Beyond Pissed

I’m beyond mad, beyond pissed. I’m livid! My anger right now is higher than it has been in a long time! My blood pressure is up, my chest hurts, I have a migraine. My anger is out of control right now! I’m so fucking pissed!

As noted in my blog before, my parents got divorced not too long ago, that is where this started without me knowing. I paid for my car, bought it from my parents…big fucking mistake! I didn’t have a choice, they refused to cosign on a loan, I had no credit history, and they were taking so much of my paycheck that I couldn’t get by as it was. I couldn’t afford food, had no clothes…the same it’s been my whole life. So I paid them over a year for my car and paid it off, once paid off they refused to title it in my name. For YEARS, I fought to get it retitled and they refused!

Then the divorce came…finally, I had the chance to get it titled in my name. I got into a fight with my stupid mother, told her NOT to give that title to my father, and guess what…she did. She told me it was going to titled to my dad and I. Just fucking wonderful! I let her have it, she said there is no reason he can’t be on the title, I told her it was MY car, I PAID for it and I wanted his name off it. I lost. But I lost worse than I even knew.

That motherfucker listed as my “father” on my birth certificate is no father of mine! I’m pissed with that asshole beyond anything I ever thought I could be! Read this and tell me what a bitch I am, I don’t care…you have NO idea the shit I have dealt with my ENTIRE life! You have NO idea what HE put me through!!

So that brings me to today…why am I so pissed? My car plates are due to be renewed at the end of this month, and FINALLY 3 days ago he gave me the notice after trying to get it for WEEKS! Then I had to fight for the freaking tax information…this has just been a nightmare and I have no time off! Then I called the jackass and told him he WILL sign my car over to ME or I’m done ever talking to or seeing him, after days of not answering him, he finally agreed. And that is when I found out how much that jerk fucked me over!
So I went over to pick up the title…a title I was told I’m listed on…and guess what…I am NOT! I am NOT listed on a title for a fucking car I PAID FOR! But that isn’t even the worse part…I was told by my mother AND father that I was listed on that car…that is where they really fucked me over! So I was told I was on the car, when I bought my new one I kept the old one for bad weather days and switch the insurance from my old one off my dads to mine so I could save on my new car…see where I’m going here? IF I was listed on the title this would be legal but as you just learned, I am not listed on this title. The problem here…? I am not legally insured. The other problem here…? I can not renew my license plates.

I am just beyond pissed! Now I have to track down the form for the fucker to “gift” my own fucking car to me, get him to sign the fucking title, and get the damn car licensed to me by the last day of September so I can get my license plates renewed. My chances of it getting licensed to me in time are freaking impossible! If you state is anything like mine, I’m fucked! I’m never going to get it back in time, now I will be fined for renewing the plates late. I’m just so fucking pissed off! Fucking livid! AND I don’t get to just “renew” the plates either, I have to pay a fee for “new” plates despite plates being on there…it’s just a fucking nightmare! I’m so fucking pissed off!

I’m going to take a fucking bottle of benadryl and try sleeping forever! I have so much more to share but for now I’m done. Good night! I sure hope your life is going better than what I am dealing with here.

Not So Happy Birthday!

Well my birthday sucked! Thank you mom! Yet another “holiday” you have ruined…appreciate that. It never fails, any occasion you love to ruin, and you seem to have this desire to ruin every single one.

Well lets see, started out slow, boring, nothing special. My mom wanted to take me to lunch, I agreed though knew better. She told the family and waitress what a lowlife I am. She told them I’m a loser and need to grow up. If I won’t pay her rent then I need to move out an pay more to someone else.

Fuck her!! I tried to move out and she threw a fit, called me names, and told everyone what a horrible person I am. Now I’m a lowlife and loser because I’m living there not paying rent. Fuck her!! I just started my 7th job, where my brother has never had one. I got accepted with a scholarship into my bachelor program where my brother failed out of college. Fuck you mom!! You’re a fucking bitch!!

I spent the day before crying with a migraine, woke up that day with one, and today I woke up with another. Actually, the migraine was so bad this morning it actually woke me from my sleep! If you’ve never had that, you will never understand how horrible it is. To be woken up with a pounding pain in your head…it’s just horrible. I couldn’t find any way to go back to sleep.

