Beyond Pissed

I’m beyond mad, beyond pissed. I’m livid! My anger right now is higher than it has been in a long time! My blood pressure is up, my chest hurts, I have a migraine. My anger is out of control right now! I’m so fucking pissed!

As noted in my blog before, my parents got divorced not too long ago, that is where this started without me knowing. I paid for my car, bought it from my parents…big fucking mistake! I didn’t have a choice, they refused to cosign on a loan, I had no credit history, and they were taking so much of my paycheck that I couldn’t get by as it was. I couldn’t afford food, had no clothes…the same it’s been my whole life. So I paid them over a year for my car and paid it off, once paid off they refused to title it in my name. For YEARS, I fought to get it retitled and they refused!

Then the divorce came…finally, I had the chance to get it titled in my name. I got into a fight with my stupid mother, told her NOT to give that title to my father, and guess what…she did. She told me it was going to titled to my dad and I. Just fucking wonderful! I let her have it, she said there is no reason he can’t be on the title, I told her it was MY car, I PAID for it and I wanted his name off it. I lost. But I lost worse than I even knew.

That motherfucker listed as my “father” on my birth certificate is no father of mine! I’m pissed with that asshole beyond anything I ever thought I could be! Read this and tell me what a bitch I am, I don’t care…you have NO idea the shit I have dealt with my ENTIRE life! You have NO idea what HE put me through!!

So that brings me to today…why am I so pissed? My car plates are due to be renewed at the end of this month, and FINALLY 3 days ago he gave me the notice after trying to get it for WEEKS! Then I had to fight for the freaking tax information…this has just been a nightmare and I have no time off! Then I called the jackass and told him he WILL sign my car over to ME or I’m done ever talking to or seeing him, after days of not answering him, he finally agreed. And that is when I found out how much that jerk fucked me over!
So I went over to pick up the title…a title I was told I’m listed on…and guess what…I am NOT! I am NOT listed on a title for a fucking car I PAID FOR! But that isn’t even the worse part…I was told by my mother AND father that I was listed on that car…that is where they really fucked me over! So I was told I was on the car, when I bought my new one I kept the old one for bad weather days and switch the insurance from my old one off my dads to mine so I could save on my new car…see where I’m going here? IF I was listed on the title this would be legal but as you just learned, I am not listed on this title. The problem here…? I am not legally insured. The other problem here…? I can not renew my license plates.

I am just beyond pissed! Now I have to track down the form for the fucker to “gift” my own fucking car to me, get him to sign the fucking title, and get the damn car licensed to me by the last day of September so I can get my license plates renewed. My chances of it getting licensed to me in time are freaking impossible! If you state is anything like mine, I’m fucked! I’m never going to get it back in time, now I will be fined for renewing the plates late. I’m just so fucking pissed off! Fucking livid! AND I don’t get to just “renew” the plates either, I have to pay a fee for “new” plates despite plates being on there…it’s just a fucking nightmare! I’m so fucking pissed off!

I’m going to take a fucking bottle of benadryl and try sleeping forever! I have so much more to share but for now I’m done. Good night! I sure hope your life is going better than what I am dealing with here.

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Not So Happy Birthday!

Well my birthday sucked! Thank you mom! Yet another “holiday” you have ruined…appreciate that. It never fails, any occasion you love to ruin, and you seem to have this desire to ruin every single one.

Well lets see, started out slow, boring, nothing special. My mom wanted to take me to lunch, I agreed though knew better. She told the family and waitress what a lowlife I am. She told them I’m a loser and need to grow up. If I won’t pay her rent then I need to move out an pay more to someone else.

Fuck her!! I tried to move out and she threw a fit, called me names, and told everyone what a horrible person I am. Now I’m a lowlife and loser because I’m living there not paying rent. Fuck her!! I just started my 7th job, where my brother has never had one. I got accepted with a scholarship into my bachelor program where my brother failed out of college. Fuck you mom!! You’re a fucking bitch!!

