Tis the Season…

To be merry? Fuck that!

Suicides increase during the holiday season, so do cardiac arrest not suicide related. If those people have a “family” like mine…well I don’t blame them! My so called “parents” make me want to kill myself daily and they don’t give a damn either! Fuck them all. When I’m out of here I’m never coming back. I hate the fucking holiday season! I hate the fucking holidays! I hate this whole damn season!

It wasn’t always like this, I miss how the holiday season used to make me feel…at least how some of it made me feel. That will never come back…it’s dead, like how I feel right now.

Holiday Weekend

How are my blogging friends? I hope all is well. I have been pretty quiet lately, mostly because I don’t know how to get everything out of my head. It’s just one freaking mess right now! I’m doing ok, overall, but I’m just a mess in my head.  I can’t get anything right and get it out. I just don’t know where to start.

What’s new with me?

Still loving this new job!

Still hating hell job!

Still caching as much as I can!

Still working on a cache series hide!

Still trying to convince my man that I don’t want to find someone else. He says he loves me enough to let me go, he wants me to find someone my age that I can have a full life with, a family, everything I always wanted. I can’t get him to understand that I’ve found the person I want. He’s so good to me, treats me wonderful, makes sure I’m cared for, makes sure I’m happy, loves me. I don’t want to go searching for that again. You know how hard it is to find a decent man??? Actually, to find a man at all?? I swear, all the guys around here are just children!! I’ve never been on for the bar scene and honestly, what kind of people are you going to find that way? I don’t want someone that drinks a lot, it’s not me. Not with the hell I went through with my family, both my parents drink enough for the entire state! So where and how do I find someone? And what if I don’t want to?? My heart doesn’t want to!!

December 14, 2012

A day I will remember forever, but not just because of the schooling shooting.

On this particular day I reported to work, just like any other. While at work, I got a breaking news text on my phone which is nothing new. Usually it’s just an accident, or weather related, but as we all know this one wasn’t any of the above. This was of a shooting, a horrible shooting at an elementary school. How tragic and horrible. I wanted to know more like my coworkers however emergencies took control and it was pushed aside.

Shortly after my shift began, my truck received a call to take a long distance transfer. My partner and I were pretty excited because it’s been a particularly busy rotation and this transfer was 5 hours ONE way! Hell yea, we’ll take that. Little did I know that this patient would change my life. The only information I received was a younger female, psych, going to a center for help.

My partner and I arrived to the hospital and were told the patient was in the ICU. I was shocked, an ICU patient going non-urgent 5 hours away…weird. When we got upstairs I was greeted by a teenage female, polite as can be. She asked not to get on the stretcher, stated her legs worked just fine. As you wish. She had her bag of items with her, clothing and stuff, and I offered to carry it or put it on the stretcher, which she did not want either. She told me she was fine and was capable, so I didn’t argue.

Once in the truck, my partner drove given the whole “female” thing. I started talking to this girl and was amazed by her story. I couldn’t believe her life, what she went through. I looked at her paperwork and saw that the physician wrote “suicidal” and “depressed” needing transfer to a facility that had better treatment. 5 hours away?? So I asked her why she was going there, to which she replied that is where she was from. Now, how does a female, under 17, end up 5 hours away from home…all alone…? I’ll tell you how…

She grew up 10 hours away from my ambulance area, and when she was 7 years old she was taken away from her parents. Both her parents had drug and alcohol problems, including meth and heroine. The state took her out of the home, but she said she doesn’t remember much of that time, just being hungry and mom and dad always gone. At 8 years old her father died of a drug overdose and at 8 and a half she was awarded to the state. However in this particular state there was very little room for her in the system so they shipped her to another state, my state.

When she got to my state she went to foster care. She said the first foster home didn’t work out, the second home the lady gave up her foster care license so at 11 years old she ended up in a children’s center…the one I was taking her to that particular day. At 13 years old, she was adopted. At 14 her adoptive dad molester her. WTF?! An ADOPTIVE parent…that is just wrong. So at 15 she was awarded to the state. She was recently sent to my area to be treated and ended up in the ICU for a few days. She talked to the doctor and said she wanted to go “home” so he signed paperwork to make sure it happened.