Today was the worst day to wake up with a migraine too, I had my midterm for Critical Care class. Somehow managed to pass it with an 83% but I’m hurting!! I’m ready for class to end so I can go home and go to bed!! Someone shoot me now! 😥

My Week, Summarized

Well, this week has been good and bad so far. Starting from the beginning…

My mom has been on me about paying more rent. First, I couldn’t pay even if I wanted to! I can’t even buy myself food and gas money, let alone pay rent and other bills! Her reason for this is, “I know many 18 year olds paying rent.” Yea, me too and they either dropped out of school because they didn’t feel like going or they moved out! Fucking get over it bitch! She doesn’t care that I’m not working, she never cares, “grow up and deal with it” is how she “handles” shit. So I sent her a text that said my shit will be gone by the weekend, boy that did go over well!

She fucking FLIPPED out! “I’m not the bitch you make me out to be!” No mom, you make yourself out to be one just fucking fine! “I hope when you have kids they stab you in the heart like this!” Wrong again, I won’t treat my kids like the dirt you walk in! She just acts like she’s so fucking wonderful and the best fucking mom around! She’s a two faced fucking whore! Yes! I called my mother that and don’t you even judge me! You don’t know the hell I have been through!

Basically, I’m not moving out yet because she needs someone here to care for her damn dog! Oh and my “ass can fucking clean the house a little more!” Yea…so glad she can’t fucking pay attention in her drunkenness! Ugh! I clean EVERY FUCKING DAY! Sure glad she can pay attention! I’m always cleaning up after her and her drunk ass friends! It’s like living with a bitch of a roommate that can’t fucking pick up after herself! And I’m not even lying when I say this…she has gone out drinking EVERY NIGHT for the past THREE WEEKS! So, no I will NOT be paying rent to YOU to support YOUR habit! I’m moving the fuck out!

I tested for one job this past weekend, I will know more about that one this Friday or Saturday. I’m doubting I’ll get it given the competitiveness of the test, the process, and my lack of the full training that several there had, but we shall see. Next, yesterday I test and interviewed for another job. It’s quit a drive, pay is low, but it’s work…and guess what…I GOT IT! : ) I’m pretty excited! Rarely do people that aren’t well known down there get a job! Actually, they go off the “word of mouth” theory, people who live there get hired there, I’m their first “outsider”! How fucking awesome! I really like the people there too so this is freaking sweet!

My man came down with the “man cold” two days ago! And I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about! He’s dying, planning his funeral and all! Haha He doesn’t even have a fever, but damn it’s deadly! I love that man though! I wanted to go care for him, but he told me not to come over, that I can’t afford getting sick with this class. He never gets sick and I feel bad for him but he refuses me to come over so I left some soup for him at the door on my way through and that’s been it. Just a lot of FaceTime visits for now. Maybe tomorrow he will be well enough because I need someone to help me study!!

Other than that, just studying my ass off! Big test for class on Friday, just wanted to share my news. Have a great week! And I promise I read you blogs, despite me not responding much right now. Keep writing.

Fuck You Family!!!

I’m fucking pissed! And I don’t care if this doesn’t seem like a big fucking deal to you, but you have NO idea what I go through!!! Don’t tell me to get over it!

The whole fucking family gets to celebrate Christmas tonight, everyone except me! They get to open their damn gifts I got them, while I sit at work. They get to have a nice home cooked meal while I enjoy my Ramon Noodles and McDonald’s. They get to enjoy theirselves while I’m busting my ass in the 18 degree weather getting paid 9 fucking dollars an hour! And I had ONE fucking request and they fucked me over again!!!

I asked someone to drive the 3 minutes out of their way to drop my gifts off, but no! The control bitch of a sister I have drove 20 MINUTES out of the way to drop the gifts at the house and said, “you can open them next week.” Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? You get to celebrate and open you shit tonight, then go out of your way to fuck me over some more?!? As if Chief Bitch hasn’t fucked me over enough!! Forcing me to work the holiday then giving me TWO 12 hour shifts for the ENTIRE MONTH of January when I was averaging 10-15 24 hour shifts a month!

