Talking to a Stump

So “hell” job has been getting more hellish by each day! This new Chief is totally fucking USELESS!! We have been operating without her basically because she has VERY little medical experience and doesn’t even have a paramedic license to tell us what to do medically…how can they call her a “Chief”?! Legally…they can’t. They just have her the title to shut her the fuck up! What a waste! Thank God the Police Chief is still our highest Chief or we’d really be fucked!! She’s writing up people for stupid shit, the good people, but doing NOTHING about these problem children. Ugh.

So that jackass Captain is gone, but the problems stay. One of the employees that witnessed what jackass did to me has taken his side and said I started it! Wtf?!? I hate myself daily for what that fucker did and now everyone is saying it’s my fault?!? That asshole told me I’d make a nice MILF one day and other stupid comments and then put HIS hands on ME! I never fucking asked for it! I told him to stop numerous times and the fucker didn’t! I’m just livid with the whole damn thing! I could beat them all with a damn bat and not care!

Sorry…just anger to the extreme when it comes to this whole damn situation! So this idiot that witnessed it…well he has turned into a real problem lately. He has been flat out ignoring me around the station, so much so that he will make a point to take to every single person around me, and then ignore anything I say, even if it is directly to him. There’s only so many times you can talk to a stump before people think you’re crazy so I gave up and played his game. The problem here though, is he has started to ignore me on emergency calls. This is a BIG problem! For the patient mainly! And it has caused some very bad situations so I decided to take it to this new Chief Useless…what a waste! So this is the e-mail I sent her:

Useless, (I refuse to call her Chief)

I would like to have a few minutes of your time to discuss a matter between “Stump” and myself. This has been a consistent problem for a few months now and only seems to be increasing in severity. I have not yet confronted “Stump” about this matter seeing as he will not communicate with me, but also because I would like management present during the conversation.

“Stump” has been ignoring me completely while around the station. So much so that if I talk to him or ask a question, he will not respond in any way. This has become a problem because he has started to do this on emergency calls as well. When we are out on emergency calls, he will continue to ignore me and not acknowledge any questions asked. One particular incident happened on “a particular day” when we responded to an emergency call at the “location with a LOT of by-standards and family” which has since led to more incidents.

On “this day” I ran two calls with “Stump”, both of which he would not say a word to me while working with the patient. Once the patient was loaded into the ambulance, he told me that he was ready to go, implying that I should just drive the truck. Both times I got into the rear of the truck to try to assist him, but he would tell me he was ready to go again. I thought he was just wanting to get the call done with so we could return to quarters, however after returning to the station I found out this was not the case.

After returning to the station, I was sitting in the report room finishing my paperwork. “Stump” and “ex Lieutenant” (he sure is making a great image for himself…) were in the day room discussing the call we had just ran. I heard “Stump” tell ex Lieutenant that he won’t let me do anything, just told me to drive the truck and laughed about it. Ex Lieutenant and “Stump” both laughed about this and “Stump” said he did this on both our calls today.

I do not appreciate what was said, nor the fact that they were laughing about it. More importantly, I think it is completely unprofessional to ignore your partner while operating on an emergency call where the patient and bystanders clearly witness this lack of teamwork! If “Stump” does not want to acknowledge me around the station, that is his choice, but this behavior is unacceptable while working with the public.

This problem has gotten worse since the incident with the note left in unit “XXXX”. I had no intention of someone getting into trouble over that incident. I merely wondered why the note was left and the stock was much higher than the amount recent policy directed should be there.

I would like this matter resolved, but will not meet with “Stump” without management present. I would like to discuss a way to resolve this before “Stump” is contacted. I fear more repercussion from him. I expect this to remain confidential except for those above you in the chain of command before this issue is resolved.

Thank you,
The Abused Employee

Maybe that is what I should change this blog name too…”The Abused Employee”…hmm…

Well, I sent her that e-mail, walking into the office, asked that she ready it, and waited. I told her it needs to be fixed and I should not lose pay YET AGAIN because of another fucking co-worker! So what does she do? What is her plan of action? She forwarded it to the Police Chief and said she is going to request he handles this. Just fucking great!! Now I’m really pissed because I do not want him involved! He’s a great guy, sure, caring and all, but he’s the POLICE CHIEF! He’s fucking intimidating!! And his eyes…they can see right through you! Not to mention he is BUSY! Running two department! I mean geez…now the bitch really showed how useless she is!!! Fuck!

