Emergency Vet Bill

Well the vet bill showed up…from the emergency visit over the weekend…I just went from really broke to dead broke!! I would do it for my puppy all over again but this sucks!

I can’t remember the last time I ate real food. It just feels horrible knowing I can’t eat. I’ve had bread and butter almost daily, I’ve been eating Ramen noodles for weeks, as well as spaghetti-o’s. I haven’t had solid foods in so long that I’m not sure my stomach will be able to handle it. I’ve lost too much weight too. I was finally up to 128lbs (which my doctor said was still too low for me), now I’m down to 104lbs. I look too skinny, I don’t like it.

I need clothes so bad, uniform clothes and daily clothes but that won’t happen any time soon. I’ve lost too much weight to keep my pants up. My duty boots have a hole so every time it rains I’m walking around with a wet foot. My tennis shoes are 4 years old, I have zero traction because the soles are so worn out they are starting to fall apart, my jeans all have holes. My shirts are just literally falling apart.

I can’t even buy myself basic needs. It’s not my dogs fault he got sick, it’s no ones fault, but he deserves treatment so his needs are above mine, I will not let him suffer! He’s the only one that is always happy to see me every time I come home.

Despite adding another job, none of them pay well. And thanks to our stupid fucking worthless government, I can’t work enough hours at one job, or any job in general. And I have to start paying for health insurance out of my pocket, or pay the fine…must be nice to have their damn salary AND vacation 3/4 of the year! Fuck you government! Thanks to you dicks, my hours are cut, my jobs can’t pay me, and I have to spend more money. I was down to two meals a day, now I’ll be down to one. But it’s ok, I’m used to going hungry.

Still Living

I’m alive! Super busy! But alive! This class is keeping me BUSY! Very very busy, just trying to keep up! But I’m taking a break to give everyone a little bit of an update. So here it is…

First, I got that new job. I start soon and I can’t wait! Paperwork done, just have to schedule my “third person shifts” to go though orientation, then I’ll be on my own. I worked the other job I like today, we were busy all morning! Here’s a tip…having a busy day? Just fly a few out, you won’t have a single call, no one on the department will, for 6 hours after! I guess that’s a good thing for the patients…we were bored though. I got it will quiet after a few helicopter rides. I had a city trip too and we get to stop for food, which I love about those trips. While we were eating a father and his daughter were at a table near us. They asked where we were located out of and I chatted with them for a bit. We went to pay and found out the guy bought our food! I wish I could have thanked him! It’s incredible what some people will do! And it shows you that you need to treat EVERY patient good because you never know who you’ll come across! My first boss made sure I knew what customer service meant and if you couldn’t do it properly, they were more than happy to show you out the door. My co-workers don’t understand that these people we transport are our paycheck! They don’t know how bad dirty rigs look to our company. They just don’t know.

This week I meet with an adviser to sign up for classes for a Bachelor degree. I have more than enough credits for a Bachelor, but so many are required to be from a 4 year school so I have to pick a major AND a minor, maybe two minors, because I won’t have enough credit hours with just the one. I don’t know what I’m going to pick yet. I was thinking about a minor in photography, but I’m not sure what to do my major in. I don’t know yet…guess I need to keep thinking about that. I need my Bachelor in something I can fall back on in case of injury in the field. Time to think…

I also have my first meeting with a counselor…this should be interesting. She seemed real nice and comfortable on the phone so we shall see. I’m a bit nervous, but I know I need it. Still have no money or shifts to pay for it, but I guess I have to find a way. I’m already on the Ramen noodle every meal diet…not sure I can go much lower than that…I guess I’ll find a way. It’s been all Ramen noodles and soup for several weeks now but I refuse to ask for money or even tell anyone there is a problem. I’m on my own in this. I haven’t told my man either. I think he suspects, because he has taken me out to dinner a few times. I’m so used to having no food that when we go out to eat I’ll order some side dish and that’s all I’ll eat, my stomach literally can’t handle anything. He probably knows but I’m not telling him, besides he doesn’t have the money to help me, his kids nickle and dime him to death. He really needs to cut them off and stop paying for shit! Hell, they are all over 20, they need to suck it up and stop visiting hospitals just because “they want something wrong with them” as many have put it. They just love attention and pain meds..they both have drug addictions and he’s pretty much fueling that fire! I told him to quit paying but whatever, his choice. Those are some spoiled ass kids and I think he’s finally seeing that. Anyway, thanks to them, the fucking government, and a loss of his part time job he couldn’t help me if he wanted to. All Ramen noodles and off brand soup for me…yum.

