Know Your Limit…and Stop

As you know, I recently had that little “surgery” to get that tooth out. It felt SO much better to have out! I’m not happy about what happened, but the problem is “fixed” now…just have to save money and hope I can get an implant now. More money…more bills…just what I don’t need! Oh well I guess…that’s just my life. You would think I would be used to this by now…guess not. The removal went well, doctor said it came out easily and wouldn’t be too hard to recover from, which it wasn’t. It was painful, and sore, but overall it wasn’t horrible. I took the pain meds the first 2 days but after that I used only ibuprofen.

Anyone that works with medicine, you know that high doses of ibuprofen does not mix well with high heat. I had my weekly training for the fire department, no big deal…except for the fact that I forgot I had taken a high dose of ibuprofen…uh oh. Ibuprofen, heat, humidity, and full gear…not a good combination! My body already has a hard time regulating it’s temperature, I can’t fight off the cold or heat since my horrible fever when I was younger. I had a temperature of 106.7…and yes, I am alive today. It was horrible! And I’ve had problems since. It caused a problem at training.

I remember being given a command and saying ok, but never got up. The BC asked if I was ok, I remember telling them yea but just felt so out of it. Then him and someone else picked me up by my coat and drug me over to get my gear off. Stripped off my gear, got cold towels on me, cold fluids slowly and laid me down. They took care of me great and arranged me a ride home and everything. They did great for me! I came home and slept…for hours! Almost didn’t get up the next morning for work. It felt good to finally have some sleep though. I have not been sleeping well at all.

My man decided that he wants me to find someone I can spend my life with, grow old together, have a family…you know…a “normal” relationship. His plan to help me find someone…? Abandoning me. I haven’t see or heard from him much at all. He just took off, has camping, floating, and all these plans with everyone…nothing with me. We had plans for the summer but he changed it all…no longer am I going on vacation because he cancelled that for me. I’m just alone now. Lost and told to go find someone my age. That’s it…that’s his plan. Leaving me…it will fix everything, right?

I’m not happy. I’m hurting. I’m alone. I’m stuck. I’m abandoned. Everyone else has the summer plans made, trips and everything…I now have nothing. The ONLY camping trip we had planned, he cancelled and made plans to go with some new camping group he joined. You have no idea how much that hurts. And how did I fix this hurt? I made sure he knew it! I told him how much it hurt! I told him what he did! I told him how I felt! I let him have it!

What has that done? Nothing. Not a single thing. He has tried to make a few plans…a trip to my favorite swimming location, a small float down a nearby river…but no trips to my favorite river. None of my friends have money to make the trips and go camping with me. They only have money for one trip and have it planned so I’m just here. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t know what to do! I hurt and nothing stops it! i just hurt so bad.

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What Now?

Why must life be so complicated? So confusing? How did I fall in love with a man nearly twice my age? How did this happen? If you had told me this would happen, I never would have believe you, but love is blind. It’s not his age, it’s how we get along, it’s how he cares, truly cares about me.

Recently I had problems with my man, he forgot my graduation and planned a trip instead. We have the same problems every relationship has, we have disagreement but we move on. The one thing that is different about our relationship is the age and how that part effects our lives. He has expressed concern about how other people might see our relationship and doesn’t want it to hurt me. I really don’t care if they hate our relationship, it’s not theirs. I have had trouble with my family, but they were piss poor anyway so who cares? Honestly, if they left my life would be better off.

We have discussed recently some other problems that come into play with an age gap relationship. Children. I have always wanted to be a mom! I want at least 3 kids, I want to give them everything I didn’t have, love, kindness, and a parent that cares. My original plan in life was to work part time and home school them, but plans change. Life changes. At first my man said how much he wanted to raise a family with me, how he knows what a great mom I’ll be.

Recently he claims to have been thinking a lot and isn’t sure kids are a good idea. I completely see his side, he’s close to retirement, how can he afford kids and raise them? That is his concern. That and he can’t stand to leave me behind, if something happened, if he were called up early in life. I told him that will be figured out if/when that time comes, God forbid. I could marry someone my age and lose them in a car accident, or they walk out on me. Life is uncertain. He saw this when his coworker lost her husband this week, he died at the young age of 40, leaving her to raise their 10 year old son alone. That’s life, it happens. Does it hurt? Yes, but I have come to accept the fact that people die. It is life’s cycle, some are just able to keep it away longer. I would rather spend the time we both have on this earth together.

