Year One

I’m taking a break from studying and blogging tonight because according to WordPress I started my blog one year ago today. So what has changed in this year..well nothing really. Still love my man! Still hate hell job. And oddly enough I’m still in school! But I’m blogging today for more than just the fact that you guys have been stuck reading this crap for a year now. I’m pissed off! Sorry! I’ll warn you now…just skip this one, your life will be better.

I might as well start with class. Critical Care is kicking my ass! Holy shit!! And I’m only in the beginning! My man says I’m way more intelligent than I give myself credit for and that I’ll do just fine but I’m still scared! I don’t want to fail this! He spent several hours out of his busy schedule to quiz me and I did great! So far…now I just need to study more. But for now a break and my blog!

I had a talk recently with my man about his jobs. He changed his part time job recently, said it would be better for us because he’ll have more time off. Well, he has NOT had more time off and I see him about 25% of what I did before. I sent him a very long e-mail about it, basically telling him how I feel. I sent the e-mail because given my past, I’m poor at communication, and because I never see him to tell him. He took it really well and has been trying to do better so he took some time off to sit with me and study tonight. He also promised to meet me for a couple hours before my test on Friday. God I pray I pass this shit! I will also be turning in my application and resume package to the other job in hopes that something happens with that.

Now the reason I’m so pissed off. Chief Bitch and hell job! First, once again the bitch has NOT responded to my e-mails! She was given information LAST week that she NEVER bothered to pass on to me! Then I show up to work today…it’s 61 degrees INSIDE!!! Yea, it’s a whole 12 degrees outside!! WTF!?!? The furnace went out LAST FUCKING WEEK!!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?! She’s fucking USELESS!!! She’s going on about how she has to get bids and shit…you don’t have to get fucking BIDS! This is a fucking EMERGENCY SITUATION!!! You don’t have to fucking wait for bids!!! I fucking froze my ass off!!!!! I’m livid! Which is why I left the station to meet my man and warm up! And not like that, just meet and study.

I meet with one of the Assistant Chiefs of Police about working with the officers and seeing how many are interested in the suicide training. He said I did an excellent job of presenting all the information to him and he’s sold! Awesome! Now he just needs to present it to his guys and see how they like the idea and I need to present it to Chief Bitch…FUCK! She’s going to be a livid fucking bitch about it…just great! The training officer is out right now, he was the one I working with on it. Ugh! I’m just going to wait and see for a while if he is coming back soon so I can avoid the bitch! She just makes life such a living fucking hell for me! And it’s all stupid fucking shit!

Now, on the to next bullshit that pissed me off with today in hell job. I’ve been working as a medic longer and have been licensed longer than this other idiot that was working today but he thinks he knows everything. He’s a Paragod! He will only get up to do something if he knows someone is watching, otherwise he sits on his ass. He’s a piss pour medic. He’s an arrogant fucking asshole! Well my truck gets sent on a call and he decides to self dispatch himself…I told him to disregard, he went anyway. I get on scene and tell him he’s not needed. He STILL continues to respond!! Then comes in the house “just to see if everything is ok”! Are you fucking shitting me?!?! If I fucking needed you, I would tell you to come! Leave me the fuck alone! I’m not fucking stupid! I can handle my fucking patients! I just wanted to walk out and say, “here, since you’re here handle this one!” It just pisses me the fuck off! You became a medic AFTER me and you think you are going to help ME?! Now I’m not saying I know everything, because I don’t, but I’ve been his ass first hand on a calls…not pretty!

Anyway, that is life right now. Or at least life today. I’m going crazy. This job makes me want to visit the local bridge with all the other jumpers! But for now all I can do is say FUCK YOU! And continue to put my focus on studying. I couldn’t really afford this class and didn’t have time to apply for scholarships, so I better get my ass in gear and pass this crap the first time!

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Fuck You Family!!!

I’m fucking pissed! And I don’t care if this doesn’t seem like a big fucking deal to you, but you have NO idea what I go through!!! Don’t tell me to get over it!

The whole fucking family gets to celebrate Christmas tonight, everyone except me! They get to open their damn gifts I got them, while I sit at work. They get to have a nice home cooked meal while I enjoy my Ramon Noodles and McDonald’s. They get to enjoy theirselves while I’m busting my ass in the 18 degree weather getting paid 9 fucking dollars an hour! And I had ONE fucking request and they fucked me over again!!!