I spent the day before crying with a migraine, woke up that day with one, and today I woke up with another. Actually, the migraine was so bad this morning it actually woke me from my sleep! If you’ve never had that, you will never understand how horrible it is. To be woken up with a pounding pain in your head…it’s just horrible. I couldn’t find any way to go back to sleep.

Today was the worst day to wake up with a migraine too, I had my midterm for Critical Care class. Somehow managed to pass it with an 83% but I’m hurting!! I’m ready for class to end so I can go home and go to bed!! Someone shoot me now! 😥

My Week, Summarized

Well, this week has been good and bad so far. Starting from the beginning…

My mom has been on me about paying more rent. First, I couldn’t pay even if I wanted to! I can’t even buy myself food and gas money, let alone pay rent and other bills! Her reason for this is, “I know many 18 year olds paying rent.” Yea, me too and they either dropped out of school because they didn’t feel like going or they moved out! Fucking get over it bitch! She doesn’t care that I’m not working, she never cares, “grow up and deal with it” is how she “handles” shit. So I sent her a text that said my shit will be gone by the weekend, boy that did go over well!

She fucking FLIPPED out! “I’m not the bitch you make me out to be!” No mom, you make yourself out to be one just fucking fine! “I hope when you have kids they stab you in the heart like this!” Wrong again, I won’t treat my kids like the dirt you walk in! She just acts like she’s so fucking wonderful and the best fucking mom around! She’s a two faced fucking whore! Yes! I called my mother that and don’t you even judge me! You don’t know the hell I have been through!

Basically, I’m not moving out yet because she needs someone here to care for her damn dog! Oh and my “ass can fucking clean the house a little more!” Yea…so glad she can’t fucking pay attention in her drunkenness! Ugh! I clean EVERY FUCKING DAY! Sure glad she can pay attention! I’m always cleaning up after her and her drunk ass friends! It’s like living with a bitch of a roommate that can’t fucking pick up after herself! And I’m not even lying when I say this…she has gone out drinking EVERY NIGHT for the past THREE WEEKS! So, no I will NOT be paying rent to YOU to support YOUR habit! I’m moving the fuck out!

I tested for one job this past weekend, I will know more about that one this Friday or Saturday. I’m doubting I’ll get it given the competitiveness of the test, the process, and my lack of the full training that several there had, but we shall see. Next, yesterday I test and interviewed for another job. It’s quit a drive, pay is low, but it’s work…and guess what…I GOT IT! : ) I’m pretty excited! Rarely do people that aren’t well known down there get a job! Actually, they go off the “word of mouth” theory, people who live there get hired there, I’m their first “outsider”! How fucking awesome! I really like the people there too so this is freaking sweet!

My man came down with the “man cold” two days ago! And I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about! He’s dying, planning his funeral and all! Haha He doesn’t even have a fever, but damn it’s deadly! I love that man though! I wanted to go care for him, but he told me not to come over, that I can’t afford getting sick with this class. He never gets sick and I feel bad for him but he refuses me to come over so I left some soup for him at the door on my way through and that’s been it. Just a lot of FaceTime visits for now. Maybe tomorrow he will be well enough because I need someone to help me study!!

Other than that, just studying my ass off! Big test for class on Friday, just wanted to share my news. Have a great week! And I promise I read you blogs, despite me not responding much right now. Keep writing.

Fuck You Family!!!

I’m fucking pissed! And I don’t care if this doesn’t seem like a big fucking deal to you, but you have NO idea what I go through!!! Don’t tell me to get over it!

The whole fucking family gets to celebrate Christmas tonight, everyone except me! They get to open their damn gifts I got them, while I sit at work. They get to have a nice home cooked meal while I enjoy my Ramon Noodles and McDonald’s. They get to enjoy theirselves while I’m busting my ass in the 18 degree weather getting paid 9 fucking dollars an hour! And I had ONE fucking request and they fucked me over again!!!

