Dear Dad

I officially hate you! I know what you’re thinking…hate is a strong word! Let’s review the definition:

Hate [heyt] verb, hat·ed, hat·ing, noun
verb (used with object)
1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry.
2. to be unwilling; dislike: I hate to do it.
You don’t like the word hate? Ok, Dear dad, I intensely and passionately dislike you! There is more hostility now than ever! I detest you! Better? Let’s go through the reasons why, shall we?
  1. You bitch to your friends about me planning and taking a vacation I paid for! Get over it that I didn’t tell you! I was 24 years old at the time…grow up!
  2. You’ve never, not once shown any appreciation, nor pride for me. Thanks! You wonder why I didn’t invite you and mom to my fire department graduation…this is number one why!
  3. You beat my ass any given chance.
  4. You put me down every given chance.
  5. You pick on me.
  6. You never have anything positive to say to or about me.
  7. You treat me like some pile of shit you walked in.
  8. You make sure I feel worthless.
  9. You treat me like a child! Sign MY car over to me already!
  10. You lie to your family about me!
This list could go on forever. But what broke me down today, worse than before? What made me cry? What cause my man to come over and take care of me? The below conservation, word for word. Yes, that is the exact way his texts came through.
From me: I would appreciate if you signed my car over to me. I am a 25 year old adult and you cannot control me anymore. The car is mine, I paid for it and you have never paid a penny since I’ve owned it. I’d also appreciate your family, especially your mother, not blaming me for the divorce. I work 5 jobs AND go to school! I’m not like your son, you can’t expect me to be around, even mom doesn’t see me so I’m sorry but learn to deal with it. You can’t expect me to just forget everything you have done to me over the years, it doesn’t work like that. Once you make an effort like other people have to start treating me better and like an adult than I’ll come around more. Cut me out of your will, life, I don’t care, I will no longer subject myself to being treated crappy. I am an adult and when you start acting like a civilized one than I will be around more.
From my dad: All you care about is you and i will sign when i have time like you you are the one who treats everyone crappy
From me: Grow up.
From my dad: You are the one who should grow up only tome i ever heat from you is when you want something just like right now
It wad never all me or you it is a combo of us
From me: I never said I was perfect but I never deserved what you put me through. I word 5 jobs!! Excuse me if my time is limited! What VERY little time I have off is spent doing work I have to do. I don’t get evenings and weekends off.
From my dad: I never said that all you could do Ian call because when i call you act like i am bother you that might not be right but that is how it feels and i know you work alot i am proud of what you have become

At this point I gave up and just stopped all communication. Fuck him! Pardon my language! I’m not perfect and I’ll be honest, I make zero effort to contact or go see him! Hell, I didn’t even go over to get my Christmas present until the end of February and didn’t get my birthday present until 3 months later. Why should I come see him?! The man used to beat me for no real reason, just because he was angry. He beat me so hard one night I blacked out and woke up to my mom screaming my name. I still remember the first time he hit me, or at least the first time I remember being hit.

It was a stormy night, my sister would shut up. We were in the first house then, just a little two bedroom so I was sharing bunk beds with my sister and my brother was in there too. Tiny house! Anyway, my sister wouldn’t shut up and couldn’t fall asleep because of the storms. I finally told her to be quiet or we’ll be in trouble. I’m not sure why but I had an irrational fear of him then. When I told her to be quit it was my voice my dad swore he heard, not hers talking to whole time. He called me out to the living room when him and my mom were watching tv. Told me to come over to him and popped my ass so hard I couldn’t move. I cried for hours. My mom was shocked. She comforted me for a while but finally told me to shut up already and go to sleep. I couldn’t believe it. From then on I was scared to death and knew my fate.

