Where Have the Days Gone??

Life has been crazy! As usual, crazy busy! I had wonderful orientation and tons of fun, despite the problem child starting problems. I love my new job, it was so much fun! I love the people there and the bosses seem to like me. What little time I do have off has been spent caching…or sleeping. I’m really not sure how much I have slept, but I know it’s not much. I’ve been getting horrible migraines lately which are keeping me from sleeping. If you have migraines then you know that not sleeping makes the migraines worse. I haven’t done much of anything lately.

I have tried hiding some geocaches lately, which isn’t going so well. There are some trails around here that charge a fee to be used, which apparently means these fall in the “commercial geocache” rules. I have reviewed them MANY times and I have even found geocaches that required a fee to access, but somehow these weren’t “commercial geocaches” and mine is. I swear, nothing is easy. We have some rough caachers around here and some tough reviewers. So now I’ll have to wait and see what groundspeak says, but I really hope these get approved because I have a wonderful idea with them! Damn rules!!

I’m going to lay down some more. I hope all my bloggers out there are living a great life! Have fun and smile!

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There’s One At Every Job

Well today officially ruined every love for the new job! I just can’t escape bitches!! It’s wearing me down!

So I had several days of orientation at the new job and all was going great! Loved the people, they have been wonderful to us! Almost ALL of the equipment is stuff I have/do use and apparently that is the problem.

I found out today that an employee was complaining to several people and said I’m a “snobby, know it all”. Why did she say this?? Well she showed us the equipment on the trucks and kept asking, “Has anyone used this before?” Well…I have…on every single thing she showed us. Honestly, I have used it all…so that makes me a snobby, know it all. Was I suppose to lie?! I mean she asked…it’s not my fault I’ve been trained on it and use it already.

I found out she has been a problem in the past and my fellow new hire doesn’t care for her. There has been talk of “problem employees” and to stay away from them…well I know one of them now. I will never say a work to or in front of her again…ever.

It just pisses me off! Fucking woman!! EMS is the worse! They are so fucking territorial and get pissy and downright evil when other woman get hired on. Well now we all know who one of them is…

Hurting

I’m pissed beyond what words can describe! And so many thoughts are going through my head that I think straight! The best I can do is write, write everything on my mind. So I would like to apologize now, you will be hearing a lot from me, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to do. Writing gets this crap off my mind and it helps keep me alive…for now. I’m just hurting so bad! And I’m so damn angry! I honestly can’t tell you how much longer I can take this! This job, these people are killing me! Literally! If you never hear from me again…well…they were successful!

Another fucking fuck up by the Bitch has me so angry I cried, and screamed, and cried and my poor man had to listen to it all. I didn’t mean to and I feel bad for it, but he says he wants to help me despite what he said before. He said I have every right to sue them (something I never wanted to do) and if they don’t fix these problems then he will be pushing for me to do that. This is the last fuck up they have! The very last fucking one! I’m sick of this shit!

Recap time…first Jackass Captain laid his filthy hands on me! To be more specific…as I was walking past him he pulled me by the hips onto his lap, leaned me forward, slapped my ass, and told me that I’ve “been a bad girl”…real fucking nice! This was AFTER other incidents that I told him to stop. He used to tell me I’d make a nice “MILF” one day, and how he’d “love to fuck” me. Yea…I told him to stop, THEN he put his hands on me! I felt violated! Dirty. Nasty. But never told, I didn’t need that black mark on my record when I was just starting this career. But the Chief (the good one, the one that quit because of these assholes) found out, I told him after he kept asking, but I wouldn’t let him tell the Police Chief or the city…biggest mistake ever! But he found out, by was that fun.

Then, after all that, after the Police Chief finally found out about what the Jackass Captain did and got in trouble, the Asshole Lieutenant called me the “Chief’s little bitch”…yea, he had no idea I was sitting right there and could hear him. Once again, I never told. I did e-mail asking for a month off, I needed a break from these dickheads, but that was a mistake because that opened a fucking can of worms! So Asshole Lieuntenant got in trouble and this new Bitch of a “Chief” wasn’t the Chief at the time…but she changed her attitude towards me and made comments that he didn’t deserve the trouble and punishment he got. That I was just overreacting…I get accused of that a lot. I guess I should just keep my stupid mouth shut, huh?

