Hurting, But Alive…For Now

I’m here, for now. I’m hurting so bad right now and have so much anger. I just can’t even being to talk about it right now. Fuckers at hell job fucked me over big time! They figured out how to get me in trouble and it worked. I fucking hate them!

As for CCEMT-P class…well I’m still in it…for now. Test number one, I got 77% on. You have to maintain 75% or higher in the class or you get kicked, so I dodged that bullet. We had the option to retake the first test, which I decided to do. I lucked out and got 97%! Fuck yea! The second test is what goes in the grade book but my class grade is an average of the two test, that puts me at 87% in the class. Not too shabby. I passed EMT and Paramedic with an A in both of them, so it’s frustrating to have a B right now, but I should be happy because I haven’t been kicked from the class…yet.

A few of you have checked up on me, I’m still here and I’m sorry I haven’t gotten back to you. I will soon, I just haven’t felt like it. I’m depressed, majorly depressed. I will get back to you soon, I promise.

My Man

My man loves me.

My man holds me.

My man knows almost all of my needs.

My man wipes away my tears.

My man holds the doors for me.

My man opens car doors for me.

My man isn’t afraid to hold my hand.

My man kisses me softly.

My man hugs me.

My man supports my decisions.

My man reminds me regularly how proud he is of me.

My man always there for me.

My man just happens to be a little older than I am.

Our age difference does not define our relationship, we are no different than you.

Because of his age, he is more patient and works with me, not against me.

We work out any problems, we do not run.

He helps me.

He will never leave me.

My man loves me.

Early Christmas!

Today was a pretty good day, minus the sinus infection I woke up with! I was stuck in hell with Chief Bitch but I spent as much time as possible avoiding her. In fact, I spent all day avoiding her! I spent the day with my man, except for the few calls we had. Since we both work the next couple days and aren’t sure we’ll actually be able to see each other on Christmas we decided to do gifts today, just in case. He loved his! I was so excited! And he was so surprised!

Last year for Christmas, my man got me and Xbox, which he refers to as my “therapy” device. I used Call of Duty to suppress my anger, boy does it help! After my brother moved in with my dad I was Xboxless and last year my man fixed that for me! I was SO happy! We this year he out did himself again!! While I was hiding out with him, he gave me one gift and told me to use it right away. Since I wasn’t feeling good at all, he knew this would help me and give me something to do…

IMG_2973Ted!!!! : ) I love that movie! It’s funny, sad, and just awesome! Back when my man and I first got together I hated the fact that he couldn’t hold me all night or stay, so he got me a teddy bear to keep with me. We named him Patches. Patches goes everywhere with me!! Even work…but shhh no one knows that! So since Patches came to work and we both went to hide out with my man, then opened this gift, Patches and I watch the movie…sort of. The sinus infection knocked me out for a while. But it was great, my man held me till I fell asleep and then took really good care of me when I woke up. I got very lucky and had just two calls for my truck so avoiding the station was easy.

After we got done with the movie he was too excited for me to wait for some of my other gifts, so he had me open the next one…

IMG_2974Currently we cache with my man’s older eTrex and love it! But it’s outdated, wasn’t designed for geocaching then and just slowed down, so he got me this one!! How cool!! I’m so excited! I had been looking at them for a while, considering it, but knew the one he has was fine for us. Well, he decided that I needed my very own for any adventures I go on and I was extremely surprised about it! I can’t wait to go out and use it!! If only it would freaking warm up here!

He also got me a Kinnect for my Xbox with the Harry Potter game! : ) I was so excited for that too!! I admit…I’m the Harry Potter generation!! And was so excited to see this game come out and even more excited when he picked it out all on his own for me!! He’s great to me!!

He came home with me tonight after work to take care of me, brought me food which I was unable to eat, and rubbed my back until I was calmed down and comfortable. Got me anything I needed and just sat here with me. God I wish he could stay with me! I hated seeing him go SO bad! It hurts! We just had a wonderful little Christmas to ourselves and he has to leave. It hurts so bad.

As for Christmas…every year I make my own cards, but this year I failed miserably because I just mailed them today! Between work, work, and more work I never got a chance to finish them until Wednesday, then Thursday we were so busy I never made it to the post office!! Oh well..I just hope everyone gets them at least by the day after at the latest. Here is a preview of my cards.

IMG_2964

Looking at this picture I realize my carpet looks like I haven’t vacuumed…ever. WTF?! I just did it right before this picture…guess I need to try again. I’m off to bed to try and recover from this infection some because my next day off is Christmas Day.

Oh, and Chief Bitch update…she refuses to talk to me, literally! I asked a question today and she ignored me!! Fucker! (Pardon my language) And she finally added me to the schedule…a whole fucking TWO days!!! I went from averaging 20 shifts a month to just TWO FUCKING shifts!!!!!! And it happened as soon as the bitch took over the fucking schedule because she just has to be in control of everything! Can I hit her?? That’s all I want for Christmas!

