Missing My Man – Day 1

Today is day 1 of 3. Three long days without my man! Well, I guess you should count the last 38 hours before that because he was at work and I didn’t get to see him then either. This time he’s really gone, 5 hours away. When he’s working I can just stop by and visit, which I do often, but not when he left this far. He’s on an over night float trip down a river so even if I wanted to sacrifice my little sleep between jobs, I can’t even drive to him.

But what makes it worse…he has no cell service! I can’t even get ahold of him if I tried. He does have a satellite device that will allow him to check in with me, tell me if he’s ok and his location, however he can’t get a response from me. I hate that. It just sucks not having my best friend here to talk to. : ( Especially since I really have something I need to talk to him about!

My sister’s damn wedding is coming up soon. I told her MONTHS ago that I refused to do the readings, of course my family gave me all kinds of shit about it but then it was never spoken about again. Well today I get a text from her telling me I’m doing the readings. I told her no. She flipped and keep asking who is going to do it now. I told her I don’t care, but it won’t be me. I can’t read! You can’t make a dyslexic child that can’t read, do the readings. NO! I refuse! And I know my mom will be calling this evening and bitching me out for telling her no, but I can’t do it! I can’t read!! Honest! And making me try to do it out loud…not going to happen. And I mean, not only will it not happen because I refuse, it’s not going to happen because I really can’t read.

Second note of panic. She told me I need to RSVP for myself and my guest. One problem…who is going to be my guest?? I really, REALLY want to take my man but that’s just going to start more trouble at a wedding I don’t even want to be at! I’m NOT looking forward to seeing my dad and his family, I’m really not looking forward to it now. I don’t know that I’m going to be able to take my man with me and it kills me!

This is what hurts me the most about being in a May-December relationship. It’s not that people don’t accept it, because I understand that, everyone has the right to their own opinion. It’s knowing that he can’t be with me when I need him most because of these opinions. I want him to be the one with me at the wedding, no one else, but if I take him the problems will be worse than if I was alone. I’m going to catch shit either way, it’ll just be worse if I bring him with me.

I just want to be kidnapped for a freaking week or in a coma and skip this whole damn section of life! I don’t want to go see everyone at her wedding and I don’t want to deal with all the comments about “being single” and that crap. What do I do??? Some please kidnap me! Just for a week!

Restless

It’s nights like tonight that make me miss him most and wish we had a “normal” relationship. I love nights when I get to stay with him. He holds me close all night long and rubs my back until I fall asleep. He usually rubs my back to wake me up in the morning too, it sure beats my alarm clock! Nights with him don’t feel so empty, they make me happy, remind we how normal life for us can be.

I wish we had more quality time together, recently that has been lacking and I’m seriously missing time spent in his arms. That’s my safe place, it’s where I know I can’t be hurt. His arms are my happy place, if I’m having a bad day they will fix that. I can feel both his strength and caring from within. I know when I’m there that he will never let anything happen to me, ever. Tonight I could use those arms as thoughts of my past wonder into my mind.

My past…over time it will be visited but it’s far too much for one post. I am working with an amazing friend, who also happens to be a counselor, to move on and fix my life. Oddly enough, he is the same age as my man, but I swear I’m not one of those people that just seeks out older men. I’ve very mature for my age, in all aspects but emotions…I’m still a “child” in that department, but working hard to fix that. Anyway, I have friends that are older, several that are younger…we all mix wonderfully! And several of my friends love hanging out with me and my older man! They think he is great, and especially great for me! I just wish everyone saw that, instead of focusing on our age difference…

I’ve made a decision, and my man is supporting me fully, that if my family wants to treat me back because of who I choose to be with, then they can deal without me in their life. I will only come around when they can accept me and us as we are. I will no long let them control my life and my emotions!