This girl was amazing. She has never done drugs, never drank, was doing decent in school. She didn’t take state money to buy a laptop, cell phone, senior items for school, nor did she want to accept it for college. I read her file, she has been working since 14 with a work permit and bought herself an iPod that she had wanted. She was truly an amazing girl! I talked to her social worker for a while too, she verified everything she told me. She doesn’t like getting money from the state, she wants to work for what she has. I’m so impressed given how many people out there believe they should just be handed everything and plus some.

We didn’t spend the whole time talking about her, she asked about my life. I told her about the abuse, my parent’s drinking and some of my story. She kept saying how sorry she was, but I know she had the more difficult life. She was just amazing, full of smiles and laughter. It’s always the ones that have the roughest life that hide being the smile. They hide their own pain to try and make other’s smile.

We played dots and hangman, she introduced me to some new books. We listened to radio coverage about the shooting, talked about that. We talked about suicide, she said she could never do it. She asked the doctor to say she was to make sure she could get back “home,” the children’s center that she said she loves. We talked about school, friends, college, jobs…it was amazing. She has opened my eyes, she has had this horrible life and she’s always smiling. She’s always happy, she likes making people laugh. She wants to smile and just be happy.

I returned home after my shift and my mother asked me why I was 5 hours away so I told her the story of this girl, this amazing girl. My mom’s reply…? “Does she want to live here?? I feel sorry for people like that, I want to give her a home.” WTF!? You think living HERE is going to help her??? But that is how my mom is…she puts up a good image. Then this morning…more problems with the bitch! Her “helpfulness” was all gone! She told me I need to start paying rent because she’s broke. I’m all for paying rent, or working my ass off (which I do) for my room and board, but I have a problem with paying rent to her because “she’s broke”! I don’t fucking think so!! She makes over $100,000 a year, drives a 2011 Corvette, and goes out almost every single night (literally), drinking all of them! On Thursday she racked up a $188 bill with her drinking buddies…and she says she doesn’t have any money. I’m not fucking paying!!

I make less than $20,000 a year, with school loans, and pretty bad medical problems. I can’t really “afford” to pay much in rent, but I’m at work all the time so why rent a place? All this house is is a place to store my stuff, where she constantly gives me chores, tells me to get home RIGHT after work to care for the dogs so she can go out drinking, to do this, do that. She’s just pissing me off, but I guess since everyone’s favorite aunt is here for the week…well my mood is just way off.

I’m not having a good day, thanks mostly to my mom, and feel kind of bad because my man came to visit me and I was really grumpy. I just feel bad. I apologized to him, but still feel bad. However, most of the time he was so wrapped up in watching tv that I wrapped his Christmas gifts right in front of him! ha I just hope everything gets better soon. I hate the fucking holiday’s!! They are killing me! I need a damn break!! That twin study said I tested positive in 4 areas for PTSD…well, that has some major triggers being hit right now and I just want to scream, fuck the world!

Blackest of Days

I remember when Black Friday actually fell on FRIDAY!

Well…holiday number one down and I spent it alone, with no turkey, ham, or any dinner really…I had a bag of chips…what a loser. I didn’t even have any friends or family that wanted to visit me while I was working. I guess I can’t blame them, they have regular jobs and had family plans, but it just sucks royally. Now I just have to survive Christmas…I get to be a lonely loser then too! Another holiday at work…at least the crew is better this time, for now anyway.

Holiday’s…Not My Cup of Tea

It seems like each holiday something worse happens. The 4th started off with my mom yelling all morning. Then I took myself to the clinic because I felt like I was coming down with a sinus infection…great. Got some meds, went home, got yelled at more. People showed up to party, I just felt like crap. Finally went to lay down because my migraine was getting really bad and the medicine wasn’t working. I got up for a bit, after all it’s my party, I can’t let this horrible migraine get to me.

I then found my phone with some water on it…guess what…phone won’t turn on. Someone spilled water all over it while it was charging therefore the waterproof case did not protect it…just wonderful. The best part…no one told me! Put the phone in a bag of rice…woke up today and the touch screen won’t work. For the record…I just bought this phone 12 days ago…not happy.

And to make all the even better, I came down with the flu! Not the brown bottle flu either, the flu flu. I’ve been up all night, can’t hold anything down, this is horrible. Migraine is better though…for now. So now my man is headed over to care for me when he should be doing the stuff he needs to get done. He’s also going to drive me up to try and get my phone replaced today which is apparently going to cost me $50…I guess that’s better than $700 but this just sucks so bad!! I’m more pissed that no one told me!

Happy 4th!