Know Your Limit…and Stop

As you know, I recently had that little “surgery” to get that tooth out. It felt SO much better to have out! I’m not happy about what happened, but the problem is “fixed” now…just have to save money and hope I can get an implant now. More money…more bills…just what I don’t need! Oh well I guess…that’s just my life. You would think I would be used to this by now…guess not. The removal went well, doctor said it came out easily and wouldn’t be too hard to recover from, which it wasn’t. It was painful, and sore, but overall it wasn’t horrible. I took the pain meds the first 2 days but after that I used only ibuprofen.

Anyone that works with medicine, you know that high doses of ibuprofen does not mix well with high heat. I had my weekly training for the fire department, no big deal…except for the fact that I forgot I had taken a high dose of ibuprofen…uh oh. Ibuprofen, heat, humidity, and full gear…not a good combination! My body already has a hard time regulating it’s temperature, I can’t fight off the cold or heat since my horrible fever when I was younger. I had a temperature of 106.7…and yes, I am alive today. It was horrible! And I’ve had problems since. It caused a problem at training.

I remember being given a command and saying ok, but never got up. The BC asked if I was ok, I remember telling them yea but just felt so out of it. Then him and someone else picked me up by my coat and drug me over to get my gear off. Stripped off my gear, got cold towels on me, cold fluids slowly and laid me down. They took care of me great and arranged me a ride home and everything. They did great for me! I came home and slept…for hours! Almost didn’t get up the next morning for work. It felt good to finally have some sleep though. I have not been sleeping well at all.

My man decided that he wants me to find someone I can spend my life with, grow old together, have a family…you know…a “normal” relationship. His plan to help me find someone…? Abandoning me. I haven’t see or heard from him much at all. He just took off, has camping, floating, and all these plans with everyone…nothing with me. We had plans for the summer but he changed it all…no longer am I going on vacation because he cancelled that for me. I’m just alone now. Lost and told to go find someone my age. That’s it…that’s his plan. Leaving me…it will fix everything, right?

I’m not happy. I’m hurting. I’m alone. I’m stuck. I’m abandoned. Everyone else has the summer plans made, trips and everything…I now have nothing. The ONLY camping trip we had planned, he cancelled and made plans to go with some new camping group he joined. You have no idea how much that hurts. And how did I fix this hurt? I made sure he knew it! I told him how much it hurt! I told him what he did! I told him how I felt! I let him have it!

What has that done? Nothing. Not a single thing. He has tried to make a few plans…a trip to my favorite swimming location, a small float down a nearby river…but no trips to my favorite river. None of my friends have money to make the trips and go camping with me. They only have money for one trip and have it planned so I’m just here. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t know what to do! I hurt and nothing stops it! i just hurt so bad.


Why must WordPress keep changing??? Every time I finally log into the computer instead of using my phone, it looks different! This is really messing with me! Hell, the drugs aren’t helping, then they change this crap on me…I’m SO confused! I need more adderall to help me focus on this crap! Ah…I need sleep!

Pissed Off!

I’m pissed off right now! And sick so pardon my language!

I laid in bed all day yesterday, zero strength to get up. I don’t think the antibiotics are working because I’m so sick to my stomach, throwing up, and going back and forth between hot and cold sweats! It started yesterday and hasn’t stopped. I’m not in much pain but I’m so sick and weak I can’t even get myself up out of bed!

I thought I could count on my man to help me…apparently not! He said he had to work, fine no problem. What was he really doing? We worked for about 20 minutes then went hiking! Are you fucking kidding me?? My mom naturally never came home, can’t get ahold of my brother. I have no food to eat because I wasn’t expecting the surgery. I can’t get myself to the story, at least not safely. I literally have only nibbled on some bread and had my last two yogurts today. That is ALL I’ve had since Monday night!!

I’m pissed off beyond belief!! If he’s fucking sick I’m right there caring for him and getting everything he needs, even when I’m stuck working!! Me? I have fucking surgery and he takes off on a fucking hike!!! Don’t even CALL to check up on me!!! Fuck this! I’m done with him and every one else in this stupid fucking life!

Emergency Surgery

I know I have some e-mails from a few of you and I’m very sorry I haven’t answered. I will get to that today, I promise. If this doesn’t make much sense, I’m sorry, I’m loving these drugs! I woke up sweating, vomiting, and just felt like death, it was horrible. Tried getting ready for work and had to call off. Felt a knot on my jaw and knew something was horribly wrong.

