Charlie St. Cloud

Tonight Charlie St. Cloud was on tv and I called my man so he could watch it. This movie will always mean something to me, see it was the first movie my man and I went to watch. I still remember that day very much. I was still “with” the asshole boyfriend. He was there, trying to control me, yelling at me, but was never truly there. He just wanted to yell at me and talk down to me. He never really cared about me. So after a particularly bad day, my man stole me away. He took me out for the day and since it was quit chilly we needed something to do inside so we hit the movies.

The beginning of the movie was hard for me because of my car accident. I couldn’t watch and had tears in my eyes, but my man held my hand tight and kept me close. He held me close the whole movie and this was the first time we really got close to each other. I remember watching the movie but never really focusing on it, I spent more time thinking about him and what he meant to me. This movie always reminds me of that day, the day I realized just how much I loved him and why. He will always be my man!

So I need some help, with Christmas and what to do…maybe you can help me rocks since you and him are close in age. Last year I got him this book I made, it was custom with reasons why I love him. He totally loved it! Had tears when I gave it to him! Each page said, “I love….” and gave a reason why with a little stick figure on it saying why. I used some of the precreated pages and then made my own. He keeps it right next to his bed and reads it from time to time. Now my problem is…how the hell do I top that?!?!

I don’t really have to top that, but I have no idea what to get him at all! Help!! Any ideas? Suggestions?? Anything? He always gets on me about spending too much, tells me not to because he knows my situation with the medical bills and just hates when I spend money on him. In my opinion, I don’t care, if it’s something he will truly love, then I’ll spend the money. I thought about making something, but I don’t know what to make. I’m quit crafty and skilled at a lot of different things. Maybe frame some of my pictures for him? I don’t know!

Please help! All suggestions are welcome!

The Day He Told Me

It had been a horrible week. I was stressing with state tests coming up, finishing school, my parents announce their divorce to us kids (after telling the entire family months prior), the ex boyfriend was causing trouble, hell job was more hell, life was just…tough.

My man and I were still “friends” at this point. We were kind of like teenagers sneaking around. He had done nothing more than hugged me and kissed my forehead a few times at this point. We would meet in parks, empty parking lots, commuter lots, my basement after everyone had fallen asleep…where ever we could to talk. He’d hold me close if I needed it, I’d cry sometimes, but we did nothing more than talk.

One day between school and work, I was having a particularly bad day, so he meet me at a small park, one many people pass by and rarely visit. We talked, I cried some, then it came time to leave. He gave me a hug bye and I’ll never forget the words he whispered that day.

“I am so in love with you.”

I heard it, but it didn’t fully register. I knew he loved me, but he was in love with me…I figured he might be, but never expected to hear it. I didn’t say anything, I just left and went to work. I sat there thinking about it for hours, totally distracted. Was that really what I heard? Was it so?

I never brought it up, not that day, not that week, I didn’t say anything about it. Our relationship developed, we became more, and I finally asked about that day. He doesn’t remember saying it, but he said he remembers thinking it. He said he had been thinking it for a while, but never realized he said it. I guess it really is love when you say it and don’t realize it?

PostSecret

Every week I check PostSecret. Sometimes I’m up first thing Sunday to look, while other weeks I have to wait to check it. This morning I finally got a chance to check the site to see this weeks secrets and came across one that got my attention right away!

20121015-062428.jpg

I wish I could find who this secret belongs too! I want to talk to them and listen to their story! Especially considering I will probably end up the same since I’m with my man and refuse to give him up for my so called “family”. I just want to know what they went though and their life now! I wish there was a way to get a message out for the person that sent this secret in to contact me!

It started with a text

I can’t remember if I’ve written about this before or not, but I’m honestly too lazy right now to bother with going back to look so you get the story anyway. Luck you, right? It’s a good one, I promise. I’ve been sitting around thinking, which is never a good thing, but tonight it was. I’ve been thinking about life, how I got to where I am today. How life with my man and this relationship is now. What it might be like in the future. Will my family every accept this? Just everything running through my head, the good and the bad, and then I started thinking…what started this amazing bond and love we share. It started with a text.

I used to see him sitting at his desk when I would pass by, those bright blue eyes, they got my attention right away. So caring, but so sad. I could see it hidden back there, deep sadness and hurt. He always seems so happy and caring for others but those eyes told a different story, one his heart hid. I just had this desire I cannot explain, to make him happy. I wanted those eyes to smile with the rest of him.

It wasn’t long before my miserable life kicked in and he caught me in tears. I tried to hide them but it was impossible, I was crying too hard. Family was killing me, the boyfriend was controlling and demanding, and people at work had started their toll early. Everything became too much and I broke at the wrong time and even worse, he walked in on it. He didn’t say anything then, just left me to myself knowing I was embarrassed. I respected that because no one ever wants to get involved, but so desperately needed someone.

