Bitch Strikes Again

I’m pissed! How’s that for a start?!

I’m suppose to take my first test tomorrow for this nightmare class and once again my fucking mother has to fuck my life up!! I’m sick of this shit!! She fucking knows I have a test! She has been going on lately about how I need to pay rent, which I’m not paying right now. Let’s discuss why this pisses me off.

NĂºmero Uno – The bitch goes out drinking EVERY night! Yes! Every fucking night! Then bitches about how she “has no money” and I should be paying her rent money. I don’t fucking think so! I’m not supporting your drunk ass fucking habit! Don’t have any money? Quit fucking drinking!!! Duh!

Number Two – Her fucking comment tonight of, “it’s the least you can do since you don’t do anything else around her” is getting her no where! I don’t do anything else?!?! I work 5 fucking jobs AND go to school! Are you fucking serious?! I’m NEVER here! And when I am I’m stuck cleaning up after her and her drunk ass friends!! I get no sleep before work because they are up yelling and partying! I clean up after myself AND her! But I “don’t do anything”…bitch needs to learn some appreciation!!

Number Three – She’s a dirty, sneaky, lying ass bitch! Right after the divorce she was seeing someone, I don’t give a fuck if she saw him before. What pisses me the fuck off is I overheard the conversation then she told everyone to shut up right to my face so I wouldn’t know! Fucking hoe! You told the WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY about the divorce 6 MONTHS before you told your own children! Now it’s top fucking secret too that you are dating?!?

Number Four – Even if I wanted to pay rent, I can’t! I wasn’t expecting Chief Bitch to give me zero hours yet again! I can’t afford gas, food, or the shit I need for school. Your fucking rent check can wait!

Number Five – You don’t even know my fucking age you fucking drunk! Thanks for making me 2 years older than I am…I appreciate that. But if you’re excuse to make me pay rent is my age…well the least you can fucking do is get my age right! You don’t even know me! You don’t know a fucking thing about me!

I’d rather live on the streets than pay your bitch ass self a fucking dime! So fuck you! You’re getting ZERO money from me! And go ahead, try to take it out of my savings account, it won’t get you far! You see bitch, after I realize you stole $7,000 or more from me during my childhood, all that birthday money and paychecks never made it there, I emptied what was left and opened my own account! So fuck you!

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Year One

I’m taking a break from studying and blogging tonight because according to WordPress I started my blog one year ago today. So what has changed in this year..well nothing really. Still love my man! Still hate hell job. And oddly enough I’m still in school! But I’m blogging today for more than just the fact that you guys have been stuck reading this crap for a year now. I’m pissed off! Sorry! I’ll warn you now…just skip this one, your life will be better.

I might as well start with class. Critical Care is kicking my ass! Holy shit!! And I’m only in the beginning! My man says I’m way more intelligent than I give myself credit for and that I’ll do just fine but I’m still scared! I don’t want to fail this! He spent several hours out of his busy schedule to quiz me and I did great! So far…now I just need to study more. But for now a break and my blog!

I had a talk recently with my man about his jobs. He changed his part time job recently, said it would be better for us because he’ll have more time off. Well, he has NOT had more time off and I see him about 25% of what I did before. I sent him a very long e-mail about it, basically telling him how I feel. I sent the e-mail because given my past, I’m poor at communication, and because I never see him to tell him. He took it really well and has been trying to do better so he took some time off to sit with me and study tonight. He also promised to meet me for a couple hours before my test on Friday. God I pray I pass this shit! I will also be turning in my application and resume package to the other job in hopes that something happens with that.

Now the reason I’m so pissed off. Chief Bitch and hell job! First, once again the bitch has NOT responded to my e-mails! She was given information LAST week that she NEVER bothered to pass on to me! Then I show up to work today…it’s 61 degrees INSIDE!!! Yea, it’s a whole 12 degrees outside!! WTF!?!? The furnace went out LAST FUCKING WEEK!!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?! She’s fucking USELESS!!! She’s going on about how she has to get bids and shit…you don’t have to get fucking BIDS! This is a fucking EMERGENCY SITUATION!!! You don’t have to fucking wait for bids!!! I fucking froze my ass off!!!!! I’m livid! Which is why I left the station to meet my man and warm up! And not like that, just meet and study.

