I’m Here…

…how alive I am, well I’m just not sure about that. I’m really sorry if you have e-mailed me and I haven’t answered, I removed myself from all technology for a while and shut my phone off so no one could contact me. I feel so…betrayed, abandoned, lost, hurt, angry, and just a whole mix of things. I don’t want to talk about it so don’t expect anything on here for a little bit. I’m really sorry. I hope all you guys are living life to it’s fullest and having a great time! Take care. I will be back…some time.

Giving Up

I can’t do this anymore!

I can’t take it anymore!

I have tried and tried to change shit, it never works!

I have begged, pleaded, prayed, reasoned and it NEVER works!

Nothing ever changes!

Nothing is ever easy!

Why can’t people just leave me the fuck alone?

I can’t do this shit anymore!

I don’t want to be here!

I don’t want this life, I don’t want to take another breath!

I’m tired of the tears, I’m tired of crying, and I’m just tired.

No one can ever fix this.

No one cares to try.

I made a promise I don’t want to keep.

This is my giving up…again.


Cold and Alone

It’s cold here. Snow in the forecast. I used to love the snow! Now I love so little.

I was sitting in this hell hole, studying, avoiding people, and thinking. I thought about why I can’t do it, why I can’t end it all. My conclusion? I care. I care too damn much!! That and I made a promise.

Why do I care so much? Why do I let assholes effect me? Is this something I am going to have to deal with forever? Is it from the abuse? Or am I just that weak of a person? Why can’t I just say “fuck you” and walk away??

I’m hurting still. And hate doing this to my man. He says he just wants me happy, I just want to be happy, people keep robbing that. I just want to laugh like I always do. I just want the sunshine people. Why must people work so hard to keep taking that?!? And it’s always the same assholes! Every fucking time!! And when they have run out of reasons or things to do…they get someone else involved.

I hope they all fucking suffer in their stupid miserable lives!! My life is tough enough! They can stop fucking with what I have left already!

Day 20

I would like to thank rocksforbrains for giving me something to be thankful for. Thank you rocks! You have given me a distraction, showed me that someone does care, and are trying to help. I really appreciate it.

I’m having a really hard time right now, worse than it has been in a long time. Thank you for reminding me of things I forget too often. I’m trying hard to get better, I just have so many set backs. There’s no where to go that is “safe” for me.

Today was a major set back, I was stuck at “hell” job with nothing but problems at work. I was stuck with all the asshole and problem children so I sat by myself, hiding out the entire day. Well, almost the entire day…see no one there does jackshit, literally! Not even the full time staff. I spend all my time there doing ALL the chores BY MYSELF! This is how my day goes: clean bathrooms, take out trash, sweep, vacuum, mop, wipe down tables, straighten up, do dishes, clean all 3 ambulances inside and out, disinfect ambulances, and clean ambulance bay. I do all of these things completely alone, sometimes I even have to clean AROUND people because they won’t get up.

Do I have to do this stuff? No, not really, but I’m not going to be lazy, I believe in earning my paycheck…maybe it’s the years of abuse. So I do all this work completely alone, with zero help from the staff making the real money. I bust my ass for nothing. It gets me no where but called the “Chief’s little bitch” and talked bad about daily. I am completely alone and it’s killing me. I sat outside today, by myself in the cold, thinking of ways to end it all. I know rocks…not what you wanted, but I didn’t have any distractions.

At one point one of the detectives drove past and saw me sitting there. We share a common parking lot with police, so they are always around. I pray he didn’t see me, or if he did he didn’t think anything of it, because I really do not want to go another round with the Police Chief. No that he is a bad guy, I just don’t want to go through that. If anyone were to tell him what I’ve been thinking or what I’ve said, he’s probably drive me out himself to get evaluated. I don’t want that. I don’t want him thinking I’m crazy. Yes, I need the help, bad! But I seriously doubt telling will land me in a good place…I just hope no one brings him into this. He will force me to the help I need, that’s for sure, but I don’t know if I’d like him calling all the shots.

It just feels hopeless and lonely right now, but thank you rocks for helping me through this. I really do appreciate it more than you know.

Too Much

How much is too much? How do you know you can keep pushing on? How do you know when it’s time to give up? When do I quit trying?

I’ve stretched the rope as far as I can and I’ve run out. I’m on the edge and no one cares but me. I can’t do this life anymore. People just love to kick me day after day, can they not see the pain in my eyes? Have I gotten that good at hiding it? Can they not see the tears? The suffering? Do they just take a blind eye to it like they did when I was being beat?

