Warning: Do Not Speak Of It

Warning: Do Not Read.

My mind is all over tonight, from one thought to another, which never turns to good things. I should apologize now…I’m sorry. My mind is not in a good place right now.

Why is it so easy for me? So easy to think about the easy way out? The unspeakable? It’s so easy for me to turn to that option, to plan it out, to wonder how but never to do. Something always holds me back, something keeps me here, and that something is starting to piss me off.

This job is killing me and maybe if it does that’ll mean help in the future for other people that end up in the position I am in. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t work here but can’t survive without the income. I can’t end my life either. Now I’m just hoping I will get lucky and someone or something will do it for me!

I was doing so good, but once again everything had to come along and fuck it all up for me. Every single time. I guess I’m meant to suffer. I’m suppose to hurt. I’m suppose to be punished. And I’m not luck enough to get the easy way out.

PTSD?

Over the past several months I have been doing a lot of research and reading, and I mean LOTS! My man mentioned before that he thinks I might be bipolar because my moods change so frequently, however anyone that knows anything about bipolar knows it takes them longer to change from mood to mood. I have a few friends that are, I’ve read a lot on it too, and I don’t think its that at all. Besides, no history of that in the family and I’m never in a manic stage, just depressed or normal. So I started doing a lot of reading to figure out what it might be.

I have ADHD, been diagnosed twice with it. Once when I was younger but my parents said it’s a bullshit disease and they are not paying for medication for it. They said I need my ass beat more, that would fix it…nice, huh? As an adult I got rediagnosed, this time I am taking medication for it. I found some interesting information that confirms my ADHD has a lot to do with my moods. I don’t have the link anymore, but here’s the information I copied over that confirmed it is ADHD and not bipolar.

ADHD

ADHD is characterized by significantly higher levels of inattention, distractibility, impulsivity, and/or physical restlessness than would be expected in a person of similar age and development. For a diagnosis of ADHD, such symptoms must be consistently present and impairing. ADHD is about 10 times more common than BMD in the general population.

Bipolar Mood Disorder (BMD)

By diagnostic definition, mood disorders are “disorders of the level or intensity of mood in which the mood has taken on a life of its own, separate from the events of a person’s life and outside of [his] conscious will and control.” In people with BMD, intense feelings of happiness or sadness, high energy (called “mania”), or low energy (called “depression”) shift for no apparent reason over a period of days to weeks, and may persist for weeks or months. Commonly, there are periods of months to years during which the individual experiences no impairment.

Making a diagnosis

Because of the many shared characteristics, there is a substantial risk of either a misdiagnosis or a missed diagnosis. Nonetheless, ADHD and BMD can be distinguished from each other on the basis of these six factors:

1. Age of onset: ADHD is a lifelong condition, with symptoms apparent (although not necessarily impairing) by age seven. While we now recognize that children can develop BMD, this is still considered rare. The majority of people who develop BMD have their first episode of affective illness after age 18, with a mean age of 26 years at diagnosis. (I was diagnosed at a very young age, around like 7 or 8 and still have it.)

2. Consistency of impairment: ADHD is chronic and always present. BMD comes in episodes that alternate with more or less normal mood levels. (I’m always aggitated, hyperactive, and just plain restless.)

3. Mood triggers: People with ADHD are passionate, and have strong emotional reactions to events, or triggers, in their lives. Happy events result in intensely happy, excited moods. Unhappy events — especially the experience of being rejected, criticized, or teased — elicit intensely sad feelings. With BMD, mood shifts come and go without any connection to life events. (Yes, this very much describes me. I have strong emotional reactions to events, even when I can’t explain it. As for unhappy events…yep…that is what I deal with, intensely sad feelings, more intense than I can explain.)

4. Rapidity of mood shift: Because ADHD mood shifts are almost always triggered by life events, the shifts feel instantaneous. They are normal moods in every way, except in their intensity. They’re often called “crashes” or “snaps,” because of the sudden onset. By contrast, the untriggered mood shifts of BMD take hours or days to move from one state to another. (Mine can shift so quickly, and I can’t even explain it. Happens in seconds sometimes.)

5. Duration of moods: Although responses to severe losses and rejections may last weeks, ADHD mood shifts are usually measured in hours. The mood shifts of BMD, by DSM-IV definition, must be sustained for at least two weeks. For instance, to present “rapid-cycling” bipolar disorder, a person needs to experience only four shifts of mood, from high to low or low to high, in a 12-month period. Many people with ADHD experience that many mood shifts in a single day. (Same as before, my moods shift so often.)