Well now that this Bitch is the acting “Chief” I’m really fucked! And she is the most worthless, useless, underqualified “Chief” I have ever know! Fuck! I thought some Chief’s were bad…this Bitch is by far the worse!! So she changed our shift times, which fucked me over and I couldn’t put in availability at all for this month…there went just over half my income that I was counting on…stupid whore! Well I e-mailed her, TWICE, about not being able to work the shifts. Once almost two weeks ago now and once again today. Shortly after my second e-mail I get an e-mail to the whole staff with the schedules…yes, without me on there at all, whatever. Well, I called to ask if she was receiving my e-mails, because I have not gotten a single response. This is how that conservation went…

Me: This is “the employee you hate”, I was just wondering if you are getting my e-mails.

Bitch: Yes. (For the record, she started a bitch tone the moment she found out it was me.)

Me: I was wondering if there is a reason you’re not responding to them.

Bitch: I’m very busy, I don’t have time to respond to your e-mails.

Me: But you’re getting them? Because I never got anything back, from the first e-mail and again today. I just want to know if there is a reson I’m not getting a response.

Bitch: I don’t appreciate your tone.

Me: And I am just wondering if there is a reason why you’re not responding to my e-mails.

Bitch: Ok, STOP! You need to listen! I do not appreciate your tone! I am very busy and I don’t have the time to respond to your e-mails. You tone need to stop NOW! I have a lot to do and if I don’t have the time to respond to your e-mails, then you need to wait. Your tone is not needed and it can stop now, do you understand?

Me: Yes ma’am! (With a fucking attitude!!!!)

The Bitch continued on, but I didn’t listen, I didn’t need to, nothing she said or every says again is worth my time. I was beyond mad! I just sat there and cried! Cried for hours! Then my man called and I cried some more. I know he doesn’t want to hear this shit anymore, but he listened and said he’d help. I just cried some more and kept saying sorry, he said that as long as I’m stuck in this hell hole he’ll be here to help me. He’s got a meeting coming up too…with one of the city officials coming up, about something completely different. He’s not going to bring the hell hole up, but if the city official does…well it’s fair game! He’s going to make it clear that I have full rights to sue and if they don’t fix this shit, then he will be backing me 100% to do so! And given these officials respect him very much…well that should help things…I hope! Now I just have to see if the conversation actually happens…I’m praying the official brings up that hell hole or it won’t happen…

For now…sleep…it’s back to hell tomorrow…back to planning the end of me…

Day 20

I would like to thank rocksforbrains for giving me something to be thankful for. Thank you rocks! You have given me a distraction, showed me that someone does care, and are trying to help. I really appreciate it.

I’m having a really hard time right now, worse than it has been in a long time. Thank you for reminding me of things I forget too often. I’m trying hard to get better, I just have so many set backs. There’s no where to go that is “safe” for me.

Today was a major set back, I was stuck at “hell” job with nothing but problems at work. I was stuck with all the asshole and problem children so I sat by myself, hiding out the entire day. Well, almost the entire day…see no one there does jackshit, literally! Not even the full time staff. I spend all my time there doing ALL the chores BY MYSELF! This is how my day goes: clean bathrooms, take out trash, sweep, vacuum, mop, wipe down tables, straighten up, do dishes, clean all 3 ambulances inside and out, disinfect ambulances, and clean ambulance bay. I do all of these things completely alone, sometimes I even have to clean AROUND people because they won’t get up.

Do I have to do this stuff? No, not really, but I’m not going to be lazy, I believe in earning my paycheck…maybe it’s the years of abuse. So I do all this work completely alone, with zero help from the staff making the real money. I bust my ass for nothing. It gets me no where but called the “Chief’s little bitch” and talked bad about daily. I am completely alone and it’s killing me. I sat outside today, by myself in the cold, thinking of ways to end it all. I know rocks…not what you wanted, but I didn’t have any distractions.

At one point one of the detectives drove past and saw me sitting there. We share a common parking lot with police, so they are always around. I pray he didn’t see me, or if he did he didn’t think anything of it, because I really do not want to go another round with the Police Chief. No that he is a bad guy, I just don’t want to go through that. If anyone were to tell him what I’ve been thinking or what I’ve said, he’s probably drive me out himself to get evaluated. I don’t want that. I don’t want him thinking I’m crazy. Yes, I need the help, bad! But I seriously doubt telling will land me in a good place…I just hope no one brings him into this. He will force me to the help I need, that’s for sure, but I don’t know if I’d like him calling all the shots.

