When I Die

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Could someone please take care of this for me?! I would love to freak people out one last time! : )

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Christmas Murder

Did everyone out there have a good Christmas? I sure hope so! I hope you got to spend time with you family and friends, got everything you wanted on your Christmas list, and I hope Santa was extra good to you! While you were celebrating, don’t forget to say a little prayer for those protecting your celebration and ready to respond if something happened.

Don’t forget about the Soldier fighting for your safety and freedom, especially those that don’t get to spend these holiday’s with their family. Don’t forget the Police Officers who are trying to keep the roads safe. Don’t forget the Firefighter who are always ready for your emergency. Don’t forget the EMT/Paramedics who are waiting and ready in the event a loved one has trouble. Don’t forget the Dispatchers who make this all possible. Don’t forget the Nurses and Doctors who are standing by, in case they are needed. Don’t forget the people that don’t get to spend their holidays with their families, but are more than willing to help you if something happened. But most of all, don’t forget those Soldiers, Police Officers, Firefighters, and EMT/Paramedics who never return home to their families, don’t forget our fallen brothers and sisters.

If you haven’t been watching the news or you don’t follow stories on firefighters, then you probably don’t know about the two firefighters who lost their lives and the other two who are critically injured on Christmas Eve, doing the job they loved most. Do you know that story? Do you know theirs? No? Well, let me share…

On Christmas Eve morning a report of a house fire in Webster, NY. When these men stepped out to do the job they love, the job they volunteer for, they found themselves under fire. Two were shot and killed right there, they went to the ground and never got up. Another two were alive, but not good. One of those men got on the radio and communicated clearly with dispatch, gave them information that saved many more lives. It was because of this firefighter that more units did not respond, he kept calm and gave clear radio traffic of the scene and what had happened.

The two firefighters that lost their lives? One was a 19 year old dispatched, Tomasz Kaczowka. The other firefighter was a Police Lieutenant, Michael Chiapperini. Remember those names, not the killer who’s name you will not find here. Those men died volunteering to put a fire out on Christmas Eve, they weren’t required to respond, they did because they wanted to.

The killer? His has a history, murdered in the past, was released from prison a while back, got a gun and was determined. How did he get a gun? Well you see…gun control doesn’t stop criminals! And according to the updates online, he left a note saying he wanted to take out as many people as he could. He took the coward way out, shot himself before police could get ahold of him. The report reads, “as a convicted felon, he could not legally own firearms.” Yet he had one…so for those of you that think gun control is the answer, think again!

There have been many firefighter shootings, most of which have similar details. They respond to a fire, step off the truck, then gunshots open up. The one I remember most, because I know many people from that area, happened on July 21, 2008. I don’t have to look that day up, I don’t have to research that, because I will never forget that day. It was just before I started my EMS career and it hit me hard, because this firefighter was friends with many of the firefighters I know from that area. It was an area I was considering moving to and starting work, but July 21, 2008 changed my life, as it changed many lives. A report of a house fire, a “routine” call, changed this department forever. They lost a brother, a friend, a young man just beginning his career, Ryan Hummert. He will never be forgotten there. When I go visit and see firetrucks and ambulances driving around, they still bear the sticker for him. They have a memorial and a scholarship fun in his name.

But Ryan wasn’t the first firefighter to be shot, nor will he be the last, however his had the most impact on me. There have been many shooting, some killed, other’s just injured on fire and EMS workers. Why? Did you know that many countries have agreed that hospitals and combat medics are off limits? That there is an agreement that you can’t injure those helping the injured? So why does it happen here, where there is no visible “war” going on? Because some people don’t care, some people want to kill and it doesn’t matter if you take away their guns and ammo…they will always find a way.

How many firefighters have been killed because they went into a house that was trapped? I can’t tell you that number because it’s unknown, but I can tell you there have been many. In fact, my department has training on what to watch for and how to help yourself in those situation because of a house that was trapped. No one lost their lives that day, but it was close. It was an arson fire, and this house had traps all over. Random holes cut in the floor, windows that won’t open, doors that are blocked, exits no longer exits, and this happens all too often. We watched a video in training, where the department responded to a house fire. One of the firefighters had a helmet camera (very educational) and when the firefighters opened the front door to enter, there was just enough light that night from the full moon to see that there was a massive 20×20 foot hole cut out in the floor. Had those firefighters entered, they would have fallen to the basement, and possibly never came out.