So family and Bitch…FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!

Back to Life

I’m alive, though I cannot say all is well. I’m fucking livid right now! But more on that later, first…vacation.

I love the mountains! And got my first snow fall in early! It was B-E-A-utiful! : ) I love the snow! Hate the cold, but love the snow! And hell, if it’s going to be cold, then it might as well snow, right? I really enjoyed my time away, sorry I was absent from here, I just took a break from every part of life and didn’t answer any texts, e-mails, or anything. Except of course those from my counsins and Rocks (you should feel special). I love going out there because everyone is so accepting of my man and I and they don’t care, they just think of us as “normal.”

The first night out we got in late, so we just sat around the house and didn’t do much. The second day there we did some shopping and hanging around during the day, then volunteered for an event in Longmount and I got some great pictures (which I promise to try to get up soon, those of you that know my photography page…well you get the lucky preview!). Then on Saturday my man and I got up early and headed into the mountains. If you don’t know, there is a fire burning in Rocky Mountain National Park, which is my favorite place to explore. In fact, the day after I left Colorado in October, this fire started, illegal camp fire, and it has burned about 3,000 acres and is still burning. Some of the places I got beautiful pictures last time are burned up and others I couldn’t even get to this time. It’s a shame, but fortunate that no one has been killed. Despite the fact that the forest needs a good burn every one and a while, it needs to be done naturally, not because some idiot can’t listen to fire bans!

On Sunday we just sat around the house mostly, wondered out for a short period, but it was too damn cold to do anything! It was a grand total of 7 degrees that morning! Ouch! Then Monday morning off to the airport bright and early with a grand total of 10 degrees. Holy crap! And I thought I was going to come home to warmer weather…it was a high of 32 the past two days…someone thaw me out please! The worst part about coming home, was the fact that I was coming home, but also that the damn airport seemed to have the freaking AC on! WTF?! Is all of Denver that crazy?? Despite the fact that my man was a little chilly, he put his coat on me because my skinny ass can’t handle the cold that much. Ha!

So now I’m back and fucking reality has kicked in and this morning I screamed, “Fuck the fucking fuckers!” (Pardon my language.) And before you ask…yes, I’m back at “hell” job today! Man this place just makes a person want to take a fucking gun to the head! (I won’t do that Rocks, I promise!!) There is just SO much lazy and stupid…it’s like in super excessiveness! I’m beyond pissed this morning! When I leave my house I turn my tone pager on, and for those of you that don’t know…it’s that annoying black box carried on the belt that loves to interrupt your meal, sleep, relaxations time, holidays, visits, etc.

I get in my car, start driving to work and notice how bright and beautiful the stars are, just like they were my first night in Colorado, the only night we had clear skies, and just like the morning I left there. It was just beautiful. Then that annoying black box interrupts my thoughts, normally not a big deal, however I notice that the truck that got dispatched is the one I am suppose to be driving three hours away to a factory for warranty and repair…that same fucking truck that this lazy fucking ex-Lieutenant was SUPPOSE to have out of service! The one I was suppose to leave with a fucking hour ago now! And to make matters worse, this new USELESS fucking “Chief” we have…the bitch sent me an e-mail that she is not picking me up, I have to wait for the truck…not fucking happening! I’m suppose to be at my other job this evening and I’m making the bitch drive to get me!

I’m just fucking pissed! That asshole KNEW I was taking the truck, he has TWO other’s available here that aren’t staffed, and he fucking took it on the call!!! And the worst fucking part…the dick takes THREE hours to run calls that shouldn’t take more than 1.5. He’s a fucking SLUG! I’m just so pissed off right now, I can’t even explain it! Back to fucking hell! So I’m making this useless ass bitch come get me AND take me back tomorrow! Here, allow me to share the e-mail I got at 10pm last night concerning the matter…and note that anything in ( ) are my thoughts and were added by me for your enjoyment.