I have my parents horrible teeth! I HATE it!! I had my teeth cleaned and check two weeks ago and they said everything was “fine”…apparently not. My dentist said he thinks “there’s an abscess but he’s not concerned.” WTF?!?! Called in an antibiotic and told me see an oral surgeon within the week. That in itself has been a nightmare.

The closest places either didn’t accept my insurance or didn’t have any appointments for 4-6 weeks!!! Are you kidding me???? Apparently those stupid receptionists have no idea what an EMERGENCY is!! I was NOT looking forward to this after the nightmare of my wisdom teeth. Finally found a guy that was a little over an hour away and man am I glad I saw him!!

Found out the assholes at Anthem STILL had my insurance fucked up! Which is why this tooth wasn’t care for properly the first time when I broke it. Went to my appointment and was told it’s denied because I have a 12-month waiting period on insurance I have had since 2010!! Are you fucking kidding me!! I cried! Right there in the office! Just broke down! I was in pain, scared, and couldn’t afford this shit! They agreed to do the work and if the insurance didn’t get fixed I would be billed later. Thank you God!

The doctor was AMAZING!! Offered to fix the tooth properly but I have had so many problems that I just wanted it out. He pulled it for me. He’s going to work with me on getting an implant put in. I also have TMJ from my car accident, which he was asking about, he is going to fix that too! Said if someone had made me a simple splint 10 years ago, then I wouldn’t have any of the problems I’ve had these days. I sure hope he can fix it, that might help my migraines. I sure hope so!

So now I’m recovering and not doing too bad other than being tired. Recovering on my own because no one has time for me. Oh well, that’s my fault. So if you sent me an e-mail, I will be replying soon. Just so tired, but I promise soon. I’m sorry.


Apparently I forgot to mention I was due for surgery…oops! My bad. Yesterday I had minor surgery, it was NOTHING like wisdom teeth! Thank God! Just minor mouth surgery.

I have my parents teeth, HORRIBLE! No matter what I do, how much I brush, I will always get cavities. My parents never took care of what my teeth needed so last September I spent $4,400 on just the UPPER portion of my teeth! Dentists are too damn expensive!!! After that I had to have my wisdom teeth taken out…$2300, shitty service, pain two months after, and numbness…fml! So yesterday I was scheduled to get a tooth fixed that I broke a whole back…found out I now have to get the tooth extracted. : ( An infection got in and ruined the tooth.

I need a rich man!! I so do not have the money for this!! 😥 Help!!

Migraine from Hell!

For as long as I can remember I have suffered from “headaches” but it wasn’t till after my bad car accident that they were officially diagnosed as “migraines.” Looking back, they were always migraines but my parents never believed me or took me to the doctor. I suffered daily with some sort of head pain, but learned to deal with it and function. I have what I call “functioning migraines” where I can continue my daily routine, but have to limit my physical abilities to keep it from getting worse. I have different medicines and routines based on how the migraine feels and what I think is causing it. I get so many migraines a month that I am disqualified for any migraine study and most medicines used to treat them. On average I get 3-4 migraines a WEEK! Some worse than others, but most where I can still function.

Lately the migraines have been getting worse. I’m still having problems from this horrible wisdom teeth surgery. They are so bad that I don’t sleep at night, usually waking up 5-6 times a night, or just can’t fall asleep to begin with. Anyone with migraines knows plenty of sleep each night helps keep them away…needless to say my migraines have become much more frequent and worse. Usually I have warning signs that I’m getting on and can avoid it getting worse by taking medicine quickly…last night I had zero warning signs and within 5-10 minutes was down.

This was a non-functioning migraine within minutes! I was in tears! I did everything, heat on my head and neck, pressure, medicine, food, cool dark environment…nothing was easing the pain! Finally, several hours later I drifted into an uneasy sleep. Around 10pm I woke up again in serious pain, took more of my migraine medicine and added more heat. I laid in bed till 1am unable to get back to sleep and in tears again because the pain was do bad.

Finally it hit me, I still have heavy medicine left over from the recent surgery. I’m allergic to Vicodin, but can take it if I take Benadryl too. After the Percocet ran out, they could only write me a Rx for the Vicodin, which I still have most of the bottle left. I got up, popped a Benadryl and Vicodin and I was good to go! I passed out in no time and woke up feeling much better today!! Still have what I call the “migraine hangover” but I am in far less pain.

