Just One Thing

It may sound odd to you, and I honestly have no idea why I’m talking about it right now, but if I could have just one thing in this life it would be to meet Betty White.

Crazy? Yes, I know I am, but I’ve wanted to meet her my whole life. I know this will never happen, I don’t have the money to make this happen and I never will but she looks SO much like my grandma it’s scary! And she’s just…well, awesome! Who doesn’t love Betty White? Her show brings a good laugh, all her movies are funny. I grew up watching her when I was younger, grandma raised us on Golden Girls. Remember that show? I do! : )

Betty White…stay awesome! And maybe one day, if I’m extremely lucky I’ll get to meet you!

Happy Halloween!

I’m sorry I have been absent, so much to say and no time to type it all out! Damn you ADHD! And fuck that doctor! I’m out of meds and it is totally ruining my life…I’m trying SO had to control myself and it is NOT working! I’m so frustrated! I want to control this better! And I’m coming down with a sore throat, it feels like I’ve been screaming for hours, I know it’s laryngitis, I’ve had it too many times to count. My chest has been hurting, feels tight, and I feel my heart hasn’t been beating right. I’ve had this before. My stomach hurts, I can’t eat. I don’t know what is causing all this stress. Money? Work? Life? My bitch mother? I just need a fucking break from everything!

My Life in a Nutshell

Boy has life been busy! In the past 19 days I have worked 18 of them. Apparently everyone decided to give me shifts at the exact same time, then several people called for me to pick up shifts and stupid me couldn’t say no. But that’s ok, I have two days off, picked up another 3, then two more off. I need the money SO bad right now, I just have to deal with it. Fuck you Obamacare! You fucked me over royally! I hope you get impeached! You are by far the WORST President we have ever had! And NO, your color has nothing to do with it…you’re just a fucking idiot! There, I said it. And if you tell me I’m work, I have plenty of evidence to prove you wrong. You need to educated yourself.

Anyway, back to my life. So I’m keeping busy with work. Joys. I’m really looking forward to next weekend. My man and I are going on our little camping trip to get away and talk. He said he left like he did in hopes that I would find a “nice young man” to date. He said he loves me so much he wanted to do “what was best for me” but as we know, that wasn’t exactly what was best or how to handle it best. He’s back in my life because he realized it wasn’t the best for me, but he wants me to stay open to finding someone. I am really looking forward to this trip though, time to get away from this world!

This fall I am going to Michigan for my photography. My man is taking me, he wants to encourage my photography and he loves my work, so he is taking me up there to get some pictures he wants and is encouraging me to take many more while I am there. I’m really excited about this because we have some really nice locations planned and I’m ready to take some more pictures. It has been a while, I just haven’t felt like it really. So I’m ready to get out there and get some more. In a new place too! If I haven’t shared my photography page with you and you want to see it, please e-mail me or comment with your e-mail and I will share it. I have a Facebook page and Instagram too that I share my work on, some pictures can be ordered directly from a website too if you like the work. If you just want to see it and not buy it’s cool, I just like sharing my pictures.

Finally, despite working a million days in a row I am keeping up with the Geocaching challenge, I have 13 caches for the 13 days of August so far, how many have you gotten? It’s tough keeping up with working but I’m going strong!

When Seconds Count (Shared)

I read this story today and I have to share it with you! I love reading stories by patients, about paramedics that do an exceptional job of taking care of them! My first boss instilled the “customer service” upon me. See…people don’t care that you got the big IV, or knew which part of their heart was being attacked, or how many hours of schooling you went to…what they care about is how they were TREATED! How friendly you were, how you took care of their needs, how you made them feel comfortable…that’s what the patient cares about! I can’t stand when I’m stuck with a partner that can’t be nice, it’s simple! Be nice to the patient AND their family! So here is the story I just read, please take a moment to read it for yourself, and see the link below if you want to go to the page where I found the article. Thank you.

After a crazy-busy Saturday, lying in bed late at night watching Big Brother was a welcomed retreat while browsing Twitter on my iPad. A peaceful, relaxing night until suddenly, a daze fell over me almost leaving me feeling like I couldn’t breathe with sharp pains traveling through my chest, clammy skin and an immense amount of dizziness. I’d never felt like this before. After a few steps out of my bed, I found myself lying on the ground holding my chest trying to remedy the excruciating sharp pains. I couldn’t move, breathe, talk. It hurt too much. Everything hurt.