6. Family history: Both disorders run in families, but individuals with ADHD almost always have a family tree with multiple cases of ADHD. Those with BMD are likely to have fewer genetic connections. (I have an extensive family history of ADHD, but no bipolar in the family at all.)

With all that being said, I have confirmed it’s not bipolar, on many levels and from much more reading. But what is it? After reading webpage after webpage, and books upon books, there is a good possibility that it is simply my ADHD, however there is a good possibility that PTSD is also causing problems. I found some of this information on ADHD and PTSD.

  • Often the symptoms begin as feeling a bit dazed and numb–things seem a bit hazy or unclear–that can continue for several days or weeks. Disassociation is a common response to trauma, not unlike the times one’s mind just disappears with ADHD. (I know all about this one, but is it my ADHD causing it? Or something more?)
  • The confusion and dreaminess is usually followed by or accompanied with anxiety, often the generalized (free-floating) anxiety that feels like edginess, being easily startled and jumpy for no apparent reason. (Yes, completely. I have had some horrible anxiety lately with no real explanation for it.)
  • People usually have problems sleeping or relaxing. Hyper-vigilance, that constant sense of urgency, being on guard or ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’, ramps up the anxiety to the point of paranoia at times. This can lead to sleep deprivation, which amplifies the hyper-vigilance and many other problems. (Sleep problems? Check. Relaxing problems? Check. I’m always waiting and feel a sense of urgency even when I have nothing coming up.)
  • Isolation is pretty common for people who are hyper-vigilant or paranoid. In the extreme, people become afraid to go about their daily lives; in less extreme cases, they may avoid certain areas or trigger points and try to continue with their daily routine. If left untreated, this can lead to problems at work or school, in relationships or other facets of daily living. (I think I have hit that “untreated” point now because it is really starting to cause problems.)
  • Symptoms of depression may also follow: Frequent crying, feeling ‘flat’ (aka blah) or sad, lack of energy, loss of interest in things you usually enjoy, irritability or agitation, problems with concentration, changes in eating and sleep patterns, for some, thoughts of suicide or death and feeling guilty or worthless. (Crying for no apparent reason? Yes. Just plain sad, complete lost of interest…all of the above.)

So…my ADHD might be the main problem, but there is a good possibility that PTSD is causing problems too. It’s one of those disorders people don’t really understand. I think this quote might help people understand what a “stressful situation” is…because it’s always different, based on the person.

People react differently to events. Some people are traumatized by seemingly benign events that other people experience and shake off easily. Others survive horrific events that seem traumatic without long-lasting psychological damage.

So looking at this bit of information helps explain some things too. See…it’s not the big events that have caused me to get to this point, it’s the “stupid pointless crap” that has gotten me here. Understand? I have ran many stressful calls, many, but they never seem to effect me. I have this ability to disassociate myself from that, I can disconnect from it. I am able to separate it and not think about it, it doesn’t bother me. It’s the things from every day life that get to me. The things from every day life are what bother me the most. Starting from early life with my parents, starting with my first beating. Here’s a little bit more reading for you, just giving more information about my ADHD and what could have caused it more.

In a study that compared girls with ADHD to girls not suffering from it, higher rates of abuse were found in the ADHD population. Of the girls with ADHD, 14.3 percent had been abused. Of the girls without ADHD, 4.5 percent had been abused.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) show a high degree of comorbidity in traumatized children. Two hypotheses may help explain this relationship: children with ADHD are at higher risk for trauma due to their impulsivity, dangerous behaviors, and parents who may have a genetic predisposition for impairment of their own impulse control; and hyperarousal induced by severe trauma and manifested by hypervigilance and poor concentration may impair attention to create an ADHD-like syndrome.

As you see, there is a lot of overlap in symptoms and a reported high incidence of abuse in kids with ADD/ADHD. PTSD can exacerbate your ADHD symptoms – and create anxiety with new symptomsEACH TIME THE EVENT IS TRIGGERED IN YOUR PRESENT LIFE.

After much reading from several different places, there is a good possibility that my problem is PTSD. After I started thinking about it, I realized that there are “triggers” I have, things that cause great stress and make things worse for me. However, not everything is completely explainable, sometimes I have rapid mood changes without full explanation. Maybe those are triggers I don’t have figured out yet? I don’t know.

What do you think? Do you know anyone with PTSD that is having problems too? Especially on with ADHD? Because I would like to find other people to talk to that have this.

Life and It’s Complications

I’m here. For the moment anyway. I’ve been thinking for days, things racing through my mind faster than I can process, and I need to get it out. I’ve been avoiding my blog, partly because I don’t want to rant, but also because I can’t organize everything enough to get the words out and have them make sense. I’m so lost, confused, and alone right now.

