Hurting

I’m pissed beyond what words can describe! And so many thoughts are going through my head that I think straight! The best I can do is write, write everything on my mind. So I would like to apologize now, you will be hearing a lot from me, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to do. Writing gets this crap off my mind and it helps keep me alive…for now. I’m just hurting so bad! And I’m so damn angry! I honestly can’t tell you how much longer I can take this! This job, these people are killing me! Literally! If you never hear from me again…well…they were successful!

Another fucking fuck up by the Bitch has me so angry I cried, and screamed, and cried and my poor man had to listen to it all. I didn’t mean to and I feel bad for it, but he says he wants to help me despite what he said before. He said I have every right to sue them (something I never wanted to do) and if they don’t fix these problems then he will be pushing for me to do that. This is the last fuck up they have! The very last fucking one! I’m sick of this shit!

Recap time…first Jackass Captain laid his filthy hands on me! To be more specific…as I was walking past him he pulled me by the hips onto his lap, leaned me forward, slapped my ass, and told me that I’ve “been a bad girl”…real fucking nice! This was AFTER other incidents that I told him to stop. He used to tell me I’d make a nice “MILF” one day, and how he’d “love to fuck” me. Yea…I told him to stop, THEN he put his hands on me! I felt violated! Dirty. Nasty. But never told, I didn’t need that black mark on my record when I was just starting this career. But the Chief (the good one, the one that quit because of these assholes) found out, I told him after he kept asking, but I wouldn’t let him tell the Police Chief or the city…biggest mistake ever! But he found out, by was that fun.

Then, after all that, after the Police Chief finally found out about what the Jackass Captain did and got in trouble, the Asshole Lieutenant called me the “Chief’s little bitch”…yea, he had no idea I was sitting right there and could hear him. Once again, I never told. I did e-mail asking for a month off, I needed a break from these dickheads, but that was a mistake because that opened a fucking can of worms! So Asshole Lieuntenant got in trouble and this new Bitch of a “Chief” wasn’t the Chief at the time…but she changed her attitude towards me and made comments that he didn’t deserve the trouble and punishment he got. That I was just overreacting…I get accused of that a lot. I guess I should just keep my stupid mouth shut, huh?

Well now that this Bitch is the acting “Chief” I’m really fucked! And she is the most worthless, useless, underqualified “Chief” I have ever know! Fuck! I thought some Chief’s were bad…this Bitch is by far the worse!! So she changed our shift times, which fucked me over and I couldn’t put in availability at all for this month…there went just over half my income that I was counting on…stupid whore! Well I e-mailed her, TWICE, about not being able to work the shifts. Once almost two weeks ago now and once again today. Shortly after my second e-mail I get an e-mail to the whole staff with the schedules…yes, without me on there at all, whatever. Well, I called to ask if she was receiving my e-mails, because I have not gotten a single response. This is how that conservation went…

Me: This is “the employee you hate”, I was just wondering if you are getting my e-mails.

Bitch: Yes. (For the record, she started a bitch tone the moment she found out it was me.)

Me: I was wondering if there is a reason you’re not responding to them.

Bitch: I’m very busy, I don’t have time to respond to your e-mails.

Me: But you’re getting them? Because I never got anything back, from the first e-mail and again today. I just want to know if there is a reson I’m not getting a response.

Bitch: I don’t appreciate your tone.

Me: And I am just wondering if there is a reason why you’re not responding to my e-mails.

Bitch: Ok, STOP! You need to listen! I do not appreciate your tone! I am very busy and I don’t have the time to respond to your e-mails. You tone need to stop NOW! I have a lot to do and if I don’t have the time to respond to your e-mails, then you need to wait. Your tone is not needed and it can stop now, do you understand?

Me: Yes ma’am! (With a fucking attitude!!!!)

The Bitch continued on, but I didn’t listen, I didn’t need to, nothing she said or every says again is worth my time. I was beyond mad! I just sat there and cried! Cried for hours! Then my man called and I cried some more. I know he doesn’t want to hear this shit anymore, but he listened and said he’d help. I just cried some more and kept saying sorry, he said that as long as I’m stuck in this hell hole he’ll be here to help me. He’s got a meeting coming up too…with one of the city officials coming up, about something completely different. He’s not going to bring the hell hole up, but if the city official does…well it’s fair game! He’s going to make it clear that I have full rights to sue and if they don’t fix this shit, then he will be backing me 100% to do so! And given these officials respect him very much…well that should help things…I hope! Now I just have to see if the conversation actually happens…I’m praying the official brings up that hell hole or it won’t happen…

For now…sleep…it’s back to hell tomorrow…back to planning the end of me…

Warning: Do Not Speak Of It

Warning: Do Not Read.