Insert my name here,

I talked with “the guy that hates dealing with her” over at “said factory” yesterday and asked him if he absolutely needed me to accompany you tomorrow. He stated that he didn’t need me to be there since he already had the list of repairs (and because he knows how useless she is!) and you would be there to give further information if needed. I’m extremely confident with your knowledge of the vehicle that you can handle any questions that he may have. (That’s because you couldn’t and he contacted me about the truck!)

With all the issues I have that need to be addressed here at the office (which she isn’t doing shit about! I know for a fact because she passed my issue off!) and most of those needing some kind of computer access, which I do not have off site, I feel my time would be better served in the station. (Why? Not like the bitch does anything there!) Please make sure to monitor your time appropriately (which always included myself and the old Chief shopping, geocaching, and eating) and work with the techs at “said factory” to get as much done as possible within the time allowed.

Thank you,
“Your USELESS Chief”

So…in a couple hours, when I can FINALLY leave like I was suppose to do a long time ago, I’m going to drive all the way there, THEN make the bitch come get me! Then I’m going to make her fucking ass drive me back tomorrow to pick it up! Fucker! $20 says she won’t do it and will do anything to find someone else to…but I wouldn’t take that bet if I were you…you’ll lose, trust me.

I think what is making this day worse though is the fact that since I’ve returned my mother has turned back into the fucking bitch she’s always been! Man is she fucking moody! I guess the boyfriend she’s been trying to hide broke up with her…I don’t know and really don’t care. She loves hiding shit, just like the divorce, so I’m used to it and just don’t care any more. However, I don’t know why she’s got to be such a bitch. Complaining that I don’t pay enough bills and help out enough…I’m never home, always working…literally. I pay all my bills and plus some, I never make a mess and have been cleaning up after her drunk ass non-stop. I’m working FIVE jobs AND cleaning up after her…WTF more does she want?! She told me to expect to find my stuff outside one day…just great. Whatever. Maybe she should yell at my 22 year old brother that has NO job, has NEVER had a job, AND failed out of a community college! Just a thought…

Bah Humbug!

Tis the season to hate the holiday! Ugh! So my parents are new to this divorce thing, as am I, and it FUCKING SUCKS! In so many ways, but why not start with the recent problems…

Went to put up the Christmas tree today…found out my father took the good tree. So got out the prelit tree, half the damn lights are out on it! Nope, can’t just replace those. Spent an hour cutting off just one strand and said, “fuck it” and left the rest. Went to get the box of lights to put on it…yea, he stole that box. My mother was not please. So went to the store to get the crabby bitch lights, she wasn’t satisfied. Spent $68 to hear her bitch. She likes the mulit-colored. Me? I hate the look so I got just clear and blue. She wasn’t happy. I told her I was returning the damn things and she can get her own lights. She didn’t take that too well. Ended up putting my lights on the tree. Then my brother brought over ONE strand of multi-colored that my idiot father said we could have. ONE FREAKING STRAND!! What is the point?! Seriously!!

I give up. I added that stupid SINGLE strand of multi-colored to satisfied her and left it at that. Didn’t add any ornaments or anything. Then decided that while was the weather was decent (sun out and 43 degrees) that I would do the outside lights. Hey guess what, the fucker stole those too! Zero outside lights! And not only did he steal the lights for outside, he stole ALL the outside decorations too!

Went to fix the shower the other day for my mom…yea, he stole every single tool we had. And I mean down to the last screwdriver! He seems to find this shit funny. Went to clean the garage…he had my brother come “borrow” the blower…didn’t have that. Went to cut the grass…he took the lawn mower again and hasn’t returned it. WTF?! I mean come on! It’s just not getting funny anymore. I can’t do anything because he freaking stole the shit I need. And I refuse to call the asshole or go over to borrow it. He’s been in his house for almost 7 months now, I have been over there TWICE, and it’s about a 3 mile drive away. Oh well.

