Turkey Day

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American readers out there. Are you enjoying your Turkey Day? I sure hope you are! I hope it’s filled with family and friends and laughter.

I’m stuck at work today, “hell” job of all places. And of course I’m stuck with ex-lieutenant too…great. So the little weasel (more on him later) is working with me too. The weasel came in this morning asking if I got a text from Mr. Ex-Lieutenant about dinner. Of course I didn’t, no one ever includes me. Apparently Mr. Ex-Lieutenant’s wife is cooking dinner for the crew and bringing the family down. Wonderful. And guess who’s not included on dinner? Yours truly. I don’t blame them though, if I were his wife, I wouldn’t cook for me either after what I did to him. I think I’m going to avoid being there, I don’t want to see her. I know she blames me, everyone does. Who wouldn’t?

So that’s my day. I’m tired, not doing too good, and have no family to go home to for things to get better…I’m a loser. I usually work holidays to avoid the problems, but that’s not helping because work is full of problems.

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Day 21

I will start this by apologizing now. I was on a 911 call and forgot to take my second dose of adderall today…I’m a mess. My thoughts are all over! My body is too. I can’t sit still and I’m sure this will take several attempts to finish. I’m sorry. Good luck reading it! : )

Life has been crazy, just all around. Where to begin…guess I should go back in time and work my way forward. Let’s start with the beginning of November, that’s when everything went crazy.

So that ex-Captain, the one that put his hands on me…yea, he got fired. Dumbass. He claims everyone was “out to get him” and “they were just looking for any reason to fire him” which might be true, but when you fuck up, you make it easy for them. The Police Chief is our ultimate boss, he’s the guy you pray you never have to see because if you do, you’re probably in big trouble. Well, since we have a Police Chief in charge, he’s not going to take too kindly for you committing a crime when you’re on the clock. And that’s just what this stupid ass did so he made it extremely easy for them to fire him and the bastard deserves it! I can’t get what he did to me out of my head, I hate the asshole so much and I hope he’s suffering!

Next event…several of the employees at “hell” job hate me…the reasons are any where from doing the work required, to just because. Anyway, one guy that witnessed what this ex-Captain did to me, he hates me for “tattling” on this ex-Captain and someone is taking his side saying I started it…go figure. This guy has taken the “I’m ignoring you 100%” attitude. So much so, that he won’t even acknowledge me on calls…this really messes with patient care. When we get to a call, he won’t let me do anything, and once the patient is in the ambulance he says he’s ready to go and makes me drive.

One particular day we ran 3 calls like this, then I came back to himself and Mr. Ex-Lieutenant laughing about the fact that he won’t let me do anything but drive. Uh…did Mr. Ex-Lieutenant forget that quickly how good my hearing is? And how much trouble he is already in?? WTF?! This hell hole just makes me want to jump off a damn bridge! A few assholes have to ruin everything for me!

Next order of business…life, in general. Between work, stress at home, my grandma, and other stupid shit, I just can’t take it anymore. I’m struggling to keep my head above water, so to speak. It’s just been tough there. I bust my ass, and for what? Nothing but my paycheck, but I do it because I believe in EARNING my paycheck! So I, the lowest paid employee, work my ass off while the highest paid do nothing. I also believe that as a tax paying citizen, you bought my equipment and pay my salary, I refuse to let that equipment look shitty and I won’t let you pay for me to do nothing but sleep 24/7. Hey, safety naps are allowed, but I won’t spend ALL my time sleeping. Since I don’t pay taxes in that town, it’s my duty to keep your stuff in good working and clean order.

Confession time…when I am sitting around at work on down time, with either no more work to do or the weather too bad to do what needs to get done, I’ve been hiding out where ever I can find and planning ways to end it all. And you know what, there are plenty of painless ways at my disposal. I know of ways to get rid of other people too that are damn near impossible to detect. That’s what happens when you have free time, internet, and enough reading capability to figure stuff out. I have ways to make it look like an accident, ways to let people know it was planned and with a reason…there are endless ways out there.