I picked a career that I love to do, I just pray the career doesn’t take me. Especially not when I have kids, I hope they never get the Chief’s vehicle and Chaplain knocking at the door. I pray that will never happen to them.

Hurting

I’m pissed beyond what words can describe! And so many thoughts are going through my head that I think straight! The best I can do is write, write everything on my mind. So I would like to apologize now, you will be hearing a lot from me, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to do. Writing gets this crap off my mind and it helps keep me alive…for now. I’m just hurting so bad! And I’m so damn angry! I honestly can’t tell you how much longer I can take this! This job, these people are killing me! Literally! If you never hear from me again…well…they were successful!

Another fucking fuck up by the Bitch has me so angry I cried, and screamed, and cried and my poor man had to listen to it all. I didn’t mean to and I feel bad for it, but he says he wants to help me despite what he said before. He said I have every right to sue them (something I never wanted to do) and if they don’t fix these problems then he will be pushing for me to do that. This is the last fuck up they have! The very last fucking one! I’m sick of this shit!

Recap time…first Jackass Captain laid his filthy hands on me! To be more specific…as I was walking past him he pulled me by the hips onto his lap, leaned me forward, slapped my ass, and told me that I’ve “been a bad girl”…real fucking nice! This was AFTER other incidents that I told him to stop. He used to tell me I’d make a nice “MILF” one day, and how he’d “love to fuck” me. Yea…I told him to stop, THEN he put his hands on me! I felt violated! Dirty. Nasty. But never told, I didn’t need that black mark on my record when I was just starting this career. But the Chief (the good one, the one that quit because of these assholes) found out, I told him after he kept asking, but I wouldn’t let him tell the Police Chief or the city…biggest mistake ever! But he found out, by was that fun.

Then, after all that, after the Police Chief finally found out about what the Jackass Captain did and got in trouble, the Asshole Lieutenant called me the “Chief’s little bitch”…yea, he had no idea I was sitting right there and could hear him. Once again, I never told. I did e-mail asking for a month off, I needed a break from these dickheads, but that was a mistake because that opened a fucking can of worms! So Asshole Lieuntenant got in trouble and this new Bitch of a “Chief” wasn’t the Chief at the time…but she changed her attitude towards me and made comments that he didn’t deserve the trouble and punishment he got. That I was just overreacting…I get accused of that a lot. I guess I should just keep my stupid mouth shut, huh?

Well now that this Bitch is the acting “Chief” I’m really fucked! And she is the most worthless, useless, underqualified “Chief” I have ever know! Fuck! I thought some Chief’s were bad…this Bitch is by far the worse!! So she changed our shift times, which fucked me over and I couldn’t put in availability at all for this month…there went just over half my income that I was counting on…stupid whore! Well I e-mailed her, TWICE, about not being able to work the shifts. Once almost two weeks ago now and once again today. Shortly after my second e-mail I get an e-mail to the whole staff with the schedules…yes, without me on there at all, whatever. Well, I called to ask if she was receiving my e-mails, because I have not gotten a single response. This is how that conservation went…

Me: This is “the employee you hate”, I was just wondering if you are getting my e-mails.

Bitch: Yes. (For the record, she started a bitch tone the moment she found out it was me.)

Me: I was wondering if there is a reason you’re not responding to them.

Bitch: I’m very busy, I don’t have time to respond to your e-mails.

Me: But you’re getting them? Because I never got anything back, from the first e-mail and again today. I just want to know if there is a reson I’m not getting a response.

Bitch: I don’t appreciate your tone.

Me: And I am just wondering if there is a reason why you’re not responding to my e-mails.

Bitch: Ok, STOP! You need to listen! I do not appreciate your tone! I am very busy and I don’t have the time to respond to your e-mails. You tone need to stop NOW! I have a lot to do and if I don’t have the time to respond to your e-mails, then you need to wait. Your tone is not needed and it can stop now, do you understand?

