Bah Humbug!

Tis the season to hate the holiday! Ugh! So my parents are new to this divorce thing, as am I, and it FUCKING SUCKS! In so many ways, but why not start with the recent problems…

Went to put up the Christmas tree today…found out my father took the good tree. So got out the prelit tree, half the damn lights are out on it! Nope, can’t just replace those. Spent an hour cutting off just one strand and said, “fuck it” and left the rest. Went to get the box of lights to put on it…yea, he stole that box. My mother was not please. So went to the store to get the crabby bitch lights, she wasn’t satisfied. Spent $68 to hear her bitch. She likes the mulit-colored. Me? I hate the look so I got just clear and blue. She wasn’t happy. I told her I was returning the damn things and she can get her own lights. She didn’t take that too well. Ended up putting my lights on the tree. Then my brother brought over ONE strand of multi-colored that my idiot father said we could have. ONE FREAKING STRAND!! What is the point?! Seriously!!

I give up. I added that stupid SINGLE strand of multi-colored to satisfied her and left it at that. Didn’t add any ornaments or anything. Then decided that while was the weather was decent (sun out and 43 degrees) that I would do the outside lights. Hey guess what, the fucker stole those too! Zero outside lights! And not only did he steal the lights for outside, he stole ALL the outside decorations too!

Went to fix the shower the other day for my mom…yea, he stole every single tool we had. And I mean down to the last screwdriver! He seems to find this shit funny. Went to clean the garage…he had my brother come “borrow” the blower…didn’t have that. Went to cut the grass…he took the lawn mower again and hasn’t returned it. WTF?! I mean come on! It’s just not getting funny anymore. I can’t do anything because he freaking stole the shit I need. And I refuse to call the asshole or go over to borrow it. He’s been in his house for almost 7 months now, I have been over there TWICE, and it’s about a 3 mile drive away. Oh well.

The good news though, I had my cousins today. They are like my own children. They kept me smiling during it all, which helps. They are all excited, they go new phones (early Christmas present) and have been downloading games and driving me nuts to play! Ha I love it though. The oldest hangs out with me more, he loves coming over. We geocache, which he LOVES, and play Xbox all the time, which we did some today. He’s really excited because I got him an early Christmas present. I got him a $10 gift card to download the geocaching application to his phone and he loves it! In fact, we went caching right after he downloaded it so I could show him how to use it. : )

I had more to report, but my ADHD is kicking in and my adderall hasn’t started working yet. Sorry…I’ll be back once it does. Enjoy the day all! I know I am before I have to go into “hell” job…

Sorting Out This Life

Once again my mind is racing, I’m warning you now that this post will probably be completely random and all over. Life has just been so full of surprises, complications, and challenges lately. I’m having a hard time still with this divorce. Not the divorce itself, more dealing with the family about the divorce, and more particularly my father. The asshole STILL refuses to sign my car over to me! I’m not a child anymore, he can’t control me no matter how hard he tires. He never could, should have given up years ago!

I found out this week that when he moved out he did in fact steal some of my stuff and took it with him, no doubt to be used as a reason to get me to come over. Well I texted him (I hate calling him, he never shuts up and get whinny) and told him I want my stuff back, to send it with my brother. The text I got back…”You can lose your attitude and come pick it up.” My response? “No, you can send it over. I didn’t steal it from my house so I will not be picking it up.” Wrong answer…I just ignored the rest of his texts, I’m done dealing with him. I refuse to go see the jerk! I’m sick of him and his family. Except for his sister and her kids…I have zero contact with the rest of them. Fuck em! I shouldn’t have to deal with them or feel like this anymore!

I’m still finding it difficult at times about my brother being gone. It’s still weird walking past his room and it being completely empty. He was kind of an asshole like my father, however it was a body here…it just…felt different. I’m used to people everywhere…now it’s just me and the puppies. And maybe my mom…but rarely. I’m not used to a house this empty. It’s weird. I’ve been having such a hard time sleeping too. I’m just…lost. Confused. And hurting on the inside, alone. I’m just ready to start my own family, I want a nice big one, kids everywhere! : ) My man is ready for a family with me…however the 12 kids…well…I’ll convince him! One day.