I know I could turn to my man, but I won’t, not right now. That’s complicated. See, he says he strives to be my “totally awesome man” which he is great at! But there’s one complicated piece of that. He has a hard time listening, like truly listening, but this wasn’t always the case. A little background information…

When I first started talking to my man he figured me out fairly fast, faster than most. I have a hard time with communication, years of abuse ruined that life skill for me. I keep my mouth shut, take everything people say, until one days I can’t take it anymore and snap. Usually at the wrong place, wrong time, and wrong person. Talking is hard for me. So much runs through my mind, I don’t know what I’m suppose to say and what I’m not. I also have a hard time organizing things and getting it out. Most the time when I “talk” it’s just me answering questions asked, that I am good at, talking for myself I am not.

My man learned very quickly how to draw me out, what questions to ask, how to ask them, and waited patiently for me to respond. Sometimes it would take hours or even days to get a response, a proper one, but he learned to wait. He got me to a point where I could talk, without being questioned, and say what was on my mind. I could start to organize my thoughts, I was speaking my mind, and I was getting better at this communication thing…sort of. I had a long way to go but I was making progress.

Then one day, that all stopped. I can’t tell you the exact day, because I don’t know, but it feels that sudden. It’s like over night everything changed. When he became my man, he stopped listening as much. He didn’t want to hear my problems anymore. He stopped listening, he said I need to change things or quit complaining all the time. It was just…different. I understand, if I’m not going to change it then I shouldn’t be complaining, but sometimes I just need to say things, get it off my chest and things feel better, but it almost feels like he doesn’t care about that anymore.

He’s still my awesome man, takes care of me when I need it, helps me, is there for me…but I just feel he doesn’t care to listen to me anymore. And right now I could really use someone to talk to right now. I’m fighting myself just to stay alive. You know that whole “snowball” thing? Where all these small things build on top of each other and create one giant problem? My snowball started years ago and it’s still growing to this day. It never stops. I have no escape. My house has never been a home, it never will be. I don’t have that “safe place” to go when things it tough, I don’t have a place to escape the world, I have nothing.

I got into the first disagreement with my man in a long time, which finally prompted everything out of me. This was our conservation:

My man: I’m just not gonna try to beat out of you what’s wrong…like I don’t know already…and to be honest it’s getting very old honey. Can’t take a lot more of it.

Me: What’s getting old? Me? My problems? I’m doing what you want and I’m still fucking up. I will never be good enough. I’ve been on the damn edge for months and no one cares. Not one single person. Everyone just keeps pushing, even you. It never stops. I don’t have any escape anywhere. Do you even care that I have been crying myself to sleep? That I’m not sleeping? That I spend my nights awake thinking about things I shouldn’t? Would you even care if I was gone? Would you truly care? Because right now I’m seriously doubting it. You haven’t been the person you promised to be lately. I’ve needed to talk for weeks but I can’t come to you for it and I have no one. I’m trying to do exactly as you requested and it’s still not enough. You keep telling me that I need to “get over it” and “move on” and that is stuff is “getting old”…do you know what that does to someone already hurting and breaking down on the inside? Do you know what it’s like to be kicked while you’re down? I know you do, so why are you doing that to me? If you really did care, you would not be doing this to me right now! You say you “can’t take a lot more of it”…well, allow me to spare you it anymore.

My man: I have asked you for two days to talk to me and you won’t! So that accusation is false! Your problems is (name of hell job) and I CAN’T help you with those anymore and I’m NOT sorry about that! I am very HAPPY I quit and if you can’t handle that…then its over. Nothing else I can say! If you have some OTHER problem…I am all ears…call my phone! I absolutely RESENT you for making me feel guilty for not “protecting” you there! Get over it and be tough or quit! Your choice!

Me: I’m over it! And you! And this whole life! And that’s not a threat! That’s a promise! Depending on you was my biggest mistake ever!

My man: Tell me what in this life would make you happy, because I can’t figure it out!

Me: Being dead! That will make me AND EVERYONE happy! Good bye!

That’s when I shut my phone off. I haven’t looked at it since. I shouldn’t have sent the things I did, it was wrong and unfair of me. I’ve just been hurting so bad and he doesn’t want to listen anymore. It’s like he has seriously changed in the last couple weeks. Just randomly decided he doesn’t care about my problems anymore and doesn’t want to hear them.

I just can’t go on anymore. I can’t do it. I’m done. I’m “over it” and over this life.