Then the next day I got a text. That’s where it started, with an innocent text asking if I was better. I lied but I think he knew that. Every so often I’d get a text making sure I was doing okay but each day the texts started to grow. We started talking about more things, deeper things. We started talking about my family, I finally told him about them. How my dad beat me, my mom yelled every bad thing about me she could, my sister did a combination of both. He didn’t know what to say. No one ever does. We talked about everything in life. And we started talking all the time. He had become one of my best friends and some of my friends were hating that, especially the boyfriend that was treating me so bad.

Then I left, for a whole week. On vacation with that stupid boyfriend. 16 hour flight away, several time zone changes, and our communication was cut off. He still had to work and I was on different hours. How do I tell him about my days? How do I stay in touch with the man I was growing so fond of, especially when my “boyfriend” was treating me so horrible? E-mail of course! At the end of the day, every single day, I wrote him an e-mail. Told him of my events, both good and bad. Make sure he knew I was alive and in one piece. He woke up every single morning to a nice long e-mail and plenty of pictures from vacation. He liked that.

While on that trip, he now admits, that is when he fell in love with me. For me, I think I can say the same. He had so much concern that I was having a good time, but reminded me how much he missed me and couldn’t wait till I came back. I felt the same way! I couldn’t wait to see him again! I just was dying without him and I think the boyfriend knew it. I’m not sure you would call him a “boyfriend” at this time though because we were already pretty much over and I found out later on that he had another girl the whole time.

Anyway, we returned. And upon that return, I got the biggest hug I had ever gotten in my whole life! And even better…I got a kiss. A kind and gentle kiss to my forehead. My favorite kiss. One kiss to the forehead is worth 1000 kisses else where. I will always love those. And that’s when it happened, that’s when I started to fall for this man. I was scared, did he feel the same? Of course he did, I could hear it in his e-mails back while I was on vacation. So where do we go from here? What next? I left that up to time.

Time took care of the rest. I ditched the controlling boyfriend and my man was right there to help me through that. Our feelings grew stronger, but we still stayed friends. He would hold me, listen to me, help me, let me cry when I needed…he was everything I needed in life. Then one day it happened. I was talking to him and he just had this look in his eyes, so full of love. Those eyes were finally smiling, I loved that. Then he kissed me. Gently. Right on the lips. He did it so quickly, right before I left, I didn’t know what to do or what to think. But I liked it. And I wanted me.

Life with my man started with a text, turned into friendship, then developed into companionship. He is my best friend above all else and my lover next. I don’t want to lose him, I can’t! But I have this horrible ache when it comes to my family. Will they every accept this? I seriously doubt it. But what does it matter? It’s not their choice, it’s not their concern. If I’m being treated like a lady, respected, taken care of, put my needs above his, protected, and I’m happy, what does it matter? It shouldn’t. Isn’t that what everyone wants for their child? I don’t have kids yet, but that is what I would want for mine. Whatever makes them happy, then I will be happy.

I would have never guessed myself in an age gap relationship, but that’s exactly where I am and I couldn’t be more happy with it! He’s my man! And I don’t want anything to take that away!

For now…off to bed because my man and I are off to geocache tomorrow! : ) That and riding my dirtbike are the two things that make me happy in life. My dirtbike gives me something I can’t explain…my mind is always racing, always moving, but when I get on my bike everything stops. I can think about just that one thing, no thoughts, no ideas, just riding. Freedom from my mind! Now…if I could just find a damn truck so I could actually go riding…my next goal! Oh, and on a side note…my man is totally cool with having little badass dirtbike kids like their mommy! : )

Missing Colorado

…and I’m back. Hell starts tomorrow morning. FML! I will be posting pictures of my sights soon, just as soon as I’m done editing. I can’t wait to go back!! I’m missing it already!! So freaking bad! Feels like the vacation was too damn short. I’ve been asked to return in November…just hope I can afford it! Actually, I was told not to leave! lol My man’s friends just loves me!! That’s great that they all support us!

Better, But Not Great

I was told to keep wriing so that is what I am going to do, write until I can’t write anymore. Thanks for reading my blog and commenting, it really helped! : ) I’m doing better, I feel less alone but I still have my moments.

I’m just really struggling right now because I see my man less and less, life is keeping us busy. I’m back to work full force, including hell. I’m not looking forward to the (now ex) captains return, in fact I’m downright dreading it! I am sick with worry over it and I don’t know what to do. Should I tell the police chief? No, I think for now I should keep quiet until something actually happens, then I will talk to him.

