longer days and anxiety when mom texts
It’s getting closer! I can feel it!! And I’m so excited! The days are slowly getting longer, the sun is still up when I leave work, it may only be a teeny, tiny bit, but it’s still up and that’s all that matters. I can’t wait for it to be warm, to spend my days outside, to have longer days! I am SO excited! Can you tell? I mentioned before that I hate the cold, but more than that I hate the dark. I would not do well in Alaska, 24 hours of darkness…not for me! I have several friends that stay up all night and sleep all day, also not for me. I’m a morning person, I’m way more productive. I’m sure it also shows in my blogs, I’m sure the one’s I have posted in the morning are better than this one I’m posting right now.
In a post post I talked about my parents getting divorced. Since the divorce the relationship with my mother has gotten slightly better but the other day while sitting at work I realized a few things have not changed and I’m not entirely sure they ever will. Things used to be really difficult for me at home, a lot of yelling, fighting, blaming, etc. Though some of it may have been my fault, not all of it was, in fact most of it was not. It was so bad I’d have anxiety attacks just thinking about going home and actually going home…that was a whole different story. I hated going home, spent a lot of nights actually crying because I had to go home and unless you have actually been in that situation you cannot imagine what I went through.
The other day at work I got a text from my mother and I practically had a panic attack right there, her texts are the worst, or at least they used to be. When I got a text from her it usually meant I was in a lot of trouble, it was never good, and things would ALWAYS end bad! I realized that the feeling when I get a text from her will never change because she texted me asking if I was working all night or coming home, nothing scary about that text, but I was scared when I saw her name pop up on the screen. I can honestly say I am truly terrified of the woman, but this isn’t such a bad thing.
I think too many people are not afraid of their parents enough. Too many kids run free with little to zero control or punishment for their behavior. They need to be held responsible, regardless of their age. Children need to be told what to do, it’s good for them. Despite my horrible childhood, I think I turned out pretty good. I don’t drink, I’m don’t smoke, I don’t go out all day, I’ve never done a single drug, I’m responsible, I pay ALL my bills and on time…I turned out pretty good. I still have fun, but I do it responsible.
I know what you’re thinking, being in a relationship with someone 24 years older than me is a bit of a problem, but it wasn’t like we planned it, it just happened. I didn’t go out searching for an older guy “just for the experience” or because it was the “cool new thing to do.” We fell in love, sometimes it just happens. He became my best friend and over time friendship can develop into more, ours did. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me!
Looking back, this is not how I expected my life to go, this is not what I planned. In high school, for one of my classes, we had to make a list of goals. Where did I want to be in 1 year, what did I want to accomplish? 3 years? 5 years? 10 years? You know where I had planned to be in 3 years? Which happened to be 2 years after graduation…finishing up my college degree and starting a family. This May will be 7 years since I graduated and where am I? I have two Associate’s degrees, no family. I guess we just can’t have everything we want. I can’t wait to start a family and have a kid, I want children so bad.
My older man and I have planned this. He says he wants to marry me and has planned perfectly just how to ask. He wants to have a family with me and I with him. I am ready for that stage and I know he is the one! I’m not saying I want to have a family with him just because he’s in my life right now, I want to have a family with him because I know in my heart that he is the one! He is more than my best friend, he is going to be the father to my children one day and it’s a day I am ready for. I love him!