I asked someone to drive the 3 minutes out of their way to drop my gifts off, but no! The control bitch of a sister I have drove 20 MINUTES out of the way to drop the gifts at the house and said, “you can open them next week.” Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? You get to celebrate and open you shit tonight, then go out of your way to fuck me over some more?!? As if Chief Bitch hasn’t fucked me over enough!! Forcing me to work the holiday then giving me TWO 12 hour shifts for the ENTIRE MONTH of January when I was averaging 10-15 24 hour shifts a month!

So family and Bitch…FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!

The Week From Hell

A lot has happened these past few days and I am in a DEEP rut! I’ve been in been for days, thinking about things I shouldn’t. I’ve made some very bad choices, spontaneous choices I shouldn’t make, stupid decisions. I have said things I shouldn’t, but not one has been alerted to them. No on cares. I’m completely on my own. So here are the events of the week…

It started because of the wedding, this stupid fucking wedding. My family has always loved my sister more, she’ll go places in life, no me. I’m going no where. She’s married now, has been working a full time job, finishing up school (her associates degree), and bought a house. Me? I’m not doing anything good with my life…my 5 jobs, two degrees, acceptance into my bachelor degree with a scholarship…none of that matters. I almost bought a house on my own, but my contract didn’t get accepted at the last minute, they backed out. I bought a new car with mostly all cash. I have plenty of money in the back…but none of it matters. I’m a failure.

The rehearsal was the start of hell. My mom demanded I take my camera for pictures, fine whatever…got to practice. But the fighting started about my hair, it’s never good enough for her. I should make it look more like a girl…funny, it’s long enough and I style it, but it’s still not good enough. I tried curling it, I love my curls, but the wind just destroyed that so back to the shower I went. Spent two hours doing my hair for nothing, so I spent another two hours on it. Straightened it, then curled it differently so it’d look “decent” and that wasn’t enough. I’m never good enough. But I tried to make the best of the day. Which wasn’t good.

Then came wedding day. I had to work the night before so my sleep was lacking…this did not help the situation. Then while I’m getting my hair done, my mom has to make her little comment. I can’t tell you how much this hurt me. It hurt so bad! I just felt my heart shatter…I didn’t know what to say or do. I just sat there. I mean who does that?? And why?? What makes you say that? To your child! Your own flesh and blood??

I don’t get it…she’s made because I have a friend, that is a girl, that I hang out with and my man is in my life? WTF? Shouldn’t she be mad if I’m out drinking, on drugs, getting knocked up, in jail…isn’t that what parents should be concerned about? I don’t get it. Someone explain it to me because I don’t get it. I mean, I have friends that care about me (or so I thought). We don’t go out doing drugs. We aren’t in trouble with the law. Yes, we have fun, drink some, TP houses, break rules and laws, but I’m not in trouble for it. It’s all harmless fun and good times. Is that wrong?

As for my man…he doesn’t beat me, he doesn’t yell at me, he doesn’t have me knocked up, he doesn’t hurt me…is that wrong? He holds doors, chairs, is polite, kind, respectful, and everything good, but it’s wrong for him to be in my life? I just don’t get it!! I don’t understand!

So at the wedding everyone made comments about me being all dressed up, I got tired of hearing it and my aunt told them to shut up already. She said it doesn’t matter if I’m a jeans and t-shirt girl…that’s me, that’s who I am and there’s not a problem with it. I was glad for her helping me. Then my mom came over and wanted a picture. She started her comments, so I said, “I’m going to find my gay friend.” And tried to walk off, she pulled me back and said she was just kidding. I wasn’t. It fucking hurt! And I’m going to hate her forever for it! It was uncalled for and just fucking rude!

During the wedding fucking sucked because my sister included the entire family, except me! She didn’t have me in it at all, I did NOTHING! I felt like a fucking retard and worthless. After the wedding it was picture time. Guess who they forgot to put in the family picture…? Yep, that would be me! They fucking forgot me in the family photo!!!!!!! Thanks a lot! Just ensuring more than already that I’m not going to be missed. Thank you family.