Other than that I’ve been just trying to survive. I can only afford to drive to work, so I never leave my house. It’s making life a living fucking hell with my mother! Then she keeps racking up shit I need to pay for too. Rent, dog car, supplies that she uses NOT me, crap she doesn’t need…the bitch is killing me more! I don’t have the money for this shit! Every time she makes me pay for something it cuts back in the food or gas money I don’t have already. I think I would be slightly better off and have real food if it weren’t for her shit. I guess it’s time for sleep for me, another long day, this time holding down fucking hell! I just want to cry, I hate going there, someone shoot me now!

Bitch Strikes Again

I’m pissed! How’s that for a start?!

I’m suppose to take my first test tomorrow for this nightmare class and once again my fucking mother has to fuck my life up!! I’m sick of this shit!! She fucking knows I have a test! She has been going on lately about how I need to pay rent, which I’m not paying right now. Let’s discuss why this pisses me off.

Número Uno – The bitch goes out drinking EVERY night! Yes! Every fucking night! Then bitches about how she “has no money” and I should be paying her rent money. I don’t fucking think so! I’m not supporting your drunk ass fucking habit! Don’t have any money? Quit fucking drinking!!! Duh!

Number Two – Her fucking comment tonight of, “it’s the least you can do since you don’t do anything else around her” is getting her no where! I don’t do anything else?!?! I work 5 fucking jobs AND go to school! Are you fucking serious?! I’m NEVER here! And when I am I’m stuck cleaning up after her and her drunk ass friends!! I get no sleep before work because they are up yelling and partying! I clean up after myself AND her! But I “don’t do anything”…bitch needs to learn some appreciation!!

Number Three – She’s a dirty, sneaky, lying ass bitch! Right after the divorce she was seeing someone, I don’t give a fuck if she saw him before. What pisses me the fuck off is I overheard the conversation then she told everyone to shut up right to my face so I wouldn’t know! Fucking hoe! You told the WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY about the divorce 6 MONTHS before you told your own children! Now it’s top fucking secret too that you are dating?!?

Number Four – Even if I wanted to pay rent, I can’t! I wasn’t expecting Chief Bitch to give me zero hours yet again! I can’t afford gas, food, or the shit I need for school. Your fucking rent check can wait!

Number Five – You don’t even know my fucking age you fucking drunk! Thanks for making me 2 years older than I am…I appreciate that. But if you’re excuse to make me pay rent is my age…well the least you can fucking do is get my age right! You don’t even know me! You don’t know a fucking thing about me!

I’d rather live on the streets than pay your bitch ass self a fucking dime! So fuck you! You’re getting ZERO money from me! And go ahead, try to take it out of my savings account, it won’t get you far! You see bitch, after I realize you stole $7,000 or more from me during my childhood, all that birthday money and paychecks never made it there, I emptied what was left and opened my own account! So fuck you!

I’m Running for President!

I’m running for President and this is what you get:

– On welfare? The government will assist you with ONE child! Can’t afford the child? Then don’t have more! Simple plan there!

– You want your welfare check? Guess what…you’re getting a drug test EVERY month!! Think that’s expensive? What about the money saved not being handed out? Because I know 4 people personally that will lose their “income”.

– Taxes will be cut for small businesses and others as soon as I get us out of debt to China! Stupid ass Obama!

– Cutting Presidential to $50,000. Yes, you read that right. They get a house, food, travel, everything…there is NO need to make $450,000 for LIFE!! It should be about HONOR, NOT the check!

– Congress, you’re getting a pay cut too! You should be proud of your position! And you are going to learn to get work done! And it will become a requirement to volunteer so many hours a year, pick an organization and help. And donating money doesn’t count, your ass is getting out there and helping!

– Soldier…you are getting a pay increase and health care 100% paid for for you, 75% for spouse and dependents. You deserve more than anyone can offer, the least I could do is more money to help you and your family!

– Police officers, firefighters, EMTs…you are also getting a pay increase and the same health care for soldiers. And also, free counseling! Soldiers too…you get completely free counseling!

– Insurance has drove costs up so much that without insurance a person can’t afford anything. Making cuts there. Insurance cutdown and start regulating cost for health care. Same for prescriptions, cutting cost. Too many people benefitting from pushing drugs, not happening anymore.

– More cuts to save money. No longer will illegal immigrants get money, for school, anything. You want money? Earn it!! As for scholarships because you’re a “minority”…cut! This entire country is a “minority”!! And you know what…the Jewish had it WAY worse than those slaves, but it was your family! Not you! So quit playing the “suffering” card!! Get over it already!

– In this country we speak ENGLISH! Learn it or get out! Don’t like this country? Go back to where you came from! Want to become a citizen…learn English!

– Gun control? That won’t stop the criminals. Nationwide conceal and carry laws. Everyone takes the same class and you can carry thought the nation. If you’re legal to own a gun, then you have the right to defend yourself from the assholes that have them illegally.

There is so much more! But this country needs fixing!! And these idiots in charge…you’re not doing shit!!