I asked someone to drive the 3 minutes out of their way to drop my gifts off, but no! The control bitch of a sister I have drove 20 MINUTES out of the way to drop the gifts at the house and said, “you can open them next week.” Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? You get to celebrate and open you shit tonight, then go out of your way to fuck me over some more?!? As if Chief Bitch hasn’t fucked me over enough!! Forcing me to work the holiday then giving me TWO 12 hour shifts for the ENTIRE MONTH of January when I was averaging 10-15 24 hour shifts a month!

So family and Bitch…FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!

Back to Life

I’m alive, though I cannot say all is well. I’m fucking livid right now! But more on that later, first…vacation.

I love the mountains! And got my first snow fall in early! It was B-E-A-utiful! : ) I love the snow! Hate the cold, but love the snow! And hell, if it’s going to be cold, then it might as well snow, right? I really enjoyed my time away, sorry I was absent from here, I just took a break from every part of life and didn’t answer any texts, e-mails, or anything. Except of course those from my counsins and Rocks (you should feel special). I love going out there because everyone is so accepting of my man and I and they don’t care, they just think of us as “normal.”

The first night out we got in late, so we just sat around the house and didn’t do much. The second day there we did some shopping and hanging around during the day, then volunteered for an event in Longmount and I got some great pictures (which I promise to try to get up soon, those of you that know my photography page…well you get the lucky preview!). Then on Saturday my man and I got up early and headed into the mountains. If you don’t know, there is a fire burning in Rocky Mountain National Park, which is my favorite place to explore. In fact, the day after I left Colorado in October, this fire started, illegal camp fire, and it has burned about 3,000 acres and is still burning. Some of the places I got beautiful pictures last time are burned up and others I couldn’t even get to this time. It’s a shame, but fortunate that no one has been killed. Despite the fact that the forest needs a good burn every one and a while, it needs to be done naturally, not because some idiot can’t listen to fire bans!

On Sunday we just sat around the house mostly, wondered out for a short period, but it was too damn cold to do anything! It was a grand total of 7 degrees that morning! Ouch! Then Monday morning off to the airport bright and early with a grand total of 10 degrees. Holy crap! And I thought I was going to come home to warmer weather…it was a high of 32 the past two days…someone thaw me out please! The worst part about coming home, was the fact that I was coming home, but also that the damn airport seemed to have the freaking AC on! WTF?! Is all of Denver that crazy?? Despite the fact that my man was a little chilly, he put his coat on me because my skinny ass can’t handle the cold that much. Ha!

So now I’m back and fucking reality has kicked in and this morning I screamed, “Fuck the fucking fuckers!” (Pardon my language.) And before you ask…yes, I’m back at “hell” job today! Man this place just makes a person want to take a fucking gun to the head! (I won’t do that Rocks, I promise!!) There is just SO much lazy and stupid…it’s like in super excessiveness! I’m beyond pissed this morning! When I leave my house I turn my tone pager on, and for those of you that don’t know…it’s that annoying black box carried on the belt that loves to interrupt your meal, sleep, relaxations time, holidays, visits, etc.

I get in my car, start driving to work and notice how bright and beautiful the stars are, just like they were my first night in Colorado, the only night we had clear skies, and just like the morning I left there. It was just beautiful. Then that annoying black box interrupts my thoughts, normally not a big deal, however I notice that the truck that got dispatched is the one I am suppose to be driving three hours away to a factory for warranty and repair…that same fucking truck that this lazy fucking ex-Lieutenant was SUPPOSE to have out of service! The one I was suppose to leave with a fucking hour ago now! And to make matters worse, this new USELESS fucking “Chief” we have…the bitch sent me an e-mail that she is not picking me up, I have to wait for the truck…not fucking happening! I’m suppose to be at my other job this evening and I’m making the bitch drive to get me!