Damn This Hearing

And it strikes again! Some days I really hate the fact that I have excellent hearing and can focus on several things at once, especially conservations. A little update on life at the residence before the story begins…

My brother moved out, but just to our dad’s. Since he hasĀ  no job and failed out of community college, he can’t go anywhere but from one home to the other. Dad bribed him of course, offered to buy him a new bigger bed and a better tv if he moved in. Of course my brother took it, why wouldn’t he? It also means he gets away from mom who was pushing him for a job, where dad won’t do that. He also won’t be forced into going back to school.

Part of me is glad he’s gone, the other part…not so much. It’s weird, this entire divorce thing is so weird. I’m used to a house full of people, anywhere from 5-7, maybe more…just people everywhere. Now it’s empty, just myself and the dogs and from time to time my mother. I feel lost. I’m used to a full house. And my mother is driving me nuts because her baby boy isn’t here to bug anymore. My chores have doubled and she always wants me home. She’s finally “trying” to be a mother, but it’s a little too late. I’m an adult now, she should have tried before.

Now that her baby boy isn’t around to take to dinner all the time, she’s bugging me. I finally decided to go to dinner with her the other night and that’s when my damn ears ruined that night. I was chatting with a friend that had called while we waited for our food and my mom was talking to her friend and I overheard the conservation. Apparently the only reason she stayed with my dad for so long was because she didn’t want to have to deal with child custody. So she ruined my life more for her own selfish reasons. She made the decision 15 years ago according to her that as soon as my brother turned 18, the divorce was on. Wonderful.

Here’s a little tip…staying together is usually the WORST decision you could have made for your child! I went through hell and back because they “stayed together”! I used to cry myself to sleep at night just begging God to have them divorce. I just wanted to vanish so bad. I hated life more than anything. I think my life would have been way better had they divorced years ago. I just hope I can make a life for my family that I always wanted growing up. I want to push past my childhood and have a happy adulthood. My only dream growing up was to be loved and happy.

Opinions Please…

Asking for a bit of help from anyone out there that reads the crap I write. I currently have two associates degrees with over 160 credit hours. Crazy, I know. When I switched to the Paramedic degree I was just one class away from my Liberal Arts so I finished that one, then while taking the Paramedic degree classes I took some Fire Science classes as well. So technically I have 2.5 degrees because I’m almost done with the Fire Science but I’m not going to finish it with the college. I get the training and certifications with my department, I don’t really need that associates since I already have two. Anyway, my reason for this blog…

What do I want to get my bachelor’s degree in? This is proving to be a tough decision. Originally I was going to get a management degree because I can use that to work my way up in my field but after thinking about it more…I don’t know. I LOVE my job! More than anything, but I want kids, a family…I don’t want to continue to work 5 jobs when that day comes. Don’t get me wrong, I love work, love all my jobs, but I don’t want to work my life away. Now, what to get my bachelor’s in…

When I first started applying for college my goal was to get into law school, I was crazy! Haha, but really, I’d love to do that now! However, I can’t afford that. I need someone that can put me through school and allow me to pay them back, either work it off now or after school…that’s never going to happen, just my dream land. I have also thought about becoming a doctor, same deal though…it takes money, something I don’t have much of. : ( I could see myself doing either one of these jobs, but the problem is paying for schooling and being able to afford the time off work to go though this…I need a rich friend or family member.

Some other options I have been thinking about include accounting (but my ADHD would really have to be controlled with this one), some kind of computer programming or designing (I’m very good with technology), engineering (I’m really good at math), or something hands on, I’m very good with my hands and love being challenged. One thing is for sure, whatever I pick I think I’d like to minor in writing, it’s something I have always thought about. See, the thing about my career right now is if I’m ever injured or hurt on the job, which happens every day, I need something to fall back on. And like I said before, I don’t want to work 5 jobs, I’d love to be a Firefighter/Paramedic one place and work a whole different career in something else. I don’t want to get burnt out like so many people I know.

So, my problems keeping me from picking a major/minor for my bachelor:

  • Money. How am I to pay for this? I need to pick a degree that I can many enough money to pay the loans back or find someone to help me, sponsor me, whatever.
  • Choosing which one would be best for me.
  • Need. Which job will be in need when I get out of school? I know so many people with a major in psychology or marketing and they can’t find a job to save their life. They are in major debt and no job. I don’t want that.

I do know one thing, I want to minor in writing! I do want to follow that path to some extent. Do I pick something to go with the minor in writing and work fully towards my dream of writing? That sure would be hard and I’m looking for something that is going to help pay my loans off right away, not prolong them. What to do, what to do…HELP!

