My Life in a Nutshell

Boy has life been busy! In the past 19 days I have worked 18 of them. Apparently everyone decided to give me shifts at the exact same time, then several people called for me to pick up shifts and stupid me couldn’t say no. But that’s ok, I have two days off, picked up another 3, then two more off. I need the money SO bad right now, I just have to deal with it. Fuck you Obamacare! You fucked me over royally! I hope you get impeached! You are by far the WORST President we have ever had! And NO, your color has nothing to do with it…you’re just a fucking idiot! There, I said it. And if you tell me I’m work, I have plenty of evidence to prove you wrong. You need to educated yourself.

Anyway, back to my life. So I’m keeping busy with work. Joys. I’m really looking forward to next weekend. My man and I are going on our little camping trip to get away and talk. He said he left like he did in hopes that I would find a “nice young man” to date. He said he loves me so much he wanted to do “what was best for me” but as we know, that wasn’t exactly what was best or how to handle it best. He’s back in my life because he realized it wasn’t the best for me, but he wants me to stay open to finding someone. I am really looking forward to this trip though, time to get away from this world!

This fall I am going to Michigan for my photography. My man is taking me, he wants to encourage my photography and he loves my work, so he is taking me up there to get some pictures he wants and is encouraging me to take many more while I am there. I’m really excited about this because we have some really nice locations planned and I’m ready to take some more pictures. It has been a while, I just haven’t felt like it really. So I’m ready to get out there and get some more. In a new place too! If I haven’t shared my photography page with you and you want to see it, please e-mail me or comment with your e-mail and I will share it. I have a Facebook page and Instagram too that I share my work on, some pictures can be ordered directly from a website too if you like the work. If you just want to see it and not buy it’s cool, I just like sharing my pictures.

Finally, despite working a million days in a row I am keeping up with the Geocaching challenge, I have 13 caches for the 13 days of August so far, how many have you gotten? It’s tough keeping up with working but I’m going strong!

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Life…What’s Happening?

I’m here, but not sure what to do with my blog. I guess right now I can start with an update of what has happened and what is going on.

I had a long talk with my man today…a VERY LONG talk! I will still refer to him as my man because right now I don’t know what else to call him. It has been a rough month, but he finally sat down with me and we talked. I did a lot of talking this time and he listened, he finally listened. But I guess I should start back at the beginning, when this all happened. I believe his birthday is what started all this, it’s a significant year for him, but he doesn’t like to celebrate his birthdays for obvious reasons. He doesn’t want to get old, which I don’t like either, but it’s part of life and part of this relationship.

When I think about our relationship, I don’t think about the age gap we have, I look at him as my equal, my best friend, and the one I want my life with. I can’t explain it, but I loved him long before I admitted it to myself. Something about him, we just connected from the beginning. He was the one for me, the one I wanted my life with and the one that was just perfect in so many ways for me! He was my best friend before anything else.

He let the age difference effect him more than I thought. I knew from the beginning that choosing a life with him would be different for me. We were in some different stages of life, but we fit together so perfectly. I knew that I may miss out on some things, but I’ve never been one to go out to the bar. I don’t drink because of my parents so my chances of finding someone my age and someone that doesn’t want to go to the bar all the time is practically impossible. Things just fit with us because of that and so much more.

After our talk today, he said the reason he “left” like he did and hasn’t been in my life, was because he was hoping I would go out and find a nice “young man” that would treat me right. Basically, that backfired. The further away he pushed me and the further away he went, the more I wanted time with him. I just missed him more and more every day. He finally understands now, after this long talk, that his way of handling that wasn’t the right way.

He said he always wants to be in my life, but he thinks it better if I find someone more “suitable” for me but I told him I had what was suitable for me. No one will ever treat me as good as he did, no one will ever love me like he did, no one will ever make me as happy as he has, and no one will ever be what he was to me. I just can’t describe it. I love having him as a friend, but I love him as so much more! I don’t want to find someone else, I don’t need to find someone else. I had everything I wanted but he says I deserve more. I don’t know what more is out there…but I don’t think I need to find it.

Today’s talk went good and we planned a camping trip soon, to get away for a few days and talk about this all. We are taking a trip, to one of our favorite camping spots, where no one knows us, and we are going to talk about it. About all of this, what we are and what we want out of life and what we are going to do. We are going to spend a little time together between then and not make any decisions before that trip. So for now, my life just kind of hangs but I am sure glad he’s finally talking to me about all of this. I hope we can figure it out because I can’t take the pain of not having him in my life.