The good news though, I had my cousins today. They are like my own children. They kept me smiling during it all, which helps. They are all excited, they go new phones (early Christmas present) and have been downloading games and driving me nuts to play! Ha I love it though. The oldest hangs out with me more, he loves coming over. We geocache, which he LOVES, and play Xbox all the time, which we did some today. He’s really excited because I got him an early Christmas present. I got him a $10 gift card to download the geocaching application to his phone and he loves it! In fact, we went caching right after he downloaded it so I could show him how to use it. : )

I had more to report, but my ADHD is kicking in and my adderall hasn’t started working yet. Sorry…I’ll be back once it does. Enjoy the day all! I know I am before I have to go into “hell” job…

Day 19

I have nothing more to be thankful for. Not one. I thought all day and not a single thing comes to mind. Am I that horrible of a person? I can’t even be thankful for anything?

A little back story about the weekend and how I got to where I am right now…alone…

I was having a bad day, just one problem after another. Stuck at “hell” job all day, stupid drivers coming home, phone call from my mom all pissy, then my dad telling me about my grandma…just a bad day. Well, my man was in the area so he went to my house and waited for me to get there from work. I came in just stressed and not in a good mood. First he asks what my problem was, no hi…nothing…just, “what’s wrong now?” Am I that predictable? So I started by telling him crappy drivers made my day worse and without me even getting to explain about my grandma or the phone call from my mother, he responds with, “You’re ruining your life. You need to let it go.”

Probably not a bad response if you look at it and looking back now it wasn’t the worst response he could have chosen, however this particular night it was a “trigger” and I lost it. My response was something along the lines of, “I don’t need this tonight” and I took off upstairs in tears. I just couldn’t take anymore that day. His response to that? He left. Walked right out the door. I needed comfort, not another person to walk away. Am I that horrible to deal with?

By then I was pissed. Beyond pissed! I sent all kinds of horrible texts, ones I probably shouldn’t have, but I did it. I told him I’m done with him, with this family, with everyone. I told him to leave me alone and go enjoy his “happy fucking life” and that was the last message I sent. I have not responded to a single text message, phone call, nor e-mail from him for two days. He’s tried…sort of, but has yet to say sorry at all. So for now…I refuse to talk to him. I may have messed up, and I know my already bad day made things worse, but I refuse to let it be 100% my fault.

As for my grandma…got the call today that the doctors want to intubate so I had no choice but to go to the hospital. My mother and father are both on me about seeing her, but you know what…she’s been nothing but a bitch to me every time I see here…why should I take off work to go up there? I have bills to pay and I just flat out don’t want to be around her. Call me evil. I don’t give a shit anymore.

I guess being in EMS has given me a cold heart when it comes to the sick and dying. I’m used to it so to speak. It’s a part of life, I’m at peace with it, and know it’s coming. If it’s their time, it’s their time. If I lost the grandparents that helped raise me…yes it would hurt, I’d cry and miss them horribly, however it’s life. I don’t know…I don’t know how to deal with emotions. I don’t know what to do, what to say. I just…I don’t know. It’s life. And the grandma that is in bad shape…well, she has not been kind for a long time now…she’d be better off with my grandpa anyway because she has been a COMPLETELY different person without him.

What can I say…I’m a cold hearted bitch and I want nothing to do with anything right now. I’m done with it all. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of feeling. I’m tired.

The Week From Hell

A lot has happened these past few days and I am in a DEEP rut! I’ve been in been for days, thinking about things I shouldn’t. I’ve made some very bad choices, spontaneous choices I shouldn’t make, stupid decisions. I have said things I shouldn’t, but not one has been alerted to them. No on cares. I’m completely on my own. So here are the events of the week…

It started because of the wedding, this stupid fucking wedding. My family has always loved my sister more, she’ll go places in life, no me. I’m going no where. She’s married now, has been working a full time job, finishing up school (her associates degree), and bought a house. Me? I’m not doing anything good with my life…my 5 jobs, two degrees, acceptance into my bachelor degree with a scholarship…none of that matters. I almost bought a house on my own, but my contract didn’t get accepted at the last minute, they backed out. I bought a new car with mostly all cash. I have plenty of money in the back…but none of it matters. I’m a failure.

The rehearsal was the start of hell. My mom demanded I take my camera for pictures, fine whatever…got to practice. But the fighting started about my hair, it’s never good enough for her. I should make it look more like a girl…funny, it’s long enough and I style it, but it’s still not good enough. I tried curling it, I love my curls, but the wind just destroyed that so back to the shower I went. Spent two hours doing my hair for nothing, so I spent another two hours on it. Straightened it, then curled it differently so it’d look “decent” and that wasn’t enough. I’m never good enough. But I tried to make the best of the day. Which wasn’t good.