I can’t live anymore. I’m hurting and no where I go is safe. I have never had a safe home, it’s never been my place to escape the world. Obviously work is far from any safe place for me. Every safe place I have found has been stripped of me for one reason or another. I’m so alone. I cry every single day, several times a day. I hurt so bad and no one has done anything about it.


Have I mentioned how much I hate the holidays? They fucking suck since the divorce! I fit in no where. My dad’s side hates me because I lived with my mother after the divorce. And my dad’s mom…well she’s a real fucking peach! I walked out on both Thanksgiving AND Christmas last year. Fuck her!

Well the woman landed herself in the hospital yesterday. I haven’t and don’t plan to visit her and my mother is telling me how horrible I am. That I should visit my grandma…excuse me but she bad mouths myself AND my mother and my MOM said I have to see her?? Fuck that shit! She can lay there and get the fuck over her attitude before I visit! Call me cold hearted, I don’t give a fuck anymore!

Got into a fight with my dad about it too. He was trying to tell me what the doctors said and I corrected his wording and World War 3 started. Fucking asshole started screaming at me to “shut the fuck up you little bitch, you’re not letting me finish.” Finish? Finish what?! You don’t even know what the hell you are saying and it makes ZERO sense! I hung up on the jackass! Fuck him too! Fuck them all!

I have no where to turn, no where to go. I’m dying here. One day at a time, slowly. I’ve started writing letters that will go out to ever fucker that screwed with me so they know what their actions can cause!! Once done with that, then the next stage of planning. When, where, how.

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take it. I’m done. Broken beyond repair and no one can save me anymore.

The End

I will never do anything right! I will never be good enough!!! I can’t take this anymore!! I can’t do this anymore! I’m done! I quit!! I give up!! I’m too beat down to continue and I don’t care anymore!

I Need Help!

It’s time for me to start thinking about things and start thinking hard. Before I mentioned problems at an older job with my Captain and the employees there. There are more problems than I can ever explain, it’s just endless. With the help of my awesome man I was able to land a new job, go me! However hours have not picked up enough at this job to leave my current hell, but now I’m thinking I’m just going to have to quit and deal with it.

This is the first time I can honestly say I hate my job. Maybe I should clarify that some, I don’t hate the job, I love what I do, I hate the people I work with. More times than I can count these people make me want to kill myself. I am seriously sitting here today and found myself wanting to just end it all. I’m so sick of this place. I really need to think about things if I’m wanting to kill myself while I’m here.

I need help! I can’t afford counseling, not with all these issues with my teeth coming up. I can’t afford to just quit, not with the bills from my teeth. I’m so stuck and feel like I’m at a dead end, I feel so helpless right now! I never ask for help, every. For as long as I can remember I have taken care of myself and been on my own, but I need help! And bad! I don’t want to make a stupid mistake, I don’t want to use a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Help!

I sent the following e-mail to my chief.

Chief Blank:

I am requesting a leave of absence during the month of July, 2012. Due to recent events within the department and treatment from my fellow employees, I am requesting time off for my own mental health. I will not be putting in availability for this month. For my own sanity I cannot be stationed with my fellow employees for extended hours. I need some time off to consider myself and what I want to do with my current career with “said department”.

If staff is needed for PR events or CPR/First Aid training please feel free to contact me, I am more than willing to help. As you both know, I love doing both these things and would love to help.

After a month off, and time to think, I will continue to put in regular availability unless I decide to resign my position from “said department”, at which time you will receive a months notice.

Thank you for your time,
“The employee accused of fucking the boss” <– no, I promise I didn’t sign it this way, but I should have. I’m sick of being accused of so much that I have not, will not, and do not do! Ugh!

I can’t afford it, but I really need to think about myself and take the time off. This means my position will be held, so I have not quit, but I get 30 days to decide what to do and get a break from these assholes who’s current game plan is to ignore me completely, like I’m invisible. They don’t even respond to me if I talk or ask a question. Talk about feeling worthless.

I can’t deal with all this! First my dad, now that…it has to end! I’m only one person, I’m not strong enough for this! I’m breaking down here, breaking down more than I have before. I just can’t take it anymore, I want it all to end and I don’t care anymore. I’m done with it all. I just don’t even feel the need to live anymore and this is scary to think about. I don’t want this. I really need help.