Search and Rescue

This may not have been the “week from hell” but thanks to my mother it was pretty damn close! What a bitch!! And before you question me, I have spent years of abuse and if you ask any of her friends, they will tell you what they told, my parents should not be allowed to have me. But that is a story you can’t find if you read back, sharing it now only makes me angry.

This week I tested for a job, one that I am not likely to get, being a girl and not have a $5000 piece of paper that says u attended “their” training, though my training is the same because it all resulted in state certification. It’s hard to explain but a total pain in the ass. Over 150 people tested!! Yes, a lot!!! An only the top 30 move to the next of a 4 step process. I doubt I did we’ll enough, but well see in a few weeks.

After all that, I joined my man on a road trip. I was in a bad mood, which was entirely my mothers fault, again! I apologized and he took me to a few caches along the way. That helped, until we got to our destination. Then the people hiding the caches had me worked up more. One of them cheated to get their cache published.

It was our first stop, a cache that has yet to be found. The coordinates put you in the middle of a field, literally!! So after an hour search of the nearest trees, we got nothing. E-mailed the cacher owner only to get a message back later that read: “I know the coordinates are off, I had to do that to get it published because it fell too close to another cache.” WFT?! Seriously??? It’s an entire HUGE open section with PLENTY of areas to hide and you have to cheat???? Fuck you!

So we moved on to other caches there, all hidden by the same person, after two caches I said, “fuck this” and quit! I think you should be required so many finds before you can hide a cache. And you need to be slightly smarter than a fucking monkey! This person clearly had very little knowledge of caching! The first of their cache put me in the middle of a field between 3 sections of trees, all about 50 feet away! Ugh! After several searches, I found it on pure luck. Off to the next. Same damn thing! GPS put me in a damn field!!! Read the hint…the item that matches the hint is a good 75 feet or more away! Are you freaking kidding???? I posted a note that said, “This is the second of your caches I have tried today. I am not logging this as a DNF because I didn’t truly look, but I suggest you update your coordinate because ALL of them are off!”

I know, the GPS takes you to the general location then you search from there, but fuck! This wasn’t even getting me in a general location!!!! I’m not dealing with that every time. You’re coordinates need to be somewhat close! Damn!

So he took me home after that, held me tight for a while to calm me down from my mother. He also fed me, it was my first full meal in 2 days, and my stomach did not take to it well! I was SO sick! It was horrible!!

I spent today complete alone like a loser. I was not invited to any parties, my man had to work, and I was suppose to be studying. I’m getting really nervous for my next critical care test, which is this week! : ( I’m scared! Flipping out! I’m panicking!! I feel like I know nothing!! But right now I’m preparing for another test too! 3 in one week is just stupid!!!!

This week I test for another job. Yes, not including the last test, this is a whole different department. The pay sucks, the drive is far, but the people are nice and it beats hell job! So I’m trying! I won’t jinx myself, but the Assistant Chief seems to like me and I’m helping her study for this next test, let’s hope it is enough! I need something! Anything!!!

My aunt and uncle invited me on a cruise this summer. Problem is I need a buddy to go along, to make it cheaper, and I have none. My cousin suggested I take my man, but we know the family won’t like that. I have no friends, and none that are responsible with money to be able to afford it. Hell, I can’t afford it now anymore either! I’m bummed, it was going to be my escape, a time to relax, and instead I’m stuck here…in hell. Never an escape.

Sometimes the internet is a great search tool, other times not so much. This time not so much. I want to find search teams that work you a couple months out of the year, I would love to do this!! All the teams around me are volunteer only, which is great but I already volunteer and it takes money. Money I don’t have. You have to buy your own equipment, tools, uniform, lodging, gas, vehicle…everything you have to pay for. Can’t do that. So I would like to know, do you know of any? I think it would be a great experience! So let me know. I would love to do this!!

Frustrated, Confused, and SO Lost!

Well good evening my blogging friends. I’m exhausted to past the stage of being able to sleep. I’m hyped up and restless.

Critical care is kicking my ass!! Though we had an AMAZING teacher today!!! I feel really good about what he taught, it’s the other stuff I’m nervous about. I’m horrible with numbers, given my dyslexia, so lab values are kicking my ass! I’m just trying to study as much as I can but one can only take so much at a time.

I got home from class today to find out my mother didn’t pick up the dog food…yea, had no idea the dogs ran out YESTERDAY!! Ugh! Poor babies are hungry! Been living off the crumbs in the bag apparently! I’m pissed! And by the time I found out it was too late to go to the store. Bitch! Can’t get them fucking food, but she sure can go out drinking EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! Yes, EVERY night this week and for many before! I fucking hate her! I scraped up some treats, cooked some meat, then caved and stole dog food from my dad’s house. They are eating…that’s all that matters. I hope the bitch goes tomorrow to pick them up food. If not, well I’d rather starve myself, so they will eat and I won’t. It’s $58 I don’t have, because she feeds them the expensive stuff, so I guess for a week or more I will just deal with what ever scraps I can find. I’ve been living off noodles, stale bread, and old soup for a few weeks now. I’m used to it.

