get away from this all! I promise not to use plan one, now to find another. For now…class, my focus will stay there.

But now it’s time for me to finish studying because tomorrow is death by text book. Another day of class, I’m ready to get past all this legal crap and start learning. This is why I didn’t become a lawyer like I had originally planned…I’m just not into the legal crap.

Good night my readers. I hope all is well. Know I am reading your stuff, I just may not be able to respond, but I am reading.