When Your Body Attacks

Warning: I am heavily medicated, please excuse any errors in this post. Thank you.

I am miserable! I never call off of work, ever! I have called off once in 6 years because I had strep and I have called in to say I’m coming late because of a migraine, I got there 2 hours late. When I miss work, it’s serious. Today I got sent home from work. Yes, sent home from hell job by Wannabe Chief Bitch. She said I look like shit, I said thanks, I feel like it too. She said go home. I felt too horrible to argue. I desperately need the money but I can’t function. My chest is so tight I can’t even get out of bed without getting winded. This is horrible!

I am on more medicine that any person should be and I’m STILL miserable! I still itch everywhere and my sinuses are still draining. My doctor is considering add more! How? I’m on everything! I take a Singulair, Claritin, Benadryl, Advil allergy sinus (mix of ibuprofen for inflammation, sudafed, and another antihistamine), plain 12 hour sudafed, antibiotic, AND an inhaler! I take the Singulair every night. The Claritin, sudafed, benadryl, and antibiotic twice a day, the Advil every 4 hours, and inhaler 4 times day! Even with ALL that I still itch, everywhere! Sneeze, cough, can’t breath, and just feel like shit! I get this every year but this is by far the worse!

Back to work tomorrow, at one of the jobs I enjoy. I picked up the shift for someone but right now I’m sort of wishing I hadn’t. Oh well. Maybe I will take double benadryl tonight because I’m desperate for sleep! It has been almost a week since I’ve gotten more than 3 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period…no wonder I’m sick! My body just won’t sleep! : (

Migraine Day 2

Day two of a migraine. My man has been over yesterday and today caring for me the best he can. He hates seeing me suffer, he said it breaks his heart. After 48 hours of suffering and just getting worse, he called my doctor. Naturally she is out of town for the week but another doctor in the office approved a new pain medicine for me with the promise to come in next week.

Thank you God! And thank you to this doctor! I’m not 100% better, have a slight ache in my head, if you have migraines you know what I’m talking about, but this stuff is working better than anything I’ve ever tried!! Finally! Something that works!! I will only use it if I have to because it’s a narcotic, which can be very addicting and I don’t want that. But when I truly need it, I know it’s going to work! Finally! Let’s just hope it stays working!

Day One

My first official day at the new job and it was awesome!! I was so scared and nervous, which I still am slightly because I’m finally working as a medic, but they made me feel like a fit! Everyone was so nice and helpful! I still have a lot to learn and I’m scared shitless about being a medic on my own, but it’s so exciting! It’s always slightly difficult starting a new job, learning the ways, what to do, and how everyone operates, but that will come in time. I feel like I fit in great so far and every single person I have met has been just extra nice and helpful…rural areas are always so much better than cities! People are just all around nicer! I can’t wait to start working more hours there and phase out at the hell I’m stuck in now! In fact, I sent my Chief a letter informing him of my new job (which he helped me get with an amazing letter of recommendation):

Chief *******,

I am writing today to inform you that I am starting a new career and will be working less shifts with (our organization) after June 2012. I am by no means quitting (said job), I am just informing you that my hours will be less. If CPR classes are needed, PR events need staffed, or anything else is needed in town, please feel free to e-mail or call me anytime. If it does not conflict with my schedule, I am more than willing to help.

Due to recent activities within the EMS department, I can no longer continue to work as many hours as I have. I am sorry for giving this information after all you have done for me, however I can not continue working with the staff and enjoy my job. It is time for me to cut back for my own self. But please know, I am not quitting and am more than willing to teach, work events, and continue to operate as an EMT on the ambulance.

I am not giving up, but I am unable to work as often at (our organization) with the staff. I am worn out from being one of the few that help out and work. Due to the supervisory staff and lack of support, I feel I am being poorly treated and can no longer continue to come to work and function to the best of my ability. It is a struggle to do my job without wanting to complain or feel like I need to yell at a fellow employee. I do not like this part of myself and want to prevent it from happening. I feel very little appreciation for the work I do and rarely get help.

Thank you for everything you have taught me, I appreciate your training and knowledge to help start me in this field. It will not go forgotten.

Thank you,
************

The worst days of those who enjoy what they do, are better than the best days of those who don’t. – E. James Rohn

I got sent out on just one call today, crazy considering they have ran over 4,300 calls for the year so far, but the field training officer I was with said I did a great job. He told me I’d fit in great here and am doing very well for myself. That’s very exciting considering it’s my very first day and I only ran one call! All the medics I rode with on my student time for paramedic school always said what an awesome job I did, but I’m not completely sure where they got that idea…I feel scared and sometimes completely lost!! I guess that comes with being a new medic, but the people I ride with say I do awesome all around. They have said I have great paramedic skills and I am great with the patients too. I never want to stop learning and hope to become the paramedic everyone claims I already am.
Besides working like crazy I have been spending as much time as I can with my awesome man. : ) He’s so good to me and for me! Recently a fellow bloggers left a comment about cutting ties with family. This happens to be something I have thought about very much and I’d like to share my thoughts here so they can get out of my head. I have read a lot before about abused children and cutting ties with their family, I have had a discussion with a close friend/personal therapist, and I think this would truly be the best choice for me.
My family can be extremely toxic and bring me down a lot, some days they don’t know they are doing it, other days they seem to get joy out of it, and none of it is good for me. I need to get myself away from them to heal fully. There are now two reasons for me to cut ties with my family if they don’t straight up their act. One is the abuse, I need time to heal. The other reason is being in my age gap relationship. I have had this discussion with my older man and he knows the sacrifice I may have to make, and he fully tried to walk away, I told him no. I refuse to let my family stand in the way of our relationship and how amazing it has been for my life.
I’m having a very hard time lately getting my mind to focus fully, next time i will not let my medicine run out. I am going to watch The Blind Side, if you’ve never seen it or read the book then I highly suggest you go now!! I will watch this movie and then maybe later tonight or this week I can refocus and write everything racing in my mind. Good night world! : )