30 Day Challenge: Day 2

20131209-225355.jpg

Day 2 and going strong. Time for 20 facts about me…try to keep up!

1. My mother was 8 months pregnant when she found out she was having twins (surprise!). She named me after the song she heard on the drive home, lucky baby number 1 right here.

2. My childhood was living hell (or at least close to it). My father physically beat me any chance he got, and as an added bonus I got to listen to him call me names and degrade me. My mother loved to remind me how worthless I am, how I will never amount to anything, and make me feel so helpless. Both my parents are extremely controlling, to the point where it effects my daily life, they literally scare me.

3. I LOVE my job and career, but I HATE the politics! So much so that I’ve considered finding a new career.

4. I hate our current president and his clan of mindless idiots. They are ruining this country and his damn color has nothing to do with it, he’s just an idiot! I think the government should be VOLUNTEER positions!

5. I own several handguns that are practically always on me. I will exercise the right to defend myself if you feel the need to threaten me. I pray I never need it, however I will if I have to.

6. I am currently working 7 jobs (yes SEVEN) just to stay afloat! This UNaffordable health care SHIT is drowning me! I can’t make ends meet anymore and it’s killing me.

7. If I could afford to go to school to be a doctor I would! I would love to be an ER doctor or something but I will never be able to afford that.

8. I really wanted to join the military after high school but a car accident paralyzed me from the waist down for several hours and due to a traumatic head injury I can’t even qualify for the National Guard. It hurts me bad that I could never join. I hate it.

9. I love taking pictures and share my work and sell some too. I just wish I had a job that supported more travel so I could get out and capture the world.

10. I am a loser. Between the 7 jobs and basic housework I have no life. Seriously it’s work and home, nothing else. I’m a loser.

11. I don’t drink. Ever. Not even a sip, I refuse to be like my parents. Because I don’t drink I’ll never find a guy, I hate clubs and bars so I’m “weird”…you know, the loser.

12. I made a promise to my man that I would “keep an open mind” at his request. I have always wanted kids and a family but he thinks I should have that with someone my age so we can “grow old together”. He wants me to keep an open mind to any guys out there, encourages me to date and meet new people, and wants nothing nothing more than me letting him know if I’m going on a date, and he wants nothing in return. He just wants me happy. But until someone comes along he is still my man and as much as I want that family, I’m in no rush to leave the man that treats me like a God. He is SO good to me!

13. My dog is my life. He is the only one that is always there for me, loves me no matter what, and has become my best friend. If a rare occasion comes that I’m off work, I don’t want to leave home because my furry buddy can’t go. We will literally lay in bed staring at the ceiling for hours just because I can’t leave him.

14. I love to geocache! It really sucks working so much, I wish I could go more. But what I really wish…I wish someone paid me to geocache and take pictures. How great would that be!

15. I have a horrible case of ADHD! It has been known my whole life. Teachers in school use to just send me off because I couldn’t sit still, never got written up, no suspensions, not detentions either but I literally skipped class all the time and barely ever did homework (between the beatings and the ADHD, I didn’t have time).

16. I can never sleep. Ever. It takes hours to fall asleep, I randomly wake up at all hours, and I always wake up before 6:30 for some reason. I am living in a constant stages of tired.

17. I love water! I am a strong swimmer. I can spend hours swimming and not tire out. I can tread water at the lake for hours and do laps too. I love to wakeboard and basically all things water.

18. I’ve thought about killing myself more times than I care to remember, and I still think about it often. I’ve tried a couple times but that was before I knew how. I never told anyone.

19. I live with migraines almost daily. I have “functioning” migraine, which basically means I can get up and still work, though it’s not easy. I am always in pain and it’s horrible.

20. One day, I will change the world. I don’t know how, but I will.

All New

20130101-222624.jpg

Hello 2013, I had plans to never meet you. My plans for 2012 were to never make it to Thanksgiving. That came and went, my next plan was to not have to go through Christmas and never have to see 2013, but then came a promise.