He told me he would stick around until I found someone, that he loves me enough to let me go and not hold me back from my plans in life. That hurts me, in a way I can’t explain. I don’t want to find someone else, I have the person I want in life. He did tell me that if I were to find someone else he would be very concerned about how I’m treated, how well they take care of me, and how he would worry all the time if I’m happy.

Regardless of what he says, I know what my heart wants. I know who I want to be with for whatever time I have on this earth. I know what I want and I refuse to let it go.

My Man

My man loves me.

My man holds me.

My man knows almost all of my needs.

My man wipes away my tears.

My man holds the doors for me.

My man opens car doors for me.

My man isn’t afraid to hold my hand.

My man kisses me softly.

My man hugs me.

My man supports my decisions.

My man reminds me regularly how proud he is of me.

My man always there for me.

My man just happens to be a little older than I am.

Our age difference does not define our relationship, we are no different than you.

Because of his age, he is more patient and works with me, not against me.

We work out any problems, we do not run.

He helps me.

He will never leave me.

My man loves me.

My Man and Christmas

I haven’t posted much about my man lately. We are going. Doing good. He says he hurts with me, but is trying to help me through this. I sure hope he can.

As for Christmas, there were two things he wanted so I scraped up money and got them both! He forgot he asked for the first, but I think he has the other figured out. I’m also planning on trying to cook a nice dinner for him soon. I’ll only have a few stolen minutes Christmas Day to see him. We both work before and right after. Shame.

As for my gifts…he is torturing me like normal!! “The are round, but yet square.” “Big, but yet small.” “Sharp, but yet it isn’t.” Ugh! Men!! Ha but it’s fun! Keeps me smiling during this shit. This morning he said he can’t fit it all in his garage! He’s messing with me. I would LOVE to own a 2012 Chevrolet 2500 HD, dura max diesel! Decked out! When I did the specs, the total came out to $56,000!! I’m gonna need a new career…

Day 19

I have nothing more to be thankful for. Not one. I thought all day and not a single thing comes to mind. Am I that horrible of a person? I can’t even be thankful for anything?

A little back story about the weekend and how I got to where I am right now…alone…

I was having a bad day, just one problem after another. Stuck at “hell” job all day, stupid drivers coming home, phone call from my mom all pissy, then my dad telling me about my grandma…just a bad day. Well, my man was in the area so he went to my house and waited for me to get there from work. I came in just stressed and not in a good mood. First he asks what my problem was, no hi…nothing…just, “what’s wrong now?” Am I that predictable? So I started by telling him crappy drivers made my day worse and without me even getting to explain about my grandma or the phone call from my mother, he responds with, “You’re ruining your life. You need to let it go.”

Probably not a bad response if you look at it and looking back now it wasn’t the worst response he could have chosen, however this particular night it was a “trigger” and I lost it. My response was something along the lines of, “I don’t need this tonight” and I took off upstairs in tears. I just couldn’t take anymore that day. His response to that? He left. Walked right out the door. I needed comfort, not another person to walk away. Am I that horrible to deal with?

By then I was pissed. Beyond pissed! I sent all kinds of horrible texts, ones I probably shouldn’t have, but I did it. I told him I’m done with him, with this family, with everyone. I told him to leave me alone and go enjoy his “happy fucking life” and that was the last message I sent. I have not responded to a single text message, phone call, nor e-mail from him for two days. He’s tried…sort of, but has yet to say sorry at all. So for now…I refuse to talk to him. I may have messed up, and I know my already bad day made things worse, but I refuse to let it be 100% my fault.

As for my grandma…got the call today that the doctors want to intubate so I had no choice but to go to the hospital. My mother and father are both on me about seeing her, but you know what…she’s been nothing but a bitch to me every time I see here…why should I take off work to go up there? I have bills to pay and I just flat out don’t want to be around her. Call me evil. I don’t give a shit anymore.

I guess being in EMS has given me a cold heart when it comes to the sick and dying. I’m used to it so to speak. It’s a part of life, I’m at peace with it, and know it’s coming. If it’s their time, it’s their time. If I lost the grandparents that helped raise me…yes it would hurt, I’d cry and miss them horribly, however it’s life. I don’t know…I don’t know how to deal with emotions. I don’t know what to do, what to say. I just…I don’t know. It’s life. And the grandma that is in bad shape…well, she has not been kind for a long time now…she’d be better off with my grandpa anyway because she has been a COMPLETELY different person without him.