Next subject on today’s agenda, my “oh so wonderful” father. Could you hear the sarcasm in that? A few weeks back my father told me he was not going to sign my car over to me, the one I bought and paid for, the one he hasn’t spent a single dime on, and the one I did NOT want his name on! This stupid divorce strikes again! When all the paperwork was filed and everything done the car was suppose to be put in my name and my name only. Somehow my dumbass father ended up being able to put his name on it. Well, I bought a new car and kept the old one because it only costs me $40 a month on insurance. Well, I wanted to insure them both under me to get the multi car discount…the asshole refuses to sign the car to me, he says, “it’s fine the way it is.” Controlling jerk! And he wonders why I won’t talk to him.

Today he was at the house picking up his crap when I came home from work, I didn’t say a single word to him! He was not happy but I don’t care anymore. It’s like training a dog, I’m not letting in! He just wants his name on the car so he can control me more and I refuse to let that happen. I’m pissed, I can’t sell it or anything either because the jerk refuses to do anything with it. I am one very pissed off person right now. He’s such a damn abusive child! Grow the hell up!! He used to bitch and whine to people that I was going on vacation and what a bitch I was for it. They would ask him if he was paying for it…nope. They would ask him if I was using his stuff for it…nope. They would ask him why he cared and told him to leave me alone, there is nothing wrong with a 24 year old planning a vacation…he doesn’t need to be involved. My life…one story at a time…

Other than all this stuff, life with my man has been awesome! I couldn’t be more happy with him! I won’t lie, some days I wish he were closer to my age, it just makes things easier, but he’s totally worth the battle! I’m so happy with him in my life, he supports me, loves me, cares for me, helps me, and just is the rock of my life. I can’t wait to see him again, we have lots planned this week. Geocaching, bike trips with geocaching, fishing, swimming, day trips to the country…I’m so excited! You’ll probably hear from me less this week. Tomorrow is surgery, have to get a tooth repaired that I broke…damn dentists are expensive!! They need to regulate that crap! Ugh! Oh well, has to be done I guess…so off to bed I go. Only slept 3 hours last night with a 15 minute nap today. I’m starting to get slap happy and I need to try to get my butt in bed before that happens. Big day tomorrow, will advise on how everything goes. Thank you God for sedation dentistry! Numbing has never worked on me, finally I’m not so afraid of the dentist.

Message Received

Sorry for the wait until an update for anyone that has been following the story of my Captain. He was suppose to report to work at 1700 and never showed. He was apparently told by a part time employee that they were added to days the Captain was scheduled to work, well the Captain has such a guilty conscious that he called and asked if he should bring his stuff in…hmmm, I wonder what else he has done…

In my opinion, that part timer should be in some trouble for calling the Captain up in the first place, but that’s a different story. So the Captain took 3 hours to show up after class! When he finally did I was no longer there, which was good. He went to the office, got his letter, cleaned out his stuff, and was escorted out of town. I’m praying I never have to see him again. So right now he is either crying or plotting revenge. Personally I’d be trying to find a new job, but then again I would have never done all the crap he did to get himself in this position in the first place. He dug his grave.

Tonight I am due for my first overnight shift at the new job and right now I should probably be sleeping, but I’m not. We’re allowed to sleep but they are so busy that we’ll probably be out running calls all night so I should be getting some zzz’s right now. I was sleeping wonderfully this morning but my PMSing mother ruined that. I had to clean all 3 levels of the house, cut the grass, clean the pool, and then give the pups a bath. Normally I don’t mind doing work but this time it pissed me off because now I’m gonna be up all day and night. I rushed through the work and for the first time ever she didn’t yell at me for that. Once done I decided to lay down and can’t fall back asleep. It might have something to do with the cookie cake I ate for breakfast…yum! : )

Since I couldn’t sleep I planned a few bike/geocache routes with my man! We have a few days coming up where we are both off before I go on an 8 day 24 hour stretch. Yes…that is 8 24 hour days in a row!! Ouch! But it means money. The worst part…it’s at the job I care for the least, but with the Captain gone things might be better…or probably not. Oh well. Gotta make that money, since that job pays the least of all of mine, I won’t be making much. Easy money though. Back to geocaching…I can’t wait! I took my cousins last week and we had a blast! I miss it! And so does my man. I planned us 3 different days that we can take the bikes along trails full of geocaches! I’m super excited and I’m sure I’ll post about it too.