My man hates to see me suffer with these, he says it brakes his heart. He felt horrible last night, he was stuck at work and couldn’t come care for me. When I’m sick or even just a “functioning migraine” he will do everything for me! Takes such good care of me! Unfortunately last night I was on my own and it was horrible! But I got through. I’m so thankful that he’s understanding and has the patience to deal with me when I have these migraines. He’s my totally awesome man! And I love him fully for everything he does for me!

It’s Been a While

I’m still on the mend, mostly been laying around. Tried to run a little this past weekend and found out I can’t yet, it hurts so bad. My jaw is still so painful, can’t chew anything, and I still have complete numbness on the left side, my whole bottom jaw and lip. I know this is all possible complications of the surgery, but lets just say I am NOT happy!! The doctor was an asshole before and I should have gotten up and walked out. Thinking back I wish I had because this recovery has been nothing but a nightmare since. I am not happy at all and am looking for another doctor to go see to make sure it’s truly a complication and not something he messed up. I will  NOT be recommending them to anyone! I spend $1200 of my hard earned money, money I don’t have, and this shit is what I have to live with now. He ruined the thousands I spent on therapy after a car accident to fix my TMJ, now I have it worse than I’ve ever had. : (

Other than dealing with all of that, life has been normal, but busy. This past weekend we celebrated my grandma’s 70th birthday. Lots of fun! The extended family can be a blast to get together with. We had a lot of friends and family over and just partied. I even managed to get off work early so I made it to the whole party and didn’t have to miss out like usual. Though sometimes I don’t mind.

Life at work has been uneventful, minus today. Today news got out that the Chief is quitting. He told his boss 3 weeks ago and has agreed to stay on working what little hours he wants to helping them until they find a replacement. The Captain is all excited because he doesn’t have to deal with our “horrible Chief” anymore, little does he know he still has to answer to the Chief until a new one is found. And let me tell you how “horrible” our Chief is…his motto is “have fun at work.” He doesn’t care at all what we do as long as we follow company policy, don’t break anything, and don’t kill anyone. We regularly play frisbee and wiffle ball, several people get away with not doing chores, very few of us clean the trucks…they have NO idea how easy they have it!! I can’t wait for someone to come in and really show them a hard time.

Despite all the crap there, things with my older man are better than ever! I started thinking today about ways to tell my mother and make her understand that this isn’t a bad thing. I think she’s hoping it’s just a phase that will pass, but it’s not. I started thinking about what I will want for my little girl one day, I want her to marry someone they love, someone that will take care of her, protect her, and be there for her without running off, no matter the age. I have all that. I have the safety, security, protection, and we even have plans for the future. Let’s face it, we know that unless something horrible happens (which it could), he is going to leave this earth long before me. We have plans for that to protect me. Money being put aside, insurance policies, and things to make sure I, and any children we have, are taken care of when that day comes. I am working on a letter to my mom to help me spell all this out and it will be posted here because I doubt I’ll ever have the courage to show her. I hope one day her and the family can understand though…this isn’t some “phase” or “fling”, it’s the real deal.

Make You Think

I’m back! Did you miss me? Probably not. Thursday I got my wisdom teeth out and it’s been a horrible experience ever since! If you are scheduled to get your wisdom teeth out then you better stop reading right here or you may never go. I was nervous from the beginning but my awesome man said he would take me to help calm my nerves and care for me, this made me feel slightly better until I met the doctor. This guy was a fucking asshole! I just paid OVER $1000 that I DON’T have and you’re going to be a dick to me?!?! I thought about walking out and the way I’m feeling today I should have!! He was rude, short, and just downright mean to me!

I have had 7 surgeries prior to this and have never had to take pain medicine, ever. This time…it’s 3 days later and I’m STILL on pain medicine. I can’t move my jaw with out pain that brings tears. My whole mouth hurts. And my lower jaw and lip is completely numb. Is this normal?!? It really scares me. I am not looking forward to the check up appointment on Tuesday and let’s just say it probably won’t go well for Mr. Doctor. I will be offering plenty of reviews on him too…none of which are good! And if his company has a survey…well that won’t be pretty either. He may be a decent doctor with without bedside manner he’s got nothing! It’s all about customer service, just like we say on the ambulance, they are a paying customer and we will do everything we can to make them more comfortable and satisfied. I am less than pleased and satisfied with this doctor and he will know it!