It just feels hopeless and lonely right now, but thank you rocks for helping me through this. I really do appreciate it more than you know.

PTSD?

Over the past several months I have been doing a lot of research and reading, and I mean LOTS! My man mentioned before that he thinks I might be bipolar because my moods change so frequently, however anyone that knows anything about bipolar knows it takes them longer to change from mood to mood. I have a few friends that are, I’ve read a lot on it too, and I don’t think its that at all. Besides, no history of that in the family and I’m never in a manic stage, just depressed or normal. So I started doing a lot of reading to figure out what it might be.

I have ADHD, been diagnosed twice with it. Once when I was younger but my parents said it’s a bullshit disease and they are not paying for medication for it. They said I need my ass beat more, that would fix it…nice, huh? As an adult I got rediagnosed, this time I am taking medication for it. I found some interesting information that confirms my ADHD has a lot to do with my moods. I don’t have the link anymore, but here’s the information I copied over that confirmed it is ADHD and not bipolar.

ADHD

ADHD is characterized by significantly higher levels of inattention, distractibility, impulsivity, and/or physical restlessness than would be expected in a person of similar age and development. For a diagnosis of ADHD, such symptoms must be consistently present and impairing. ADHD is about 10 times more common than BMD in the general population.

Bipolar Mood Disorder (BMD)

By diagnostic definition, mood disorders are “disorders of the level or intensity of mood in which the mood has taken on a life of its own, separate from the events of a person’s life and outside of [his] conscious will and control.” In people with BMD, intense feelings of happiness or sadness, high energy (called “mania”), or low energy (called “depression”) shift for no apparent reason over a period of days to weeks, and may persist for weeks or months. Commonly, there are periods of months to years during which the individual experiences no impairment.

Making a diagnosis

Because of the many shared characteristics, there is a substantial risk of either a misdiagnosis or a missed diagnosis. Nonetheless, ADHD and BMD can be distinguished from each other on the basis of these six factors:

1. Age of onset: ADHD is a lifelong condition, with symptoms apparent (although not necessarily impairing) by age seven. While we now recognize that children can develop BMD, this is still considered rare. The majority of people who develop BMD have their first episode of affective illness after age 18, with a mean age of 26 years at diagnosis. (I was diagnosed at a very young age, around like 7 or 8 and still have it.)

2. Consistency of impairment: ADHD is chronic and always present. BMD comes in episodes that alternate with more or less normal mood levels. (I’m always aggitated, hyperactive, and just plain restless.)

3. Mood triggers: People with ADHD are passionate, and have strong emotional reactions to events, or triggers, in their lives. Happy events result in intensely happy, excited moods. Unhappy events — especially the experience of being rejected, criticized, or teased — elicit intensely sad feelings. With BMD, mood shifts come and go without any connection to life events. (Yes, this very much describes me. I have strong emotional reactions to events, even when I can’t explain it. As for unhappy events…yep…that is what I deal with, intensely sad feelings, more intense than I can explain.)

4. Rapidity of mood shift: Because ADHD mood shifts are almost always triggered by life events, the shifts feel instantaneous. They are normal moods in every way, except in their intensity. They’re often called “crashes” or “snaps,” because of the sudden onset. By contrast, the untriggered mood shifts of BMD take hours or days to move from one state to another. (Mine can shift so quickly, and I can’t even explain it. Happens in seconds sometimes.)

5. Duration of moods: Although responses to severe losses and rejections may last weeks, ADHD mood shifts are usually measured in hours. The mood shifts of BMD, by DSM-IV definition, must be sustained for at least two weeks. For instance, to present “rapid-cycling” bipolar disorder, a person needs to experience only four shifts of mood, from high to low or low to high, in a 12-month period. Many people with ADHD experience that many mood shifts in a single day. (Same as before, my moods shift so often.)

6. Family history: Both disorders run in families, but individuals with ADHD almost always have a family tree with multiple cases of ADHD. Those with BMD are likely to have fewer genetic connections. (I have an extensive family history of ADHD, but no bipolar in the family at all.)

With all that being said, I have confirmed it’s not bipolar, on many levels and from much more reading. But what is it? After reading webpage after webpage, and books upon books, there is a good possibility that it is simply my ADHD, however there is a good possibility that PTSD is also causing problems. I found some of this information on ADHD and PTSD.

