I’m here. For the moment anyway. I’ve been thinking for days, things racing through my mind faster than I can process, and I need to get it out. I’ve been avoiding my blog, partly because I don’t want to rant, but also because I can’t organize everything enough to get the words out and have them make sense. I’m so lost, confused, and alone right now.
I know I could turn to my man, but I won’t, not right now. That’s complicated. See, he says he strives to be my “totally awesome man” which he is great at! But there’s one complicated piece of that. He has a hard time listening, like truly listening, but this wasn’t always the case. A little background information…
When I first started talking to my man he figured me out fairly fast, faster than most. I have a hard time with communication, years of abuse ruined that life skill for me. I keep my mouth shut, take everything people say, until one days I can’t take it anymore and snap. Usually at the wrong place, wrong time, and wrong person. Talking is hard for me. So much runs through my mind, I don’t know what I’m suppose to say and what I’m not. I also have a hard time organizing things and getting it out. Most the time when I “talk” it’s just me answering questions asked, that I am good at, talking for myself I am not.
My man learned very quickly how to draw me out, what questions to ask, how to ask them, and waited patiently for me to respond. Sometimes it would take hours or even days to get a response, a proper one, but he learned to wait. He got me to a point where I could talk, without being questioned, and say what was on my mind. I could start to organize my thoughts, I was speaking my mind, and I was getting better at this communication thing…sort of. I had a long way to go but I was making progress.
Then one day, that all stopped. I can’t tell you the exact day, because I don’t know, but it feels that sudden. It’s like over night everything changed. When he became my man, he stopped listening as much. He didn’t want to hear my problems anymore. He stopped listening, he said I need to change things or quit complaining all the time. It was just…different. I understand, if I’m not going to change it then I shouldn’t be complaining, but sometimes I just need to say things, get it off my chest and things feel better, but it almost feels like he doesn’t care about that anymore.
He’s still my awesome man, takes care of me when I need it, helps me, is there for me…but I just feel he doesn’t care to listen to me anymore. And right now I could really use someone to talk to right now. I’m fighting myself just to stay alive. You know that whole “snowball” thing? Where all these small things build on top of each other and create one giant problem? My snowball started years ago and it’s still growing to this day. It never stops. I have no escape. My house has never been a home, it never will be. I don’t have that “safe place” to go when things it tough, I don’t have a place to escape the world, I have nothing.
I got into the first disagreement with my man in a long time, which finally prompted everything out of me. This was our conservation:
My man: I’m just not gonna try to beat out of you what’s wrong…like I don’t know already…and to be honest it’s getting very old honey. Can’t take a lot more of it.
Me: What’s getting old? Me? My problems? I’m doing what you want and I’m still fucking up. I will never be good enough. I’ve been on the damn edge for months and no one cares. Not one single person. Everyone just keeps pushing, even you. It never stops. I don’t have any escape anywhere. Do you even care that I have been crying myself to sleep? That I’m not sleeping? That I spend my nights awake thinking about things I shouldn’t? Would you even care if I was gone? Would you truly care? Because right now I’m seriously doubting it. You haven’t been the person you promised to be lately. I’ve needed to talk for weeks but I can’t come to you for it and I have no one. I’m trying to do exactly as you requested and it’s still not enough. You keep telling me that I need to “get over it” and “move on” and that is stuff is “getting old”…do you know what that does to someone already hurting and breaking down on the inside? Do you know what it’s like to be kicked while you’re down? I know you do, so why are you doing that to me? If you really did care, you would not be doing this to me right now! You say you “can’t take a lot more of it”…well, allow me to spare you it anymore.
My man: I have asked you for two days to talk to me and you won’t! So that accusation is false! Your problems is (name of hell job) and I CAN’T help you with those anymore and I’m NOT sorry about that! I am very HAPPY I quit and if you can’t handle that…then its over. Nothing else I can say! If you have some OTHER problem…I am all ears…call my phone! I absolutely RESENT you for making me feel guilty for not “protecting” you there! Get over it and be tough or quit! Your choice!
Me: I’m over it! And you! And this whole life! And that’s not a threat! That’s a promise! Depending on you was my biggest mistake ever!
My man: Tell me what in this life would make you happy, because I can’t figure it out!
Me: Being dead! That will make me AND EVERYONE happy! Good bye!
That’s when I shut my phone off. I haven’t looked at it since. I shouldn’t have sent the things I did, it was wrong and unfair of me. I’ve just been hurting so bad and he doesn’t want to listen anymore. It’s like he has seriously changed in the last couple weeks. Just randomly decided he doesn’t care about my problems anymore and doesn’t want to hear them.
I just can’t go on anymore. I can’t do it. I’m done. I’m “over it” and over this life.