My Man and Christmas

I haven’t posted much about my man lately. We are going. Doing good. He says he hurts with me, but is trying to help me through this. I sure hope he can.

As for Christmas, there were two things he wanted so I scraped up money and got them both! He forgot he asked for the first, but I think he has the other figured out. I’m also planning on trying to cook a nice dinner for him soon. I’ll only have a few stolen minutes Christmas Day to see him. We both work before and right after. Shame.

As for my gifts…he is torturing me like normal!! “The are round, but yet square.” “Big, but yet small.” “Sharp, but yet it isn’t.” Ugh! Men!! Ha but it’s fun! Keeps me smiling during this shit. This morning he said he can’t fit it all in his garage! He’s messing with me. I would LOVE to own a 2012 Chevrolet 2500 HD, dura max diesel! Decked out! When I did the specs, the total came out to $56,000!! I’m gonna need a new career…

He Doesn’t Get It

I was talking to my man about the test results today. In particular the results of the jackass Captain and his little move. To which my man replied with, “That can’t be causing PTSD, he was just joking around with you.” For the record, my man hates jackass with a passion! Hate is an understatement here, he cannot stand the guy and wants him to suffer and my man is not a violent person at all. I just could not believe he said what he did…it hurt. It hurt bad, right in the middle of my chest. I broke down. Instant tears and I hung up on him. Then I sent the following text:

You can’t tell me that what The jackass did won’t cause PTSD. You don’t know what it was like, how it hurt, how I felt, how I still fell! You have no idea what I went through! What it was like to have TWO other people WATCH what he did!!! I fucking hate myself for letting it happen! I think about it every single day! No one damn day goes by without thinking about it, wondering why me?! Why did I have to walk past him?! What did I do? Why did I let it happen to me! You don’t know how much it hurts! Then to have those two people take HIS side! I left my shift that day and cried! I cried myself to sleep for days. I was physically sick for a fuck month! I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I cried all the time! It makes me sick just thinking about it! And no one knows, no one understands. He put his nasty hands on me! And I do NOT find it as something that should be brushed off!! You have no idea what I’m going through!

All I got back was an, “I guess I don’t. Sorry.” Just great…that was not exactly a good response to defuse the situation. But since then he has listened and says he understands more. We’ll see, either way the damage is still done and I feel completely alone in this.

Am I overreacting? Should I just “get over it” and brush it off? Was it really that little of a deal and I’m making it into more?

I think I’m making it more than it was. I think it’s time to get over it, time to move on. He’s gone now, finally fired, so that means it’s been “taken care of.” Problem solved.

Day 19

I have nothing more to be thankful for. Not one. I thought all day and not a single thing comes to mind. Am I that horrible of a person? I can’t even be thankful for anything?

A little back story about the weekend and how I got to where I am right now…alone…

I was having a bad day, just one problem after another. Stuck at “hell” job all day, stupid drivers coming home, phone call from my mom all pissy, then my dad telling me about my grandma…just a bad day. Well, my man was in the area so he went to my house and waited for me to get there from work. I came in just stressed and not in a good mood. First he asks what my problem was, no hi…nothing…just, “what’s wrong now?” Am I that predictable? So I started by telling him crappy drivers made my day worse and without me even getting to explain about my grandma or the phone call from my mother, he responds with, “You’re ruining your life. You need to let it go.”

Probably not a bad response if you look at it and looking back now it wasn’t the worst response he could have chosen, however this particular night it was a “trigger” and I lost it. My response was something along the lines of, “I don’t need this tonight” and I took off upstairs in tears. I just couldn’t take anymore that day. His response to that? He left. Walked right out the door. I needed comfort, not another person to walk away. Am I that horrible to deal with?

By then I was pissed. Beyond pissed! I sent all kinds of horrible texts, ones I probably shouldn’t have, but I did it. I told him I’m done with him, with this family, with everyone. I told him to leave me alone and go enjoy his “happy fucking life” and that was the last message I sent. I have not responded to a single text message, phone call, nor e-mail from him for two days. He’s tried…sort of, but has yet to say sorry at all. So for now…I refuse to talk to him. I may have messed up, and I know my already bad day made things worse, but I refuse to let it be 100% my fault.

As for my grandma…got the call today that the doctors want to intubate so I had no choice but to go to the hospital. My mother and father are both on me about seeing her, but you know what…she’s been nothing but a bitch to me every time I see here…why should I take off work to go up there? I have bills to pay and I just flat out don’t want to be around her. Call me evil. I don’t give a shit anymore.

I guess being in EMS has given me a cold heart when it comes to the sick and dying. I’m used to it so to speak. It’s a part of life, I’m at peace with it, and know it’s coming. If it’s their time, it’s their time. If I lost the grandparents that helped raise me…yes it would hurt, I’d cry and miss them horribly, however it’s life. I don’t know…I don’t know how to deal with emotions. I don’t know what to do, what to say. I just…I don’t know. It’s life. And the grandma that is in bad shape…well, she has not been kind for a long time now…she’d be better off with my grandpa anyway because she has been a COMPLETELY different person without him.