I meet with one of the Assistant Chiefs of Police about working with the officers and seeing how many are interested in the suicide training. He said I did an excellent job of presenting all the information to him and he’s sold! Awesome! Now he just needs to present it to his guys and see how they like the idea and I need to present it to Chief Bitch…FUCK! She’s going to be a livid fucking bitch about it…just great! The training officer is out right now, he was the one I working with on it. Ugh! I’m just going to wait and see for a while if he is coming back soon so I can avoid the bitch! She just makes life such a living fucking hell for me! And it’s all stupid fucking shit!

Now, on the to next bullshit that pissed me off with today in hell job. I’ve been working as a medic longer and have been licensed longer than this other idiot that was working today but he thinks he knows everything. He’s a Paragod! He will only get up to do something if he knows someone is watching, otherwise he sits on his ass. He’s a piss pour medic. He’s an arrogant fucking asshole! Well my truck gets sent on a call and he decides to self dispatch himself…I told him to disregard, he went anyway. I get on scene and tell him he’s not needed. He STILL continues to respond!! Then comes in the house “just to see if everything is ok”! Are you fucking shitting me?!?! If I fucking needed you, I would tell you to come! Leave me the fuck alone! I’m not fucking stupid! I can handle my fucking patients! I just wanted to walk out and say, “here, since you’re here handle this one!” It just pisses me the fuck off! You became a medic AFTER me and you think you are going to help ME?! Now I’m not saying I know everything, because I don’t, but I’ve been his ass first hand on a calls…not pretty!

Anyway, that is life right now. Or at least life today. I’m going crazy. This job makes me want to visit the local bridge with all the other jumpers! But for now all I can do is say FUCK YOU! And continue to put my focus on studying. I couldn’t really afford this class and didn’t have time to apply for scholarships, so I better get my ass in gear and pass this crap the first time!

Good Evening!

I have been exceptionally quiet lately…sorry. I also want to apologize now, this post might be all over, like my thoughts tonight. I’m all over and I’ve maxed out on my medication so I’m going to attempt to blog some instead of running around the house like a mad person trying to do the billion things on my list! Let’s start with the beginning, shall we.

Critical care paramedic class…just shoot me now. The first day of class they told us how horrible the class is, how tough the tests are, how we can kiss our life good bye, how we’ll want to shoot ourselves (great, add that to the list), and how it’s basically a TWO YEAR Critical Care RN class put into 12 weeks of ONE DAY a week, 9-5 class…just wonderful. So, shoot me now?? Any takers? Just kidding…for now. So if I’m quiet, you know why. In fact, I will probably be very quiet, or I should be very quiet if I want to pass this crap. But for now, a break from studying and my blog to help.

While sitting though day one of this class I started thinking about EMT class. I used to think it was going to be so tough. I thought I’d never know that crap, I was scared and had no idea how I’d make it. Well, I made it and pretty close to top of my class. I ended EMT class with a 98%. It all seemed to come so natural to me, like many things. Then I started Paramedic, scared to hell. I was extremely scared. Somehow I managed to get through that too with an A as well. I don’t remember the exact grade, but I was second in my class with an A. Not too bad. I feel like I know nothing but I managed to make it through

Now I have started Critical Care class, what are my thoughts? My first…what the hell did I get myself into?!?! My second…I’ll never make it through this. And my third…I can do this. Maybe not well, but I can do this. My man promised to help me through this too. I hope this all goes good too, so if you don’t hear from me…I’m either studying, releasing anger in Call of Duty, or geocaching. If you hear from me, then I’m avoiding all of the above.

I spent the last two days geocaching and some nightmare caches. Day one, it was a difficulty of 5 and a terrain of 4.5. Holy shit! It kicked my ass! Went though this post apocalyptic area that was just…weird. But I’m so glad I got that one out of the way and I talked a geocacher I recently met into going. We had fun. Then day two I got talked into a nightmare cache around here that has only been found 30 times in the 3 years it’s been out. Not only is it a difficulty of 5 with a terrain of 5 (more like 20!!!), but it’s a multi stage and when you get to each stage there is a nightmare puzzle to solve too! I skipped the first 6 stages because I was working, but I helped them solve the puzzles each time. I finally joined for stage 7 and that took over 2 hours to hike to, then we couldn’t figure the puzzle out so we headed back to the cars. Soon we will be going back to finish steps 8-11 and hopefully have that damn thing in our hands! I will be glad to have that one done too.