That title seems weird given the fact that I am far from unbreakable! I’m shattered, beaten, broken, and damaged beyond repair, but somehow still alive. I’m alive, here on this earth, a place where 20 little angels are not. 20 beautiful angels. I read a poem today that brought tears to my eyes, here it is for your reading:

12-14-12 – Tabatha VargoTHE FIELD TRIP
Please don’t cry, we’re ok.
We went on a field trip today.
A secret place where there’s fun to be had.
And the principle’s with us, so we won’t be bad.
It’s full of toys and rainbow slides.
Cotton candy and high cloud rides.
A funny zoo full of different things.
I even saw a man with wings.
We’re not alone so don’t you fear.
We’re chaperoned by Jesus here.
It’s really nice so I think I’ll stay.
And hold your spot till your field trip day.
I know Christmas is here and there’s toys to be given.
So please tell Santa that I’m in heaven.

I got tired of the new, tired of watching the stories. I hate how the media tells you every detail about the killers, but rarely covers the victims. I think too much is spent on the killer, they shouldn’t even give a name or picture…they should talk about the victims and their story.

And they should NOT be interviewing the children!! The parents should NOT be saying it is ok, but even if they are, the media SHOULD NOT BE DOING IT!! WTF is wrong with them?!?!?! They are CHILDREN!! Children that don’t know what happened. Children that describe the gun shots as “hammers”. Children that are asking if their friends are ok…the friends they watched get shot. That is fucked up! Leave the kids alone! Don’t you have more respect for them than that?!?!

I have one picture I would like to share before I get off the subject…


This just cracked me up! I know so many people that think taking away guns will fix the problem…ha! You’re a fucking idiot!! Sorry…but you are! I had one person tell me they only go to safe places…that’s funny. I guess that school is an “unsafe place” as is the church that was shot up in Illinois. Or the mall. Or the movie theater. People are funny and stupid at the same time. Whatever, I’m done with that subject.

New topic…I fucking HATE Christmas!!

I have a Critical Care Paramedic class I REALLY want to sign up for but I won’t be able to, I can’t afford it. Unless any of you out there is willing to lend me $2100?? Any takers?? I wish they had aid for it or something…but they don’t so I guess no class for me…at least not any time soon. Oh well I guess. I’m stuck in hell tomorrow so maybe I can come up with something…I will focus on that goal to keep my mind busy…

I Quit!

Chief Blank,

I hereby resign my position with “said department” effective two weeks from Monday, June 18, 2012. Thank you for granting the leave of absence during the month of July, however after my last shift in June I will not be returning. I made a mistake by coming and talking to you, there is no fixing this which I realized during our meeting. I appreciate you taking the time to listen to me and I am very sorry for wasting your time. Please send my apology to Mr. Administrator.

I will contact “office one” to turn all my equipment after my last shift.

Thank you for the opportunity to work for this organization, I appreciate the experience it has offered me for future employment.


What Now?

I had a rough day at work this weekend and vented on here. Sorry guys, you probably don’t care. I e-mailed my Chief requesting an entire month leave, since I’m part-time this shouldn’t be hard to honor. I did not receive a response, which I figured I wouldn’t until Monday when he’s back in the office. I know the e-mails go to his phone, but I figured he either wouldn’t read it or wouldn’t respond until he is back in the office. I pushed it out of my mind the best I could and moved on with my weekend.

Today I spent some time with my totally awesome man, we went geocaching at some pretty awesome parks. It was HOT! But still had fun. Only got about 1/8 of this park that was a favorite of mine when I was little so I plan on going back asap. I can’t wait!! I hope to take my cousins with me too, that’ll be fun! We found a lot of really cool caches and all big ones too! Usually I get all micros, rarely does a park around here have this many containers with more goodies in them. I went searching for some trackables, found none though which was a bummer.

While we were out enjoying the day I heard my phone go off notifying me I got an e-mail which I usually ignore because e-mails come through all the time like crazy. Something told me to look at this one, so I did. It was a response from my Chief! He sent it from his office computer too! Meaning he may have been up there looking for me. This was his response:


I have no problem granting you this leave time. I’m not sure what type of issues you are having with other employees. This is the first time I have heard from you regarding any issues. I encourage you to contact me the next time you work (or before if you prefer) so that you can make me aware of the issues that are bothering you and I will do everything in my power to correct any problems that exist.

Chief Blank

That was nice of him. Now let’s brake this down, shall we…

  • “Not sure what type of issues you are having”…this could take all day if you want to hear it all.
  • “This is the first I have heard from you”…of course it is, I don’t go whining to the boss when every little thing happens and I’m not going to go whining to you now.
  • “I encourage you to contact me”…of course you do, it’s your job on the line if you don’t offer me this. I never said I wanted to discuss the issue, I just said there was one and I want a leave, end of story.
  • “I will do everything in my power to correct any problems”…once again, you’re required to say this. Does firing every asshole there fall “within your power”?? Just curious.