That was not the only time he hit me, slowly those hits turned into beating. I remember one day, in our third house, he threw me into the wall, when I bounced off he knocked me across the head. Down I went, not out, but down for the count. I couldn’t get up. Couldn’t move. It hurt bad. There was another moment in our third house, he beat me in front of the neighbors. He was getting bolder by then. He let me have it. Held me down and punched me in the arm, back, then head. That’s when people stopped coming over. That’s when people stopped “fighting for me.” I was on my own after that.

There is one final day in our third house that stands out in my memory more than others. I was working 3 jobs and going to school. It was 2 retail jobs, tutoring, and full time student. It was exhausting! Monday-Friday I was up at 4am, off to job 1 from 5am-10am. At 10am I left for school, 45 minutes south of work, school was from 11am-12pm. After school I had to tutor student for an hour, until 1pm. At 1pm I left to drive back 45 minutes north to the same location, but different building for job 2, which I had to be at by 2pm. I worked job 2 until 11pm. Drove 30 minutes home and started the cycle all over again at 4am. Saturday and Sunday was job 1/job 2 in the morning followed by the other job in the evening. Working 7 days a week, taking classroom classes 5 days a week, and two online classes.

One night during this time frame I got a text from my dad bitching about how dirty our room was. I say “our room” because I shared it with my sister. I wasn’t home enough to make a mess and I did the best I could to keep it clean, but he was pissed. I got home at 11:30 that night to every single item out of my closet, out of my dresser, off shelves, out from under my bed…EVERYTHING in my room piled on the floor. I was LIVID! In fact that doesn’t even begin to describe how pissed I was! And to top it off I was told I had to clean it ALL before I was allowed to go to bed! I still had homework and had to be up at 4am for work…that didn’t matter.I was dead tired the next day. Exhausted beyond belief. I was so tired that I fell asleep behind the wheel. Scariest moment of my life. By God’s grace I managed not to wreck or hit anyone but from that moment on I swore things would change. I got a boyfriend (stories on later, now asshole ex), changed majors, changed jobs, and stayed away from home as much as possible. My life changed after that.

This same father, who has done numerous other things, expects me to just drop by, call and chat, like nothing ever happened…I don’t think so! You have taken too much control of my life and ruined too much happiness for me. I’m done! I am determined to stay strong and stand up for myself! I will no longer subject myself to that treatment. You abused me too many times! I’m done! So when Father’s Day comes…I will NOT be spending it with my father! I will be celebrating the people who stood in his place and showed me the love and help me when I need it most.

I know this picture will probably piss some people off, I’m sorry, but it’s kind of funny. Dad’s running from responsibility…I know a lot of that and color has NOTHING to do with it! I just need a laugh and this picture made that happen. Sorry folks, please refrain from negative comments, this is my blog and I am going to share anything that makes me laugh, just like the following, it made me laugh too!

Cashew (noun) – The sound of a nut sneezing.

Thank you for the laugh GrouchyRabbit!

Opinions Please…

Asking for a bit of help from anyone out there that reads the crap I write. I currently have two associates degrees with over 160 credit hours. Crazy, I know. When I switched to the Paramedic degree I was just one class away from my Liberal Arts so I finished that one, then while taking the Paramedic degree classes I took some Fire Science classes as well. So technically I have 2.5 degrees because I’m almost done with the Fire Science but I’m not going to finish it with the college. I get the training and certifications with my department, I don’t really need that associates since I already have two. Anyway, my reason for this blog…

What do I want to get my bachelor’s degree in? This is proving to be a tough decision. Originally I was going to get a management degree because I can use that to work my way up in my field but after thinking about it more…I don’t know. I LOVE my job! More than anything, but I want kids, a family…I don’t want to continue to work 5 jobs when that day comes. Don’t get me wrong, I love work, love all my jobs, but I don’t want to work my life away. Now, what to get my bachelor’s in…

When I first started applying for college my goal was to get into law school, I was crazy! Haha, but really, I’d love to do that now! However, I can’t afford that. I need someone that can put me through school and allow me to pay them back, either work it off now or after school…that’s never going to happen, just my dream land. I have also thought about becoming a doctor, same deal though…it takes money, something I don’t have much of. : ( I could see myself doing either one of these jobs, but the problem is paying for schooling and being able to afford the time off work to go though this…I need a rich friend or family member.

