I need a distraction, quick. I’m lonely. I’ll admit it. I spent Thanksgiving completely alone. Not invited by my crew to dinner. My man had his kids over and though I’m sure I could have gone there, I didn’t want to interrupt. And I can’t stand his youngest, she’s just a horrible child. My mom’s side of the family did their stuff earlier today, so I missed that. The only people I wanted to see were my cousins, the boys that have kept me alive. My dad’s side of the family was having stuff later, but I refused to go after work. I just don’t want to see everyone.
So help me. I need a distraction. Ask questions. Tell me a story. Anything. Just distract me!
How much is too much? How do you know you can keep pushing on? How do you know when it’s time to give up? When do I quit trying?
I’ve stretched the rope as far as I can and I’ve run out. I’m on the edge and no one cares but me. I can’t do this life anymore. People just love to kick me day after day, can they not see the pain in my eyes? Have I gotten that good at hiding it? Can they not see the tears? The suffering? Do they just take a blind eye to it like they did when I was being beat?
I can’t live anymore. I’m hurting and no where I go is safe. I have never had a safe home, it’s never been my place to escape the world. Obviously work is far from any safe place for me. Every safe place I have found has been stripped of me for one reason or another. I’m so alone. I cry every single day, several times a day. I hurt so bad and no one has done anything about it.
Have I mentioned how much I hate the holidays? They fucking suck since the divorce! I fit in no where. My dad’s side hates me because I lived with my mother after the divorce. And my dad’s mom…well she’s a real fucking peach! I walked out on both Thanksgiving AND Christmas last year. Fuck her!
Well the woman landed herself in the hospital yesterday. I haven’t and don’t plan to visit her and my mother is telling me how horrible I am. That I should visit my grandma…excuse me but she bad mouths myself AND my mother and my MOM said I have to see her?? Fuck that shit! She can lay there and get the fuck over her attitude before I visit! Call me cold hearted, I don’t give a fuck anymore!
Got into a fight with my dad about it too. He was trying to tell me what the doctors said and I corrected his wording and World War 3 started. Fucking asshole started screaming at me to “shut the fuck up you little bitch, you’re not letting me finish.” Finish? Finish what?! You don’t even know what the hell you are saying and it makes ZERO sense! I hung up on the jackass! Fuck him too! Fuck them all!
I have no where to turn, no where to go. I’m dying here. One day at a time, slowly. I’ve started writing letters that will go out to ever fucker that screwed with me so they know what their actions can cause!! Once done with that, then the next stage of planning. When, where, how.
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take it. I’m done. Broken beyond repair and no one can save me anymore.
Day 2 is officially here which means…my man comes home tomorrow!!! And I can’t tell you how happy I am about that!! I can’t wait to see him again. It feels like FOREVER since we last go to hang out. Though I won’t get to see him for long, thanks for work and life, I will get a least an hour or 2 with him which is better than nothing. : )
I came down with a horrible migraine yesterday, had tears the whole hour drive home. It was horrible. My medicine was helping, but only if I kept taking it. I took 3 pills that day and did not want to take more. I just got home as quickly as I could. My man had enough service to call and though I don’t want to ruin his trip, I just cried. I hurt so bad. He felt bad too since he couldn’t be here to help take care of me (something he says he loves to do, he’ll swear by it!). I didn’t want him to know I was suffering but I couldn’t take it anymore. Besides, he could tell in my voice that I was in pain, he knows me too well to even try to hide that.
Today I’m better, hurting some but it’s a functioning migraine. I hope to make it through work today and go home for some much needed rest and sleep. When my man gets back things will get better! I’m looking forward to that. Then we both return to work for two day straight. It’s hard going this long without seeing him, but it happens. After tomorrow I’m not sure when I’ll see him again because I’m sending his butt to his other job (at least during the day) before they cut him. He wanted this new job, so I want to make sure he keeps it. I won’t stand in the way of that. Maybe in the evening we’ll have a chance to see each other before we return to work for a few more days.
It’s nights like tonight that make me miss him most and wish we had a “normal” relationship. I love nights when I get to stay with him. He holds me close all night long and rubs my back until I fall asleep. He usually rubs my back to wake me up in the morning too, it sure beats my alarm clock! Nights with him don’t feel so empty, they make me happy, remind we how normal life for us can be.
I wish we had more quality time together, recently that has been lacking and I’m seriously missing time spent in his arms. That’s my safe place, it’s where I know I can’t be hurt. His arms are my happy place, if I’m having a bad day they will fix that. I can feel both his strength and caring from within. I know when I’m there that he will never let anything happen to me, ever. Tonight I could use those arms as thoughts of my past wonder into my mind.
My past…over time it will be visited but it’s far too much for one post. I am working with an amazing friend, who also happens to be a counselor, to move on and fix my life. Oddly enough, he is the same age as my man, but I swear I’m not one of those people that just seeks out older men. I’ve very mature for my age, in all aspects but emotions…I’m still a “child” in that department, but working hard to fix that. Anyway, I have friends that are older, several that are younger…we all mix wonderfully! And several of my friends love hanging out with me and my older man! They think he is great, and especially great for me! I just wish everyone saw that, instead of focusing on our age difference…
I’ve made a decision, and my man is supporting me fully, that if my family wants to treat me back because of who I choose to be with, then they can deal without me in their life. I will only come around when they can accept me and us as we are. I will no long let them control my life and my emotions!