What Now?

Why must life be so complicated? So confusing? How did I fall in love with a man nearly twice my age? How did this happen? If you had told me this would happen, I never would have believe you, but love is blind. It’s not his age, it’s how we get along, it’s how he cares, truly cares about me.

Recently I had problems with my man, he forgot my graduation and planned a trip instead. We have the same problems every relationship has, we have disagreement but we move on. The one thing that is different about our relationship is the age and how that part effects our lives. He has expressed concern about how other people might see our relationship and doesn’t want it to hurt me. I really don’t care if they hate our relationship, it’s not theirs. I have had trouble with my family, but they were piss poor anyway so who cares? Honestly, if they left my life would be better off.

We have discussed recently some other problems that come into play with an age gap relationship. Children. I have always wanted to be a mom! I want at least 3 kids, I want to give them everything I didn’t have, love, kindness, and a parent that cares. My original plan in life was to work part time and home school them, but plans change. Life changes. At first my man said how much he wanted to raise a family with me, how he knows what a great mom I’ll be.

Recently he claims to have been thinking a lot and isn’t sure kids are a good idea. I completely see his side, he’s close to retirement, how can he afford kids and raise them? That is his concern. That and he can’t stand to leave me behind, if something happened, if he were called up early in life. I told him that will be figured out if/when that time comes, God forbid. I could marry someone my age and lose them in a car accident, or they walk out on me. Life is uncertain. He saw this when his coworker lost her husband this week, he died at the young age of 40, leaving her to raise their 10 year old son alone. That’s life, it happens. Does it hurt? Yes, but I have come to accept the fact that people die. It is life’s cycle, some are just able to keep it away longer. I would rather spend the time we both have on this earth together.

He told me he would stick around until I found someone, that he loves me enough to let me go and not hold me back from my plans in life. That hurts me, in a way I can’t explain. I don’t want to find someone else, I have the person I want in life. He did tell me that if I were to find someone else he would be very concerned about how I’m treated, how well they take care of me, and how he would worry all the time if I’m happy.

Regardless of what he says, I know what my heart wants. I know who I want to be with for whatever time I have on this earth. I know what I want and I refuse to let it go.