Minutes later with the unbearable pain not subsiding, I look up to see two paramedics and three firefighters running up my stairs towards me. “Patrick, can you tell me what’s wrong?” queried one paramedic. Sharp pain still ran through my chest, sweat still pouring off me like I had just run a marathon, my head pounding. Next thing I know, both paramedics had me sitting up with ECG leads placed on me from head to toe. “This is going to make you feel better,” said one paramedic as he placed an oxygen mask over my mouth.

Wrapped up in blankets in the back of the ambulance, the paramedic with me in the back chatted about The Sopranos and other random topics in an effort to keep me calm while I was connected to an array of cords and monitors. While he continued to reassure me that everything would be OK, it hit me; when the paramedics were dispatched to my call, they had no idea what they were going to deal with. They didn’t know me — I was a complete stranger to them. Yet they treated me like I was a close family member.

Simply put, how can someone care so much for someone they don’t even know? While so many try to avoid trauma, paramedics put themselves into harms way to help those in need and at the end of each call, they may never know what happens to the patient. Tasked with saving the patient’s life, it’s no easy fete. They work feverishly for the crucial moments they are with the patient, before doctors and nurses can intervene.

Lying on the stretcher in the hospital, I didn’t notice the two paramedics who worked so hard making sure I was OK, slip out. I didn’t get to thank them for helping me when I was in such pain — for making sure I didn’t feel anymore frightened than I had to be and for being there when I needed them. Although I didn’t get to thank them, they didn’t want to be thanked — me being fine was thanks enough.

To all the paramedics and emergency responders who risk their lives, miss family gatherings, work long hours and experience such trauma with every call, thank you. You truly are the people who run in when everyone is running out when seconds count. You dedicate your lives to helping people when they are at their lowest, and you work every shift saving lives.

So to the two paramedics from Durham Region, Ontario who treated me like their own child and who whispered to each other when I was in a groggy daze, “I was worried for him” — thank you. Thank you for being there and thank you for caring. Thank you for making such a scary experience that much easier.

It’s when seconds count that it all matters.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/patrick-mott/teen-health-scare_b_3644810.html

Emergency Surgery

I know I have some e-mails from a few of you and I’m very sorry I haven’t answered. I will get to that today, I promise. If this doesn’t make much sense, I’m sorry, I’m loving these drugs! I woke up sweating, vomiting, and just felt like death, it was horrible. Tried getting ready for work and had to call off. Felt a knot on my jaw and knew something was horribly wrong.

I have my parents horrible teeth! I HATE it!! I had my teeth cleaned and check two weeks ago and they said everything was “fine”…apparently not. My dentist said he thinks “there’s an abscess but he’s not concerned.” WTF?!?! Called in an antibiotic and told me see an oral surgeon within the week. That in itself has been a nightmare.

The closest places either didn’t accept my insurance or didn’t have any appointments for 4-6 weeks!!! Are you kidding me???? Apparently those stupid receptionists have no idea what an EMERGENCY is!! I was NOT looking forward to this after the nightmare of my wisdom teeth. Finally found a guy that was a little over an hour away and man am I glad I saw him!!

Found out the assholes at Anthem STILL had my insurance fucked up! Which is why this tooth wasn’t care for properly the first time when I broke it. Went to my appointment and was told it’s denied because I have a 12-month waiting period on insurance I have had since 2010!! Are you fucking kidding me!! I cried! Right there in the office! Just broke down! I was in pain, scared, and couldn’t afford this shit! They agreed to do the work and if the insurance didn’t get fixed I would be billed later. Thank you God!

The doctor was AMAZING!! Offered to fix the tooth properly but I have had so many problems that I just wanted it out. He pulled it for me. He’s going to work with me on getting an implant put in. I also have TMJ from my car accident, which he was asking about, he is going to fix that too! Said if someone had made me a simple splint 10 years ago, then I wouldn’t have any of the problems I’ve had these days. I sure hope he can fix it, that might help my migraines. I sure hope so!

So now I’m recovering and not doing too bad other than being tired. Recovering on my own because no one has time for me. Oh well, that’s my fault. So if you sent me an e-mail, I will be replying soon. Just so tired, but I promise soon. I’m sorry.

