I’m Giving Up

When I first got into this field I volunteered 6 months on the ambulance waiting for them to hire me. I have fought for every job I have to prove myself. Every day I work my ass off, cleaning, working, doing everyone else’s work. I volunteer to help all the time, do extra hours, volunteer time, stay around to help, but does it matter? Does it mean anything?

No. It never does and it never will.

I see people all the time get hired, never having to volunteer. People say what excellent employees they are, but I see them sitting around all the time. Zero experience and just walk into a job. They get full time while I’m busting my ass to stay on the part time list.

It pisses me off! More than I can ever explain! More than it probably should. I can’t explain the hurt inside me, the feeling of being forgotten. I can’t stop the pain and I can’t explain why it’s so strong. Tonight I can’t handle it anymore. I’m done! I give up! I quit! I’ll never be good enough, ever. It’s as simple as that.

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Good Evening My Followers

How is life treating each of you? My life is going ok, just been busy. I have so much to catch up on! I’m working like crazy but still trying to catch up on bills from when I wasn’t working then I had car trouble. My old car. Still nothing wrong with the engine, that beast just won’t die! lol But it seems someone is cutting my valve stems…I had to buy two new tires three weeks ago, had to buy another tire again this week. I am getting very frustrated and falling much further behind because I just started breaking even! May I wish I could just catch up…don’t we all. I’m working practically every single day and still not quit there, but that’s ok. I’m working hard and will get myself out of this…some how. Life just likes adding challenges when a person is finally trying to pull through.

Other than work, life involves sleep…that’s about it. Honestly. I have so much on my mind I want to share here but either don’t have the ability to type it all out or am just too freaking tired to do so. Work is keeping my butt moving…non stop…literally! People need to stop calling 911! Well, not all of them. The problem is the people that don’t need the ambulance are the ones that freaking call, all the time, several times a week! But the ones that do need it won’t call until it’s too late. That will get me on a rant about our damn system in this country…not only has the government fucked us all! I get to deal with those lazy ass free loaders all damn day! But I will save that for another time…for now…have a good night! I’m exhausted and need sleep before work…again! Take care all!

Emergency Surgery

I know I have some e-mails from a few of you and I’m very sorry I haven’t answered. I will get to that today, I promise. If this doesn’t make much sense, I’m sorry, I’m loving these drugs! I woke up sweating, vomiting, and just felt like death, it was horrible. Tried getting ready for work and had to call off. Felt a knot on my jaw and knew something was horribly wrong.

I have my parents horrible teeth! I HATE it!! I had my teeth cleaned and check two weeks ago and they said everything was “fine”…apparently not. My dentist said he thinks “there’s an abscess but he’s not concerned.” WTF?!?! Called in an antibiotic and told me see an oral surgeon within the week. That in itself has been a nightmare.

The closest places either didn’t accept my insurance or didn’t have any appointments for 4-6 weeks!!! Are you kidding me???? Apparently those stupid receptionists have no idea what an EMERGENCY is!! I was NOT looking forward to this after the nightmare of my wisdom teeth. Finally found a guy that was a little over an hour away and man am I glad I saw him!!

Found out the assholes at Anthem STILL had my insurance fucked up! Which is why this tooth wasn’t care for properly the first time when I broke it. Went to my appointment and was told it’s denied because I have a 12-month waiting period on insurance I have had since 2010!! Are you fucking kidding me!! I cried! Right there in the office! Just broke down! I was in pain, scared, and couldn’t afford this shit! They agreed to do the work and if the insurance didn’t get fixed I would be billed later. Thank you God!

The doctor was AMAZING!! Offered to fix the tooth properly but I have had so many problems that I just wanted it out. He pulled it for me. He’s going to work with me on getting an implant put in. I also have TMJ from my car accident, which he was asking about, he is going to fix that too! Said if someone had made me a simple splint 10 years ago, then I wouldn’t have any of the problems I’ve had these days. I sure hope he can fix it, that might help my migraines. I sure hope so!

So now I’m recovering and not doing too bad other than being tired. Recovering on my own because no one has time for me. Oh well, that’s my fault. So if you sent me an e-mail, I will be replying soon. Just so tired, but I promise soon. I’m sorry.

Holiday Weekend

How are my blogging friends? I hope all is well. I have been pretty quiet lately, mostly because I don’t know how to get everything out of my head. It’s just one freaking mess right now! I’m doing ok, overall, but I’m just a mess in my head.  I can’t get anything right and get it out. I just don’t know where to start.

What’s new with me?

Still loving this new job!

Still hating hell job!

Still caching as much as I can!

Still working on a cache series hide!

Still trying to convince my man that I don’t want to find someone else. He says he loves me enough to let me go, he wants me to find someone my age that I can have a full life with, a family, everything I always wanted. I can’t get him to understand that I’ve found the person I want. He’s so good to me, treats me wonderful, makes sure I’m cared for, makes sure I’m happy, loves me. I don’t want to go searching for that again. You know how hard it is to find a decent man??? Actually, to find a man at all?? I swear, all the guys around here are just children!! I’ve never been on for the bar scene and honestly, what kind of people are you going to find that way? I don’t want someone that drinks a lot, it’s not me. Not with the hell I went through with my family, both my parents drink enough for the entire state! So where and how do I find someone? And what if I don’t want to?? My heart doesn’t want to!!