So at the Police Station there is an interview room that we all joke about. You know you’re in trouble when you get called there. Either you are getting fired or you were involved in someone else getting fired. We call it the “Purple Room” (color has been changed to protect me). When someone messed up we joke that they are going to get called to the purple room…it’s kind of like being threatened to go to the principals office when younger, expect this “principal” can arrest and fire you. So, to this day I am the ONLY employee to avoid this purple room! Yes, I avoided it when the jackass Captain and ex lieutenant pulled their shit, and I have my man to thank for that. He knows the Police Chief, fairly well and explained to him that if he takes me in there I will shut down, my up bringing caused that. Apparently the Police Chief was concerned for my sake, my man said he had never seen that look in Cheif’s eyes and was truly sorry for me, so he arranged our interview to be else where. This time…well I’m not sure I’ll be able to avoid that room.

Now I know how truly useless this new Chief is and I’m done taking problems I her!! Either I handle it myself or I get over it like I’m suppose to! Talk about being alone, with no one in my corner, in fucking hell! Anyone want to hire me for slave labor? I swear I’m a harder worker!!

Life and It’s Complications

I’m here. For the moment anyway. I’ve been thinking for days, things racing through my mind faster than I can process, and I need to get it out. I’ve been avoiding my blog, partly because I don’t want to rant, but also because I can’t organize everything enough to get the words out and have them make sense. I’m so lost, confused, and alone right now.

I know I could turn to my man, but I won’t, not right now. That’s complicated. See, he says he strives to be my “totally awesome man” which he is great at! But there’s one complicated piece of that. He has a hard time listening, like truly listening, but this wasn’t always the case. A little background information…

When I first started talking to my man he figured me out fairly fast, faster than most. I have a hard time with communication, years of abuse ruined that life skill for me. I keep my mouth shut, take everything people say, until one days I can’t take it anymore and snap. Usually at the wrong place, wrong time, and wrong person. Talking is hard for me. So much runs through my mind, I don’t know what I’m suppose to say and what I’m not. I also have a hard time organizing things and getting it out. Most the time when I “talk” it’s just me answering questions asked, that I am good at, talking for myself I am not.

My man learned very quickly how to draw me out, what questions to ask, how to ask them, and waited patiently for me to respond. Sometimes it would take hours or even days to get a response, a proper one, but he learned to wait. He got me to a point where I could talk, without being questioned, and say what was on my mind. I could start to organize my thoughts, I was speaking my mind, and I was getting better at this communication thing…sort of. I had a long way to go but I was making progress.

Then one day, that all stopped. I can’t tell you the exact day, because I don’t know, but it feels that sudden. It’s like over night everything changed. When he became my man, he stopped listening as much. He didn’t want to hear my problems anymore. He stopped listening, he said I need to change things or quit complaining all the time. It was just…different. I understand, if I’m not going to change it then I shouldn’t be complaining, but sometimes I just need to say things, get it off my chest and things feel better, but it almost feels like he doesn’t care about that anymore.

He’s still my awesome man, takes care of me when I need it, helps me, is there for me…but I just feel he doesn’t care to listen to me anymore. And right now I could really use someone to talk to right now. I’m fighting myself just to stay alive. You know that whole “snowball” thing? Where all these small things build on top of each other and create one giant problem? My snowball started years ago and it’s still growing to this day. It never stops. I have no escape. My house has never been a home, it never will be. I don’t have that “safe place” to go when things it tough, I don’t have a place to escape the world, I have nothing.

I got into the first disagreement with my man in a long time, which finally prompted everything out of me. This was our conservation:

My man: I’m just not gonna try to beat out of you what’s wrong…like I don’t know already…and to be honest it’s getting very old honey. Can’t take a lot more of it.

Me: What’s getting old? Me? My problems? I’m doing what you want and I’m still fucking up. I will never be good enough. I’ve been on the damn edge for months and no one cares. Not one single person. Everyone just keeps pushing, even you. It never stops. I don’t have any escape anywhere. Do you even care that I have been crying myself to sleep? That I’m not sleeping? That I spend my nights awake thinking about things I shouldn’t? Would you even care if I was gone? Would you truly care? Because right now I’m seriously doubting it. You haven’t been the person you promised to be lately. I’ve needed to talk for weeks but I can’t come to you for it and I have no one. I’m trying to do exactly as you requested and it’s still not enough. You keep telling me that I need to “get over it” and “move on” and that is stuff is “getting old”…do you know what that does to someone already hurting and breaking down on the inside? Do you know what it’s like to be kicked while you’re down? I know you do, so why are you doing that to me? If you really did care, you would not be doing this to me right now! You say you “can’t take a lot more of it”…well, allow me to spare you it anymore.