There’s One At Every Job

Well today officially ruined every love for the new job! I just can’t escape bitches!! It’s wearing me down!

So I had several days of orientation at the new job and all was going great! Loved the people, they have been wonderful to us! Almost ALL of the equipment is stuff I have/do use and apparently that is the problem.

I found out today that an employee was complaining to several people and said I’m a “snobby, know it all”. Why did she say this?? Well she showed us the equipment on the trucks and kept asking, “Has anyone used this before?” Well…I have…on every single thing she showed us. Honestly, I have used it all…so that makes me a snobby, know it all. Was I suppose to lie?! I mean she asked…it’s not my fault I’ve been trained on it and use it already.

I found out she has been a problem in the past and my fellow new hire doesn’t care for her. There has been talk of “problem employees” and to stay away from them…well I know one of them now. I will never say a work to or in front of her again…ever.

It just pisses me off! Fucking woman!! EMS is the worse! They are so fucking territorial and get pissy and downright evil when other woman get hired on. Well now we all know who one of them is…

What Now?

Why must life be so complicated? So confusing? How did I fall in love with a man nearly twice my age? How did this happen? If you had told me this would happen, I never would have believe you, but love is blind. It’s not his age, it’s how we get along, it’s how he cares, truly cares about me.

Recently I had problems with my man, he forgot my graduation and planned a trip instead. We have the same problems every relationship has, we have disagreement but we move on. The one thing that is different about our relationship is the age and how that part effects our lives. He has expressed concern about how other people might see our relationship and doesn’t want it to hurt me. I really don’t care if they hate our relationship, it’s not theirs. I have had trouble with my family, but they were piss poor anyway so who cares? Honestly, if they left my life would be better off.

We have discussed recently some other problems that come into play with an age gap relationship. Children. I have always wanted to be a mom! I want at least 3 kids, I want to give them everything I didn’t have, love, kindness, and a parent that cares. My original plan in life was to work part time and home school them, but plans change. Life changes. At first my man said how much he wanted to raise a family with me, how he knows what a great mom I’ll be.

Recently he claims to have been thinking a lot and isn’t sure kids are a good idea. I completely see his side, he’s close to retirement, how can he afford kids and raise them? That is his concern. That and he can’t stand to leave me behind, if something happened, if he were called up early in life. I told him that will be figured out if/when that time comes, God forbid. I could marry someone my age and lose them in a car accident, or they walk out on me. Life is uncertain. He saw this when his coworker lost her husband this week, he died at the young age of 40, leaving her to raise their 10 year old son alone. That’s life, it happens. Does it hurt? Yes, but I have come to accept the fact that people die. It is life’s cycle, some are just able to keep it away longer. I would rather spend the time we both have on this earth together.

He told me he would stick around until I found someone, that he loves me enough to let me go and not hold me back from my plans in life. That hurts me, in a way I can’t explain. I don’t want to find someone else, I have the person I want in life. He did tell me that if I were to find someone else he would be very concerned about how I’m treated, how well they take care of me, and how he would worry all the time if I’m happy.

Regardless of what he says, I know what my heart wants. I know who I want to be with for whatever time I have on this earth. I know what I want and I refuse to let it go.

Search and Rescue

This may not have been the “week from hell” but thanks to my mother it was pretty damn close! What a bitch!! And before you question me, I have spent years of abuse and if you ask any of her friends, they will tell you what they told, my parents should not be allowed to have me. But that is a story you can’t find if you read back, sharing it now only makes me angry.

This week I tested for a job, one that I am not likely to get, being a girl and not have a $5000 piece of paper that says u attended “their” training, though my training is the same because it all resulted in state certification. It’s hard to explain but a total pain in the ass. Over 150 people tested!! Yes, a lot!!! An only the top 30 move to the next of a 4 step process. I doubt I did we’ll enough, but well see in a few weeks.

After all that, I joined my man on a road trip. I was in a bad mood, which was entirely my mothers fault, again! I apologized and he took me to a few caches along the way. That helped, until we got to our destination. Then the people hiding the caches had me worked up more. One of them cheated to get their cache published.