Then came wedding day. I had to work the night before so my sleep was lacking…this did not help the situation. Then while I’m getting my hair done, my mom has to make her little comment. I can’t tell you how much this hurt me. It hurt so bad! I just felt my heart shatter…I didn’t know what to say or do. I just sat there. I mean who does that?? And why?? What makes you say that? To your child! Your own flesh and blood??

I don’t get it…she’s made because I have a friend, that is a girl, that I hang out with and my man is in my life? WTF? Shouldn’t she be mad if I’m out drinking, on drugs, getting knocked up, in jail…isn’t that what parents should be concerned about? I don’t get it. Someone explain it to me because I don’t get it. I mean, I have friends that care about me (or so I thought). We don’t go out doing drugs. We aren’t in trouble with the law. Yes, we have fun, drink some, TP houses, break rules and laws, but I’m not in trouble for it. It’s all harmless fun and good times. Is that wrong?

As for my man…he doesn’t beat me, he doesn’t yell at me, he doesn’t have me knocked up, he doesn’t hurt me…is that wrong? He holds doors, chairs, is polite, kind, respectful, and everything good, but it’s wrong for him to be in my life? I just don’t get it!! I don’t understand!

So at the wedding everyone made comments about me being all dressed up, I got tired of hearing it and my aunt told them to shut up already. She said it doesn’t matter if I’m a jeans and t-shirt girl…that’s me, that’s who I am and there’s not a problem with it. I was glad for her helping me. Then my mom came over and wanted a picture. She started her comments, so I said, “I’m going to find my gay friend.” And tried to walk off, she pulled me back and said she was just kidding. I wasn’t. It fucking hurt! And I’m going to hate her forever for it! It was uncalled for and just fucking rude!

During the wedding fucking sucked because my sister included the entire family, except me! She didn’t have me in it at all, I did NOTHING! I felt like a fucking retard and worthless. After the wedding it was picture time. Guess who they forgot to put in the family picture…? Yep, that would be me! They fucking forgot me in the family photo!!!!!!! Thanks a lot! Just ensuring more than already that I’m not going to be missed. Thank you family.

Between the wedding and the reception I sat at home with my “gay” friend. My mom screaming and yelling everything she said. For the record, I woke up that morning with a headache and by this point it had turned to a migraine. I was hurting and my mom wouldn’t shut the fuck up! OMG! Then I come downstairs to get more water to down even more medicine…my mom and her friends are fucking smoking pot! Now I’m pissed! I’m all for people having a good time, fine whatever, but don’t do that shit with me in the fucking house!! I can get pulled at any time for a random drug test, I’ll be fucked if that’s in my system, no more job. Had someone called the cops…well, that arrest would mean no more job, no more license, no more career. She could have fucked up my whole life!! They were doing it right out front with neighbors outside and around…are you stupid?!?! Ugh!

So now I’m in serious pain (pot makes my headaches worse), angry, and pissed! Off to the reception I go. FML! I was hurting SO bad! I had so much pain, the sound made it worse, the movement and light was making everything worse. I was so so sick. I had taken 4 times the amount of medicine I was allowed. I was in tears, literally. People kept coming over and yelling in my ear, “What’s wrong with you?” I’m fucking hurting, what’s it look like!!! Ahhhhh!!!!!! I cried almost the whole night. It wasn’t until 5 hours later that my mom finally noticed me and told me to go home. She was pissed, go figure. I stayed because she would make me pay forever if I left. My dad came over after her and said to just go home and if my mom has a problem, she can talk to him. Just great…a family fight again, all my fault.