Oh, did I mention that both days I hiked with my full pack (16lbs) just in case, given the terrain, and the one day I had to carry my mom’s dog because she refused to walk. That was an additional 8lbs to carry. Ugh. Wish I could take just my pup caching because he loves it, but mom won’t allow that. So what’s in my pack to make it weigh that much? Well, a few things everyone should carry and more stuff geared for caching. A small survival kit (needle, string, wire, mirror, whistle, fire starter, cotton balls, etc), a multi tool, lighter, knife, flashlight, water, emergency food (taffy, crackers), 75 feet and 25 feet of webbing, 3 life safety carabiners, paracord sections in random lengths, medical kit (gauze rolls, gauze pads, large trauma pads, bandaids, neosporin, burn gel, emergency blanket, tap, coban, gloves, etc), SPOT device (highly recommended if you are going without cell service), geocaching items (containers, trade items, etc), waterproof box with medicine, and of course my guns, both of them to be exact plus some ammo. I have more stuff, but that’s the basic of it all. I keep it well packed.

Now, for a completely unrelated story, I have to talk about a patient I had, another one that changed my life. This patient is 102 years old. Yes, you read that right and I wrote it right. One HUNDRED and two YEARS old. And he was amazing. Lived alone, took care of himself, fought in the war, watched the flag get put up at Iwo Jima, had no water or electricity in his house until he was in his late 40’s, and had stories of growing up that I wish I could have heard more of. This was one incredible man. When I was leaving I told him to have a great holiday and happy early birthday, to which he responded, “You too, but I think this is going to be my last.” I didn’t know what to say, I was shocked, and he knew it because he had a great response. “I saw on tv an man was 111 and voted, I don’t think I’ll make it that long. And besides, I’ve lived a good life and after you hit 100 there isn’t much further to go from there. I’ve lived my life time, now I’m ready to join my wife.” He was just amazing. He said he wished him and his wife could have had kids, but they couldn’t afford it. He said that is his only regret in life, but his wife did have 1 kid when they married, so he said he didn’t completely miss out on that. I need to check up on him, he was amazing.

Spending time with this man had me thinking about my childhood and what I miss from that time. I miss play Nintendo, the original. My sister broke it about 6 years ago, but ours still worked until then. My brother then sold off all the games, I still hate him for that. I slept with all my stuffed animals because I didn’t want one to be left out. I had that pen with all four colors in it and I always tired to push them all at one time. I used to watch rain drops fall down the window and act like they were racing. I used the soda cap as my shot glass. The computer was strictly used for paint and boy was that fun. I miss my Tamagotchi. When we swallowed a fruit seed we were convinced that a plant was going to grow in our stomach. The street lights meant it was time to go home. We could, and did, play outside for hours, it was acceptable and allowed without worry. I miss those days, the simple times. I want that for my kids, I want them to be able to have the childhood (minus my parents abuse) in the world I did. I don’t want technology to run their life.IMG_1962

I wish I could go back to my childhood and not have to work. Hell job is still a fucking nightmare! I’ll know with this next schedule if that bitch is screwing me over on purpose. I pray she doesn’t because then I’d have to go to the higher Chief, the real one, the good one, but the scary one. I just can’t freaking wait to get away from this bitch, or get her away from me. I just don’t want to deal with this anymore! She makes me want to jump off a cliff! I can’t stand even thinking about her! But…there may be hope. It just so happens that one person in my critical care class hires on a department around me. She offered to bring me an application, asked about my hours available, and all that stuff. I sure hope this is good news for me! It’s quit a drive, a little bit further than the job I like, but I’ll take anything right now. I need the fuck away from that bitch.

