…to get help that is. Called the suicide hotline and got put on hold…for far too long. I give up.
I was told to keep wriing so that is what I am going to do, write until I can’t write anymore. Thanks for reading my blog and commenting, it really helped! : ) I’m doing better, I feel less alone but I still have my moments.
I’m just really struggling right now because I see my man less and less, life is keeping us busy. I’m back to work full force, including hell. I’m not looking forward to the (now ex) captains return, in fact I’m downright dreading it! I am sick with worry over it and I don’t know what to do. Should I tell the police chief? No, I think for now I should keep quiet until something actually happens, then I will talk to him.
Working with the (now ex) lieutenant has been…interesting. Everyone knows that he lost his title, but they are not SUPPOSE to know why, though I’m sure he told everyone it was because of me. I just hate this, dealing with it all, it makes things worse. I come into work here and just spend my time working my ass off by myself or locked up in my room alone. It just makes this “lonely” feeling stronger. I’m just doing the best I can to make it through each day, one at a time.
Life with this divorce is getting more difficult by the day thanks to my wonderful “father.” I really don’t see him as family anymore, I don’t see him as any body. I will continue to ignore him until he starts treating me better and with more respect. Things with him have always been bad and I don’t see them getting much better any time soon. He’s a bitter asshole! He’s been a bitter asshole his whole life because he was “adopted and his parents didn’t want him.” The man refuses to find out why his parents chose to give him a better life, instead he just blames them and takes it out mostly on me. He’s a loner and a loser. Sorry, but that’s my opinion about the person the state says is my “father.”
As far as things with my man, they are going good…when I get to see him. He recently picked up a new part time job when he quit his old one, problem is he never officially quit his old one. I mean he quit, but they are still using him until they find a replacement so therefore he isn’t gone from there. It sucks majorly because I now rarely see him. It’s just in passing or a couple hours here and there, we’re not getting much quality time together and I really hope that changes soon. Maybe it’ll help my mood some if things do change.
As far avoiding drama in my life…well it’s trying to walk back in and I refuse to let it. Remember that friend I turned in for welfare fraud? She’s back, sort of. Her fiance is anyway, and he swears she misses me. I refused to respond to his texts. Over a year ago he called me stupid for missing his “childs” birthday…they just wanted a gift. I was busy trying to finish paramedic school and working my ass off, it’s not like I missed it on purpose. They scheduled it on a day I had to do my clinical hours which are usually anywhere from 10-14 hour days and I was exhausted and had to be up at 3am the next morning so I choose to go home and sleep at 9pm instead of going to the party that was an hour away. Shoot me! Seriously, you’re going to get mad about that?? Don’t need you in my life.
Well, after a year and 7 months without contact, I get a text message out of the blue from him. My response? To not respond. I don’t want/need them in my life. Seriously, it’s been wonderful without them. They can’t gossip about my whereabouts to my ex because they don’t know my whereabouts. But they are somehow getting some information about me because they sure had some rumors about me. I went into a business I used to work at to get some items and found out there were rumors about me there and there was only one place that this specific rumor came from…her and my ex. There is no other way that it go there, I’ve tried to come up with anything but there is no possibility.
Some people will never grow up…ever. Whatever, I’m not going back to that. I’m better where I am now, even though I have down days, I don’t have to deal with them. And another reason to keep them out of my life…they have never liked my man and this was back when me and him were just friends, they really won’t like him now. But that doesn’t matter, it’s not their opinion that matters.
“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” -Eleanor Roosevelt
For now, all my focus and energy will be spent on my photography because that keeps me happy.
I am completely exhausted but can’t sleep, so here I am, ridding my head of the thoughts keeping me awake.
Today I worked the “new” job, which I’m loving!! I love all the people so far, they are super nice to me! And I love everything about it. It’s just wonderful there!! Especially compared to where I’m stuck now! After a full day at my better job, I’m stuck in hell (the old job) because not a single person would answer me to take this shift. They have taken this “ignore her” plan to a whole new level!