I would also like to thank everyone that responded to my posts, I’m very sorry I didn’t respond back. I was having a real hard time with all this and I appreciate your kind words and help. Thank you!

Know Your Limit…and Stop

As you know, I recently had that little “surgery” to get that tooth out. It felt SO much better to have out! I’m not happy about what happened, but the problem is “fixed” now…just have to save money and hope I can get an implant now. More money…more bills…just what I don’t need! Oh well I guess…that’s just my life. You would think I would be used to this by now…guess not. The removal went well, doctor said it came out easily and wouldn’t be too hard to recover from, which it wasn’t. It was painful, and sore, but overall it wasn’t horrible. I took the pain meds the first 2 days but after that I used only ibuprofen.

Anyone that works with medicine, you know that high doses of ibuprofen does not mix well with high heat. I had my weekly training for the fire department, no big deal…except for the fact that I forgot I had taken a high dose of ibuprofen…uh oh. Ibuprofen, heat, humidity, and full gear…not a good combination! My body already has a hard time regulating it’s temperature, I can’t fight off the cold or heat since my horrible fever when I was younger. I had a temperature of 106.7…and yes, I am alive today. It was horrible! And I’ve had problems since. It caused a problem at training.

I remember being given a command and saying ok, but never got up. The BC asked if I was ok, I remember telling them yea but just felt so out of it. Then him and someone else picked me up by my coat and drug me over to get my gear off. Stripped off my gear, got cold towels on me, cold fluids slowly and laid me down. They took care of me great and arranged me a ride home and everything. They did great for me! I came home and slept…for hours! Almost didn’t get up the next morning for work. It felt good to finally have some sleep though. I have not been sleeping well at all.

My man decided that he wants me to find someone I can spend my life with, grow old together, have a family…you know…a “normal” relationship. His plan to help me find someone…? Abandoning me. I haven’t see or heard from him much at all. He just took off, has camping, floating, and all these plans with everyone…nothing with me. We had plans for the summer but he changed it all…no longer am I going on vacation because he cancelled that for me. I’m just alone now. Lost and told to go find someone my age. That’s it…that’s his plan. Leaving me…it will fix everything, right?

I’m not happy. I’m hurting. I’m alone. I’m stuck. I’m abandoned. Everyone else has the summer plans made, trips and everything…I now have nothing. The ONLY camping trip we had planned, he cancelled and made plans to go with some new camping group he joined. You have no idea how much that hurts. And how did I fix this hurt? I made sure he knew it! I told him how much it hurt! I told him what he did! I told him how I felt! I let him have it!

What has that done? Nothing. Not a single thing. He has tried to make a few plans…a trip to my favorite swimming location, a small float down a nearby river…but no trips to my favorite river. None of my friends have money to make the trips and go camping with me. They only have money for one trip and have it planned so I’m just here. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t know what to do! I hurt and nothing stops it! i just hurt so bad.

What Now?

Why must life be so complicated? So confusing? How did I fall in love with a man nearly twice my age? How did this happen? If you had told me this would happen, I never would have believe you, but love is blind. It’s not his age, it’s how we get along, it’s how he cares, truly cares about me.

Recently I had problems with my man, he forgot my graduation and planned a trip instead. We have the same problems every relationship has, we have disagreement but we move on. The one thing that is different about our relationship is the age and how that part effects our lives. He has expressed concern about how other people might see our relationship and doesn’t want it to hurt me. I really don’t care if they hate our relationship, it’s not theirs. I have had trouble with my family, but they were piss poor anyway so who cares? Honestly, if they left my life would be better off.

We have discussed recently some other problems that come into play with an age gap relationship. Children. I have always wanted to be a mom! I want at least 3 kids, I want to give them everything I didn’t have, love, kindness, and a parent that cares. My original plan in life was to work part time and home school them, but plans change. Life changes. At first my man said how much he wanted to raise a family with me, how he knows what a great mom I’ll be.