I don’t need help because of calls I’ve ran, that’s not killing me. What’s killing me are the people inside, the one’s I’m suppose to be able to work with and talk to about the calls we ran together. The one’s that are suppose to be helping me are the one’s that are killing me. They have caused me hours of planning my death, they have ruined so many good days, they are just ruining me. I work hard, I bust my ass every day, and for what? To be called names, talked about, ignored, and treated like the dirt they walk in. I’ve had some tough calls, but it hasn’t gotten to me like this assholes. I’ve done more research, on ADHD, PTSD, and abuse. The abuse makes all this worse, but these people from work have become the new abuser. I’ve escaped most of the problems with my parents, but now I have a new problem. I’m stuck fighting this battle alone too because no one is here to help me…again. I just want to be able to get away from this all! I promise not to use plan one, now to find another. For now…class, my focus will stay there.

But now it’s time for me to finish studying because tomorrow is death by text book. Another day of class, I’m ready to get past all this legal crap and start learning. This is why I didn’t become a lawyer like I had originally planned…I’m just not into the legal crap.

Good night my readers. I hope all is well. Know I am reading your stuff, I just may not be able to respond, but I am reading.

Cold and Alone

It’s cold here. Snow in the forecast. I used to love the snow! Now I love so little.

I was sitting in this hell hole, studying, avoiding people, and thinking. I thought about why I can’t do it, why I can’t end it all. My conclusion? I care. I care too damn much!! That and I made a promise.

Why do I care so much? Why do I let assholes effect me? Is this something I am going to have to deal with forever? Is it from the abuse? Or am I just that weak of a person? Why can’t I just say “fuck you” and walk away??

I’m hurting still. And hate doing this to my man. He says he just wants me happy, I just want to be happy, people keep robbing that. I just want to laugh like I always do. I just want the sunshine people. Why must people work so hard to keep taking that?!? And it’s always the same assholes! Every fucking time!! And when they have run out of reasons or things to do…they get someone else involved.

I hope they all fucking suffer in their stupid miserable lives!! My life is tough enough! They can stop fucking with what I have left already!

Talking to a Stump

So “hell” job has been getting more hellish by each day! This new Chief is totally fucking USELESS!! We have been operating without her basically because she has VERY little medical experience and doesn’t even have a paramedic license to tell us what to do medically…how can they call her a “Chief”?! Legally…they can’t. They just have her the title to shut her the fuck up! What a waste! Thank God the Police Chief is still our highest Chief or we’d really be fucked!! She’s writing up people for stupid shit, the good people, but doing NOTHING about these problem children. Ugh.

So that jackass Captain is gone, but the problems stay. One of the employees that witnessed what jackass did to me has taken his side and said I started it! Wtf?!? I hate myself daily for what that fucker did and now everyone is saying it’s my fault?!? That asshole told me I’d make a nice MILF one day and other stupid comments and then put HIS hands on ME! I never fucking asked for it! I told him to stop numerous times and the fucker didn’t! I’m just livid with the whole damn thing! I could beat them all with a damn bat and not care!

Sorry…just anger to the extreme when it comes to this whole damn situation! So this idiot that witnessed it…well he has turned into a real problem lately. He has been flat out ignoring me around the station, so much so that he will make a point to take to every single person around me, and then ignore anything I say, even if it is directly to him. There’s only so many times you can talk to a stump before people think you’re crazy so I gave up and played his game. The problem here though, is he has started to ignore me on emergency calls. This is a BIG problem! For the patient mainly! And it has caused some very bad situations so I decided to take it to this new Chief Useless…what a waste! So this is the e-mail I sent her:

Useless, (I refuse to call her Chief)

I would like to have a few minutes of your time to discuss a matter between “Stump” and myself. This has been a consistent problem for a few months now and only seems to be increasing in severity. I have not yet confronted “Stump” about this matter seeing as he will not communicate with me, but also because I would like management present during the conversation.

“Stump” has been ignoring me completely while around the station. So much so that if I talk to him or ask a question, he will not respond in any way. This has become a problem because he has started to do this on emergency calls as well. When we are out on emergency calls, he will continue to ignore me and not acknowledge any questions asked. One particular incident happened on “a particular day” when we responded to an emergency call at the “location with a LOT of by-standards and family” which has since led to more incidents.