Some other options I have been thinking about include accounting (but my ADHD would really have to be controlled with this one), some kind of computer programming or designing (I’m very good with technology), engineering (I’m really good at math), or something hands on, I’m very good with my hands and love being challenged. One thing is for sure, whatever I pick I think I’d like to minor in writing, it’s something I have always thought about. See, the thing about my career right now is if I’m ever injured or hurt on the job, which happens every day, I need something to fall back on. And like I said before, I don’t want to work 5 jobs, I’d love to be a Firefighter/Paramedic one place and work a whole different career in something else. I don’t want to get burnt out like so many people I know.

So, my problems keeping me from picking a major/minor for my bachelor:

  • Money. How am I to pay for this? I need to pick a degree that I can many enough money to pay the loans back or find someone to help me, sponsor me, whatever.
  • Choosing which one would be best for me.
  • Need. Which job will be in need when I get out of school? I know so many people with a major in psychology or marketing and they can’t find a job to save their life. They are in major debt and no job. I don’t want that.

I do know one thing, I want to minor in writing! I do want to follow that path to some extent. Do I pick something to go with the minor in writing and work fully towards my dream of writing? That sure would be hard and I’m looking for something that is going to help pay my loans off right away, not prolong them. What to do, what to do…HELP!

Next subject on today’s agenda, my “oh so wonderful” father. Could you hear the sarcasm in that? A few weeks back my father told me he was not going to sign my car over to me, the one I bought and paid for, the one he hasn’t spent a single dime on, and the one I did NOT want his name on! This stupid divorce strikes again! When all the paperwork was filed and everything done the car was suppose to be put in my name and my name only. Somehow my dumbass father ended up being able to put his name on it. Well, I bought a new car and kept the old one because it only costs me $40 a month on insurance. Well, I wanted to insure them both under me to get the multi car discount…the asshole refuses to sign the car to me, he says, “it’s fine the way it is.” Controlling jerk! And he wonders why I won’t talk to him.

Today he was at the house picking up his crap when I came home from work, I didn’t say a single word to him! He was not happy but I don’t care anymore. It’s like training a dog, I’m not letting in! He just wants his name on the car so he can control me more and I refuse to let that happen. I’m pissed, I can’t sell it or anything either because the jerk refuses to do anything with it. I am one very pissed off person right now. He’s such a damn abusive child! Grow the hell up!! He used to bitch and whine to people that I was going on vacation and what a bitch I was for it. They would ask him if he was paying for it…nope. They would ask him if I was using his stuff for it…nope. They would ask him why he cared and told him to leave me alone, there is nothing wrong with a 24 year old planning a vacation…he doesn’t need to be involved. My life…one story at a time…

Other than all this stuff, life with my man has been awesome! I couldn’t be more happy with him! I won’t lie, some days I wish he were closer to my age, it just makes things easier, but he’s totally worth the battle! I’m so happy with him in my life, he supports me, loves me, cares for me, helps me, and just is the rock of my life. I can’t wait to see him again, we have lots planned this week. Geocaching, bike trips with geocaching, fishing, swimming, day trips to the country…I’m so excited! You’ll probably hear from me less this week. Tomorrow is surgery, have to get a tooth repaired that I broke…damn dentists are expensive!! They need to regulate that crap! Ugh! Oh well, has to be done I guess…so off to bed I go. Only slept 3 hours last night with a 15 minute nap today. I’m starting to get slap happy and I need to try to get my butt in bed before that happens. Big day tomorrow, will advise on how everything goes. Thank you God for sedation dentistry! Numbing has never worked on me, finally I’m not so afraid of the dentist.