My mind is all over tonight, from one thought to another, which never turns to good things. I should apologize now…I’m sorry. My mind is not in a good place right now.

Why is it so easy for me? So easy to think about the easy way out? The unspeakable? It’s so easy for me to turn to that option, to plan it out, to wonder how but never to do. Something always holds me back, something keeps me here, and that something is starting to piss me off.

This job is killing me and maybe if it does that’ll mean help in the future for other people that end up in the position I am in. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t work here but can’t survive without the income. I can’t end my life either. Now I’m just hoping I will get lucky and someone or something will do it for me!

I was doing so good, but once again everything had to come along and fuck it all up for me. Every single time. I guess I’m meant to suffer. I’m suppose to hurt. I’m suppose to be punished. And I’m not luck enough to get the easy way out.

Study Me Time

Well, it’s that time of year again…twin study time! Fun fact about me…I have a twin and we look and act NOTHING alike! In fact, you would never even guess that we are sisters! We couldn’t be any more opposite! And the only good thing my parents did for me was enter us in twin studies. I’m sure my parents kept all the money when we were younger, but now it’s all mine and pays VERY well! : ) Originally we were not suppose to be in this study because of the injuries I suffered in our car accident, but they called back and said they want to try us anyway.

This study involved the effects life choices have on the brain, comparing twins that have different behaviors. Good news…I actually do have a brain! They said it’s in there! Bad news…I was officially diagnosed with 3 different cases of PTSD. Is that possible?! Apparently so. The person I worked with was totally awesome! And kept making sure I was doing ok and wanted to make sure I was safe. I lied a bit..told them I’m not suicidal, but did admit to it in the past. Sorry…I’m not going through that lock up…not happening, not right now anyway.

Back to these 3 cases of PTSD. What’s causing each one? And how bad is it? Well, I was diagnosed with PTSD from the car accident, those I read minor in this one. Apparently it is still having a small effect on me and how could it not? Let’s see…get in a major car accident, woke up with no feeling from the waist down…I think anyone would have a hard time getting in a car that someone else is driving, wouldn’t you agree? For the record, I still, to this day, refuse to ride with my sister.

The second reason for the diagnoses was that jackass Captain and his move! It read a moderate to severe on this one. Apparently it is really effecting me, more so than I let on. I think about it almost daily and really struggle with what he did to me. I hate him for it! But I hate myself more for letting it happen and I hate myself even more for not getting the fucker fired! That’s a struggle too because had I gotten the jackass fired, then I would have had that black mark my entire career. I just hate that I was ever put in that situation! I’m not a violent person, but if I came across the asshole I’ll fucking hit him so damn hard!! I’m tiny, but he’s got me pissed off enough to offer me that “super power”…you know what I’m talking about? Drunks and angry people get this super human power, they are unbelievable strong…I think I am capable of that with him. I just hate the whole damn thing!

And the third reason, the most severe, is naturally my past and upbringing. Needless to say I tested severe in that one. I pretty much knew that already, but never had it confirmed until now. It was recommend that I get help for all of them, but especially the last one. The problem with that…I can’t afford it on my income. And my career means it compounds the problem, given what I’ve seen and done. Great.

People complain all the time that Fire/EMS makes too much and do too little but when they need us they complain we took too long. WTF?! Did you know that 85% of people in my career (nation wide) can not afford to live off just one income? Bet you didn’t. That’s why everyone in my career works 2 or more jobs! Meaning they can’t get off work when they need help, nor can they afford the help they need. I’m an example. I’m one statistic, but I won’t become another…not yet anyway.

Do you know what the number above means? Do you know what it stands for? No? Well read below and find out.

In 2010, while educating firefighters across the United States, I began to notice through stories and reports about the number of firefighters who had taken their lives.  I began to collect reports through a confidential reporting system in late 2010 through Counseling Services for FIre Fighters.  After much research and effort, I realized this was a much larger issue than I thought, and expanded by starting Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance. I am now collecting this data through FBHA also. This confidential report can be found on the list at the left “ff suicide report” or at www.csff.info under the tab “FF Suicide Report”.

The number on the box above are members who were active or retired firefighters who suffered deaths by their own choice.  It should not be conceived as one of weakness but one where they might not have believed they had any other options to relieve their pain.  FBHA is dedicated to collecting the most accurate numbers regarding FF suicides and then updates this number as information is confirmed.  It is also FBHA’s objective to educate all of our brothers and sisters on suicide prevention through our workshop titled “Saving Those Who Save Others” in hopes to limit this number. 


Regards,
B/C Jeff Dill 
Founder of CSFF & FBHA

Note: Number is from information received from suicides ranging from the years 1880-2012. The total is comprised of 269 FF and 11 EMT/P.