On “this day” I ran two calls with “Stump”, both of which he would not say a word to me while working with the patient. Once the patient was loaded into the ambulance, he told me that he was ready to go, implying that I should just drive the truck. Both times I got into the rear of the truck to try to assist him, but he would tell me he was ready to go again. I thought he was just wanting to get the call done with so we could return to quarters, however after returning to the station I found out this was not the case.

After returning to the station, I was sitting in the report room finishing my paperwork. “Stump” and “ex Lieutenant” (he sure is making a great image for himself…) were in the day room discussing the call we had just ran. I heard “Stump” tell ex Lieutenant that he won’t let me do anything, just told me to drive the truck and laughed about it. Ex Lieutenant and “Stump” both laughed about this and “Stump” said he did this on both our calls today.

I do not appreciate what was said, nor the fact that they were laughing about it. More importantly, I think it is completely unprofessional to ignore your partner while operating on an emergency call where the patient and bystanders clearly witness this lack of teamwork! If “Stump” does not want to acknowledge me around the station, that is his choice, but this behavior is unacceptable while working with the public.

This problem has gotten worse since the incident with the note left in unit “XXXX”. I had no intention of someone getting into trouble over that incident. I merely wondered why the note was left and the stock was much higher than the amount recent policy directed should be there.

I would like this matter resolved, but will not meet with “Stump” without management present. I would like to discuss a way to resolve this before “Stump” is contacted. I fear more repercussion from him. I expect this to remain confidential except for those above you in the chain of command before this issue is resolved.

Thank you,
The Abused Employee

Maybe that is what I should change this blog name too…”The Abused Employee”…hmm…

Well, I sent her that e-mail, walking into the office, asked that she ready it, and waited. I told her it needs to be fixed and I should not lose pay YET AGAIN because of another fucking co-worker! So what does she do? What is her plan of action? She forwarded it to the Police Chief and said she is going to request he handles this. Just fucking great!! Now I’m really pissed because I do not want him involved! He’s a great guy, sure, caring and all, but he’s the POLICE CHIEF! He’s fucking intimidating!! And his eyes…they can see right through you! Not to mention he is BUSY! Running two department! I mean geez…now the bitch really showed how useless she is!!! Fuck!

So at the Police Station there is an interview room that we all joke about. You know you’re in trouble when you get called there. Either you are getting fired or you were involved in someone else getting fired. We call it the “Purple Room” (color has been changed to protect me). When someone messed up we joke that they are going to get called to the purple room…it’s kind of like being threatened to go to the principals office when younger, expect this “principal” can arrest and fire you. So, to this day I am the ONLY employee to avoid this purple room! Yes, I avoided it when the jackass Captain and ex lieutenant pulled their shit, and I have my man to thank for that. He knows the Police Chief, fairly well and explained to him that if he takes me in there I will shut down, my up bringing caused that. Apparently the Police Chief was concerned for my sake, my man said he had never seen that look in Cheif’s eyes and was truly sorry for me, so he arranged our interview to be else where. This time…well I’m not sure I’ll be able to avoid that room.

Now I know how truly useless this new Chief is and I’m done taking problems I her!! Either I handle it myself or I get over it like I’m suppose to! Talk about being alone, with no one in my corner, in fucking hell! Anyone want to hire me for slave labor? I swear I’m a harder worker!!

Turkey Day

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American readers out there. Are you enjoying your Turkey Day? I sure hope you are! I hope it’s filled with family and friends and laughter.

I’m stuck at work today, “hell” job of all places. And of course I’m stuck with ex-lieutenant too…great. So the little weasel (more on him later) is working with me too. The weasel came in this morning asking if I got a text from Mr. Ex-Lieutenant about dinner. Of course I didn’t, no one ever includes me. Apparently Mr. Ex-Lieutenant’s wife is cooking dinner for the crew and bringing the family down. Wonderful. And guess who’s not included on dinner? Yours truly. I don’t blame them though, if I were his wife, I wouldn’t cook for me either after what I did to him. I think I’m going to avoid being there, I don’t want to see her. I know she blames me, everyone does. Who wouldn’t?