Every Sunday I check PostSecret for new secrets. If you’ve never seen this website before you need to check it out. I still miss the app bad but we’ll never see that again thanks to a few people that had to ruin it for everyone! : ( This week there was a secret that stood out at me, it was the very first one posted. It sends a bit of guilt through me because I am that girl, sort of. I’m the girl that all the older women hate for “stealing their men.” We’ve all heard it before, “why can’t I just find someone my own age?” I’ve said it before, you can’t help who you fall in love with. We never intended to fall in love, that’s definitely not what either of us were looking for, we both just needed a friend. It was at his (soon to be at the time) ex wife’s suggestion that we decided to become more. We love each other as friends, I think we both held back from more because of the age difference. Then one day we just said “fuck it, we’re in love and the world will deal with it.” And that was that.

I still have my insecurities sometimes, mostly when I see things like this picture. I’m not trying to “taking the older men,” not my intention at all, it just so happens that I fell in love with an older man. I don’t go out seeking older guys and he wasn’t after younger women…it just happened. I can understand why this woman posted what she did and her reason behind it, but it still makes me think that maybe our relationship is better in theory and not reality? Well, I really don’t care because I love him and I refuse to let him walk away no matter what. People will just have to get used to it.

Lazy…A Common Illness

I try not to let the little stuff bother me but the pure laziness at work is driving me crazy! No one cleans! EVER!! Trucks stay bug covered for weeks, nothing gets wiped down, dirty dishes left in sink for weeks, no sweeping, no cleaning…it’s just gross!! Even worse is when it comes to the trucks and equipment! I hate germs but apparently my coworkers enjoy them because I came in after a week off this truck and cleaned it to find this…

This was after just a few wipes and only about 1/4 of the truck! WTF people?!?! Then after spending two hours cleaning and wiping down the entire inside I spent 3 hours scrubbing weeks worth of bugs off the front of the truck. I mean the lack of respect and work ethic is making me crazy! I bust my ass daily with very little help, especially none from the full time staff!! I can’t wait to start this new job, at least I will not be alone in my work and it will finally be appreciated! After 3 consecutive 13 hour days of cleaning, all trucks are bug free, backboards scrubbed and disinfected, patient compartment disinfected, all equipment wiped down, bay clean, station clean, bathrooms clean, and still found time to go on 12 ambulance calls.

All my hard work will be undone shortly because I am off until next Tuesday at the very earliest. Tomorrow the dentist will remove all my wisdom! : ( I am so not looking forward to that appointment! But at the same time I can’t wait to get this done and over with. They have never hurt me, ever, but they are coming in way wrong and the dentist wants them out now. Joy. Then after that a little more dental work I have been putting off. Then after all of that it’s back to the orthodontist for me.

I spent SIX years in braces and because my teeth are stubborn and everything moved (despite the retainers) the orthodontist decided to put the upper braces back on (for free). After just 3 months with them on my teeth are back to straight and look great. Oh and if they every say, “hey we’re going to just jump to the biggest wire to move them fast” I would like to tell you that is would be best if you PASS on that option!! I have never hurt from braces until that move! I went to my check up and they said my teeth look great, I asked when the braces come off. The answer to my question? “I’m not, in fact I want to put the bottom braces back on too and fix that as well.” Ugh!! But my teeth will look pretty again. I already look several years younger than I am (I’m 25 and still getting carded), so lets slap some braces on and make it even better! : ( Oh well, life.

Today while out on one of many calls at work I came across something that made me laugh.

That sign is about 4 feet by 4 feet and in case you are unable to read the writing it says, “Slow down or die.” Haha welcome to rural EMS! : ) I’m sorry sir but it seems you are going to have to kill us for running lights and sirens to someone’s emergency because I’m not slowing down. What really cracks me up about this is the road it is located on and I really wish now that I had taken a picture of it but since I didn’t you will have to do with my description.

Today I was working in our smallest ambulance (thank goodness for that on this call!) and had I had the biggest truck we would not have been able to get to the patient’s house let alone the patient. This road was JUST wide enough for the truck, most of the time the wheels were in the mud and not even on a road. Trees along most of the road which scratched all down the sides (nothing I could do to avoid that) and if another car had come one of us would have been backing up until we found a driveway and that person would not have been me…sorry but this ambulance doesn’t go in reverse! lol Oh, and also this road does not connect to each other, there are two different sections of this road, despite what google maps, gps, cell phones, map book, and everything says, this road is NOT a thru street! The huge trees and over grown woods prove this, don’t bother trying.

Tomorrow is surgery, then off for a few days. I’m warning you now, I will no doubt be bored so expect some postings…or probably a lot of postings if I’m feeling well. Good night world! Tomorrow I will be 4 teeth lighter.