  • Often the symptoms begin as feeling a bit dazed and numb–things seem a bit hazy or unclear–that can continue for several days or weeks. Disassociation is a common response to trauma, not unlike the times one’s mind just disappears with ADHD. (I know all about this one, but is it my ADHD causing it? Or something more?)
  • The confusion and dreaminess is usually followed by or accompanied with anxiety, often the generalized (free-floating) anxiety that feels like edginess, being easily startled and jumpy for no apparent reason. (Yes, completely. I have had some horrible anxiety lately with no real explanation for it.)
  • People usually have problems sleeping or relaxing. Hyper-vigilance, that constant sense of urgency, being on guard or ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’, ramps up the anxiety to the point of paranoia at times. This can lead to sleep deprivation, which amplifies the hyper-vigilance and many other problems. (Sleep problems? Check. Relaxing problems? Check. I’m always waiting and feel a sense of urgency even when I have nothing coming up.)
  • Isolation is pretty common for people who are hyper-vigilant or paranoid. In the extreme, people become afraid to go about their daily lives; in less extreme cases, they may avoid certain areas or trigger points and try to continue with their daily routine. If left untreated, this can lead to problems at work or school, in relationships or other facets of daily living. (I think I have hit that “untreated” point now because it is really starting to cause problems.)
  • Symptoms of depression may also follow: Frequent crying, feeling ‘flat’ (aka blah) or sad, lack of energy, loss of interest in things you usually enjoy, irritability or agitation, problems with concentration, changes in eating and sleep patterns, for some, thoughts of suicide or death and feeling guilty or worthless. (Crying for no apparent reason? Yes. Just plain sad, complete lost of interest…all of the above.)

So…my ADHD might be the main problem, but there is a good possibility that PTSD is causing problems too. It’s one of those disorders people don’t really understand. I think this quote might help people understand what a “stressful situation” is…because it’s always different, based on the person.

People react differently to events. Some people are traumatized by seemingly benign events that other people experience and shake off easily. Others survive horrific events that seem traumatic without long-lasting psychological damage.

So looking at this bit of information helps explain some things too. See…it’s not the big events that have caused me to get to this point, it’s the “stupid pointless crap” that has gotten me here. Understand? I have ran many stressful calls, many, but they never seem to effect me. I have this ability to disassociate myself from that, I can disconnect from it. I am able to separate it and not think about it, it doesn’t bother me. It’s the things from every day life that get to me. The things from every day life are what bother me the most. Starting from early life with my parents, starting with my first beating. Here’s a little bit more reading for you, just giving more information about my ADHD and what could have caused it more.

In a study that compared girls with ADHD to girls not suffering from it, higher rates of abuse were found in the ADHD population. Of the girls with ADHD, 14.3 percent had been abused. Of the girls without ADHD, 4.5 percent had been abused.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) show a high degree of comorbidity in traumatized children. Two hypotheses may help explain this relationship: children with ADHD are at higher risk for trauma due to their impulsivity, dangerous behaviors, and parents who may have a genetic predisposition for impairment of their own impulse control; and hyperarousal induced by severe trauma and manifested by hypervigilance and poor concentration may impair attention to create an ADHD-like syndrome.

As you see, there is a lot of overlap in symptoms and a reported high incidence of abuse in kids with ADD/ADHD. PTSD can exacerbate your ADHD symptoms – and create anxiety with new symptomsEACH TIME THE EVENT IS TRIGGERED IN YOUR PRESENT LIFE.

After much reading from several different places, there is a good possibility that my problem is PTSD. After I started thinking about it, I realized that there are “triggers” I have, things that cause great stress and make things worse for me. However, not everything is completely explainable, sometimes I have rapid mood changes without full explanation. Maybe those are triggers I don’t have figured out yet? I don’t know.

What do you think? Do you know anyone with PTSD that is having problems too? Especially on with ADHD? Because I would like to find other people to talk to that have this.

Life and It’s Complications

I’m here. For the moment anyway. I’ve been thinking for days, things racing through my mind faster than I can process, and I need to get it out. I’ve been avoiding my blog, partly because I don’t want to rant, but also because I can’t organize everything enough to get the words out and have them make sense. I’m so lost, confused, and alone right now.