But, I promise to do a 10 day challenge, and I will never break a promise. I do not plan to do any of the things I’ve thought of, but they are always there, in the back of my mind. I will keep my promise and put my focus on something else. Like maybe this becoming a doctor thing…man if I could afford it I’d be signing up right now…I think. My man supports it, but money is always a problem. I can’t afford it in so many ways.

I have a new distraction, something to keep my mind busy when I’m stuck at home and that distraction would be Call of Duty: Black Ops II. I’m so glad my man got me an Xbox for Christmas last year. I get stuck at home, need a distraction, and rarely is he allowed over, so the Xbox was his idea to keep my mind busy and spend less downtime when stuck here. It’s working great right now. I get to kill people, lost some anger and aggression while doing so, and I’m not sitting around thinking about things. I’m going to play for a bit before bed time. Another full day of work tomorrow.

Happy Turkey Day all! I am so thankful for each one of you following my blog, especially those that have reached out to me and are keeping me going right now. Thank you!

Day 20

I would like to thank rocksforbrains for giving me something to be thankful for. Thank you rocks! You have given me a distraction, showed me that someone does care, and are trying to help. I really appreciate it.

I’m having a really hard time right now, worse than it has been in a long time. Thank you for reminding me of things I forget too often. I’m trying hard to get better, I just have so many set backs. There’s no where to go that is “safe” for me.

Today was a major set back, I was stuck at “hell” job with nothing but problems at work. I was stuck with all the asshole and problem children so I sat by myself, hiding out the entire day. Well, almost the entire day…see no one there does jackshit, literally! Not even the full time staff. I spend all my time there doing ALL the chores BY MYSELF! This is how my day goes: clean bathrooms, take out trash, sweep, vacuum, mop, wipe down tables, straighten up, do dishes, clean all 3 ambulances inside and out, disinfect ambulances, and clean ambulance bay. I do all of these things completely alone, sometimes I even have to clean AROUND people because they won’t get up.

Do I have to do this stuff? No, not really, but I’m not going to be lazy, I believe in earning my paycheck…maybe it’s the years of abuse. So I do all this work completely alone, with zero help from the staff making the real money. I bust my ass for nothing. It gets me no where but called the “Chief’s little bitch” and talked bad about daily. I am completely alone and it’s killing me. I sat outside today, by myself in the cold, thinking of ways to end it all. I know rocks…not what you wanted, but I didn’t have any distractions.

At one point one of the detectives drove past and saw me sitting there. We share a common parking lot with police, so they are always around. I pray he didn’t see me, or if he did he didn’t think anything of it, because I really do not want to go another round with the Police Chief. No that he is a bad guy, I just don’t want to go through that. If anyone were to tell him what I’ve been thinking or what I’ve said, he’s probably drive me out himself to get evaluated. I don’t want that. I don’t want him thinking I’m crazy. Yes, I need the help, bad! But I seriously doubt telling will land me in a good place…I just hope no one brings him into this. He will force me to the help I need, that’s for sure, but I don’t know if I’d like him calling all the shots.

It just feels hopeless and lonely right now, but thank you rocks for helping me through this. I really do appreciate it more than you know.

Day 17

I’m thankful for my family ruining my life! Thank you for beating me daily and telling me what a worthless person I am! It’s sure making for one awesome fucking easy life! I hope you’re proud of yourself because no one has ever been proud of me!

I’ve had my suicide letter written to you assholes for almost 17 years now, keep this shit up and you will get it soon! Thank you for continuing to push me closer to the edge, it’s just what I need, it helps make my decision an easy one. You love kicking a person when they’re down, it’s fun isn’t it? I sure hope you’re enjoying this fuckers!

Day 15

I am thankful for the Police Chief and what he has done for me. Unfortunately I waited too long and he can’t fix everything, but he had helped taken care of what he does know about. I will be forever grateful for what he has done. And I am glad he hasn’t told anyone about my tears when I broke. I just wish there was more he could do for me.