Geocaching has made our trips places more meaningful and exciting. We just love doing it. It takes us to parks we’ve never seen or heard of, new views, adventures, and just good for your health. I’ve gotten a lot of people into it. Hidden a few myself. And even have a few trackables, one of which has become quit popular and really make people laugh. : )

In 2010, I went to Hawaii with my aunt, uncle, their demon child, and my “now ex” boyfriend (he was horrible to me). 3 days after we got back from the trip we were introduced to the word of geocaching and upon looking it up I walked past SEVERAL and didn’t even know it! Man, I wish I had known about it then! I want to go back to Hawaii just to geocache, crazy huh? In fact, when I’m bored I look up different areas and countries that I want to go to and search geocaches there. I want to travel all over and cache! Wouldn’t it be awesome?! This is one of those times where I wish my job were different so I could go caching and visit other countries! I need my Christian Grey! Haha, just kidding. I’m extremely happy with my man and wouldn’t trade him for anything!

In fact, recently I had an offer. A friend of mine, makes good money, just got a divorce like a year ago and asked if I was single, that he’s always kind of liked me and said when I become single he’ll be waiting. Now that I think about it…there are a few guys that have told me that…hmmm…I don’t see any reason why they’d want me. I really don’t think I’m all that good looking and I don’t make a lot of money, I just work hard, enjoy life and that’s about it…I don’t know what exactly they want. Well, I know what some of them want because they were upfront and honest, sorry…pass. I just don’t know what the others “see” in me…

This morning my mom informed me that her and my dad were at it again. Ugh! Divorce sucks! I pray I never have to deal with it!! Ever! The worst part about my parents divorce…they told everyone, the ENTIRE family and all the friends BEFORE they told their own children!! Talk about being hurt…it was like a damn bullet or knife in my heart. We should have been the first to know! Not the last! Even my damn cousins knew first! It still makes me angry to think about it. Why…just why would you do that?! Don’t the children, especially when they are ALL over the age of 18, deserve to know first? Am I wrong here?? So anyone out there thinking about a divorce…your children deserve to be the first to know! Please don’t make them go through what I did. Be honest with them, tell them the truth, don’t hide it and don’t lie.

For now my ramblings will end. I need sleep. Though I’m sure I’ll probably blog more to keep myself up tonight. Good night world! Enjoy the beautiful weather I have to sleep through.

Search Me Often?

Thursday this week the dentist will be stealing all my wisdom so I am currently trying to keep my mind occupied, plus I’m bored at work. You may find many random posts between now and Thursday, especially when I’m trying to keep my mind occupied like today.

I noticed recently some odd searched leading people to my page. Some make sense, others not so much. If you care to read, they are below with my thoughts on the people doing the searching. Enjoy.

i love you finger art – Well, this can only lead to my post with finger art in it. I can only imagine what this person thought if they decided to read the rest of my blog.

finger art – My guess is this is the same person as above, once again I believe they came across this post and it’s not what they were looking for. Instead it was just a random photo from my random life when I was messing around with people…nothing unusual for me.

cancer pisces alike in many ways – I’m going to guess that this person was searching along the lines of my search when I came across the information I posted on this one. They probably found some information they were looking for in this one, maybe.

our24yearagegap@yahoo.com – Clearly someone was trying to see what all was linked to my e-mail address which got me curious. I found the following: contact page and some other page that I’m not sure of.

when to divorce – This had to lead the person to the following post and I hope this person found what they are looking for. It saddens me to hear about people getting a divorce, but sometime it really is for the best.

lmfao – sexy and i know it youtube ageless – This is a random search here…very interesting. This person was looking for me that’s for sure, not sure why those plus “ageless” would be put together. It had to lead them to the following post and probably another page I have removed from my account.

our24yeargap.wordpress.com – This one is pretty self explanatory, they were clearly trying to relocate my page.

love finger art – Someone really loves their finger art! I’m curious if this was all the same person or multiple people.

mimi alford or beardsley – This person was probably searching for “Once Upon a Secret” and came across my post reviewing the book. I do hope they buy it and enjoy it as much as I have. It was truly a good book!

our24yeargap – Once again this is pretty self explanatory, clearly this person was searching for me.

finger art love – And again someone is in love with their finger art! I will admit, this search has made me quit popular. I’m always impressed to see that 1 person has looked at my blog, let along 2!

this kid necer stops playing x box – I’d like to point out that this person can’t spell, but they must have come across either this blog post or this one. I’m going to take a guess here they may have been talking about my brother because he NEVER stops playing! It must be nice to be 20 (almost 21), no job, no school, and play Xbox all damn day!! Ugh!!

job come – I’m guessing this person was searching for my post directly because I’m not sure why you would search “job come” only…it’s a little creepy to think people are looking for me directly and clearly more than once.

what if volunteer firefighters don’t volunteer – Someone is worried about their firefighters not showing up and I would just like to say that it would be very rare for this to happen! But who knows, it could. I think they came across one of the two posts that I have with volunteer firefighter in it, either this one or this one.