What can I say…I’m a cold hearted bitch and I want nothing to do with anything right now. I’m done with it all. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of feeling. I’m tired.

Toying With An Idea

This is something I have been thinking about for years, since at least Freshman year of high school. I never was one for the grades, I think that came from a combination of the ADHD and abuse. It was all pretty much known by teachers, friends, and people around me. Everyone knew I had problems, but no one ever asked or did anything.

When I was in elementary I got diagnosed with ADHD and learning disorders including dyslexia. I remember my mother’s words exactly…”she doesn’t need treatment, she needs to grow up and learn how to behave!” My mom allowed my sister to get treatment for her reading disorder, but wouldn’t let me. I learned to adapt, even ended up in honors classes through junior high and high school. I never did a single bit of homework either, not one. Looking back I wonder how I managed to pass classes and stay in those honors classes…I’m really starting to think my teachers knew about the abuse. Anyway, I made it through school, barely, but did it. I always thought about what I wanted to be, what I wanted to do with my life. I thought about becoming a doctor or counselor or something to help children get the help I never got.

I got into college, barely made it through that. Problems at home got worse and I dropped out of school. Was working 3 jobs and got tired of it. I went back to school, trying to decide what I wanted to do with my life. About this time I met “asshole boyfriend” but he wasn’t an asshole yet, he was a good guy at this time. I was trying to decide what I wanted to do with my life. With his help and suggestion, I got into EMT class. I loved it! It was great and loved working in the field. I moved forward, finished fire school and got into Paramedic. Asshole boyfriend became more of an asshole because he didn’t like me being in fire/EMS even though he suggested it. We split up and my man became a bigger part of my life.

So now I’m done with medic, working as a firefighter/medic but I feel like I want more out of life. I LOVE being on an ambulance and firetruck, but I have always considered doing more. I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about becoming a doctor…I think this is what I want. I still hope to work on an ambulance too, but I think I want to continue schooling to be a pediatric doctor. I want to do more, help more, and become more in life. I really want to go to school to become a doctor but I can’t afford that…I don’t know how I’d be able to…I can’t work AND go to school for that at the same time.

So…now what do I do? I guess I have to be content with being a paramedic, something I love doing! And just not move on to be more…that’s ok, it’s probably better that way anyway. No matter which choice I make, I know I have my man here to support me!

Breaking Amish

So I don’t normally watch tv. In fact, I never watch tv…ever. People have it on at work but I never sit still long enough to watch it, except for today. I woke up with a horrible migraine, been downing medicine all day and came into work anyway. It’s hell job, but nice and quiet so it’s not so bad I guess. Since I don’t feel good, that means I’m laying around for once. Not something I want to do, I feel extremely restless and bouncing around, but I feel too horrible to fight my mind and body.

As you can see by the title, I’m watching the Breaking Amish marathon and wow…that’s all I can say. I knew they would go crazy, that was predicted, it’s human nature. The wow is for the things that happened as they were growing up and what their lives were like, not what they are doing now. It’s just crazy to watch them. I knew drinking would be a big thing with them, it was expected, but they are really love drinking.

I’ve never been a big drinker, it’s sort of made me an outcase while growing up. I never really fit in with people my age. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with a drink here and there, but because of the abuse I hate drunks and I don’t want to be like my parents so I don’t drink. It’s just how I feel and my choice. My man is completely ok with it, which is good, I’m very thankful for that. Most guys that have asked me out always want to go to the bar and I’m just not into that…it’s not me.

Two of these kids were adopted into this life, that must really make it hard. I want to adopt a kid one day, I want to bring them up in a life they may not have had before. I feel bad for those kids that were adopted into that life or any life they don’t fit into. It’s hard not fiting in…I know. But I just hope that when/if I adopt a child, I can help them fit in somewhere in this world. My dad is adopted and he’s extremely bitter about it, maybe that’s why he beat me all the time, but I don’t want my kid to grow up like that. I want them to know how loved they are, exactly the same a biological children of mine.

What I have gotten from this show…I could NOT be Amish! Not because of the loss of technology or anything like that, because I wouldn’t know any better, but because I just couldn’t live that kind of life. I couldn’t live under that kind of control. And leaving would be hard, very hard because you lose everything, but at the same time…what do you really have? It’s just crazy!

I’m glad something interesting has been on all day, because this is helping some. And it’s really interesting to see this, it is great. Now, back to laying down because this migraine is moving from a “functioning” to a “non-functioning” migraine…I could use my man right now. Really really bad!