Life…What’s Happening?

I’m here, but not sure what to do with my blog. I guess right now I can start with an update of what has happened and what is going on.

I had a long talk with my man today…a VERY LONG talk! I will still refer to him as my man because right now I don’t know what else to call him. It has been a rough month, but he finally sat down with me and we talked. I did a lot of talking this time and he listened, he finally listened. But I guess I should start back at the beginning, when this all happened. I believe his birthday is what started all this, it’s a significant year for him, but he doesn’t like to celebrate his birthdays for obvious reasons. He doesn’t want to get old, which I don’t like either, but it’s part of life and part of this relationship.

When I think about our relationship, I don’t think about the age gap we have, I look at him as my equal, my best friend, and the one I want my life with. I can’t explain it, but I loved him long before I admitted it to myself. Something about him, we just connected from the beginning. He was the one for me, the one I wanted my life with and the one that was just perfect in so many ways for me! He was my best friend before anything else.

He let the age difference effect him more than I thought. I knew from the beginning that choosing a life with him would be different for me. We were in some different stages of life, but we fit together so perfectly. I knew that I may miss out on some things, but I’ve never been one to go out to the bar. I don’t drink because of my parents so my chances of finding someone my age and someone that doesn’t want to go to the bar all the time is practically impossible. Things just fit with us because of that and so much more.

After our talk today, he said the reason he “left” like he did and hasn’t been in my life, was because he was hoping I would go out and find a nice “young man” that would treat me right. Basically, that backfired. The further away he pushed me and the further away he went, the more I wanted time with him. I just missed him more and more every day. He finally understands now, after this long talk, that his way of handling that wasn’t the right way.

He said he always wants to be in my life, but he thinks it better if I find someone more “suitable” for me but I told him I had what was suitable for me. No one will ever treat me as good as he did, no one will ever love me like he did, no one will ever make me as happy as he has, and no one will ever be what he was to me. I just can’t describe it. I love having him as a friend, but I love him as so much more! I don’t want to find someone else, I don’t need to find someone else. I had everything I wanted but he says I deserve more. I don’t know what more is out there…but I don’t think I need to find it.

Today’s talk went good and we planned a camping trip soon, to get away for a few days and talk about this all. We are taking a trip, to one of our favorite camping spots, where no one knows us, and we are going to talk about it. About all of this, what we are and what we want out of life and what we are going to do. We are going to spend a little time together between then and not make any decisions before that trip. So for now, my life just kind of hangs but I am sure glad he’s finally talking to me about all of this. I hope we can figure it out because I can’t take the pain of not having him in my life.

I would also like to thank everyone that responded to my posts, I’m very sorry I didn’t respond back. I was having a real hard time with all this and I appreciate your kind words and help. Thank you!

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I’m Here…

…how alive I am, well I’m just not sure about that. I’m really sorry if you have e-mailed me and I haven’t answered, I removed myself from all technology for a while and shut my phone off so no one could contact me. I feel so…betrayed, abandoned, lost, hurt, angry, and just a whole mix of things. I don’t want to talk about it so don’t expect anything on here for a little bit. I’m really sorry. I hope all you guys are living life to it’s fullest and having a great time! Take care. I will be back…some time.

Know Your Limit…and Stop

As you know, I recently had that little “surgery” to get that tooth out. It felt SO much better to have out! I’m not happy about what happened, but the problem is “fixed” now…just have to save money and hope I can get an implant now. More money…more bills…just what I don’t need! Oh well I guess…that’s just my life. You would think I would be used to this by now…guess not. The removal went well, doctor said it came out easily and wouldn’t be too hard to recover from, which it wasn’t. It was painful, and sore, but overall it wasn’t horrible. I took the pain meds the first 2 days but after that I used only ibuprofen.

Anyone that works with medicine, you know that high doses of ibuprofen does not mix well with high heat. I had my weekly training for the fire department, no big deal…except for the fact that I forgot I had taken a high dose of ibuprofen…uh oh. Ibuprofen, heat, humidity, and full gear…not a good combination! My body already has a hard time regulating it’s temperature, I can’t fight off the cold or heat since my horrible fever when I was younger. I had a temperature of 106.7…and yes, I am alive today. It was horrible! And I’ve had problems since. It caused a problem at training.

I remember being given a command and saying ok, but never got up. The BC asked if I was ok, I remember telling them yea but just felt so out of it. Then him and someone else picked me up by my coat and drug me over to get my gear off. Stripped off my gear, got cold towels on me, cold fluids slowly and laid me down. They took care of me great and arranged me a ride home and everything. They did great for me! I came home and slept…for hours! Almost didn’t get up the next morning for work. It felt good to finally have some sleep though. I have not been sleeping well at all.

My man decided that he wants me to find someone I can spend my life with, grow old together, have a family…you know…a “normal” relationship. His plan to help me find someone…? Abandoning me. I haven’t see or heard from him much at all. He just took off, has camping, floating, and all these plans with everyone…nothing with me. We had plans for the summer but he changed it all…no longer am I going on vacation because he cancelled that for me. I’m just alone now. Lost and told to go find someone my age. That’s it…that’s his plan. Leaving me…it will fix everything, right?

I’m not happy. I’m hurting. I’m alone. I’m stuck. I’m abandoned. Everyone else has the summer plans made, trips and everything…I now have nothing. The ONLY camping trip we had planned, he cancelled and made plans to go with some new camping group he joined. You have no idea how much that hurts. And how did I fix this hurt? I made sure he knew it! I told him how much it hurt! I told him what he did! I told him how I felt! I let him have it!

What has that done? Nothing. Not a single thing. He has tried to make a few plans…a trip to my favorite swimming location, a small float down a nearby river…but no trips to my favorite river. None of my friends have money to make the trips and go camping with me. They only have money for one trip and have it planned so I’m just here. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t know what to do! I hurt and nothing stops it! i just hurt so bad.

Pissed Off!

I’m pissed off right now! And sick so pardon my language!

I laid in bed all day yesterday, zero strength to get up. I don’t think the antibiotics are working because I’m so sick to my stomach, throwing up, and going back and forth between hot and cold sweats! It started yesterday and hasn’t stopped. I’m not in much pain but I’m so sick and weak I can’t even get myself up out of bed!

I thought I could count on my man to help me…apparently not! He said he had to work, fine no problem. What was he really doing? We worked for about 20 minutes then went hiking! Are you fucking kidding me?? My mom naturally never came home, can’t get ahold of my brother. I have no food to eat because I wasn’t expecting the surgery. I can’t get myself to the story, at least not safely. I literally have only nibbled on some bread and had my last two yogurts today. That is ALL I’ve had since Monday night!!

I’m pissed off beyond belief!! If he’s fucking sick I’m right there caring for him and getting everything he needs, even when I’m stuck working!! Me? I have fucking surgery and he takes off on a fucking hike!!! Don’t even CALL to check up on me!!! Fuck this! I’m done with him and every one else in this stupid fucking life!