Between the wedding and the reception I sat at home with my “gay” friend. My mom screaming and yelling everything she said. For the record, I woke up that morning with a headache and by this point it had turned to a migraine. I was hurting and my mom wouldn’t shut the fuck up! OMG! Then I come downstairs to get more water to down even more medicine…my mom and her friends are fucking smoking pot! Now I’m pissed! I’m all for people having a good time, fine whatever, but don’t do that shit with me in the fucking house!! I can get pulled at any time for a random drug test, I’ll be fucked if that’s in my system, no more job. Had someone called the cops…well, that arrest would mean no more job, no more license, no more career. She could have fucked up my whole life!! They were doing it right out front with neighbors outside and around…are you stupid?!?! Ugh!

So now I’m in serious pain (pot makes my headaches worse), angry, and pissed! Off to the reception I go. FML! I was hurting SO bad! I had so much pain, the sound made it worse, the movement and light was making everything worse. I was so so sick. I had taken 4 times the amount of medicine I was allowed. I was in tears, literally. People kept coming over and yelling in my ear, “What’s wrong with you?” I’m fucking hurting, what’s it look like!!! Ahhhhh!!!!!! I cried almost the whole night. It wasn’t until 5 hours later that my mom finally noticed me and told me to go home. She was pissed, go figure. I stayed because she would make me pay forever if I left. My dad came over after her and said to just go home and if my mom has a problem, she can talk to him. Just great…a family fight again, all my fault.

A few friends came over, they sat with me. My neighbor and his boyfriend came and sat with me. His boyfriend gave me a neck and back massage to help, which did some. Then a slow song came on, he took me to the dance floor and was a nice gentleman about it. Kissed my hand as he took me from the table, held me during the song, told my mom to leave me the fuck alone when she came over (literally!). I loved him for that. He told me out of my whole family, I’m his favorite! : ) That made me smile. If only he wasn’t gay, damn! He could have any girl he wanted between his looks and behavior! But I’m not looking, I have my man, just saying. So the song ended, he kissed my forehead (my favorite kiss) and my hand then walked me back to my table. That was the high light of my night. The only good from the day. I’m so glad for him.

Finally it got late enough, the party slowed down, and I took off. I came home and cried, for hours. I cried myself to sleep, I just cried and cried. Woke up sick the next day, my mom was being a bitch about it and I cried the entire day too. I was in tears all day. And again yesterday, I cried most of yesterday too. And today, I’ve been crying today. I just can’t take anything anymore, I can’t take this life. I started writing letter, then threw them again. I have a list, of people that deserve a letter, rather good or bad, when I’m gone. I started writing to them, to explain everything but how do you explain in a letter to someone why you killed yourself? Is that possible?

My reason might be wrong, but I’m still alive until I can figure out how to say that in a letter. I just can’t stay here anymore. I can’t live this life. I feel so alone, so hurt, so angry…I just don’t know what to do anymore. The pain never stops. Ever. Right now I’m buying a plane ticket, rather I use it or not is undetermined, but I am buying it anyway. I need a break. I don’t know where I’ll go when I get there, where I’ll stay, what I’ll do, but I need to go. I need to leave. I need to get away from the world!

Have You Ever?

Have you ever had so much on your mind that you can’t talk about any of it? You don’t know where to begin, where to end, where to go from thought to thought? Your mind is just racing, nothing ends, nothing begins, it just all runs together and becomes one jumbled mess? You’ve heard of the snowball effect, right? Everyone has. One small thing just keeps building and building as it rolls downhill and becomes one giant mess. That’s my life right now. But where to begin…

It started one Saturday when I was watching tv at work. That was the day my (now ex) Captain laid his hands on me. Remember that story? He ruined my life where at work, not that it wasn’t already bad, it just got worse. I can’t tell you how many times I locked myself in a bedroom, drove to a park, or hid in a truck to cry my eyes out because of these people. They are driving me to my edge, in fact they put me on it a few times. I was close to a big mistake, which is looking pretty good right now.

Fast forward a year and 4 months later, after a continued living hell. The one officer I like, get along with, enjoy working with…he has to open his mouth. Once again, I find myself in a living nightmare. It was on a Saturday again, I had once again just sat down from working while everyone else is on their asses. You know this story already, you’ve read it before. Needless to say…it ended up once again with an officer losing his title.