I’m just fucking pissed! That asshole KNEW I was taking the truck, he has TWO other’s available here that aren’t staffed, and he fucking took it on the call!!! And the worst fucking part…the dick takes THREE hours to run calls that shouldn’t take more than 1.5. He’s a fucking SLUG! I’m just so pissed off right now, I can’t even explain it! Back to fucking hell! So I’m making this useless ass bitch come get me AND take me back tomorrow! Here, allow me to share the e-mail I got at 10pm last night concerning the matter…and note that anything in ( ) are my thoughts and were added by me for your enjoyment.

Insert my name here,

I talked with “the guy that hates dealing with her” over at “said factory” yesterday and asked him if he absolutely needed me to accompany you tomorrow. He stated that he didn’t need me to be there since he already had the list of repairs (and because he knows how useless she is!) and you would be there to give further information if needed. I’m extremely confident with your knowledge of the vehicle that you can handle any questions that he may have. (That’s because you couldn’t and he contacted me about the truck!)

With all the issues I have that need to be addressed here at the office (which she isn’t doing shit about! I know for a fact because she passed my issue off!) and most of those needing some kind of computer access, which I do not have off site, I feel my time would be better served in the station. (Why? Not like the bitch does anything there!) Please make sure to monitor your time appropriately (which always included myself and the old Chief shopping, geocaching, and eating) and work with the techs at “said factory” to get as much done as possible within the time allowed.

Thank you,
“Your USELESS Chief”

So…in a couple hours, when I can FINALLY leave like I was suppose to do a long time ago, I’m going to drive all the way there, THEN make the bitch come get me! Then I’m going to make her fucking ass drive me back tomorrow to pick it up! Fucker! $20 says she won’t do it and will do anything to find someone else to…but I wouldn’t take that bet if I were you…you’ll lose, trust me.

I think what is making this day worse though is the fact that since I’ve returned my mother has turned back into the fucking bitch she’s always been! Man is she fucking moody! I guess the boyfriend she’s been trying to hide broke up with her…I don’t know and really don’t care. She loves hiding shit, just like the divorce, so I’m used to it and just don’t care any more. However, I don’t know why she’s got to be such a bitch. Complaining that I don’t pay enough bills and help out enough…I’m never home, always working…literally. I pay all my bills and plus some, I never make a mess and have been cleaning up after her drunk ass non-stop. I’m working FIVE jobs AND cleaning up after her…WTF more does she want?! She told me to expect to find my stuff outside one day…just great. Whatever. Maybe she should yell at my 22 year old brother that has NO job, has NEVER had a job, AND failed out of a community college! Just a thought…

Bah Humbug!

Tis the season to hate the holiday! Ugh! So my parents are new to this divorce thing, as am I, and it FUCKING SUCKS! In so many ways, but why not start with the recent problems…

Went to put up the Christmas tree today…found out my father took the good tree. So got out the prelit tree, half the damn lights are out on it! Nope, can’t just replace those. Spent an hour cutting off just one strand and said, “fuck it” and left the rest. Went to get the box of lights to put on it…yea, he stole that box. My mother was not please. So went to the store to get the crabby bitch lights, she wasn’t satisfied. Spent $68 to hear her bitch. She likes the mulit-colored. Me? I hate the look so I got just clear and blue. She wasn’t happy. I told her I was returning the damn things and she can get her own lights. She didn’t take that too well. Ended up putting my lights on the tree. Then my brother brought over ONE strand of multi-colored that my idiot father said we could have. ONE FREAKING STRAND!! What is the point?! Seriously!!

I give up. I added that stupid SINGLE strand of multi-colored to satisfied her and left it at that. Didn’t add any ornaments or anything. Then decided that while was the weather was decent (sun out and 43 degrees) that I would do the outside lights. Hey guess what, the fucker stole those too! Zero outside lights! And not only did he steal the lights for outside, he stole ALL the outside decorations too!