Think about that. Just let that sink in when you think about voting for a tax cut for firefighter/paramedics. And that is JUST firefighter/paramedics. What about the police officers? Or that military?? Those numbers are alarming as well. Some things in this country need to change…congress needs to be put on minimual wage in their comfortable little office and give their pay to the people that work every day for their life, health, and safety.

But enough of that for now. I have a lot to do before work. Another day at “hell” job! Ugh. And a full 24 hours there to make matters worse…expect to see me tomorrow. I’m sorry…good night!

Reading for Your Pleasure

Since I can’t seem to help myself, maybe this reading can help someone else out there.

I found this link today while trying to find someone that could maybe help me: Grieving Behind the Badge.

And this was an interesting read too:

Suicides among Firefighters and Paramedics

Wednesday, March 2, 2011 Suicides Among Firefighters and Paramedics
By Gary Ludwig

This is not an easy subject to write about. Throughout my 33-year career, I have seen too many of my fellow brother and sister firefighters and paramedics commit suicide. You may have known someone you worked with who has also committed suicide. It happened in St. Louis more than once during my 25-year career there and in my 5 ½ years working for the Memphis Fire Department it has happened more than once also. Besides St. Louis and Memphis, I hear from my colleagues occasionally of a firefighter and paramedic suicide from around the country.

Those who are left behind try to figure out what happened to drive the person to this point and sometimes blame themselves for missing warning signs that they remember later.

In the cases I have been involved in and those I have know of from around the country, most suicides are really not about death. Most firefighters and paramedics do not want to die; they want an end to the incredible emotional pain and misery they feel. In the general public, some people commit suicide because of a terminal disease or chronic pain. But this is not usually the case with active firefighters and paramedics.

One of the more notable paramedic suicides involves the rescue of baby Jessica McClure in Midland, Texas in 1987 after she fell down a 18-inch wide well. CNN was a fledgling news station at the time and there was almost round the clock coverage of the rescue attempt that lasted 58 hours. Robert O’Donnell is the paramedic who is mostly credited with saving baby Jessica. O’Donnell received tremendous media coverage as a result of the rescue. In 1995, eight years after the incident and suffering from post-traumatic shock disorder from the rescue, he committed suicide.

My research shows that no one truly tracks the number of suicides among paramedics, firefighters, or even police officers. Some say the reason why is that because suicide overall — the cause of nearly 11 of every 100,000 U.S. deaths annually — is underreported.

USA Today did an article in 2003 and found that at least 100 police officers and paramedics committed suicide while on the job between 1992 and 2001. They did their research by delving into Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) records.

But OSHA only tracks on-the-job deaths – not those occur off the job. Moreover, many states do not track deaths by occupation, making it nearly impossible to study suicide rates of paramedics. USA Today reported in the article that one of the few such studies, published in 2002 year, found that New York City police officers were no more likely to kill themselves than other New Yorkers of comparable race, gender and age. The study covered deaths between 1977 and 1996.

A newspaper article earlier this year in Sydney, Australia about a paramedic committing suicide gave the statistics that one paramedic commits suicide each year in the region, and the rate of one in 3,500 paramedics is almost three times higher than the general community’s one in 10,000.

In early 2009, the Chicago Fire Department started to look at suicides of firefighters. According to union president Tom Ryan in a Chicago Tribune newspaper article, in the last year there were six suicides and undisclosed number of attempted suicides among Chicago firefighters and paramedics. The Chicago Fire Department has approximately 5,000 firefighters and paramedics.

Being a paramedic has a tremendous amount of stress. In some systems, not only is there the high run volume, but the difficulty of making life-and-death decisions on some calls. If you are a paramedic that works for an administration that is ready to discipline you for the slightest mistake, the stress factor increases tremendously. No paramedic should live in fear that they have to walk on eggshells for fear of being suspended for the slightest mistake. Remember, paramedics do things wrong for three reasons, they are unaware, they are unable, or they are unwilling. An administration should only be using discipline as a tool to correct behavior if a paramedic is unwilling to perform correctly.

The important thing for people in our profession is to support each other. It may not necessarily be the stress of the job that makes a firefighter or paramedic commit suicide, but it could be all the stress in their life, coupled with stress on the job. They might be experiencing financial problems, marital or relationship problems, or a substance abuse problem. Couple one of these with stress from the job, and some firefighters and paramedics may feel the only solution is suicide. There is a lot that can be learned when you work with someone for a long number of hours in the day and sometimes you may be the only person they can talk to. Do not ignore some of the things they are saying to you. It may be even necessary to report it to a supervisor so that professional intervention can be available for the person.

Unfortunately, suicide is a final solution that there is no turning back from. Once the act is complete, there is no other alternative. There is no undoing it! It is important that firefighters and paramedics recognize when a fellow professional is in need of help and do everything possible to get them that help since a successful suicide cannot be undone!