Other than that, life is just…normal. Hell job sucks, people suck, school is going good…ish, and I’m just getting through it day one at a time. For now…sleep before another full day of studying…and maybe a break or a few for some Xbox, aka stress relief, time.

Good night all!

Good Evening!

I have been exceptionally quiet lately…sorry. I also want to apologize now, this post might be all over, like my thoughts tonight. I’m all over and I’ve maxed out on my medication so I’m going to attempt to blog some instead of running around the house like a mad person trying to do the billion things on my list! Let’s start with the beginning, shall we.

Critical care paramedic class…just shoot me now. The first day of class they told us how horrible the class is, how tough the tests are, how we can kiss our life good bye, how we’ll want to shoot ourselves (great, add that to the list), and how it’s basically a TWO YEAR Critical Care RN class put into 12 weeks of ONE DAY a week, 9-5 class…just wonderful. So, shoot me now?? Any takers? Just kidding…for now. So if I’m quiet, you know why. In fact, I will probably be very quiet, or I should be very quiet if I want to pass this crap. But for now, a break from studying and my blog to help.

While sitting though day one of this class I started thinking about EMT class. I used to think it was going to be so tough. I thought I’d never know that crap, I was scared and had no idea how I’d make it. Well, I made it and pretty close to top of my class. I ended EMT class with a 98%. It all seemed to come so natural to me, like many things. Then I started Paramedic, scared to hell. I was extremely scared. Somehow I managed to get through that too with an A as well. I don’t remember the exact grade, but I was second in my class with an A. Not too bad. I feel like I know nothing but I managed to make it through

Now I have started Critical Care class, what are my thoughts? My first…what the hell did I get myself into?!?! My second…I’ll never make it through this. And my third…I can do this. Maybe not well, but I can do this. My man promised to help me through this too. I hope this all goes good too, so if you don’t hear from me…I’m either studying, releasing anger in Call of Duty, or geocaching. If you hear from me, then I’m avoiding all of the above.

I spent the last two days geocaching and some nightmare caches. Day one, it was a difficulty of 5 and a terrain of 4.5. Holy shit! It kicked my ass! Went though this post apocalyptic area that was just…weird. But I’m so glad I got that one out of the way and I talked a geocacher I recently met into going. We had fun. Then day two I got talked into a nightmare cache around here that has only been found 30 times in the 3 years it’s been out. Not only is it a difficulty of 5 with a terrain of 5 (more like 20!!!), but it’s a multi stage and when you get to each stage there is a nightmare puzzle to solve too! I skipped the first 6 stages because I was working, but I helped them solve the puzzles each time. I finally joined for stage 7 and that took over 2 hours to hike to, then we couldn’t figure the puzzle out so we headed back to the cars. Soon we will be going back to finish steps 8-11 and hopefully have that damn thing in our hands! I will be glad to have that one done too.

Oh, did I mention that both days I hiked with my full pack (16lbs) just in case, given the terrain, and the one day I had to carry my mom’s dog because she refused to walk. That was an additional 8lbs to carry. Ugh. Wish I could take just my pup caching because he loves it, but mom won’t allow that. So what’s in my pack to make it weigh that much? Well, a few things everyone should carry and more stuff geared for caching. A small survival kit (needle, string, wire, mirror, whistle, fire starter, cotton balls, etc), a multi tool, lighter, knife, flashlight, water, emergency food (taffy, crackers), 75 feet and 25 feet of webbing, 3 life safety carabiners, paracord sections in random lengths, medical kit (gauze rolls, gauze pads, large trauma pads, bandaids, neosporin, burn gel, emergency blanket, tap, coban, gloves, etc), SPOT device (highly recommended if you are going without cell service), geocaching items (containers, trade items, etc), waterproof box with medicine, and of course my guns, both of them to be exact plus some ammo. I have more stuff, but that’s the basic of it all. I keep it well packed.

Now, for a completely unrelated story, I have to talk about a patient I had, another one that changed my life. This patient is 102 years old. Yes, you read that right and I wrote it right. One HUNDRED and two YEARS old. And he was amazing. Lived alone, took care of himself, fought in the war, watched the flag get put up at Iwo Jima, had no water or electricity in his house until he was in his late 40’s, and had stories of growing up that I wish I could have heard more of. This was one incredible man. When I was leaving I told him to have a great holiday and happy early birthday, to which he responded, “You too, but I think this is going to be my last.” I didn’t know what to say, I was shocked, and he knew it because he had a great response. “I saw on tv an man was 111 and voted, I don’t think I’ll make it that long. And besides, I’ve lived a good life and after you hit 100 there isn’t much further to go from there. I’ve lived my life time, now I’m ready to join my wife.” He was just amazing. He said he wished him and his wife could have had kids, but they couldn’t afford it. He said that is his only regret in life, but his wife did have 1 kid when they married, so he said he didn’t completely miss out on that. I need to check up on him, he was amazing.