I know I could turn to my man, but I won’t, not right now. That’s complicated. See, he says he strives to be my “totally awesome man” which he is great at! But there’s one complicated piece of that. He has a hard time listening, like truly listening, but this wasn’t always the case. A little background information…

When I first started talking to my man he figured me out fairly fast, faster than most. I have a hard time with communication, years of abuse ruined that life skill for me. I keep my mouth shut, take everything people say, until one days I can’t take it anymore and snap. Usually at the wrong place, wrong time, and wrong person. Talking is hard for me. So much runs through my mind, I don’t know what I’m suppose to say and what I’m not. I also have a hard time organizing things and getting it out. Most the time when I “talk” it’s just me answering questions asked, that I am good at, talking for myself I am not.

My man learned very quickly how to draw me out, what questions to ask, how to ask them, and waited patiently for me to respond. Sometimes it would take hours or even days to get a response, a proper one, but he learned to wait. He got me to a point where I could talk, without being questioned, and say what was on my mind. I could start to organize my thoughts, I was speaking my mind, and I was getting better at this communication thing…sort of. I had a long way to go but I was making progress.

Then one day, that all stopped. I can’t tell you the exact day, because I don’t know, but it feels that sudden. It’s like over night everything changed. When he became my man, he stopped listening as much. He didn’t want to hear my problems anymore. He stopped listening, he said I need to change things or quit complaining all the time. It was just…different. I understand, if I’m not going to change it then I shouldn’t be complaining, but sometimes I just need to say things, get it off my chest and things feel better, but it almost feels like he doesn’t care about that anymore.

He’s still my awesome man, takes care of me when I need it, helps me, is there for me…but I just feel he doesn’t care to listen to me anymore. And right now I could really use someone to talk to right now. I’m fighting myself just to stay alive. You know that whole “snowball” thing? Where all these small things build on top of each other and create one giant problem? My snowball started years ago and it’s still growing to this day. It never stops. I have no escape. My house has never been a home, it never will be. I don’t have that “safe place” to go when things it tough, I don’t have a place to escape the world, I have nothing.

I got into the first disagreement with my man in a long time, which finally prompted everything out of me. This was our conservation:

My man: I’m just not gonna try to beat out of you what’s wrong…like I don’t know already…and to be honest it’s getting very old honey. Can’t take a lot more of it.

Me: What’s getting old? Me? My problems? I’m doing what you want and I’m still fucking up. I will never be good enough. I’ve been on the damn edge for months and no one cares. Not one single person. Everyone just keeps pushing, even you. It never stops. I don’t have any escape anywhere. Do you even care that I have been crying myself to sleep? That I’m not sleeping? That I spend my nights awake thinking about things I shouldn’t? Would you even care if I was gone? Would you truly care? Because right now I’m seriously doubting it. You haven’t been the person you promised to be lately. I’ve needed to talk for weeks but I can’t come to you for it and I have no one. I’m trying to do exactly as you requested and it’s still not enough. You keep telling me that I need to “get over it” and “move on” and that is stuff is “getting old”…do you know what that does to someone already hurting and breaking down on the inside? Do you know what it’s like to be kicked while you’re down? I know you do, so why are you doing that to me? If you really did care, you would not be doing this to me right now! You say you “can’t take a lot more of it”…well, allow me to spare you it anymore.

My man: I have asked you for two days to talk to me and you won’t! So that accusation is false! Your problems is (name of hell job) and I CAN’T help you with those anymore and I’m NOT sorry about that! I am very HAPPY I quit and if you can’t handle that…then its over. Nothing else I can say! If you have some OTHER problem…I am all ears…call my phone! I absolutely RESENT you for making me feel guilty for not “protecting” you there! Get over it and be tough or quit! Your choice!

Me: I’m over it! And you! And this whole life! And that’s not a threat! That’s a promise! Depending on you was my biggest mistake ever!

My man: Tell me what in this life would make you happy, because I can’t figure it out!

Me: Being dead! That will make me AND EVERYONE happy! Good bye!

That’s when I shut my phone off. I haven’t looked at it since. I shouldn’t have sent the things I did, it was wrong and unfair of me. I’ve just been hurting so bad and he doesn’t want to listen anymore. It’s like he has seriously changed in the last couple weeks. Just randomly decided he doesn’t care about my problems anymore and doesn’t want to hear them.

I just can’t go on anymore. I can’t do it. I’m done. I’m “over it” and over this life.