I’m really hating the fact that I decided to come back…and I’m dreading more than ever when the exCaptain returns! In one week exactly he comes back and I’m stuck with him the entire day! I’m so fucked!! And another week after that, I’m stuck with him and his worst buddies. The ones that witnessed what he did to me but swear I was the one laying my hands on him…I won’t what he bribed them with to say that…I hate liars, especially ones that will lie for the highest briber! So I’m suppose to be with them for 24 hours however I’m feeling a case of the flu might be coming on. I’m about 99% sure I’m calling off. If I don’t call off then you better keep all guns, hammers, ropes, scissors, knives, ice picks, and basically any sharp or dangerous object away from me! For my sake, but mostly for theirs.
Though I could come in and really fuck with them…that’s another option. Since we’re not required to stay in the building, I’m feeling some walks, visits to the park, shopping, and anything that keeps me out of the building is a great possibility! Anyone care to join me for lunch?? : )
I’ll know this time next week how good my decision was…I’m thinking I made a bad one here.
Once again my mind is racing, I’m warning you now that this post will probably be completely random and all over. Life has just been so full of surprises, complications, and challenges lately. I’m having a hard time still with this divorce. Not the divorce itself, more dealing with the family about the divorce, and more particularly my father. The asshole STILL refuses to sign my car over to me! I’m not a child anymore, he can’t control me no matter how hard he tires. He never could, should have given up years ago!
I found out this week that when he moved out he did in fact steal some of my stuff and took it with him, no doubt to be used as a reason to get me to come over. Well I texted him (I hate calling him, he never shuts up and get whinny) and told him I want my stuff back, to send it with my brother. The text I got back…”You can lose your attitude and come pick it up.” My response? “No, you can send it over. I didn’t steal it from my house so I will not be picking it up.” Wrong answer…I just ignored the rest of his texts, I’m done dealing with him. I refuse to go see the jerk! I’m sick of him and his family. Except for his sister and her kids…I have zero contact with the rest of them. Fuck em! I shouldn’t have to deal with them or feel like this anymore!
I’m still finding it difficult at times about my brother being gone. It’s still weird walking past his room and it being completely empty. He was kind of an asshole like my father, however it was a body here…it just…felt different. I’m used to people everywhere…now it’s just me and the puppies. And maybe my mom…but rarely. I’m not used to a house this empty. It’s weird. I’ve been having such a hard time sleeping too. I’m just…lost. Confused. And hurting on the inside, alone. I’m just ready to start my own family, I want a nice big one, kids everywhere! : ) My man is ready for a family with me…however the 12 kids…well…I’ll convince him! One day.
It’s time for me to start thinking about things and start thinking hard. Before I mentioned problems at an older job with my Captain and the employees there. There are more problems than I can ever explain, it’s just endless. With the help of my awesome man I was able to land a new job, go me! However hours have not picked up enough at this job to leave my current hell, but now I’m thinking I’m just going to have to quit and deal with it.
This is the first time I can honestly say I hate my job. Maybe I should clarify that some, I don’t hate the job, I love what I do, I hate the people I work with. More times than I can count these people make me want to kill myself. I am seriously sitting here today and found myself wanting to just end it all. I’m so sick of this place. I really need to think about things if I’m wanting to kill myself while I’m here.
I need help! I can’t afford counseling, not with all these issues with my teeth coming up. I can’t afford to just quit, not with the bills from my teeth. I’m so stuck and feel like I’m at a dead end, I feel so helpless right now! I never ask for help, every. For as long as I can remember I have taken care of myself and been on my own, but I need help! And bad! I don’t want to make a stupid mistake, I don’t want to use a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Help!
I sent the following e-mail to my chief.
I am requesting a leave of absence during the month of July, 2012. Due to recent events within the department and treatment from my fellow employees, I am requesting time off for my own mental health. I will not be putting in availability for this month. For my own sanity I cannot be stationed with my fellow employees for extended hours. I need some time off to consider myself and what I want to do with my current career with “said department”.