What can I say…I’m a cold hearted bitch and I want nothing to do with anything right now. I’m done with it all. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of feeling. I’m tired.

Day 13

I am thankful for being able to spend the day with my man. See, he quit one job and took up another. He did this because he said “it will mean more time off and more things we can do together.” Hmm…I knew that wouldn’t happen and boy was I right! I get to see him about half of what I used to, maybe less.

Today was the first time I had seen him in almost two weeks! That is a long time for someone that is about 12 miles away at any given time. He’s always too busy with things he has to do now…I don’t like it at all. I hate that he is so busy and then when he is off, he goes camping. Of course I’m always invited but because of work I can rarely go. I don’t have the set schedule he does, I can’t just ask for vacation either.

And now the holidays are coming up…I’m starting to really hate them! For so many reasons starting with the fact that I have to act single even though I’m not…ugh. More on that to come, look for my holiday post soon.

Toying With An Idea

This is something I have been thinking about for years, since at least Freshman year of high school. I never was one for the grades, I think that came from a combination of the ADHD and abuse. It was all pretty much known by teachers, friends, and people around me. Everyone knew I had problems, but no one ever asked or did anything.

When I was in elementary I got diagnosed with ADHD and learning disorders including dyslexia. I remember my mother’s words exactly…”she doesn’t need treatment, she needs to grow up and learn how to behave!” My mom allowed my sister to get treatment for her reading disorder, but wouldn’t let me. I learned to adapt, even ended up in honors classes through junior high and high school. I never did a single bit of homework either, not one. Looking back I wonder how I managed to pass classes and stay in those honors classes…I’m really starting to think my teachers knew about the abuse. Anyway, I made it through school, barely, but did it. I always thought about what I wanted to be, what I wanted to do with my life. I thought about becoming a doctor or counselor or something to help children get the help I never got.

I got into college, barely made it through that. Problems at home got worse and I dropped out of school. Was working 3 jobs and got tired of it. I went back to school, trying to decide what I wanted to do with my life. About this time I met “asshole boyfriend” but he wasn’t an asshole yet, he was a good guy at this time. I was trying to decide what I wanted to do with my life. With his help and suggestion, I got into EMT class. I loved it! It was great and loved working in the field. I moved forward, finished fire school and got into Paramedic. Asshole boyfriend became more of an asshole because he didn’t like me being in fire/EMS even though he suggested it. We split up and my man became a bigger part of my life.

So now I’m done with medic, working as a firefighter/medic but I feel like I want more out of life. I LOVE being on an ambulance and firetruck, but I have always considered doing more. I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about becoming a doctor…I think this is what I want. I still hope to work on an ambulance too, but I think I want to continue schooling to be a pediatric doctor. I want to do more, help more, and become more in life. I really want to go to school to become a doctor but I can’t afford that…I don’t know how I’d be able to…I can’t work AND go to school for that at the same time.

So…now what do I do? I guess I have to be content with being a paramedic, something I love doing! And just not move on to be more…that’s ok, it’s probably better that way anyway. No matter which choice I make, I know I have my man here to support me!

Charlie St. Cloud

Tonight Charlie St. Cloud was on tv and I called my man so he could watch it. This movie will always mean something to me, see it was the first movie my man and I went to watch. I still remember that day very much. I was still “with” the asshole boyfriend. He was there, trying to control me, yelling at me, but was never truly there. He just wanted to yell at me and talk down to me. He never really cared about me. So after a particularly bad day, my man stole me away. He took me out for the day and since it was quit chilly we needed something to do inside so we hit the movies.

The beginning of the movie was hard for me because of my car accident. I couldn’t watch and had tears in my eyes, but my man held my hand tight and kept me close. He held me close the whole movie and this was the first time we really got close to each other. I remember watching the movie but never really focusing on it, I spent more time thinking about him and what he meant to me. This movie always reminds me of that day, the day I realized just how much I loved him and why. He will always be my man!

So I need some help, with Christmas and what to do…maybe you can help me rocks since you and him are close in age. Last year I got him this book I made, it was custom with reasons why I love him. He totally loved it! Had tears when I gave it to him! Each page said, “I love….” and gave a reason why with a little stick figure on it saying why. I used some of the precreated pages and then made my own. He keeps it right next to his bed and reads it from time to time. Now my problem is…how the hell do I top that?!?!

I don’t really have to top that, but I have no idea what to get him at all! Help!! Any ideas? Suggestions?? Anything? He always gets on me about spending too much, tells me not to because he knows my situation with the medical bills and just hates when I spend money on him. In my opinion, I don’t care, if it’s something he will truly love, then I’ll spend the money. I thought about making something, but I don’t know what to make. I’m quit crafty and skilled at a lot of different things. Maybe frame some of my pictures for him? I don’t know!

Please help! All suggestions are welcome!