It Shouldn’t Hurt To Be A Child

Child abuse can ruin your life years after…I would know, I’m a product of it. I struggle every single day, trying to function normal in this society. My social skills, problem solving skills, and general conversation skills are years behind! In fact, so behind that grade school children are ahead of me. I wish someone had gotten me help. I wish someone had rescued me. I wish someone had taken me away from the hell I was in. I needed it so badly. I’d go to sleep praying I’d never have to get up.

I remember each time my dad beat me. I remember him throwing me into the wall. I remember him punching me in the mouth, back handing me, and slamming me to the ground right in front of the neighbors that were over…no one did a thing. I remember coming home from a full day, work 6am-10am, class 11am-1pm, work 2pm-11pm, Monday-Friday. He got mad at my sister for something, so he emptied every single drawer, shelf, closet and threw everything all over my room. Took everything off my desk and dresser, ruined school books. Then back handed me when I got pissed and told me I wasn’t allowed to sleep until it was completely clean as HE wanted it! I didn’t sleep the entire night and couldn’t stay awake at work. I started to fall asleep behind the wheel going to class. The next night he pulled the same crap. It was killing me and I hoped with all my heart it would!

I’ve never been good enough for my mom. I’m not a girl, I’m into sports and outdoors, she hates that. I don’t wear dresses, she hates that. I’m not in a profession that can make her proud. I’m not doing what she wants. I’m not who she wants and she reminds me all the time. I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never be something she can be proud of. I’ll never do the right thing. I’ll never make her happy. I’ll never be the daughter she wanted and I so desperately wanted to die instead of being stuck failing at everything she wanted.

My sister had a combination of them both in her. She hated me. Always has, always will. Why? They never beat her! She used to sit on me, she weight almost double me despite being my twin. She’d jump on my back. She’s beat me. Punch me in the back as hard as she could. She hit me in the head. Ruined the only “friend” I had…my teddy bear. One time, when I wasn’t fixing the internet fast enough for her, she grabbed my arm and squeezed so hard I had bruises that outlined her fingers…I was suppose to be at a job interview…I never went. I couldn’t go to work or school for almost a week. Another time she dug her nails into me so deep I had a welt in my arm that went in almost 1/4 an inch and covered an entire bath towel with blood…literally.

The emotion pain was always worse, I could never control it. I could control the physical pain, I could make it hurt else where, I could detach myself from the pain. I can’t stop the words, not even to this day. I can’t stop the emotional scars. I can’t forgot what they told me. How worthless, useless, and stupid I am. I’m developmentally delayed in critical areas of life…I don’t know how to fix myself. I let people beat me down, I take it and never fight back. I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve what I have. I make too many mistakes. I can’t do anything right, I never will be able to. I’ll never get it right, this life. I’ll never be the person they wanted. I’ll never be good enough.