Hurting

I’m pissed beyond what words can describe! And so many thoughts are going through my head that I think straight! The best I can do is write, write everything on my mind. So I would like to apologize now, you will be hearing a lot from me, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to do. Writing gets this crap off my mind and it helps keep me alive…for now. I’m just hurting so bad! And I’m so damn angry! I honestly can’t tell you how much longer I can take this! This job, these people are killing me! Literally! If you never hear from me again…well…they were successful!

Another fucking fuck up by the Bitch has me so angry I cried, and screamed, and cried and my poor man had to listen to it all. I didn’t mean to and I feel bad for it, but he says he wants to help me despite what he said before. He said I have every right to sue them (something I never wanted to do) and if they don’t fix these problems then he will be pushing for me to do that. This is the last fuck up they have! The very last fucking one! I’m sick of this shit!

Recap time…first Jackass Captain laid his filthy hands on me! To be more specific…as I was walking past him he pulled me by the hips onto his lap, leaned me forward, slapped my ass, and told me that I’ve “been a bad girl”…real fucking nice! This was AFTER other incidents that I told him to stop. He used to tell me I’d make a nice “MILF” one day, and how he’d “love to fuck” me. Yea…I told him to stop, THEN he put his hands on me! I felt violated! Dirty. Nasty. But never told, I didn’t need that black mark on my record when I was just starting this career. But the Chief (the good one, the one that quit because of these assholes) found out, I told him after he kept asking, but I wouldn’t let him tell the Police Chief or the city…biggest mistake ever! But he found out, by was that fun.

Then, after all that, after the Police Chief finally found out about what the Jackass Captain did and got in trouble, the Asshole Lieutenant called me the “Chief’s little bitch”…yea, he had no idea I was sitting right there and could hear him. Once again, I never told. I did e-mail asking for a month off, I needed a break from these dickheads, but that was a mistake because that opened a fucking can of worms! So Asshole Lieuntenant got in trouble and this new Bitch of a “Chief” wasn’t the Chief at the time…but she changed her attitude towards me and made comments that he didn’t deserve the trouble and punishment he got. That I was just overreacting…I get accused of that a lot. I guess I should just keep my stupid mouth shut, huh?

Well now that this Bitch is the acting “Chief” I’m really fucked! And she is the most worthless, useless, underqualified “Chief” I have ever know! Fuck! I thought some Chief’s were bad…this Bitch is by far the worse!! So she changed our shift times, which fucked me over and I couldn’t put in availability at all for this month…there went just over half my income that I was counting on…stupid whore! Well I e-mailed her, TWICE, about not being able to work the shifts. Once almost two weeks ago now and once again today. Shortly after my second e-mail I get an e-mail to the whole staff with the schedules…yes, without me on there at all, whatever. Well, I called to ask if she was receiving my e-mails, because I have not gotten a single response. This is how that conservation went…

Me: This is “the employee you hate”, I was just wondering if you are getting my e-mails.

Bitch: Yes. (For the record, she started a bitch tone the moment she found out it was me.)

Me: I was wondering if there is a reason you’re not responding to them.

Bitch: I’m very busy, I don’t have time to respond to your e-mails.

Me: But you’re getting them? Because I never got anything back, from the first e-mail and again today. I just want to know if there is a reson I’m not getting a response.

Bitch: I don’t appreciate your tone.

Me: And I am just wondering if there is a reason why you’re not responding to my e-mails.

Bitch: Ok, STOP! You need to listen! I do not appreciate your tone! I am very busy and I don’t have the time to respond to your e-mails. You tone need to stop NOW! I have a lot to do and if I don’t have the time to respond to your e-mails, then you need to wait. Your tone is not needed and it can stop now, do you understand?

Me: Yes ma’am! (With a fucking attitude!!!!)

The Bitch continued on, but I didn’t listen, I didn’t need to, nothing she said or every says again is worth my time. I was beyond mad! I just sat there and cried! Cried for hours! Then my man called and I cried some more. I know he doesn’t want to hear this shit anymore, but he listened and said he’d help. I just cried some more and kept saying sorry, he said that as long as I’m stuck in this hell hole he’ll be here to help me. He’s got a meeting coming up too…with one of the city officials coming up, about something completely different. He’s not going to bring the hell hole up, but if the city official does…well it’s fair game! He’s going to make it clear that I have full rights to sue and if they don’t fix this shit, then he will be backing me 100% to do so! And given these officials respect him very much…well that should help things…I hope! Now I just have to see if the conversation actually happens…I’m praying the official brings up that hell hole or it won’t happen…

For now…sleep…it’s back to hell tomorrow…back to planning the end of me…

The Week From Hell

A lot has happened these past few days and I am in a DEEP rut! I’ve been in been for days, thinking about things I shouldn’t. I’ve made some very bad choices, spontaneous choices I shouldn’t make, stupid decisions. I have said things I shouldn’t, but not one has been alerted to them. No on cares. I’m completely on my own. So here are the events of the week…

It started because of the wedding, this stupid fucking wedding. My family has always loved my sister more, she’ll go places in life, no me. I’m going no where. She’s married now, has been working a full time job, finishing up school (her associates degree), and bought a house. Me? I’m not doing anything good with my life…my 5 jobs, two degrees, acceptance into my bachelor degree with a scholarship…none of that matters. I almost bought a house on my own, but my contract didn’t get accepted at the last minute, they backed out. I bought a new car with mostly all cash. I have plenty of money in the back…but none of it matters. I’m a failure.