My fault, again. Had I kept my mouth shut on both of these cases, I could have been out of this trouble. It’s all my fault this Lieutenant lost his title and pay, at least that’s the “rumor” going around here. See, when he got in trouble he was instructed not to tell anyone what happened, for my protection and as terms to keep his job. Well guess what…everyone knows…go figure. My conclusion? He told his wife, who told all her “girlfriends”, who happens to be connected to a guy that works for us, who then told everyone here.

I knew it wouldn’t take long to get out, but the question is…what exactly does everyone know? Do they know it was me? Well of course they do because things have gotten about 1000 times worse for me since I returned! Now, what exactly did he tell them I did? Did he tell them it’s my fault for ratting him out? Because that’s true. I told on him, so yes, it’s my fault he lost his title. However, I’m no sure what I did to make him say what he said. I wish someone would tell me what I did.

I just want to quit. Quit my job. Quit my life. I just want to give up more than you can ever imagine! I just want to walk over to my Chief’s office and tell him I quit, with everything. I just want to run, forever, and never look back. I just want to break down and cry. For hours. I just want to vanish. Not a soul would care, not a soul would know I was gone.

My man is trying to help, but there’s only so much someone can do. Especially someone that walked away from this mess because he couldn’t handle it anymore. Now I’m stuck on my own. Battling for myself. I need a new job bad! I wish someone would hire, and fast! If I could afford to quit, believe me I would! But I’m not one of those people that can live off the government, or not pay my bills. I’m just not like that. I have a desire to work, to pay my bills, to have a little cash in my pockets. I just need to find a better place to work. I wanted to face these problems, but now I just give up. I’m running from them with my tail between my legs. I need help! I need help so bad right now! I just want to scream it to the world! Someone help me!!

Dear Dad

I officially hate you! I know what you’re thinking…hate is a strong word! Let’s review the definition:

Hate [heyt] verb, hat·ed, hat·ing, noun
verb (used with object)
1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry.
2. to be unwilling; dislike: I hate to do it.
You don’t like the word hate? Ok, Dear dad, I intensely and passionately dislike you! There is more hostility now than ever! I detest you! Better? Let’s go through the reasons why, shall we?
  1. You bitch to your friends about me planning and taking a vacation I paid for! Get over it that I didn’t tell you! I was 24 years old at the time…grow up!
  2. You’ve never, not once shown any appreciation, nor pride for me. Thanks! You wonder why I didn’t invite you and mom to my fire department graduation…this is number one why!
  3. You beat my ass any given chance.
  4. You put me down every given chance.
  5. You pick on me.
  6. You never have anything positive to say to or about me.
  7. You treat me like some pile of shit you walked in.
  8. You make sure I feel worthless.
  9. You treat me like a child! Sign MY car over to me already!
  10. You lie to your family about me!
This list could go on forever. But what broke me down today, worse than before? What made me cry? What cause my man to come over and take care of me? The below conservation, word for word. Yes, that is the exact way his texts came through.
From me: I would appreciate if you signed my car over to me. I am a 25 year old adult and you cannot control me anymore. The car is mine, I paid for it and you have never paid a penny since I’ve owned it. I’d also appreciate your family, especially your mother, not blaming me for the divorce. I work 5 jobs AND go to school! I’m not like your son, you can’t expect me to be around, even mom doesn’t see me so I’m sorry but learn to deal with it. You can’t expect me to just forget everything you have done to me over the years, it doesn’t work like that. Once you make an effort like other people have to start treating me better and like an adult than I’ll come around more. Cut me out of your will, life, I don’t care, I will no longer subject myself to being treated crappy. I am an adult and when you start acting like a civilized one than I will be around more.
From my dad: All you care about is you and i will sign when i have time like you you are the one who treats everyone crappy
From me: Grow up.
From my dad: You are the one who should grow up only tome i ever heat from you is when you want something just like right now
It wad never all me or you it is a combo of us
From me: I never said I was perfect but I never deserved what you put me through. I word 5 jobs!! Excuse me if my time is limited! What VERY little time I have off is spent doing work I have to do. I don’t get evenings and weekends off.
From my dad: I never said that all you could do Ian call because when i call you act like i am bother you that might not be right but that is how it feels and i know you work alot i am proud of what you have become

At this point I gave up and just stopped all communication. Fuck him! Pardon my language! I’m not perfect and I’ll be honest, I make zero effort to contact or go see him! Hell, I didn’t even go over to get my Christmas present until the end of February and didn’t get my birthday present until 3 months later. Why should I come see him?! The man used to beat me for no real reason, just because he was angry. He beat me so hard one night I blacked out and woke up to my mom screaming my name. I still remember the first time he hit me, or at least the first time I remember being hit.