Recently he claims to have been thinking a lot and isn’t sure kids are a good idea. I completely see his side, he’s close to retirement, how can he afford kids and raise them? That is his concern. That and he can’t stand to leave me behind, if something happened, if he were called up early in life. I told him that will be figured out if/when that time comes, God forbid. I could marry someone my age and lose them in a car accident, or they walk out on me. Life is uncertain. He saw this when his coworker lost her husband this week, he died at the young age of 40, leaving her to raise their 10 year old son alone. That’s life, it happens. Does it hurt? Yes, but I have come to accept the fact that people die. It is life’s cycle, some are just able to keep it away longer. I would rather spend the time we both have on this earth together.

He told me he would stick around until I found someone, that he loves me enough to let me go and not hold me back from my plans in life. That hurts me, in a way I can’t explain. I don’t want to find someone else, I have the person I want in life. He did tell me that if I were to find someone else he would be very concerned about how I’m treated, how well they take care of me, and how he would worry all the time if I’m happy.

Regardless of what he says, I know what my heart wants. I know who I want to be with for whatever time I have on this earth. I know what I want and I refuse to let it go.

Complicated

Life is just full of complications, isn’t it? Well mine has no short supply!! Things are going ok right now, at least for the moment, so it won’t be long until all hell breaks lose. That’s how it always works so I’m just waiting.

Hell job is going decent, Chief Bitch has been extra nice to me. I don’t trust her, but I have a feeling she got her little ass chewed. I had a meeting with the highest boss, he was a fucking dick this time had complete false information and was mislead. He wouldn’t let me fix his information but whatever, be a dick. I left that meeting pissed off and not happy at all, but I still showed up. I guess he listened to me some because she’s been really nice lately. She’s fucking up some more, so I guess she has to be nice to me so she can get away with her other fuck ups. Doesn’t matter to me, I have a new job and am working there the smallest amount I’m allowed to do, that’s it.

As for Valentine’s day…well I don’t get to spend it with my man. In fact, I saw him Monday and I won’t see him again till Sunday…I’m bummed. I was finally able to get to the store and find him a card though. The outside of the card says: “To the Man I Love. I remember perfectly the moment I first saw you – the way you were standing, what you were wearing, and the skip in my heart, when we finally spoke.
Everything around us disappeared and all I could see was you. I knew that second I had found the one.” The inside says: “Now, so many memories later, I realize how far we’ve come. But still, some things never change, like the way you take my breath away, whenever I see you walking toward me. With every step we take together, I love you even more. You are my best friend, heart and soul, and the love of my life.” I think it’s perfect. I hate that my family can’t accept him in my life the way he is, but I will never stop fighting for what I want. I hope it works out in the end.

Now it’s time for me to prepare. I’m doing a free photoshoot for a friend of mine, they don’t have a lot of money and just had a kid. I agreed to do the pictures for free and they agreed to share my name and tell as many as they can about me. I’m excited, I’ve never done newborn photos before so that is going to be interesting. I hope all works out! I have some cute props and now it’s time to set everything up and get ready. Hope everyone has a great week. I’ll be around soon.

Hurting, But Alive…For Now

I’m here, for now. I’m hurting so bad right now and have so much anger. I just can’t even being to talk about it right now. Fuckers at hell job fucked me over big time! They figured out how to get me in trouble and it worked. I fucking hate them!

As for CCEMT-P class…well I’m still in it…for now. Test number one, I got 77% on. You have to maintain 75% or higher in the class or you get kicked, so I dodged that bullet. We had the option to retake the first test, which I decided to do. I lucked out and got 97%! Fuck yea! The second test is what goes in the grade book but my class grade is an average of the two test, that puts me at 87% in the class. Not too shabby. I passed EMT and Paramedic with an A in both of them, so it’s frustrating to have a B right now, but I should be happy because I haven’t been kicked from the class…yet.

A few of you have checked up on me, I’m still here and I’m sorry I haven’t gotten back to you. I will soon, I just haven’t felt like it. I’m depressed, majorly depressed. I will get back to you soon, I promise.

My Man

My man loves me.

My man holds me.

My man knows almost all of my needs.

My man wipes away my tears.

My man holds the doors for me.

My man opens car doors for me.

My man isn’t afraid to hold my hand.

My man kisses me softly.

My man hugs me.

My man supports my decisions.

My man reminds me regularly how proud he is of me.

My man always there for me.

My man just happens to be a little older than I am.

Our age difference does not define our relationship, we are no different than you.

Because of his age, he is more patient and works with me, not against me.

We work out any problems, we do not run.

He helps me.

He will never leave me.

My man loves me.