The rehearsal was the start of hell. My mom demanded I take my camera for pictures, fine whatever…got to practice. But the fighting started about my hair, it’s never good enough for her. I should make it look more like a girl…funny, it’s long enough and I style it, but it’s still not good enough. I tried curling it, I love my curls, but the wind just destroyed that so back to the shower I went. Spent two hours doing my hair for nothing, so I spent another two hours on it. Straightened it, then curled it differently so it’d look “decent” and that wasn’t enough. I’m never good enough. But I tried to make the best of the day. Which wasn’t good.

Then came wedding day. I had to work the night before so my sleep was lacking…this did not help the situation. Then while I’m getting my hair done, my mom has to make her little comment. I can’t tell you how much this hurt me. It hurt so bad! I just felt my heart shatter…I didn’t know what to say or do. I just sat there. I mean who does that?? And why?? What makes you say that? To your child! Your own flesh and blood??

I don’t get it…she’s made because I have a friend, that is a girl, that I hang out with and my man is in my life? WTF? Shouldn’t she be mad if I’m out drinking, on drugs, getting knocked up, in jail…isn’t that what parents should be concerned about? I don’t get it. Someone explain it to me because I don’t get it. I mean, I have friends that care about me (or so I thought). We don’t go out doing drugs. We aren’t in trouble with the law. Yes, we have fun, drink some, TP houses, break rules and laws, but I’m not in trouble for it. It’s all harmless fun and good times. Is that wrong?

As for my man…he doesn’t beat me, he doesn’t yell at me, he doesn’t have me knocked up, he doesn’t hurt me…is that wrong? He holds doors, chairs, is polite, kind, respectful, and everything good, but it’s wrong for him to be in my life? I just don’t get it!! I don’t understand!

So at the wedding everyone made comments about me being all dressed up, I got tired of hearing it and my aunt told them to shut up already. She said it doesn’t matter if I’m a jeans and t-shirt girl…that’s me, that’s who I am and there’s not a problem with it. I was glad for her helping me. Then my mom came over and wanted a picture. She started her comments, so I said, “I’m going to find my gay friend.” And tried to walk off, she pulled me back and said she was just kidding. I wasn’t. It fucking hurt! And I’m going to hate her forever for it! It was uncalled for and just fucking rude!

During the wedding fucking sucked because my sister included the entire family, except me! She didn’t have me in it at all, I did NOTHING! I felt like a fucking retard and worthless. After the wedding it was picture time. Guess who they forgot to put in the family picture…? Yep, that would be me! They fucking forgot me in the family photo!!!!!!! Thanks a lot! Just ensuring more than already that I’m not going to be missed. Thank you family.

Between the wedding and the reception I sat at home with my “gay” friend. My mom screaming and yelling everything she said. For the record, I woke up that morning with a headache and by this point it had turned to a migraine. I was hurting and my mom wouldn’t shut the fuck up! OMG! Then I come downstairs to get more water to down even more medicine…my mom and her friends are fucking smoking pot! Now I’m pissed! I’m all for people having a good time, fine whatever, but don’t do that shit with me in the fucking house!! I can get pulled at any time for a random drug test, I’ll be fucked if that’s in my system, no more job. Had someone called the cops…well, that arrest would mean no more job, no more license, no more career. She could have fucked up my whole life!! They were doing it right out front with neighbors outside and around…are you stupid?!?! Ugh!

So now I’m in serious pain (pot makes my headaches worse), angry, and pissed! Off to the reception I go. FML! I was hurting SO bad! I had so much pain, the sound made it worse, the movement and light was making everything worse. I was so so sick. I had taken 4 times the amount of medicine I was allowed. I was in tears, literally. People kept coming over and yelling in my ear, “What’s wrong with you?” I’m fucking hurting, what’s it look like!!! Ahhhhh!!!!!! I cried almost the whole night. It wasn’t until 5 hours later that my mom finally noticed me and told me to go home. She was pissed, go figure. I stayed because she would make me pay forever if I left. My dad came over after her and said to just go home and if my mom has a problem, she can talk to him. Just great…a family fight again, all my fault.

A few friends came over, they sat with me. My neighbor and his boyfriend came and sat with me. His boyfriend gave me a neck and back massage to help, which did some. Then a slow song came on, he took me to the dance floor and was a nice gentleman about it. Kissed my hand as he took me from the table, held me during the song, told my mom to leave me the fuck alone when she came over (literally!). I loved him for that. He told me out of my whole family, I’m his favorite! : ) That made me smile. If only he wasn’t gay, damn! He could have any girl he wanted between his looks and behavior! But I’m not looking, I have my man, just saying. So the song ended, he kissed my forehead (my favorite kiss) and my hand then walked me back to my table. That was the high light of my night. The only good from the day. I’m so glad for him.

Finally it got late enough, the party slowed down, and I took off. I came home and cried, for hours. I cried myself to sleep, I just cried and cried. Woke up sick the next day, my mom was being a bitch about it and I cried the entire day too. I was in tears all day. And again yesterday, I cried most of yesterday too. And today, I’ve been crying today. I just can’t take anything anymore, I can’t take this life. I started writing letter, then threw them again. I have a list, of people that deserve a letter, rather good or bad, when I’m gone. I started writing to them, to explain everything but how do you explain in a letter to someone why you killed yourself? Is that possible?

My reason might be wrong, but I’m still alive until I can figure out how to say that in a letter. I just can’t stay here anymore. I can’t live this life. I feel so alone, so hurt, so angry…I just don’t know what to do anymore. The pain never stops. Ever. Right now I’m buying a plane ticket, rather I use it or not is undetermined, but I am buying it anyway. I need a break. I don’t know where I’ll go when I get there, where I’ll stay, what I’ll do, but I need to go. I need to leave. I need to get away from the world!