My man: I have asked you for two days to talk to me and you won’t! So that accusation is false! Your problems is (name of hell job) and I CAN’T help you with those anymore and I’m NOT sorry about that! I am very HAPPY I quit and if you can’t handle that…then its over. Nothing else I can say! If you have some OTHER problem…I am all ears…call my phone! I absolutely RESENT you for making me feel guilty for not “protecting” you there! Get over it and be tough or quit! Your choice!

Me: I’m over it! And you! And this whole life! And that’s not a threat! That’s a promise! Depending on you was my biggest mistake ever!

My man: Tell me what in this life would make you happy, because I can’t figure it out!

Me: Being dead! That will make me AND EVERYONE happy! Good bye!

That’s when I shut my phone off. I haven’t looked at it since. I shouldn’t have sent the things I did, it was wrong and unfair of me. I’ve just been hurting so bad and he doesn’t want to listen anymore. It’s like he has seriously changed in the last couple weeks. Just randomly decided he doesn’t care about my problems anymore and doesn’t want to hear them.

I just can’t go on anymore. I can’t do it. I’m done. I’m “over it” and over this life.

SOS

I need help! And fast. I’m not going to lie here, I’m going to tell it as it is. For the record, I hate those “suicidal, I just want attention” patients, but I’m really having a hard time. I’m seriously considering joining all these other people jumping off our bridge in town, I’m starting to think they have a good idea here. I’m just so sick of these assholes at this job. I need help.

I was brave enough to send my immediate Chief an e-mail asking for help, however there seems to not be much he can do. Apparently our city doesn’t offer the employee assistance program…to anyone, full time or not. Considering I’m not even full time, I’m just shit out of luck. I need help, bad, but it seems there’s nothing that can help me. I know I need help, but it’s hard. I can’t really afford to pay for counseling out of pocket and it’s all this shit at work causing me to be like this.

This (now ex) lieutenant that got demoted for calling me a horrible name, is making my life a living hell! He’s turning me in for EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING HE CAN! And behind my back. He’s treating me so shitty at work that other employees are commenting on it. It makes me want to off myself. I need help so bad!!

Does anyone know what I can do?? If I have to…I guess I’ll pay out of pocket for counseling, but without insurance I can use…this is hard. I’m so lost, scared of making a horrible mistake, and just…hurting, so much more than I’m letting people know. I can’t handle this! I can’t!

Decisions…Did I Make the Right One

I am completely exhausted but can’t sleep, so here I am, ridding my head of the thoughts keeping me awake.

Today I worked the “new” job, which I’m loving!! I love all the people so far, they are super nice to me! And I love everything about it. It’s just wonderful there!! Especially compared to where I’m stuck now! After a full day at my better job, I’m stuck in hell (the old job) because not a single person would answer me to take this shift. They have taken this “ignore her” plan to a whole new level!

I’m really hating the fact that I decided to come back…and I’m dreading more than ever when the exCaptain returns! In one week exactly he comes back and I’m stuck with him the entire day! I’m so fucked!! And another week after that, I’m stuck with him and his worst buddies. The ones that witnessed what he did to me but swear I was the one laying my hands on him…I won’t what he bribed them with to say that…I hate liars, especially ones that will lie for the highest briber! So I’m suppose to be with them for 24 hours however I’m feeling a case of the flu might be coming on. I’m about 99% sure I’m calling off. If I don’t call off then you better keep all guns, hammers, ropes, scissors, knives, ice picks, and basically any sharp or dangerous object away from me! For my sake, but mostly for theirs.

Though I could come in and really fuck with them…that’s another option. Since we’re not required to stay in the building, I’m feeling some walks, visits to the park, shopping, and anything that keeps me out of the building is a great possibility! Anyone care to join me for lunch?? : )

I’ll know this time next week how good my decision was…I’m thinking I made a bad one here.