It was our first stop, a cache that has yet to be found. The coordinates put you in the middle of a field, literally!! So after an hour search of the nearest trees, we got nothing. E-mailed the cacher owner only to get a message back later that read: “I know the coordinates are off, I had to do that to get it published because it fell too close to another cache.” WFT?! Seriously??? It’s an entire HUGE open section with PLENTY of areas to hide and you have to cheat???? Fuck you!

So we moved on to other caches there, all hidden by the same person, after two caches I said, “fuck this” and quit! I think you should be required so many finds before you can hide a cache. And you need to be slightly smarter than a fucking monkey! This person clearly had very little knowledge of caching! The first of their cache put me in the middle of a field between 3 sections of trees, all about 50 feet away! Ugh! After several searches, I found it on pure luck. Off to the next. Same damn thing! GPS put me in a damn field!!! Read the hint…the item that matches the hint is a good 75 feet or more away! Are you freaking kidding???? I posted a note that said, “This is the second of your caches I have tried today. I am not logging this as a DNF because I didn’t truly look, but I suggest you update your coordinate because ALL of them are off!”

I know, the GPS takes you to the general location then you search from there, but fuck! This wasn’t even getting me in a general location!!!! I’m not dealing with that every time. You’re coordinates need to be somewhat close! Damn!

So he took me home after that, held me tight for a while to calm me down from my mother. He also fed me, it was my first full meal in 2 days, and my stomach did not take to it well! I was SO sick! It was horrible!!

I spent today complete alone like a loser. I was not invited to any parties, my man had to work, and I was suppose to be studying. I’m getting really nervous for my next critical care test, which is this week! : ( I’m scared! Flipping out! I’m panicking!! I feel like I know nothing!! But right now I’m preparing for another test too! 3 in one week is just stupid!!!!

This week I test for another job. Yes, not including the last test, this is a whole different department. The pay sucks, the drive is far, but the people are nice and it beats hell job! So I’m trying! I won’t jinx myself, but the Assistant Chief seems to like me and I’m helping her study for this next test, let’s hope it is enough! I need something! Anything!!!

My aunt and uncle invited me on a cruise this summer. Problem is I need a buddy to go along, to make it cheaper, and I have none. My cousin suggested I take my man, but we know the family won’t like that. I have no friends, and none that are responsible with money to be able to afford it. Hell, I can’t afford it now anymore either! I’m bummed, it was going to be my escape, a time to relax, and instead I’m stuck here…in hell. Never an escape.

Sometimes the internet is a great search tool, other times not so much. This time not so much. I want to find search teams that work you a couple months out of the year, I would love to do this!! All the teams around me are volunteer only, which is great but I already volunteer and it takes money. Money I don’t have. You have to buy your own equipment, tools, uniform, lodging, gas, vehicle…everything you have to pay for. Can’t do that. So I would like to know, do you know of any? I think it would be a great experience! So let me know. I would love to do this!!

Frustrated, Confused, and SO Lost!

Well good evening my blogging friends. I’m exhausted to past the stage of being able to sleep. I’m hyped up and restless.

Critical care is kicking my ass!! Though we had an AMAZING teacher today!!! I feel really good about what he taught, it’s the other stuff I’m nervous about. I’m horrible with numbers, given my dyslexia, so lab values are kicking my ass! I’m just trying to study as much as I can but one can only take so much at a time.

I got home from class today to find out my mother didn’t pick up the dog food…yea, had no idea the dogs ran out YESTERDAY!! Ugh! Poor babies are hungry! Been living off the crumbs in the bag apparently! I’m pissed! And by the time I found out it was too late to go to the store. Bitch! Can’t get them fucking food, but she sure can go out drinking EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! Yes, EVERY night this week and for many before! I fucking hate her! I scraped up some treats, cooked some meat, then caved and stole dog food from my dad’s house. They are eating…that’s all that matters. I hope the bitch goes tomorrow to pick them up food. If not, well I’d rather starve myself, so they will eat and I won’t. It’s $58 I don’t have, because she feeds them the expensive stuff, so I guess for a week or more I will just deal with what ever scraps I can find. I’ve been living off noodles, stale bread, and old soup for a few weeks now. I’m used to it.

Other than that, life is just…normal. Hell job sucks, people suck, school is going good…ish, and I’m just getting through it day one at a time. For now…sleep before another full day of studying…and maybe a break or a few for some Xbox, aka stress relief, time.

Good night all!