I’d like to take a few minutes out of my day here to discuss something I’ve spent much time thinking about, mostly just to get it off my mind. I am not a “child of divorce” because it was just last year that my parents decided they were going to FINALLY get divorced. I say finally here, because I used to wish and pray pretty much daily that they would divorce because of the hell they put me through as a child but that’s a whole different discussion. I am completely confused and lost in the world when it comes to this divorce, even though it’s exactly what I wanted it and it’s what they needed.
One evening, in the early summer of 2011, my parents sat all us children down and told us they were getting a divorce. I couldn’t be more happy at the time, my sister started crying and ran off, and my brother threw a fit a ran to his room. I know my sister did this out of wanting attention (she cries all the time), but I couldn’t figure out what there was to cry about. The more I thought about it, I realized that my brother and sister didn’t get the hell I did when my parents fought and anyone that knows our family will confirm that. My parents made my life a living hell, but my siblings didn’t have to go through that, so I started to understand why they might be upset.
It wasn’t till weeks to follow that I got upset and it was not for the same reason as my siblings. I was more angry than upset. The weeks following my parents announcement I began to find out, mostly from cousins, that my parents pending divorce was no secret among the family. In fact, every single extended and distant family member knew before my parents decided to tell their own children and this pissed me off, it still does. They felt the need to tell every single person, except for their own children. By the time they did decide to tell us, they had already gone to the lawyer and started the paperwork. I felt betrayed, lost, and hurt.
About 4 months after, my father finally found an apartment and moved out. Now, this was also a confusing time for me. Though my father physically beat my, my mother mentally messed with me. I couldn’t decide at the time which I’d rather live with, if given the ultimate choice it’d be neither. (Take note that I had been looking for a house for 2 years, but given the economy and housing choices for my price range, I am still stuck living at home.) My sister moved in with my dad, which I couldn’t be more pleased about! Try spending 24 years in a room with someone that hates you down to your core, beats you every chance they get, and never cleans up after them self! I could not wait for her to be gone and took full advantage of it when she was! I repainted, cleaned everything, rearranged, and made the room my own for once in my whole life!
Now, 2 months shy of 1 year since their divorce, I find myself still confused on how I am suppose to feel or act about it. At the time everyone was calling and texting me to let them know if I “need anything” which seems to be the universal answer when a person doesn’t know what to say or do to help someone. I think I am finally to the point where I need that help everyone was offering, but I think their offers ran out a LONG time ago. It still feels strange when I’m at home and my dad and sister aren’t around. I went from a packed house of 5, to just the 3 of us (my mom, brother, and myself). That’s not much of a difference, I know, but my mom is rarely home and I’m not used to the “peacefulness” that home has to offer. I’ve never had that place I could go to escape the world. For me, home was hell, it was the place I avoided at ALL cost! Now, I feel myself wanting to be there. I like being in my room now, I finally have that place that’s all mine. A place that I can escape too.
My mind is completely lost on how I am suppose to feel still about this divorce. I am so torn. My father calls all the time wanting me to come over, and finally after 5 months of avoiding him I drug my cousin along on a visit. He looks so much older than I remember, I guess divorce does that. And he apparently is always sitting at home because he has no one and nothing to do. The man has no hobbies, he just sits in front of the tv drinking beer, that’s all I can ever remember him doing. I feel bad for him at times, but remember that he did this to himself. He treated me like shit and I have zero desire to go through that more.
Maybe one day I will invite him back into my life, but for now one parent at a time. My relationship with my mom isn’t the best, but it’s been getting better. And with the advice and encouragement of my man, things are being repaired, something I never thought possible. Maybe one day my life will finally be “normal” but for now I live the confusion of an abused child dealing with parents that divorce when I became an adult.