It was a stormy night, my sister would shut up. We were in the first house then, just a little two bedroom so I was sharing bunk beds with my sister and my brother was in there too. Tiny house! Anyway, my sister wouldn’t shut up and couldn’t fall asleep because of the storms. I finally told her to be quiet or we’ll be in trouble. I’m not sure why but I had an irrational fear of him then. When I told her to be quit it was my voice my dad swore he heard, not hers talking to whole time. He called me out to the living room when him and my mom were watching tv. Told me to come over to him and popped my ass so hard I couldn’t move. I cried for hours. My mom was shocked. She comforted me for a while but finally told me to shut up already and go to sleep. I couldn’t believe it. From then on I was scared to death and knew my fate.

That was not the only time he hit me, slowly those hits turned into beating. I remember one day, in our third house, he threw me into the wall, when I bounced off he knocked me across the head. Down I went, not out, but down for the count. I couldn’t get up. Couldn’t move. It hurt bad. There was another moment in our third house, he beat me in front of the neighbors. He was getting bolder by then. He let me have it. Held me down and punched me in the arm, back, then head. That’s when people stopped coming over. That’s when people stopped “fighting for me.” I was on my own after that.

There is one final day in our third house that stands out in my memory more than others. I was working 3 jobs and going to school. It was 2 retail jobs, tutoring, and full time student. It was exhausting! Monday-Friday I was up at 4am, off to job 1 from 5am-10am. At 10am I left for school, 45 minutes south of work, school was from 11am-12pm. After school I had to tutor student for an hour, until 1pm. At 1pm I left to drive back 45 minutes north to the same location, but different building for job 2, which I had to be at by 2pm. I worked job 2 until 11pm. Drove 30 minutes home and started the cycle all over again at 4am. Saturday and Sunday was job 1/job 2 in the morning followed by the other job in the evening. Working 7 days a week, taking classroom classes 5 days a week, and two online classes.

One night during this time frame I got a text from my dad bitching about how dirty our room was. I say “our room” because I shared it with my sister. I wasn’t home enough to make a mess and I did the best I could to keep it clean, but he was pissed. I got home at 11:30 that night to every single item out of my closet, out of my dresser, off shelves, out from under my bed…EVERYTHING in my room piled on the floor. I was LIVID! In fact that doesn’t even begin to describe how pissed I was! And to top it off I was told I had to clean it ALL before I was allowed to go to bed! I still had homework and had to be up at 4am for work…that didn’t matter.I was dead tired the next day. Exhausted beyond belief. I was so tired that I fell asleep behind the wheel. Scariest moment of my life. By God’s grace I managed not to wreck or hit anyone but from that moment on I swore things would change. I got a boyfriend (stories on later, now asshole ex), changed majors, changed jobs, and stayed away from home as much as possible. My life changed after that.

This same father, who has done numerous other things, expects me to just drop by, call and chat, like nothing ever happened…I don’t think so! You have taken too much control of my life and ruined too much happiness for me. I’m done! I am determined to stay strong and stand up for myself! I will no longer subject myself to that treatment. You abused me too many times! I’m done! So when Father’s Day comes…I will NOT be spending it with my father! I will be celebrating the people who stood in his place and showed me the love and help me when I need it most.

I know this picture will probably piss some people off, I’m sorry, but it’s kind of funny. Dad’s running from responsibility…I know a lot of that and color has NOTHING to do with it! I just need a laugh and this picture made that happen. Sorry folks, please refrain from negative comments, this is my blog and I am going to share anything that makes me laugh, just like the following, it made me laugh too!

Cashew (noun) – The sound of a nut sneezing.

Thank you for the laugh GrouchyRabbit!