The pain and tears never fade. This hurt inside will never go away. You will never know my emptiness. You will never understand what it’s like to be trapped inside your head. Screaming. But no body cares. The pain and tears…they never fade.
I’m not strong enough for this anymore. I can’t live life any longer. These people are killing me, one day at a time. Today I sat on the edge of a cliff. It’s a quiet area, no one would find me, within walking distance because I can’t afford gas to drive anywhere. I sat there thinking how much more I could take before the urge to fall forward overtook me. It wouldn’t be hard, just one little slip, all my problems would be solved.
I’m tired of all the pain. I don’t want to end it with the chance of more pain, so why not pick something easier, cleaner, and pain free? I have plenty of choices, a little medical experience goes a long way. I have several choices at my disposal. How much longer till I turn to that? How many more days can I make it?
I have been off my ADHD medication for about 2 weeks now and it’s starting to really hit me. I don’t know, maybe I’m just a bitch. I could work harder at controlling myself, but why bother. Maybe I can piss someone off enough and they will just take care of everyone else’s problems for me…that might work. So many options, so little time.
There is a physical pain in my chest.
It feels like my heart is breaking.
The tears won’t stop.
I feel so completely alone.
I am so alone.
I’m hurting and no one stops to see the pain.
Hurting beyond repair. Anger beyond believe.
I’ve never been a violent person but this new stupid Bitch of a Chief has me so fucking angry I can’t type! I can’t think straight! I can’t get my words out of my mind! It’s been a long time since I’ve been pushed to this point…and if I tell you the reasons you will think I’m crazy, that I need to be locked up, that I need to get over it. And I’m sure I do, all the above, but everything has been building for so long I can’t control it anymore. I’m dying! Slowly dying on the inside. It’s slowly killing me, I’m suffering more than I can imagine. I cry every single night think about it. I have tear from my eyes as I type because I don’t know how else to get this anger out. I don’t know what to do! It takes every ounce of energy just to keep from knocking the bitch out!
For the record, I would never talk about a Chief like this, never, but this bitch is so fucking worthless, useless, and just downright fucking stupid! A few of you have more details, some I can’t share on here, but I will share what I can. I will give you the details I can spare, but understand that there is more, and more is what adds to my anger, more is what has me to this point. More…there’s always more…
What has happened to put me in this mindset? Allow me to share…
First: They put this bitch in charge! She’s been controlling and mean before she got this position and the past Chief has had to talk her down before and remind her she’s not in charge. She applied for the job and was livid when they told her she wasn’t qualified…they they gave it to her…fucking stupid!
She hates me and blames me for getting the Lieutenant demoted. No one is suppose to know, but the former Chief (who I happen to be very close to) informed me that she let slip a comment that indicated she knew. She has made me suffer since that day, as if I haven’t suffered enough. She claims it was just “ridiculous the lieutenant got demoted for what he did.” For those of you that haven’t/don’t want to go back, or just forgot, here is a little refresher on Mr. Lieutenant. He called me the “Chief’s little bitch” while I was about 10 feet away and over heard it. He happened to be on the phone with a coworker at the time too. I was fuming, but never said a word. I sent the Chief’s an e-mail asking for a month leave and the can of worms opened there…but in the end the Lieutenant got demoted and a few days suspension. And this new worthless bitch says it’s bullshit he got that…fucking bitch!
She used to complain about how lazy everyone is but doesn’t do a fucking thing about it! Everyone sleeps and instead of giving them more work, she just keeps taking it all away. She’s a controlling freak!! No wonder she’s been married 5 times!!! One left her, another killing himself (I would too!), another 2 just vanished when she was at work and sent papers later, and the last one…well, the sucker is completely controlled by her! I feel bad for the bastard but everyone warned him not to married the bitch.
Well, then the bitch had about 4 people quit the moment they found out she was in charge and a few other’s have been fired so we are WAY down in personal. Well then the fucking bitch decides she is going to change our shift time because ONE person can’t get there on time! Are you fucking kidding me?!?! What about those of us with seniority?!?! And those dicks were hired on knowing the shift change time…they don’t like it, then they shouldn’t have taken the fucking job!!!!! So she just cut my income by 50%-60%! Despite the fact that the job was fucking hell, I was making good money, the majority of my income there and now I lost it all. I can’t work the hours the bitch wants and it fucking sucks! I’m livid because the bitch fucked me over and did it on purpose! Fuck!
Well then she did a few other things I can’t say because that might give me away but she’s fucking shit up even more!! Fucking me over even more! I just have such a desire to punch the bitch each time I see her!! I cried while at work today because I didn’t know what else to do or how to handle my emotions. I knew hitting the bitch was a bad idea, so I just cried. For hours, I sat alone, completely alone with tears running down my face. I sat there thinking things I shouldn’t have, planning things I shouldn’t have. I needed so badly to escape. I need so badly to get away. I need so badly to run. I came extremely close to marching over to the good Chief’s office, tears and all, and turn all my shit in. He’s seen me cry before, when I had to talk about what Jackass Captain did to me, why not do it again. Then he could see the pain I feel daily when I’m stuck there!
No one knows the pain I’m fighting. No one knows how I feel. No one sees the tears I have. No one can help me. No one. I need help, so badly, but can’t afford it. Thank you public safety salary…maybe the next time you vote on your taxes, think about the person like me. Think about your Police/Fire/EMS workers that can’t even afford to get help, help that so many so desperately need. It’s not just a static, it’s a proven fact, suicides are 3 times greater from November to February. And that includes suicides of those here to protect and serve you. I’m a member of the The Secret List and we got the usual reminder, the one to watch your coworkers for suicidal tendencies…well my coworkers either don’t give a fuck and hope I do it, or they just don’t see it clearly, or they don’t care.
I’m crying and I can’t make it stop.
I’m hurting and I can’t make it stop.
I’m empty and I can’t make it stop.
The pain never stops.
The pain never goes away.
No one ever understands.