Jobs, Jobs Everywhere

So I realized earlier tonight that all my blog is quit confusing with all these jobs I have now. It’s easier to keep track of “hell” job because that’s the only one I have that is pure hell. But I have many other jobs I love so how do we keep those in order? I guess I’ll have to start numbering them.

Hell job will stay as hell job, also known as Job 1 because that is the first one I had. When hell job started to go to crap, worse than it was, I found another job. I loved this job, I used to call it my good job, but I got other good jobs. So let’s make that first good job I got Job 2 because technically it was my next job on the trucks. I have others between there, but we never talk about those so I’m skipping them.

Not long ago, I got offered a job, shortly after I had applied for my dream job. I kind of fell over this job, it was a complete accidental. I had class with a high ranking person on a department not horribly far from me. It was quit the drive, but it was hours and I need that to get me out of hell. So I took it and I love it there too! We’ll call that Job 3, because it was my next official job after the first one I like. I still love it there!

And finally, the newest job, the one I recently posted about. This had been my dream job, the job I wanted when I first got into this career. I am beyond happy about this job! It’s what I always wanted! I know several people there, a few bad, but not near hell job, no one else tolerates that shit! Since this job came last we shall call it Job 4. I can’t think of any other way to refer to them for now so we shall just use the number system.

I guess I’m back to studying for now because I’ve breaked long enough. First test tomorrow morning, medical exam for the new job. Then a State test to obtain a certification for the fire side. Then Thursday is my Critical Care Paramedic final…FINALLY! Followed by my practical test for the new job. I’m ready to get this week over with!

Still Living

I’m alive! Super busy! But alive! This class is keeping me BUSY! Very very busy, just trying to keep up! But I’m taking a break to give everyone a little bit of an update. So here it is…

First, I got that new job. I start soon and I can’t wait! Paperwork done, just have to schedule my “third person shifts” to go though orientation, then I’ll be on my own. I worked the other job I like today, we were busy all morning! Here’s a tip…having a busy day? Just fly a few out, you won’t have a single call, no one on the department will, for 6 hours after! I guess that’s a good thing for the patients…we were bored though. I got it will quiet after a few helicopter rides. I had a city trip too and we get to stop for food, which I love about those trips. While we were eating a father and his daughter were at a table near us. They asked where we were located out of and I chatted with them for a bit. We went to pay and found out the guy bought our food! I wish I could have thanked him! It’s incredible what some people will do! And it shows you that you need to treat EVERY patient good because you never know who you’ll come across! My first boss made sure I knew what customer service meant and if you couldn’t do it properly, they were more than happy to show you out the door. My co-workers don’t understand that these people we transport are our paycheck! They don’t know how bad dirty rigs look to our company. They just don’t know.

This week I meet with an adviser to sign up for classes for a Bachelor degree. I have more than enough credits for a Bachelor, but so many are required to be from a 4 year school so I have to pick a major AND a minor, maybe two minors, because I won’t have enough credit hours with just the one. I don’t know what I’m going to pick yet. I was thinking about a minor in photography, but I’m not sure what to do my major in. I don’t know yet…guess I need to keep thinking about that. I need my Bachelor in something I can fall back on in case of injury in the field. Time to think…

I also have my first meeting with a counselor…this should be interesting. She seemed real nice and comfortable on the phone so we shall see. I’m a bit nervous, but I know I need it. Still have no money or shifts to pay for it, but I guess I have to find a way. I’m already on the Ramen noodle every meal diet…not sure I can go much lower than that…I guess I’ll find a way. It’s been all Ramen noodles and soup for several weeks now but I refuse to ask for money or even tell anyone there is a problem. I’m on my own in this. I haven’t told my man either. I think he suspects, because he has taken me out to dinner a few times. I’m so used to having no food that when we go out to eat I’ll order some side dish and that’s all I’ll eat, my stomach literally can’t handle anything. He probably knows but I’m not telling him, besides he doesn’t have the money to help me, his kids nickle and dime him to death. He really needs to cut them off and stop paying for shit! Hell, they are all over 20, they need to suck it up and stop visiting hospitals just because “they want something wrong with them” as many have put it. They just love attention and pain meds..they both have drug addictions and he’s pretty much fueling that fire! I told him to quit paying but whatever, his choice. Those are some spoiled ass kids and I think he’s finally seeing that. Anyway, thanks to them, the fucking government, and a loss of his part time job he couldn’t help me if he wanted to. All Ramen noodles and off brand soup for me…yum.

Other than that I’ve been just trying to survive. I can only afford to drive to work, so I never leave my house. It’s making life a living fucking hell with my mother! Then she keeps racking up shit I need to pay for too. Rent, dog car, supplies that she uses NOT me, crap she doesn’t need…the bitch is killing me more! I don’t have the money for this shit! Every time she makes me pay for something it cuts back in the food or gas money I don’t have already. I think I would be slightly better off and have real food if it weren’t for her shit. I guess it’s time for sleep for me, another long day, this time holding down fucking hell! I just want to cry, I hate going there, someone shoot me now!