Working with the (now ex) lieutenant has been…interesting. Everyone knows that he lost his title, but they are not SUPPOSE to know why, though I’m sure he told everyone it was because of me. I just hate this, dealing with it all, it makes things worse. I come into work here and just spend my time working my ass off by myself or locked up in my room alone. It just makes this “lonely” feeling stronger. I’m just doing the best I can to make it through each day, one at a time.

Life with this divorce is getting more difficult by the day thanks to my wonderful “father.” I really don’t see him as family anymore, I don’t see him as any body. I will continue to ignore him until he starts treating me better and with more respect. Things with him have always been bad and I don’t see them getting much better any time soon. He’s a bitter asshole! He’s been a bitter asshole his whole life because he was “adopted and his parents didn’t want him.” The man refuses to find out why his parents chose to give him a better life, instead he just blames them and takes it out mostly on me. He’s a loner and a loser. Sorry, but that’s my opinion about the person the state says is my “father.”

As far as things with my man, they are going good…when I get to see him. He recently picked up a new part time job when he quit his old one, problem is he never officially quit his old one. I mean he quit, but they are still using him until they find a replacement so therefore he isn’t gone from there. It sucks majorly because I now rarely see him. It’s just in passing or a couple hours here and there, we’re not getting much quality time together and I really hope that changes soon. Maybe it’ll help my mood some if things do change.

As far avoiding drama in my life…well it’s trying to walk back in and I refuse to let it. Remember that friend I turned in for welfare fraud? She’s back, sort of. Her fiance is anyway, and he swears she misses me. I refused to respond to his texts. Over a year ago he called me stupid for missing his “childs” birthday…they just wanted a gift. I was busy trying to finish paramedic school and working my ass off, it’s not like I missed it on purpose. They scheduled it on a day I had to do my clinical hours which are usually anywhere from 10-14 hour days and I was exhausted and had to be up at 3am the next morning so I choose to go home and sleep at 9pm instead of going to the party that was an hour away. Shoot me! Seriously, you’re going to get mad about that?? Don’t need you in my life.

Well, after a year and 7 months without contact, I get a text message out of the blue from him. My response? To not respond. I don’t want/need them in my life. Seriously, it’s been wonderful without them. They can’t gossip about my whereabouts to my ex because they don’t know my whereabouts. But they are somehow getting some information about me because they sure had some rumors about me. I went into a business I used to work at to get some items and found out there were rumors about me there and there was only one place that this specific rumor came from…her and my ex. There is no other way that it go there, I’ve tried to come up with anything but there is no possibility.

Some people will never grow up…ever. Whatever, I’m not going back to that. I’m better where I am now, even though I have down days, I don’t have to deal with them. And another reason to keep them out of my life…they have never liked my man and this was back when me and him were just friends, they really won’t like him now. But that doesn’t matter, it’s not their opinion that matters.

“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” -Eleanor Roosevelt

For now, all my focus and energy will be spent on my photography because that keeps me happy.

Sorting Out This Life

Once again my mind is racing, I’m warning you now that this post will probably be completely random and all over. Life has just been so full of surprises, complications, and challenges lately. I’m having a hard time still with this divorce. Not the divorce itself, more dealing with the family about the divorce, and more particularly my father. The asshole STILL refuses to sign my car over to me! I’m not a child anymore, he can’t control me no matter how hard he tires. He never could, should have given up years ago!

I found out this week that when he moved out he did in fact steal some of my stuff and took it with him, no doubt to be used as a reason to get me to come over. Well I texted him (I hate calling him, he never shuts up and get whinny) and told him I want my stuff back, to send it with my brother. The text I got back…”You can lose your attitude and come pick it up.” My response? “No, you can send it over. I didn’t steal it from my house so I will not be picking it up.” Wrong answer…I just ignored the rest of his texts, I’m done dealing with him. I refuse to go see the jerk! I’m sick of him and his family. Except for his sister and her kids…I have zero contact with the rest of them. Fuck em! I shouldn’t have to deal with them or feel like this anymore!

I’m still finding it difficult at times about my brother being gone. It’s still weird walking past his room and it being completely empty. He was kind of an asshole like my father, however it was a body here…it just…felt different. I’m used to people everywhere…now it’s just me and the puppies. And maybe my mom…but rarely. I’m not used to a house this empty. It’s weird. I’ve been having such a hard time sleeping too. I’m just…lost. Confused. And hurting on the inside, alone. I’m just ready to start my own family, I want a nice big one, kids everywhere! : ) My man is ready for a family with me…however the 12 kids…well…I’ll convince him! One day.