Bad day in fucking hell!! I’m so angry I can’t even think straight! I’m just pissed! But for now, drugs and sleep. I need sleep so bad. Mother Nature hates me, my head hates me, my mind hates me, my fucking co-worker dickheads really hate me! I need sleep. And my mans arms. I need his arms bad tonight!
Every time I try to be optimistic and have a good day, someone comes along and fucks it all up! Never fails! What’s the point anymore? Why keep putting myself through this??
Too pissed off, angry, and lost to talk about it right now. But soon maybe…
Well, life has begun again…great. Had a day in hell yesterday and go back for the next 3 days…great! : ( Being away from there was just wonderful, I’m hating being back! A combination of the stress and some electrolyte imbalance has caused my heart problems. Last year I was diagnosed with WAP (Wondering Atrial Pacemaker) and orthostatic hypotension, if you know anything medical wise, this isn’t a big deal. Had a full cardiac workup, echo, monitor for 48 hours…blah, blah, blah. Basically my heart never changed rhythms then and nothing out of the “normal” showed up. Cardiologist just said to watch it, but nothing to worry about. All my days at work, we weren’t able to catch anything on the monitor either. Did several blood work too, but I was always feeling “fine” during that and it never showed anything out of the normal.
Sunday I wasn’t feeling right, my heart felt like it was racing but my pulse was normal. I felt light headed and dizzy, was just…feeling “weird”, I’m not sure how else to describe it. So I called my friend, he was on duty just down the road at my local ambulance and I was lucky he was at the closest station too. My man was concerned about me driving, but I wasn’t going far. Drove down and him and his partner got me hooked up to the monitor and did a workup but nothing was showing up. Hooked myself up to the 12-lead, still nothing. I wasn’t feeling my heart flutter at that moment, so we waited…then it happened. My heart started racing and I looked at the monitor…Afib…uh…shit! Told my friend, he didn’t believe me, looked for himself and he freaked. Started printing like crazy, my heart was jumping in and out of it. I could feel it each time too. This was the first time we caught it on the monitor.
So we started reading, there’s a good chance I have a lack of magnesium, potassium, and calcium…all important to keep your heart ticking right. See, I’m at the age where I should be gaining weight (not complaining) but my body is not absorbing the nutrients it should. Took some vitamins, that seemed to fix the problem. I can’t afford to go back to the doctor, so I’m just going to take some vitamins for a while and see if that keeps working. For now it seems to. Below is my heart from the night of, then the night after.
My man is worried, naturally, but I told him it’s not a big deal. I’m determined to get it figured out. I think I just need more nutrients, but we’ll see. I’m going to try these vitamins first, if that doesn’t change it, then I’ll call the doctors. I just really need to find another job, this place is killing me one way or another!
I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now, I’m just not myself. I’m so down, like lower than low. I need help but I won’t ask for it. I’m struggling here. I think the majority of this comes from all this crap with my so called “family” and this damn divorce. Not once has anyone asked me how I’m doing, cared about my struggle in this, or tried to listen to me. No one care, no one ever has. This is just a bad month and my family is just making it worse and worse. I need out, I need away. I need a break! I want to run away and never come back. I want to vanish because not a soul would care. I need to get out of here.
Meeting with my highest boss today…I’m scared shitless!! He has these eyes…they are scary and look right through you…ugh! I can’t do this!! I haven’t eaten or slept in a freaking week! They ONLY thing I have going for me is the fact that he thinks I’m a good employee, let’s hope that’s enough!