Divorce

I’d like to take a few minutes out of my day here to discuss something I’ve spent much time thinking about, mostly just to get it off my mind. I am not a “child of divorce” because it was just last year that my parents decided they were going to FINALLY get divorced. I say finally here, because I used to wish and pray pretty much daily that they would divorce because of the hell they put me through as a child but that’s a whole different discussion. I am completely confused and lost in the world when it comes to this divorce, even though it’s exactly what I wanted it and it’s what they needed.

One evening, in the early summer of 2011, my parents sat all us children down and told us they were getting a divorce. I couldn’t be more happy at the time, my sister started crying and ran off, and my brother threw a fit a ran to his room. I know my sister did this out of wanting attention (she cries all the time), but I couldn’t figure out what there was to cry about. The more I thought about it, I realized that my brother and sister didn’t get the hell I did when my parents fought and anyone that knows our family will confirm that. My parents made my life a living hell, but my siblings didn’t have to go through that, so I started to understand why they might be upset.

It wasn’t till weeks to follow that I got upset and it was not for the same reason as my siblings. I was more angry than upset. The weeks following my parents announcement I began to find out, mostly from cousins, that my parents pending divorce was no secret among the family. In fact, every single extended and distant family member knew before my parents decided to tell their own children and this pissed me off, it still does. They felt the need to tell every single person, except for their own children. By the time they did decide to tell us, they had already gone to the lawyer and started the paperwork. I felt betrayed, lost, and hurt.

About 4 months after, my father finally found an apartment and moved out. Now, this was also a confusing time for me. Though my father physically beat my, my mother mentally messed with me. I couldn’t decide at the time which I’d rather live with, if given the ultimate choice it’d be neither. (Take note that I had been looking for a house for 2 years, but given the economy and housing choices for my price range, I am still stuck living at home.) My sister moved in with my dad, which I couldn’t be more pleased about! Try spending 24 years in a room with someone that hates you down to your core, beats you every chance they get, and never cleans up after them self! I could not wait for her to be gone and took full advantage of it when she was! I repainted, cleaned everything, rearranged, and made the room my own for once in my whole life!

Now, 2 months shy of 1 year since their divorce, I find myself still confused on how I am suppose to feel or act about it. At the time everyone was calling and texting me to let them know if I “need anything” which seems to be the universal answer when a person doesn’t know what to say or do to help someone. I think I am finally to the point where I need that help everyone was offering, but I think their offers ran out a LONG time ago. It still feels strange when I’m at home and my dad and sister aren’t around. I went from a packed house of 5, to just the 3 of us (my mom, brother, and myself). That’s not much of a difference, I know, but my mom is rarely home and I’m not used to the “peacefulness” that home has to offer. I’ve never had that place I could go to escape the world. For me, home was hell, it was the place I avoided at ALL cost! Now, I feel myself wanting to be there. I like being in my room now, I finally have that place that’s all mine. A place that I can escape too.

My mind is completely lost on how I am suppose to feel still about this divorce. I am so torn. My father calls all the time wanting me to come over, and finally after 5 months of avoiding him I drug my cousin along on a visit. He looks so much older than I remember, I guess divorce does that. And he apparently is always sitting at home because he has no one and nothing to do. The man has no hobbies, he just sits in front of the tv drinking beer, that’s all I can ever remember him doing. I feel bad for him at times, but remember that he did this to himself. He treated me like shit and I have zero desire to go through that more.

Maybe one day I will invite him back into my life, but for now one parent at a time. My relationship with my mom isn’t the best, but it’s been getting better. And with the advice and encouragement of my man, things are being repaired, something I never thought possible. Maybe one day my life will finally be “normal” but for now I live the confusion of an abused child dealing with parents that divorce when I became an adult.