Me: Yes ma’am! (With a fucking attitude!!!!)

The Bitch continued on, but I didn’t listen, I didn’t need to, nothing she said or every says again is worth my time. I was beyond mad! I just sat there and cried! Cried for hours! Then my man called and I cried some more. I know he doesn’t want to hear this shit anymore, but he listened and said he’d help. I just cried some more and kept saying sorry, he said that as long as I’m stuck in this hell hole he’ll be here to help me. He’s got a meeting coming up too…with one of the city officials coming up, about something completely different. He’s not going to bring the hell hole up, but if the city official does…well it’s fair game! He’s going to make it clear that I have full rights to sue and if they don’t fix this shit, then he will be backing me 100% to do so! And given these officials respect him very much…well that should help things…I hope! Now I just have to see if the conversation actually happens…I’m praying the official brings up that hell hole or it won’t happen…

For now…sleep…it’s back to hell tomorrow…back to planning the end of me…

Don’t Forget the First Responders

Heaven gained some beautiful angles this week when they were stolen from their families. Their lives cut short, never knowing what they might have been, might have done. These beautiful babies, just starting their lives. Never getting their first dance, never getting to graduate, or drive a car, or learn to live.

But don’t forget those first responders, police, fire, and EMS, that arrived there, some entering without knowing where the shooter was, just to save a life. Don’t forget about them, what they saw, what they feel.

My worst fear in this career isn’t my injury, nor is it my death. My worst fear is being sent to a scene like this, or the Colorado shooting, or 9/11. My worst fear is being sent to a burning house only to pull a lifeless child from the building. My worst fear is watching an innocent child, so helpless, losing their life because of someone else. My worst fear was lived by these first responders.

I can’t imagine what they saw, how it will haunt their lives forever. I can’t imagine how helpless they felt, knowing there is little you can do. I can’t imagine how they felt telling parents their little angle was not coming home tonight.

So next time you complain about the firetruck delaying your trip, or the ambulance that caused more traffic, or those “Union Firefighters” that just sit around and want more money…think about what they have seen, what they have done, what they do every day for you. Think about those soldiers fighting for you right to judge and belittle the people that keep you safe every day.

You Might Cry

This is my warning…you might cry. I’m sorry, I just feel it is EXTREMELY important to share these videos so please watch and share with other’s out there! Especially the second one and you will read why shortly.

This first video was created by the Chicago Fire Department called “Everyone Goes Home.” It is moving and discusses the importance of safety. Everything from your seat belt to calling a mayday. Even if you’re not in the fire service, you might find this eye opening and interesting.

The next video I find VERY important for the public to watch, more so than the firefighters out there. This is moving and you will cry, trust me! All the guys did when we watched this. It talks about budget cuts and maybe the next time you are voting on taxes that include fire/EMS you might start thinking about this video. There are places taxes and money needs to be cut, such as in the salary of those government employees sitting in their nice and comfortable offices or their vacation homes…but it’s not in Military, Police, Fire, nor EMS. As you saw in my past posts…the majority of public safety officials cannot support themselves, let alone a family, on their income of one job that’s why we require so many. But despite that, we will never quit the job we love. We love serving the public and ask little in return so show some respect please.

Please share these stories, they are extremely important. Thank you.

Warning: Do Not Speak Of It

Warning: Do Not Read.

My mind is all over tonight, from one thought to another, which never turns to good things. I should apologize now…I’m sorry. My mind is not in a good place right now.

Why is it so easy for me? So easy to think about the easy way out? The unspeakable? It’s so easy for me to turn to that option, to plan it out, to wonder how but never to do. Something always holds me back, something keeps me here, and that something is starting to piss me off.

This job is killing me and maybe if it does that’ll mean help in the future for other people that end up in the position I am in. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t work here but can’t survive without the income. I can’t end my life either. Now I’m just hoping I will get lucky and someone or something will do it for me!

I was doing so good, but once again everything had to come along and fuck it all up for me. Every single time. I guess I’m meant to suffer. I’m suppose to hurt. I’m suppose to be punished. And I’m not luck enough to get the easy way out.