A few friends came over, they sat with me. My neighbor and his boyfriend came and sat with me. His boyfriend gave me a neck and back massage to help, which did some. Then a slow song came on, he took me to the dance floor and was a nice gentleman about it. Kissed my hand as he took me from the table, held me during the song, told my mom to leave me the fuck alone when she came over (literally!). I loved him for that. He told me out of my whole family, I’m his favorite! : ) That made me smile. If only he wasn’t gay, damn! He could have any girl he wanted between his looks and behavior! But I’m not looking, I have my man, just saying. So the song ended, he kissed my forehead (my favorite kiss) and my hand then walked me back to my table. That was the high light of my night. The only good from the day. I’m so glad for him.

Finally it got late enough, the party slowed down, and I took off. I came home and cried, for hours. I cried myself to sleep, I just cried and cried. Woke up sick the next day, my mom was being a bitch about it and I cried the entire day too. I was in tears all day. And again yesterday, I cried most of yesterday too. And today, I’ve been crying today. I just can’t take anything anymore, I can’t take this life. I started writing letter, then threw them again. I have a list, of people that deserve a letter, rather good or bad, when I’m gone. I started writing to them, to explain everything but how do you explain in a letter to someone why you killed yourself? Is that possible?

My reason might be wrong, but I’m still alive until I can figure out how to say that in a letter. I just can’t stay here anymore. I can’t live this life. I feel so alone, so hurt, so angry…I just don’t know what to do anymore. The pain never stops. Ever. Right now I’m buying a plane ticket, rather I use it or not is undetermined, but I am buying it anyway. I need a break. I don’t know where I’ll go when I get there, where I’ll stay, what I’ll do, but I need to go. I need to leave. I need to get away from the world!

I Refuse!

I am NEVER going to have a wedding!! Ever!! Family FUCKING SUCKS! And I refuse to deal with this shit! Who ever I marry better be ok with going to the court house, signing papers, and that’s it! Good thing my man is ok with this. He said he’s already had a wedding, but he wants that day to be special for me. I told him making it special for me is going to the court house and signing papers. I don’t want to deal with all the crap, I think too much money is wasted on weddings that could be spent else where and I just don’t want to deal with my stupid ass family! I am SO ready for Sunday!!!! Who’s with me???

Age Does Matter

Yes, I said it. I believe love is where you find it, love will find it’s way, and all the other age gap love quotes out there, however I also believe age does make a difference in the relationship. For example, if it weren’t for his age he wouldn’t have the patience to deal with me. I’ve been struggling lately with my past and the problems I’ve developed from it. I’m having a hard time lately and I know that if it weren’t for his age, he wouldn’t be here trying to help me through it. Our age difference is a wonderful thing in our relationship, it’s made for a unique bond. He’s helping me learn all the skills he’s developed in his life.

But with all good comes some bad. My family is still showing no “understanding” or “acceptance” of using being just friends, let alone lovers. Some days I really struggle with this too. As much bad and horrible stuff my family has put me though, I still have this desire to have them in my life. I’m letting it bother me too much lately and I know I need to let it go. I know it doesn’t matter what anyone things, I love him and that is all that matters. He’s been trying to be helpful and understand for me, but we both know in this society it’s more acceptable for him to be with me, than it is for me to be with him. This society is too closed minded, but it’s starting to be more accepted. Some days I wish our age difference was much smaller so people would understand more, other days I’m glad for our age difference because we make it though struggles more easily.

So all in all, I wouldn’t trade my age gap relationship for anything! I’m glad he’s the man by my side and I can’t wait to start a family with him. I just hope he can life a long and happy life and plan to get the most out of each day together. I’m so grateful to have my older man in my life!

Side note: he’s been very helpful and right there by my side when I plan a day to go take pictures. I’ve been getting some really good shots and dropped off my first set to sell last week. I got some amazing pictures in the city this past weekend, however to protect my location I unfortunately can’t share them here. If you want a chance to see them, e-mail me at our24yearagegap@yahoo.com and I will consider sharing them with you. I’m not one for cities, in fact I hate going there more than anything! But I did get some awesome photos from the visit. Some so good that my friends has a company looking into getting some of them! : ) How exciting!

Now I just need to decide when to go back to school and finish my bachelor degree. I got accepted into a local university with a small scholarship, like enough money to cover 1/2 a class…it’s something I guess. I can’t decided if I should wait or put myself into more debt now and more importantly…what to go for. Guess it’s time to start deciding.