A 10 day challenge that has turned into much more. A promise I have to keep, however had it gets. Boy has it been hard!! I have spent many nights crying, most alone. I have planned and threw it out. I have sat alone, isolated. I have been torn down, broken, beaten, and belittled. I’m not sure how I keep going.

I spent my New Years working, most if it, then went to see my man and just cried! I spent my New Years in his arms crying. Sunday I left work with a horrible migraine that just keep getting worse. I cried, hard. Tears. So much pain. And I was stuck home alone with no one to help me, I cried more. Went to hell job Monday to deal with more shit than I care to write out right now! I hope that bitch gets run over by a fucking semi!! Then went to my man and just crying from pain. Emotionally and physically. I just cried.

Today…I’m starting day 1 of no work. Fucking bitch! And her retaliation! I’m waiting to see what February’s schedule has before I go to the high boss. I have detailed documentation of every single thing that has happened since October…she is so fucked!

For now…sleep. My body is exhausted. Happy New Year to all my blogging friends! I hope you had a wonderful time!

Dear Dad

I officially hate you! I know what you’re thinking…hate is a strong word! Let’s review the definition:

Hate [heyt] verb, hat·ed, hat·ing, noun
verb (used with object)
1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry.
2. to be unwilling; dislike: I hate to do it.
You don’t like the word hate? Ok, Dear dad, I intensely and passionately dislike you! There is more hostility now than ever! I detest you! Better? Let’s go through the reasons why, shall we?
  1. You bitch to your friends about me planning and taking a vacation I paid for! Get over it that I didn’t tell you! I was 24 years old at the time…grow up!
  2. You’ve never, not once shown any appreciation, nor pride for me. Thanks! You wonder why I didn’t invite you and mom to my fire department graduation…this is number one why!
  3. You beat my ass any given chance.
  4. You put me down every given chance.
  5. You pick on me.
  6. You never have anything positive to say to or about me.
  7. You treat me like some pile of shit you walked in.
  8. You make sure I feel worthless.
  9. You treat me like a child! Sign MY car over to me already!
  10. You lie to your family about me!
This list could go on forever. But what broke me down today, worse than before? What made me cry? What cause my man to come over and take care of me? The below conservation, word for word. Yes, that is the exact way his texts came through.
From me: I would appreciate if you signed my car over to me. I am a 25 year old adult and you cannot control me anymore. The car is mine, I paid for it and you have never paid a penny since I’ve owned it. I’d also appreciate your family, especially your mother, not blaming me for the divorce. I work 5 jobs AND go to school! I’m not like your son, you can’t expect me to be around, even mom doesn’t see me so I’m sorry but learn to deal with it. You can’t expect me to just forget everything you have done to me over the years, it doesn’t work like that. Once you make an effort like other people have to start treating me better and like an adult than I’ll come around more. Cut me out of your will, life, I don’t care, I will no longer subject myself to being treated crappy. I am an adult and when you start acting like a civilized one than I will be around more.
From my dad: All you care about is you and i will sign when i have time like you you are the one who treats everyone crappy
From me: Grow up.
From my dad: You are the one who should grow up only tome i ever heat from you is when you want something just like right now
It wad never all me or you it is a combo of us
From me: I never said I was perfect but I never deserved what you put me through. I word 5 jobs!! Excuse me if my time is limited! What VERY little time I have off is spent doing work I have to do. I don’t get evenings and weekends off.
From my dad: I never said that all you could do Ian call because when i call you act like i am bother you that might not be right but that is how it feels and i know you work alot i am proud of what you have become

At this point I gave up and just stopped all communication. Fuck him! Pardon my language! I’m not perfect and I’ll be honest, I make zero effort to contact or go see him! Hell, I didn’t even go over to get my Christmas present until the end of February and didn’t get my birthday present until 3 months later. Why should I come see him?! The man used to beat me for no real reason, just because he was angry. He beat me so hard one night I blacked out and woke up to my mom screaming my name. I still remember the first time he hit me, or at least the first time I remember being hit.