If staff is needed for PR events or CPR/First Aid training please feel free to contact me, I am more than willing to help. As you both know, I love doing both these things and would love to help.
After a month off, and time to think, I will continue to put in regular availability unless I decide to resign my position from “said department”, at which time you will receive a months notice.
Thank you for your time,
“The employee accused of fucking the boss” <– no, I promise I didn’t sign it this way, but I should have. I’m sick of being accused of so much that I have not, will not, and do not do! Ugh!
I can’t afford it, but I really need to think about myself and take the time off. This means my position will be held, so I have not quit, but I get 30 days to decide what to do and get a break from these assholes who’s current game plan is to ignore me completely, like I’m invisible. They don’t even respond to me if I talk or ask a question. Talk about feeling worthless.
I can’t deal with all this! First my dad, now that…it has to end! I’m only one person, I’m not strong enough for this! I’m breaking down here, breaking down more than I have before. I just can’t take it anymore, I want it all to end and I don’t care anymore. I’m done with it all. I just don’t even feel the need to live anymore and this is scary to think about. I don’t want this. I really need help.
I had a discussion with my man tonight about something that has been on my mind since yesterday. Yesterday my man mentioned that he does not want me around the station at all tomorrow when the Captain is given his notice for administrative leave. This Captain is mentally unstable, he hasn’t been paying his bills, is about to lose his house, and has no one to turn to. Losing his job will be the final straw. Yes, it is his own fault, you can read this post to get some understanding, but he won’t blame himself, naturally it’ll be everyone else’s fault. He will either start crying or want to kill someone, I’m thinking he’ll start going after people and so does my man. There is some serious concern here for both our lives.
My man has a horrible habit of leaving things unlocked, small town, and now I’m trying to get him to lock his doors because this guy is that unstable. We don’t know if he has access to anything and thanks to stupid politicians that swear gun owners are the problem, neither of us can protect ourselves when at his house. For the anti-gun people out there…guns aren’t the problem, neither are LEGAL gun owners…it’s the people that have them ILLEGALLY that cause problems! Those are the ones you should be concerned about and taking away my gun just means they are more likely to start problems because they know I can’t protect myself. Can’t take a knife to a gun show!
Anyway…there is a concern for both our safety right now and tomorrow there is going to be some discussion about what to do with that. Fortunately they have till tomorrow afternoon before he comes to work, so all morning plans will be made on how to handle this, what to do, how to get him out of town and ensure he doesn’t come back around. I guess tomorrow you will get an update on how everything goes.
Now onto a slightly lighter topic…I out shot my man again today with his own weapon! : ) First I out shot him with his own shotgun that he’s owned and hunted with for over 20 years…apparently I’m way better at hitting clay targets than he is. Tonight I out shot him again, this time with a handgun. I’m a damn good shot! If only he could shoot a bow…I’m sure I’d be able to out shoot him with that too. lol I’m quit good with my bow as well. I don’t spend as much time shooting as I used to, but I still have the hang of it.
If you haven’t noticed already, I’m a bit of a tomboy and my man says he loves it. I love camping, fishing, hunting, and anything outdoors. I have a handgun, shotguns, rifle, bow, dirtbike, wakeboard, and play all kinds of sports. I can skateboard, rollerblade, play hockey, soccer, football, soft/baseball, basketball, tennis…you name it, I do it. I can plan any instrument you hand to me. I started on the flute, went to piccolo, clarinet, bass clarinet, saxophone, tenor sax, trombone, trumpet, french horn, baritone, piano, then percussion. I played in concert band, jazz band, pep band, and winter drumline. Don’t laugh, band was more respected in my school than football was. I can work on cars and all small engines, I do all the work on mine and my brothers dirtbike. I have an xBox and enjoy that. But I also love relaxing and reading.
I’m pretty good at just about anything I do and a lot of things come very easy to me. My grandma tells me all the time how gifted I am, both in schooling and on the streets. My man tells me I have the book smarts, street smarts, and common sense…he said it’s very rare to find all that in a person, especially someone my age. : ) What can I say, I’m a talented little shit!