Spending time with this man had me thinking about my childhood and what I miss from that time. I miss play Nintendo, the original. My sister broke it about 6 years ago, but ours still worked until then. My brother then sold off all the games, I still hate him for that. I slept with all my stuffed animals because I didn’t want one to be left out. I had that pen with all four colors in it and I always tired to push them all at one time. I used to watch rain drops fall down the window and act like they were racing. I used the soda cap as my shot glass. The computer was strictly used for paint and boy was that fun. I miss my Tamagotchi. When we swallowed a fruit seed we were convinced that a plant was going to grow in our stomach. The street lights meant it was time to go home. We could, and did, play outside for hours, it was acceptable and allowed without worry. I miss those days, the simple times. I want that for my kids, I want them to be able to have the childhood (minus my parents abuse) in the world I did. I don’t want technology to run their life.IMG_1962

I wish I could go back to my childhood and not have to work. Hell job is still a fucking nightmare! I’ll know with this next schedule if that bitch is screwing me over on purpose. I pray she doesn’t because then I’d have to go to the higher Chief, the real one, the good one, but the scary one. I just can’t freaking wait to get away from this bitch, or get her away from me. I just don’t want to deal with this anymore! She makes me want to jump off a cliff! I can’t stand even thinking about her! But…there may be hope. It just so happens that one person in my critical care class hires on a department around me. She offered to bring me an application, asked about my hours available, and all that stuff. I sure hope this is good news for me! It’s quit a drive, a little bit further than the job I like, but I’ll take anything right now. I need the fuck away from that bitch.

I don’t need help because of calls I’ve ran, that’s not killing me. What’s killing me are the people inside, the one’s I’m suppose to be able to work with and talk to about the calls we ran together. The one’s that are suppose to be helping me are the one’s that are killing me. They have caused me hours of planning my death, they have ruined so many good days, they are just ruining me. I work hard, I bust my ass every day, and for what? To be called names, talked about, ignored, and treated like the dirt they walk in. I’ve had some tough calls, but it hasn’t gotten to me like this assholes. I’ve done more research, on ADHD, PTSD, and abuse. The abuse makes all this worse, but these people from work have become the new abuser. I’ve escaped most of the problems with my parents, but now I have a new problem. I’m stuck fighting this battle alone too because no one is here to help me…again. I just want to be able to get away from this all! I promise not to use plan one, now to find another. For now…class, my focus will stay there.

But now it’s time for me to finish studying because tomorrow is death by text book. Another day of class, I’m ready to get past all this legal crap and start learning. This is why I didn’t become a lawyer like I had originally planned…I’m just not into the legal crap.

Good night my readers. I hope all is well. Know I am reading your stuff, I just may not be able to respond, but I am reading.

Firefighting the Second-Most Stressful Job in the Nation, White Paper Reports

One more for your reading…maybe this one will help you think twice when voting on fire department taxes.

A new job-stress report by CareerCast.com found that firefighters have the second most-stressful job in the country, exceeded only by those enrolled in the military.

The job-stress white paper states that 36% of all workers admit they feel tense or stressed out during their workdays, with 20% reporting that their average daily level of stress is an 8, 9 or 10 on a 10-point scale. Tony Lee, publisher of CareerCast.com — a free job website — said researchers at the University of Wisconsin–Madison regularly research and update statistics for the report. Researchers use 11 different stress factors to compile data, which includes whether the job has high physical demands, what environmental issues are present, the amount of hazards, risk to life, hiring outlook and more.

Lee said firefighters ranked second on the job stress scale because they take on dangerous and complex fires, often coming in contact with poisonous gases or other hazardous materials for a relatively low salary, at about $45,250 annually. Whether it’s running into burning buildings to save lives, putting out raging fires or responding to a serious accident, firefighters are under pressure to put their lives on the line to save others, he said.

What helped move firefighters up to the second spot was their level of stress coupled with the threat of job loss. Lee said while it is an incredibly “tough job,” many firefighters “may not be able to keep it because of budget cutbacks and municipalities’ and counties’ inability to keep all their firefighters,” he said. “So that adds to the stress level even more.”

CareerCast ranked firefighting as the most-stressful occupation in 2010.

Cold and Alone

It’s cold here. Snow in the forecast. I used to love the snow! Now I love so little.

I was sitting in this hell hole, studying, avoiding people, and thinking. I thought about why I can’t do it, why I can’t end it all. My conclusion? I care. I care too damn much!! That and I made a promise.

Why do I care so much? Why do I let assholes effect me? Is this something I am going to have to deal with forever? Is it from the abuse? Or am I just that weak of a person? Why can’t I just say “fuck you” and walk away??

I’m hurting still. And hate doing this to my man. He says he just wants me happy, I just want to be happy, people keep robbing that. I just want to laugh like I always do. I just want the sunshine people. Why must people work so hard to keep taking that?!? And it’s always the same assholes! Every fucking time!! And when they have run out of reasons or things to do…they get someone else involved.

I hope they all fucking suffer in their stupid miserable lives!! My life is tough enough! They can stop fucking with what I have left already!