It was a stormy night, my sister would shut up. We were in the first house then, just a little two bedroom so I was sharing bunk beds with my sister and my brother was in there too. Tiny house! Anyway, my sister wouldn’t shut up and couldn’t fall asleep because of the storms. I finally told her to be quiet or we’ll be in trouble. I’m not sure why but I had an irrational fear of him then. When I told her to be quit it was my voice my dad swore he heard, not hers talking to whole time. He called me out to the living room when him and my mom were watching tv. Told me to come over to him and popped my ass so hard I couldn’t move. I cried for hours. My mom was shocked. She comforted me for a while but finally told me to shut up already and go to sleep. I couldn’t believe it. From then on I was scared to death and knew my fate.

That was not the only time he hit me, slowly those hits turned into beating. I remember one day, in our third house, he threw me into the wall, when I bounced off he knocked me across the head. Down I went, not out, but down for the count. I couldn’t get up. Couldn’t move. It hurt bad. There was another moment in our third house, he beat me in front of the neighbors. He was getting bolder by then. He let me have it. Held me down and punched me in the arm, back, then head. That’s when people stopped coming over. That’s when people stopped “fighting for me.” I was on my own after that.

There is one final day in our third house that stands out in my memory more than others. I was working 3 jobs and going to school. It was 2 retail jobs, tutoring, and full time student. It was exhausting! Monday-Friday I was up at 4am, off to job 1 from 5am-10am. At 10am I left for school, 45 minutes south of work, school was from 11am-12pm. After school I had to tutor student for an hour, until 1pm. At 1pm I left to drive back 45 minutes north to the same location, but different building for job 2, which I had to be at by 2pm. I worked job 2 until 11pm. Drove 30 minutes home and started the cycle all over again at 4am. Saturday and Sunday was job 1/job 2 in the morning followed by the other job in the evening. Working 7 days a week, taking classroom classes 5 days a week, and two online classes.

One night during this time frame I got a text from my dad bitching about how dirty our room was. I say “our room” because I shared it with my sister. I wasn’t home enough to make a mess and I did the best I could to keep it clean, but he was pissed. I got home at 11:30 that night to every single item out of my closet, out of my dresser, off shelves, out from under my bed…EVERYTHING in my room piled on the floor. I was LIVID! In fact that doesn’t even begin to describe how pissed I was! And to top it off I was told I had to clean it ALL before I was allowed to go to bed! I still had homework and had to be up at 4am for work…that didn’t matter.I was dead tired the next day. Exhausted beyond belief. I was so tired that I fell asleep behind the wheel. Scariest moment of my life. By God’s grace I managed not to wreck or hit anyone but from that moment on I swore things would change. I got a boyfriend (stories on later, now asshole ex), changed majors, changed jobs, and stayed away from home as much as possible. My life changed after that.

This same father, who has done numerous other things, expects me to just drop by, call and chat, like nothing ever happened…I don’t think so! You have taken too much control of my life and ruined too much happiness for me. I’m done! I am determined to stay strong and stand up for myself! I will no longer subject myself to that treatment. You abused me too many times! I’m done! So when Father’s Day comes…I will NOT be spending it with my father! I will be celebrating the people who stood in his place and showed me the love and help me when I need it most.

I know this picture will probably piss some people off, I’m sorry, but it’s kind of funny. Dad’s running from responsibility…I know a lot of that and color has NOTHING to do with it! I just need a laugh and this picture made that happen. Sorry folks, please refrain from negative comments, this is my blog and I am going to share anything that makes me laugh, just like the following, it made me laugh too!

Cashew (noun) – The sound of a nut sneezing.

Thank you for the laugh GrouchyRabbit!