I’m Giving Up

When I first got into this field I volunteered 6 months on the ambulance waiting for them to hire me. I have fought for every job I have to prove myself. Every day I work my ass off, cleaning, working, doing everyone else’s work. I volunteer to help all the time, do extra hours, volunteer time, stay around to help, but does it matter? Does it mean anything?

No. It never does and it never will.

I see people all the time get hired, never having to volunteer. People say what excellent employees they are, but I see them sitting around all the time. Zero experience and just walk into a job. They get full time while I’m busting my ass to stay on the part time list.

It pisses me off! More than I can ever explain! More than it probably should. I can’t explain the hurt inside me, the feeling of being forgotten. I can’t stop the pain and I can’t explain why it’s so strong. Tonight I can’t handle it anymore. I’m done! I give up! I quit! I’ll never be good enough, ever. It’s as simple as that.

Advertisements

Max Anxiety

Do you remember that asshole I worked with that put his hands on me? I don’t feel like finding the post and tagging it, but any one that has followed me for a while might remember. He was fired for other reasons and I couldn’t have been more excited. Well, recently I found out he was fighting for his job back, and more recently I was told it looks like the asswipe may actually get his damn job back. You have no idea the anxiety this has brought me!

I have a contract with them, which is the only reason I haven’t quit hell job. Well basically if he comes back, I’m determined to get out of this contract and not have to pay them back! I don’t know if this is possible, any lawyer followers out there? My contract isn’t too specific, it definitely doesn’t cover something like this. I REFUSE to ever see his nasty face again!

It’s been some busy days at all my jobs for me, and the anxiety from this is effecting my sleep and eating. I’m suppose to be trying to gain weight but between this and the stomach flu that finally found me, I lost all the weight I had finally started to put on. I hate this so much. I’m going to go back to work to try to keep myself busy. Have a great Monday everyone.

30 Day Challenge: Day 4

20131212-192026.jpg

My dream job…

I don’t know that I’ve ever had a “dream job”, I wanted to be everything growing up, I still do. I wanted to join the military, a car accident ruined that. I wanted to be a professional photographer. I wanted anything that helped me travel the world! I wanted to open a dog shelter and help dogs. I wanted to be a professional motocross racer. I wanted to be more things than I can remember.

I can say that except for the politics and asshole employees, I LOVE my current job! It is basically a dream job. However, if I could become anything, I want to be a doctor. If I could afford it, I’d be in school for that right now. But the next best thing? Being a paramedic and running my truck. I can’t do hospital work, I like making decisions and being on my own. If I became a doctor I would totally travel to take care of the less fortunate. So I guess that is basically my “dream job”.

Happy Halloween!

I’m sorry I have been absent, so much to say and no time to type it all out! Damn you ADHD! And fuck that doctor! I’m out of meds and it is totally ruining my life…I’m trying SO had to control myself and it is NOT working! I’m so frustrated! I want to control this better! And I’m coming down with a sore throat, it feels like I’ve been screaming for hours, I know it’s laryngitis, I’ve had it too many times to count. My chest has been hurting, feels tight, and I feel my heart hasn’t been beating right. I’ve had this before. My stomach hurts, I can’t eat. I don’t know what is causing all this stress. Money? Work? Life? My bitch mother? I just need a fucking break from everything!

Good Evening My Followers

How is life treating each of you? My life is going ok, just been busy. I have so much to catch up on! I’m working like crazy but still trying to catch up on bills from when I wasn’t working then I had car trouble. My old car. Still nothing wrong with the engine, that beast just won’t die! lol But it seems someone is cutting my valve stems…I had to buy two new tires three weeks ago, had to buy another tire again this week. I am getting very frustrated and falling much further behind because I just started breaking even! May I wish I could just catch up…don’t we all. I’m working practically every single day and still not quit there, but that’s ok. I’m working hard and will get myself out of this…some how. Life just likes adding challenges when a person is finally trying to pull through.

Other than work, life involves sleep…that’s about it. Honestly. I have so much on my mind I want to share here but either don’t have the ability to type it all out or am just too freaking tired to do so. Work is keeping my butt moving…non stop…literally! People need to stop calling 911! Well, not all of them. The problem is the people that don’t need the ambulance are the ones that freaking call, all the time, several times a week! But the ones that do need it won’t call until it’s too late. That will get me on a rant about our damn system in this country…not only has the government fucked us all! I get to deal with those lazy ass free loaders all damn day! But I will save that for another time…for now…have a good night! I’m exhausted and need sleep before work…again! Take care all!

Holiday Weekend

How are my blogging friends? I hope all is well. I have been pretty quiet lately, mostly because I don’t know how to get everything out of my head. It’s just one freaking mess right now! I’m doing ok, overall, but I’m just a mess in my head.  I can’t get anything right and get it out. I just don’t know where to start.

What’s new with me?

Still loving this new job!

Still hating hell job!

Still caching as much as I can!

Still working on a cache series hide!

Still trying to convince my man that I don’t want to find someone else. He says he loves me enough to let me go, he wants me to find someone my age that I can have a full life with, a family, everything I always wanted. I can’t get him to understand that I’ve found the person I want. He’s so good to me, treats me wonderful, makes sure I’m cared for, makes sure I’m happy, loves me. I don’t want to go searching for that again. You know how hard it is to find a decent man??? Actually, to find a man at all?? I swear, all the guys around here are just children!! I’ve never been on for the bar scene and honestly, what kind of people are you going to find that way? I don’t want someone that drinks a lot, it’s not me. Not with the hell I went through with my family, both my parents drink enough for the entire state! So where and how do I find someone? And what if I don’t want to?? My heart doesn’t want to!!