So that’s my day. I’m tired, not doing too good, and have no family to go home to for things to get better…I’m a loser. I usually work holidays to avoid the problems, but that’s not helping because work is full of problems.

Day 21

I will start this by apologizing now. I was on a 911 call and forgot to take my second dose of adderall today…I’m a mess. My thoughts are all over! My body is too. I can’t sit still and I’m sure this will take several attempts to finish. I’m sorry. Good luck reading it! : )

Life has been crazy, just all around. Where to begin…guess I should go back in time and work my way forward. Let’s start with the beginning of November, that’s when everything went crazy.

So that ex-Captain, the one that put his hands on me…yea, he got fired. Dumbass. He claims everyone was “out to get him” and “they were just looking for any reason to fire him” which might be true, but when you fuck up, you make it easy for them. The Police Chief is our ultimate boss, he’s the guy you pray you never have to see because if you do, you’re probably in big trouble. Well, since we have a Police Chief in charge, he’s not going to take too kindly for you committing a crime when you’re on the clock. And that’s just what this stupid ass did so he made it extremely easy for them to fire him and the bastard deserves it! I can’t get what he did to me out of my head, I hate the asshole so much and I hope he’s suffering!

Next event…several of the employees at “hell” job hate me…the reasons are any where from doing the work required, to just because. Anyway, one guy that witnessed what this ex-Captain did to me, he hates me for “tattling” on this ex-Captain and someone is taking his side saying I started it…go figure. This guy has taken the “I’m ignoring you 100%” attitude. So much so, that he won’t even acknowledge me on calls…this really messes with patient care. When we get to a call, he won’t let me do anything, and once the patient is in the ambulance he says he’s ready to go and makes me drive.

One particular day we ran 3 calls like this, then I came back to himself and Mr. Ex-Lieutenant laughing about the fact that he won’t let me do anything but drive. Uh…did Mr. Ex-Lieutenant forget that quickly how good my hearing is? And how much trouble he is already in?? WTF?! This hell hole just makes me want to jump off a damn bridge! A few assholes have to ruin everything for me!

Next order of business…life, in general. Between work, stress at home, my grandma, and other stupid shit, I just can’t take it anymore. I’m struggling to keep my head above water, so to speak. It’s just been tough there. I bust my ass, and for what? Nothing but my paycheck, but I do it because I believe in EARNING my paycheck! So I, the lowest paid employee, work my ass off while the highest paid do nothing. I also believe that as a tax paying citizen, you bought my equipment and pay my salary, I refuse to let that equipment look shitty and I won’t let you pay for me to do nothing but sleep 24/7. Hey, safety naps are allowed, but I won’t spend ALL my time sleeping. Since I don’t pay taxes in that town, it’s my duty to keep your stuff in good working and clean order.

Confession time…when I am sitting around at work on down time, with either no more work to do or the weather too bad to do what needs to get done, I’ve been hiding out where ever I can find and planning ways to end it all. And you know what, there are plenty of painless ways at my disposal. I know of ways to get rid of other people too that are damn near impossible to detect. That’s what happens when you have free time, internet, and enough reading capability to figure stuff out. I have ways to make it look like an accident, ways to let people know it was planned and with a reason…there are endless ways out there.

But, I promise to do a 10 day challenge, and I will never break a promise. I do not plan to do any of the things I’ve thought of, but they are always there, in the back of my mind. I will keep my promise and put my focus on something else. Like maybe this becoming a doctor thing…man if I could afford it I’d be signing up right now…I think. My man supports it, but money is always a problem. I can’t afford it in so many ways.

I have a new distraction, something to keep my mind busy when I’m stuck at home and that distraction would be Call of Duty: Black Ops II. I’m so glad my man got me an Xbox for Christmas last year. I get stuck at home, need a distraction, and rarely is he allowed over, so the Xbox was his idea to keep my mind busy and spend less downtime when stuck here. It’s working great right now. I get to kill people, lost some anger and aggression while doing so, and I’m not sitting around thinking about things. I’m going to play for a bit before bed time. Another full day of work tomorrow.

Happy Turkey Day all! I am so thankful for each one of you following my blog, especially those that have reached out to me and are keeping me going right now. Thank you!