Went to fix the shower the other day for my mom…yea, he stole every single tool we had. And I mean down to the last screwdriver! He seems to find this shit funny. Went to clean the garage…he had my brother come “borrow” the blower…didn’t have that. Went to cut the grass…he took the lawn mower again and hasn’t returned it. WTF?! I mean come on! It’s just not getting funny anymore. I can’t do anything because he freaking stole the shit I need. And I refuse to call the asshole or go over to borrow it. He’s been in his house for almost 7 months now, I have been over there TWICE, and it’s about a 3 mile drive away. Oh well.

The good news though, I had my cousins today. They are like my own children. They kept me smiling during it all, which helps. They are all excited, they go new phones (early Christmas present) and have been downloading games and driving me nuts to play! Ha I love it though. The oldest hangs out with me more, he loves coming over. We geocache, which he LOVES, and play Xbox all the time, which we did some today. He’s really excited because I got him an early Christmas present. I got him a $10 gift card to download the geocaching application to his phone and he loves it! In fact, we went caching right after he downloaded it so I could show him how to use it. : )

I had more to report, but my ADHD is kicking in and my adderall hasn’t started working yet. Sorry…I’ll be back once it does. Enjoy the day all! I know I am before I have to go into “hell” job…

Day 19

I have nothing more to be thankful for. Not one. I thought all day and not a single thing comes to mind. Am I that horrible of a person? I can’t even be thankful for anything?

A little back story about the weekend and how I got to where I am right now…alone…

I was having a bad day, just one problem after another. Stuck at “hell” job all day, stupid drivers coming home, phone call from my mom all pissy, then my dad telling me about my grandma…just a bad day. Well, my man was in the area so he went to my house and waited for me to get there from work. I came in just stressed and not in a good mood. First he asks what my problem was, no hi…nothing…just, “what’s wrong now?” Am I that predictable? So I started by telling him crappy drivers made my day worse and without me even getting to explain about my grandma or the phone call from my mother, he responds with, “You’re ruining your life. You need to let it go.”

Probably not a bad response if you look at it and looking back now it wasn’t the worst response he could have chosen, however this particular night it was a “trigger” and I lost it. My response was something along the lines of, “I don’t need this tonight” and I took off upstairs in tears. I just couldn’t take anymore that day. His response to that? He left. Walked right out the door. I needed comfort, not another person to walk away. Am I that horrible to deal with?

By then I was pissed. Beyond pissed! I sent all kinds of horrible texts, ones I probably shouldn’t have, but I did it. I told him I’m done with him, with this family, with everyone. I told him to leave me alone and go enjoy his “happy fucking life” and that was the last message I sent. I have not responded to a single text message, phone call, nor e-mail from him for two days. He’s tried…sort of, but has yet to say sorry at all. So for now…I refuse to talk to him. I may have messed up, and I know my already bad day made things worse, but I refuse to let it be 100% my fault.

As for my grandma…got the call today that the doctors want to intubate so I had no choice but to go to the hospital. My mother and father are both on me about seeing her, but you know what…she’s been nothing but a bitch to me every time I see here…why should I take off work to go up there? I have bills to pay and I just flat out don’t want to be around her. Call me evil. I don’t give a shit anymore.

I guess being in EMS has given me a cold heart when it comes to the sick and dying. I’m used to it so to speak. It’s a part of life, I’m at peace with it, and know it’s coming. If it’s their time, it’s their time. If I lost the grandparents that helped raise me…yes it would hurt, I’d cry and miss them horribly, however it’s life. I don’t know…I don’t know how to deal with emotions. I don’t know what to do, what to say. I just…I don’t know. It’s life. And the grandma that is in bad shape…well, she has not been kind for a long time now…she’d be better off with my grandpa anyway because she has been a COMPLETELY different person without him.

What can I say…I’m a cold hearted bitch and I want nothing to do with anything right now. I’m done with it all. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of feeling. I’m tired.