Let’s discuss here a bit why all these people I work with hate me so much. There seems to be a chronic case of “lazy” going around and it’s very contagious! Some people will actually lay there and let me clean around them!! That’s how bad the lazy is! They don’t do their dishes, don’t pick up after themselves, don’t clean anything, and bitch about having to run calls! WTF?! This is your JOB! I’m always cleaning, washing trucks, taking care of things around the station, working on trucks, fixing things, teaching CPR/First Aid, working PR events, going to schools to talk to kids…all the things our full time staff should be doing, but lazy has effected them too. Well, my fellow employees hate me for this because it makes them look bad. They also hate me for being chief’s “favorite”. I’m not the “favorite” and I sure as hell don’t get any special treatment, I’m just liked because I get my lazy ass up!

I grew up where if I didn’t get up and do the work I’ll get my ass beat, literally. You think I’m going to show up to a job that PAYS and NOT do the work I’m suppose to?? I don’t think so! Having good morals and work ethic has made my life at work a living hell, but you know what…when it comes time for promotion or a new job, who do you think will be more likely to get it? Not them, that’s for damn sure. Besides I just flat out feel bad and guilty if I’m not working when I’m getting paid to do so. Hate me all you want, I’m not changing the way I work because of your lazy and poor attitude.

Tomorrow I’m back to work and will have my meeting, I will keep you updated on how that goes. Good night all.

I Need Help!

It’s time for me to start thinking about things and start thinking hard. Before I mentioned problems at an older job with my Captain and the employees there. There are more problems than I can ever explain, it’s just endless. With the help of my awesome man I was able to land a new job, go me! However hours have not picked up enough at this job to leave my current hell, but now I’m thinking I’m just going to have to quit and deal with it.

This is the first time I can honestly say I hate my job. Maybe I should clarify that some, I don’t hate the job, I love what I do, I hate the people I work with. More times than I can count these people make me want to kill myself. I am seriously sitting here today and found myself wanting to just end it all. I’m so sick of this place. I really need to think about things if I’m wanting to kill myself while I’m here.

I need help! I can’t afford counseling, not with all these issues with my teeth coming up. I can’t afford to just quit, not with the bills from my teeth. I’m so stuck and feel like I’m at a dead end, I feel so helpless right now! I never ask for help, every. For as long as I can remember I have taken care of myself and been on my own, but I need help! And bad! I don’t want to make a stupid mistake, I don’t want to use a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Help!

I sent the following e-mail to my chief.

Chief Blank:

I am requesting a leave of absence during the month of July, 2012. Due to recent events within the department and treatment from my fellow employees, I am requesting time off for my own mental health. I will not be putting in availability for this month. For my own sanity I cannot be stationed with my fellow employees for extended hours. I need some time off to consider myself and what I want to do with my current career with “said department”.

If staff is needed for PR events or CPR/First Aid training please feel free to contact me, I am more than willing to help. As you both know, I love doing both these things and would love to help.

After a month off, and time to think, I will continue to put in regular availability unless I decide to resign my position from “said department”, at which time you will receive a months notice.

Thank you for your time,
“The employee accused of fucking the boss” <– no, I promise I didn’t sign it this way, but I should have. I’m sick of being accused of so much that I have not, will not, and do not do! Ugh!

I can’t afford it, but I really need to think about myself and take the time off. This means my position will be held, so I have not quit, but I get 30 days to decide what to do and get a break from these assholes who’s current game plan is to ignore me completely, like I’m invisible. They don’t even respond to me if I talk or ask a question. Talk about feeling worthless.

I can’t deal with all this! First my dad, now that…it has to end! I’m only one person, I’m not strong enough for this! I’m breaking down here, breaking down more than I have before. I just can’t take it anymore, I want it all to end and I don’t care anymore. I’m done with it all. I just don’t even feel the need to live anymore and this is scary to think about. I don’t want this. I really need help.


Apparently I forgot to mention I was due for surgery…oops! My bad. Yesterday I had minor surgery, it was NOTHING like wisdom teeth! Thank God! Just minor mouth surgery.

I have my parents teeth, HORRIBLE! No matter what I do, how much I brush, I will always get cavities. My parents never took care of what my teeth needed so last September I spent $4,400 on just the UPPER portion of my teeth! Dentists are too damn expensive!!! After that I had to have my wisdom teeth taken out…$2300, shitty service, pain two months after, and numbness…fml! So yesterday I was scheduled to get a tooth fixed that I broke a whole back…found out I now have to get the tooth extracted. : ( An infection got in and ruined the tooth.

I need a rich man!! I so do not have the money for this!! 😥 Help!!