Day 20

I would like to thank rocksforbrains for giving me something to be thankful for. Thank you rocks! You have given me a distraction, showed me that someone does care, and are trying to help. I really appreciate it.

I’m having a really hard time right now, worse than it has been in a long time. Thank you for reminding me of things I forget too often. I’m trying hard to get better, I just have so many set backs. There’s no where to go that is “safe” for me.

Today was a major set back, I was stuck at “hell” job with nothing but problems at work. I was stuck with all the asshole and problem children so I sat by myself, hiding out the entire day. Well, almost the entire day…see no one there does jackshit, literally! Not even the full time staff. I spend all my time there doing ALL the chores BY MYSELF! This is how my day goes: clean bathrooms, take out trash, sweep, vacuum, mop, wipe down tables, straighten up, do dishes, clean all 3 ambulances inside and out, disinfect ambulances, and clean ambulance bay. I do all of these things completely alone, sometimes I even have to clean AROUND people because they won’t get up.

Do I have to do this stuff? No, not really, but I’m not going to be lazy, I believe in earning my paycheck…maybe it’s the years of abuse. So I do all this work completely alone, with zero help from the staff making the real money. I bust my ass for nothing. It gets me no where but called the “Chief’s little bitch” and talked bad about daily. I am completely alone and it’s killing me. I sat outside today, by myself in the cold, thinking of ways to end it all. I know rocks…not what you wanted, but I didn’t have any distractions.

At one point one of the detectives drove past and saw me sitting there. We share a common parking lot with police, so they are always around. I pray he didn’t see me, or if he did he didn’t think anything of it, because I really do not want to go another round with the Police Chief. No that he is a bad guy, I just don’t want to go through that. If anyone were to tell him what I’ve been thinking or what I’ve said, he’s probably drive me out himself to get evaluated. I don’t want that. I don’t want him thinking I’m crazy. Yes, I need the help, bad! But I seriously doubt telling will land me in a good place…I just hope no one brings him into this. He will force me to the help I need, that’s for sure, but I don’t know if I’d like him calling all the shots.

It just feels hopeless and lonely right now, but thank you rocks for helping me through this. I really do appreciate it more than you know.

Holiday’s…Not My Cup of Tea

It seems like each holiday something worse happens. The 4th started off with my mom yelling all morning. Then I took myself to the clinic because I felt like I was coming down with a sinus infection…great. Got some meds, went home, got yelled at more. People showed up to party, I just felt like crap. Finally went to lay down because my migraine was getting really bad and the medicine wasn’t working. I got up for a bit, after all it’s my party, I can’t let this horrible migraine get to me.

I then found my phone with some water on it…guess what…phone won’t turn on. Someone spilled water all over it while it was charging therefore the waterproof case did not protect it…just wonderful. The best part…no one told me! Put the phone in a bag of rice…woke up today and the touch screen won’t work. For the record…I just bought this phone 12 days ago…not happy.

And to make all the even better, I came down with the flu! Not the brown bottle flu either, the flu flu. I’ve been up all night, can’t hold anything down, this is horrible. Migraine is better though…for now. So now my man is headed over to care for me when he should be doing the stuff he needs to get done. He’s also going to drive me up to try and get my phone replaced today which is apparently going to cost me $50…I guess that’s better than $700 but this just sucks so bad!! I’m more pissed that no one told me!

Happy 4th!