Toying With An Idea

This is something I have been thinking about for years, since at least Freshman year of high school. I never was one for the grades, I think that came from a combination of the ADHD and abuse. It was all pretty much known by teachers, friends, and people around me. Everyone knew I had problems, but no one ever asked or did anything.

When I was in elementary I got diagnosed with ADHD and learning disorders including dyslexia. I remember my mother’s words exactly…”she doesn’t need treatment, she needs to grow up and learn how to behave!” My mom allowed my sister to get treatment for her reading disorder, but wouldn’t let me. I learned to adapt, even ended up in honors classes through junior high and high school. I never did a single bit of homework either, not one. Looking back I wonder how I managed to pass classes and stay in those honors classes…I’m really starting to think my teachers knew about the abuse. Anyway, I made it through school, barely, but did it. I always thought about what I wanted to be, what I wanted to do with my life. I thought about becoming a doctor or counselor or something to help children get the help I never got.

I got into college, barely made it through that. Problems at home got worse and I dropped out of school. Was working 3 jobs and got tired of it. I went back to school, trying to decide what I wanted to do with my life. About this time I met “asshole boyfriend” but he wasn’t an asshole yet, he was a good guy at this time. I was trying to decide what I wanted to do with my life. With his help and suggestion, I got into EMT class. I loved it! It was great and loved working in the field. I moved forward, finished fire school and got into Paramedic. Asshole boyfriend became more of an asshole because he didn’t like me being in fire/EMS even though he suggested it. We split up and my man became a bigger part of my life.

So now I’m done with medic, working as a firefighter/medic but I feel like I want more out of life. I LOVE being on an ambulance and firetruck, but I have always considered doing more. I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about becoming a doctor…I think this is what I want. I still hope to work on an ambulance too, but I think I want to continue schooling to be a pediatric doctor. I want to do more, help more, and become more in life. I really want to go to school to become a doctor but I can’t afford that…I don’t know how I’d be able to…I can’t work AND go to school for that at the same time.

So…now what do I do? I guess I have to be content with being a paramedic, something I love doing! And just not move on to be more…that’s ok, it’s probably better that way anyway. No matter which choice I make, I know I have my man here to support me!

Charlie St. Cloud

Tonight Charlie St. Cloud was on tv and I called my man so he could watch it. This movie will always mean something to me, see it was the first movie my man and I went to watch. I still remember that day very much. I was still “with” the asshole boyfriend. He was there, trying to control me, yelling at me, but was never truly there. He just wanted to yell at me and talk down to me. He never really cared about me. So after a particularly bad day, my man stole me away. He took me out for the day and since it was quit chilly we needed something to do inside so we hit the movies.

The beginning of the movie was hard for me because of my car accident. I couldn’t watch and had tears in my eyes, but my man held my hand tight and kept me close. He held me close the whole movie and this was the first time we really got close to each other. I remember watching the movie but never really focusing on it, I spent more time thinking about him and what he meant to me. This movie always reminds me of that day, the day I realized just how much I loved him and why. He will always be my man!

So I need some help, with Christmas and what to do…maybe you can help me rocks since you and him are close in age. Last year I got him this book I made, it was custom with reasons why I love him. He totally loved it! Had tears when I gave it to him! Each page said, “I love….” and gave a reason why with a little stick figure on it saying why. I used some of the precreated pages and then made my own. He keeps it right next to his bed and reads it from time to time. Now my problem is…how the hell do I top that?!?!

I don’t really have to top that, but I have no idea what to get him at all! Help!! Any ideas? Suggestions?? Anything? He always gets on me about spending too much, tells me not to because he knows my situation with the medical bills and just hates when I spend money on him. In my opinion, I don’t care, if it’s something he will truly love, then I’ll spend the money. I thought about making something, but I don’t know what to make. I’m quit crafty and skilled at a lot of different things. Maybe frame some of my pictures for him? I don’t know!

Please help! All suggestions are welcome!

Day 10

I am thankful for geocaching and what it has brought to my life. It’s one of the few things that keeps me going right now, especially in hell. It gives me something to do while I’m stuck there. I’m glad my man loves caching too and is more than happy to go with me! My cousin has recently gotten into it more too and he loves it! I’m glad for that because if he’s off school or it’s a weekend he can cache with me and my man loves it because if he’s busy I’m not sitting around bored.

So Alone

Each night I lay here so alone. Your arms are not here to hold me tight, to keep me safe. You’re not allowed to be here with me, you’re not allowed to stay. Oh how badly I wish you could! I long for our next trip so I can be in your arms!

I love how you wrap me tight and hold me close. Your arms are my safe place, they seem to fix everything. A hug makes my world change, it calms me, comforts me, and makes my world a better place.

I love how you will stay awake to rub my back until I can fall asleep. When I get restless you know just what to do. You know how to calm my body and mind!

You always know how to take my tears away, you know just what to say. I need that. I need you here. I want you here holding me tight, keeping me safe. I’m so alone.

The Day He Told Me

It had been a horrible week. I was stressing with state tests coming up, finishing school, my parents announce their divorce to us kids (after telling the entire family months prior), the ex boyfriend was causing trouble, hell job was more hell, life was just…tough.

My man and I were still “friends” at this point. We were kind of like teenagers sneaking around. He had done nothing more than hugged me and kissed my forehead a few times at this point. We would meet in parks, empty parking lots, commuter lots, my basement after everyone had fallen asleep…where ever we could to talk. He’d hold me close if I needed it, I’d cry sometimes, but we did nothing more than talk.

One day between school and work, I was having a particularly bad day, so he meet me at a small park, one many people pass by and rarely visit. We talked, I cried some, then it came time to leave. He gave me a hug bye and I’ll never forget the words he whispered that day.

“I am so in love with you.”

I heard it, but it didn’t fully register. I knew he loved me, but he was in love with me…I figured he might be, but never expected to hear it. I didn’t say anything, I just left and went to work. I sat there thinking about it for hours, totally distracted. Was that really what I heard? Was it so?

I never brought it up, not that day, not that week, I didn’t say anything about it. Our relationship developed, we became more, and I finally asked about that day. He doesn’t remember saying it, but he said he remembers thinking it. He said he had been thinking it for a while, but never realized he said it. I guess it really is love when you say it and don’t realize it?

PostSecret

Every week I check PostSecret. Sometimes I’m up first thing Sunday to look, while other weeks I have to wait to check it. This morning I finally got a chance to check the site to see this weeks secrets and came across one that got my attention right away!

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I wish I could find who this secret belongs too! I want to talk to them and listen to their story! Especially considering I will probably end up the same since I’m with my man and refuse to give him up for my so called “family”. I just want to know what they went though and their life now! I wish there was a way to get a message out for the person that sent this secret in to contact me!