Promised

I made a promise and I never break promises. At least not when it is all within my control and I will not be breaking this one.

I promised Rocks I would be sticking around, so I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck listening to my useless rambles, at least for now. Sorry. I’m blaming Rocks for this! You can too! : ) Looks like you’re stuck with me for a while longer…at least for as long as I am needed. After that…well maybe someone else will need me.

I don’t believe I have depression because I don’t fit the signs of it. I know it’s not bi-polar because I was tested for that a while ago. I think it’s a combination of ADHD and that PTSD (from my past). I have been through a lot growing up, more than I have even mentioned here and maybe I will go back and start telling that story. Either way, I struggle every day with suicidal thoughts. I can’t stop it, it just happens. I could be happy, having a good day and the thought goes through my mind. I don’t always want it there, but it happens almost daily. It gets much worse when things are bad, then I sit there and dwell on the thought, sometimes planning it all out. I’ll admit it, I have some good plans. Sorry.

Despite all of it and what goes through my head, I made a promise and I will not break it. I’m here to stay and not allowed to give up just yet.

Not My Day

I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now, I’m just not myself. I’m so down, like lower than low. I need help but I won’t ask for it. I’m struggling here. I think the majority of this comes from all this crap with my so called “family” and this damn divorce. Not once has anyone asked me how I’m doing, cared about my struggle in this, or tried to listen to me. No one care, no one ever has. This is just a bad month and my family is just making it worse and worse. I need out, I need away. I need a break! I want to run away and never come back. I want to vanish because not a soul would care. I need to get out of here.