Expectations

Expectations. Everyone has them, some expect more than others. Right now I expect the weather people to get it right, just once, and yet again they failed.

I was stuck in hell job today, oh goodie. I am losing a huge battle, the battle if lazy. And I’m talking the “beyond fucking lazy fuckers”! You know what I’m talking about, the recliner, get me this, lazy. I’ve been of for a while, came in to find a fucking mess! The trucks are dirty and falling apart! Dried blood all over, scratches all over the pain, floors are a mess, looks like it hasn’t been washed in a fucking month! I was pissed. I spent 4 hours cleaning it all!! Inside and out! On just ONE truck!

I fight this battle all the time. An ambulance is a business. In order for businesses to make money you must have good customer service, right? Does grandma care that you got an 16G IV in her tiny arm? Or does she care that your truck was clean and you were nice? The patient AND the ambulance pay your salary…take care of both!

My medic today expects a LOT more than I do! He expects you to know exactly where you are going, what to do, how to park, how to freaking breath!! He expects you to be perfect. I’m the furthest thing from perfect there is! But I will continue to try to be better like he wants. But for now…some sleep…

Too Much

How much is too much? How do you know you can keep pushing on? How do you know when it’s time to give up? When do I quit trying?

I’ve stretched the rope as far as I can and I’ve run out. I’m on the edge and no one cares but me. I can’t do this life anymore. People just love to kick me day after day, can they not see the pain in my eyes? Have I gotten that good at hiding it? Can they not see the tears? The suffering? Do they just take a blind eye to it like they did when I was being beat?

I can’t live anymore. I’m hurting and no where I go is safe. I have never had a safe home, it’s never been my place to escape the world. Obviously work is far from any safe place for me. Every safe place I have found has been stripped of me for one reason or another. I’m so alone. I cry every single day, several times a day. I hurt so bad and no one has done anything about it.

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Have I mentioned how much I hate the holidays? They fucking suck since the divorce! I fit in no where. My dad’s side hates me because I lived with my mother after the divorce. And my dad’s mom…well she’s a real fucking peach! I walked out on both Thanksgiving AND Christmas last year. Fuck her!

Well the woman landed herself in the hospital yesterday. I haven’t and don’t plan to visit her and my mother is telling me how horrible I am. That I should visit my grandma…excuse me but she bad mouths myself AND my mother and my MOM said I have to see her?? Fuck that shit! She can lay there and get the fuck over her attitude before I visit! Call me cold hearted, I don’t give a fuck anymore!

Got into a fight with my dad about it too. He was trying to tell me what the doctors said and I corrected his wording and World War 3 started. Fucking asshole started screaming at me to “shut the fuck up you little bitch, you’re not letting me finish.” Finish? Finish what?! You don’t even know what the hell you are saying and it makes ZERO sense! I hung up on the jackass! Fuck him too! Fuck them all!

I have no where to turn, no where to go. I’m dying here. One day at a time, slowly. I’ve started writing letters that will go out to ever fucker that screwed with me so they know what their actions can cause!! Once done with that, then the next stage of planning. When, where, how.

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take it. I’m done. Broken beyond repair and no one can save me anymore.