Hurting

I’m pissed beyond what words can describe! And so many thoughts are going through my head that I think straight! The best I can do is write, write everything on my mind. So I would like to apologize now, you will be hearing a lot from me, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to do. Writing gets this crap off my mind and it helps keep me alive…for now. I’m just hurting so bad! And I’m so damn angry! I honestly can’t tell you how much longer I can take this! This job, these people are killing me! Literally! If you never hear from me again…well…they were successful!

Another fucking fuck up by the Bitch has me so angry I cried, and screamed, and cried and my poor man had to listen to it all. I didn’t mean to and I feel bad for it, but he says he wants to help me despite what he said before. He said I have every right to sue them (something I never wanted to do) and if they don’t fix these problems then he will be pushing for me to do that. This is the last fuck up they have! The very last fucking one! I’m sick of this shit!

Recap time…first Jackass Captain laid his filthy hands on me! To be more specific…as I was walking past him he pulled me by the hips onto his lap, leaned me forward, slapped my ass, and told me that I’ve “been a bad girl”…real fucking nice! This was AFTER other incidents that I told him to stop. He used to tell me I’d make a nice “MILF” one day, and how he’d “love to fuck” me. Yea…I told him to stop, THEN he put his hands on me! I felt violated! Dirty. Nasty. But never told, I didn’t need that black mark on my record when I was just starting this career. But the Chief (the good one, the one that quit because of these assholes) found out, I told him after he kept asking, but I wouldn’t let him tell the Police Chief or the city…biggest mistake ever! But he found out, by was that fun.

Then, after all that, after the Police Chief finally found out about what the Jackass Captain did and got in trouble, the Asshole Lieutenant called me the “Chief’s little bitch”…yea, he had no idea I was sitting right there and could hear him. Once again, I never told. I did e-mail asking for a month off, I needed a break from these dickheads, but that was a mistake because that opened a fucking can of worms! So Asshole Lieuntenant got in trouble and this new Bitch of a “Chief” wasn’t the Chief at the time…but she changed her attitude towards me and made comments that he didn’t deserve the trouble and punishment he got. That I was just overreacting…I get accused of that a lot. I guess I should just keep my stupid mouth shut, huh?

Well now that this Bitch is the acting “Chief” I’m really fucked! And she is the most worthless, useless, underqualified “Chief” I have ever know! Fuck! I thought some Chief’s were bad…this Bitch is by far the worse!! So she changed our shift times, which fucked me over and I couldn’t put in availability at all for this month…there went just over half my income that I was counting on…stupid whore! Well I e-mailed her, TWICE, about not being able to work the shifts. Once almost two weeks ago now and once again today. Shortly after my second e-mail I get an e-mail to the whole staff with the schedules…yes, without me on there at all, whatever. Well, I called to ask if she was receiving my e-mails, because I have not gotten a single response. This is how that conservation went…

Me: This is “the employee you hate”, I was just wondering if you are getting my e-mails.

Bitch: Yes. (For the record, she started a bitch tone the moment she found out it was me.)

Me: I was wondering if there is a reason you’re not responding to them.

Bitch: I’m very busy, I don’t have time to respond to your e-mails.

Me: But you’re getting them? Because I never got anything back, from the first e-mail and again today. I just want to know if there is a reson I’m not getting a response.

Bitch: I don’t appreciate your tone.

Me: And I am just wondering if there is a reason why you’re not responding to my e-mails.

Bitch: Ok, STOP! You need to listen! I do not appreciate your tone! I am very busy and I don’t have the time to respond to your e-mails. You tone need to stop NOW! I have a lot to do and if I don’t have the time to respond to your e-mails, then you need to wait. Your tone is not needed and it can stop now, do you understand?

Me: Yes ma’am! (With a fucking attitude!!!!)

The Bitch continued on, but I didn’t listen, I didn’t need to, nothing she said or every says again is worth my time. I was beyond mad! I just sat there and cried! Cried for hours! Then my man called and I cried some more. I know he doesn’t want to hear this shit anymore, but he listened and said he’d help. I just cried some more and kept saying sorry, he said that as long as I’m stuck in this hell hole he’ll be here to help me. He’s got a meeting coming up too…with one of the city officials coming up, about something completely different. He’s not going to bring the hell hole up, but if the city official does…well it’s fair game! He’s going to make it clear that I have full rights to sue and if they don’t fix this shit, then he will be backing me 100% to do so! And given these officials respect him very much…well that should help things…I hope! Now I just have to see if the conversation actually happens…I’m praying the official brings up that hell hole or it won’t happen…

For now…sleep…it’s back to hell tomorrow…back to planning the end of me…

Day 20

I would like to thank rocksforbrains for giving me something to be thankful for. Thank you rocks! You have given me a distraction, showed me that someone does care, and are trying to help. I really appreciate it.

I’m having a really hard time right now, worse than it has been in a long time. Thank you for reminding me of things I forget too often. I’m trying hard to get better, I just have so many set backs. There’s no where to go that is “safe” for me.

Today was a major set back, I was stuck at “hell” job with nothing but problems at work. I was stuck with all the asshole and problem children so I sat by myself, hiding out the entire day. Well, almost the entire day…see no one there does jackshit, literally! Not even the full time staff. I spend all my time there doing ALL the chores BY MYSELF! This is how my day goes: clean bathrooms, take out trash, sweep, vacuum, mop, wipe down tables, straighten up, do dishes, clean all 3 ambulances inside and out, disinfect ambulances, and clean ambulance bay. I do all of these things completely alone, sometimes I even have to clean AROUND people because they won’t get up.

Do I have to do this stuff? No, not really, but I’m not going to be lazy, I believe in earning my paycheck…maybe it’s the years of abuse. So I do all this work completely alone, with zero help from the staff making the real money. I bust my ass for nothing. It gets me no where but called the “Chief’s little bitch” and talked bad about daily. I am completely alone and it’s killing me. I sat outside today, by myself in the cold, thinking of ways to end it all. I know rocks…not what you wanted, but I didn’t have any distractions.

At one point one of the detectives drove past and saw me sitting there. We share a common parking lot with police, so they are always around. I pray he didn’t see me, or if he did he didn’t think anything of it, because I really do not want to go another round with the Police Chief. No that he is a bad guy, I just don’t want to go through that. If anyone were to tell him what I’ve been thinking or what I’ve said, he’s probably drive me out himself to get evaluated. I don’t want that. I don’t want him thinking I’m crazy. Yes, I need the help, bad! But I seriously doubt telling will land me in a good place…I just hope no one brings him into this. He will force me to the help I need, that’s for sure, but I don’t know if I’d like him calling all the shots.

It just feels hopeless and lonely right now, but thank you rocks for helping me through this. I really do appreciate it more than you know.