Frustrated, Confused, and SO Lost!

Well good evening my blogging friends. I’m exhausted to past the stage of being able to sleep. I’m hyped up and restless.

Critical care is kicking my ass!! Though we had an AMAZING teacher today!!! I feel really good about what he taught, it’s the other stuff I’m nervous about. I’m horrible with numbers, given my dyslexia, so lab values are kicking my ass! I’m just trying to study as much as I can but one can only take so much at a time.

I got home from class today to find out my mother didn’t pick up the dog food…yea, had no idea the dogs ran out YESTERDAY!! Ugh! Poor babies are hungry! Been living off the crumbs in the bag apparently! I’m pissed! And by the time I found out it was too late to go to the store. Bitch! Can’t get them fucking food, but she sure can go out drinking EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! Yes, EVERY night this week and for many before! I fucking hate her! I scraped up some treats, cooked some meat, then caved and stole dog food from my dad’s house. They are eating…that’s all that matters. I hope the bitch goes tomorrow to pick them up food. If not, well I’d rather starve myself, so they will eat and I won’t. It’s $58 I don’t have, because she feeds them the expensive stuff, so I guess for a week or more I will just deal with what ever scraps I can find. I’ve been living off noodles, stale bread, and old soup for a few weeks now. I’m used to it.

Other than that, life is just…normal. Hell job sucks, people suck, school is going good…ish, and I’m just getting through it day one at a time. For now…sleep before another full day of studying…and maybe a break or a few for some Xbox, aka stress relief, time.

Good night all!

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Good Evening!

I have been exceptionally quiet lately…sorry. I also want to apologize now, this post might be all over, like my thoughts tonight. I’m all over and I’ve maxed out on my medication so I’m going to attempt to blog some instead of running around the house like a mad person trying to do the billion things on my list! Let’s start with the beginning, shall we.

Critical care paramedic class…just shoot me now. The first day of class they told us how horrible the class is, how tough the tests are, how we can kiss our life good bye, how we’ll want to shoot ourselves (great, add that to the list), and how it’s basically a TWO YEAR Critical Care RN class put into 12 weeks of ONE DAY a week, 9-5 class…just wonderful. So, shoot me now?? Any takers? Just kidding…for now. So if I’m quiet, you know why. In fact, I will probably be very quiet, or I should be very quiet if I want to pass this crap. But for now, a break from studying and my blog to help.

While sitting though day one of this class I started thinking about EMT class. I used to think it was going to be so tough. I thought I’d never know that crap, I was scared and had no idea how I’d make it. Well, I made it and pretty close to top of my class. I ended EMT class with a 98%. It all seemed to come so natural to me, like many things. Then I started Paramedic, scared to hell. I was extremely scared. Somehow I managed to get through that too with an A as well. I don’t remember the exact grade, but I was second in my class with an A. Not too bad. I feel like I know nothing but I managed to make it through

Now I have started Critical Care class, what are my thoughts? My first…what the hell did I get myself into?!?! My second…I’ll never make it through this. And my third…I can do this. Maybe not well, but I can do this. My man promised to help me through this too. I hope this all goes good too, so if you don’t hear from me…I’m either studying, releasing anger in Call of Duty, or geocaching. If you hear from me, then I’m avoiding all of the above.

I spent the last two days geocaching and some nightmare caches. Day one, it was a difficulty of 5 and a terrain of 4.5. Holy shit! It kicked my ass! Went though this post apocalyptic area that was just…weird. But I’m so glad I got that one out of the way and I talked a geocacher I recently met into going. We had fun. Then day two I got talked into a nightmare cache around here that has only been found 30 times in the 3 years it’s been out. Not only is it a difficulty of 5 with a terrain of 5 (more like 20!!!), but it’s a multi stage and when you get to each stage there is a nightmare puzzle to solve too! I skipped the first 6 stages because I was working, but I helped them solve the puzzles each time. I finally joined for stage 7 and that took over 2 hours to hike to, then we couldn’t figure the puzzle out so we headed back to the cars. Soon we will be going back to finish steps 8-11 and hopefully have that damn thing in our hands! I will be glad to have that one done too.

Oh, did I mention that both days I hiked with my full pack (16lbs) just in case, given the terrain, and the one day I had to carry my mom’s dog because she refused to walk. That was an additional 8lbs to carry. Ugh. Wish I could take just my pup caching because he loves it, but mom won’t allow that. So what’s in my pack to make it weigh that much? Well, a few things everyone should carry and more stuff geared for caching. A small survival kit (needle, string, wire, mirror, whistle, fire starter, cotton balls, etc), a multi tool, lighter, knife, flashlight, water, emergency food (taffy, crackers), 75 feet and 25 feet of webbing, 3 life safety carabiners, paracord sections in random lengths, medical kit (gauze rolls, gauze pads, large trauma pads, bandaids, neosporin, burn gel, emergency blanket, tap, coban, gloves, etc), SPOT device (highly recommended if you are going without cell service), geocaching items (containers, trade items, etc), waterproof box with medicine, and of course my guns, both of them to be exact plus some ammo. I have more stuff, but that’s the basic of it all. I keep it well packed.

Now, for a completely unrelated story, I have to talk about a patient I had, another one that changed my life. This patient is 102 years old. Yes, you read that right and I wrote it right. One HUNDRED and two YEARS old. And he was amazing. Lived alone, took care of himself, fought in the war, watched the flag get put up at Iwo Jima, had no water or electricity in his house until he was in his late 40’s, and had stories of growing up that I wish I could have heard more of. This was one incredible man. When I was leaving I told him to have a great holiday and happy early birthday, to which he responded, “You too, but I think this is going to be my last.” I didn’t know what to say, I was shocked, and he knew it because he had a great response. “I saw on tv an man was 111 and voted, I don’t think I’ll make it that long. And besides, I’ve lived a good life and after you hit 100 there isn’t much further to go from there. I’ve lived my life time, now I’m ready to join my wife.” He was just amazing. He said he wished him and his wife could have had kids, but they couldn’t afford it. He said that is his only regret in life, but his wife did have 1 kid when they married, so he said he didn’t completely miss out on that. I need to check up on him, he was amazing.

Spending time with this man had me thinking about my childhood and what I miss from that time. I miss play Nintendo, the original. My sister broke it about 6 years ago, but ours still worked until then. My brother then sold off all the games, I still hate him for that. I slept with all my stuffed animals because I didn’t want one to be left out. I had that pen with all four colors in it and I always tired to push them all at one time. I used to watch rain drops fall down the window and act like they were racing. I used the soda cap as my shot glass. The computer was strictly used for paint and boy was that fun. I miss my Tamagotchi. When we swallowed a fruit seed we were convinced that a plant was going to grow in our stomach. The street lights meant it was time to go home. We could, and did, play outside for hours, it was acceptable and allowed without worry. I miss those days, the simple times. I want that for my kids, I want them to be able to have the childhood (minus my parents abuse) in the world I did. I don’t want technology to run their life.IMG_1962

I wish I could go back to my childhood and not have to work. Hell job is still a fucking nightmare! I’ll know with this next schedule if that bitch is screwing me over on purpose. I pray she doesn’t because then I’d have to go to the higher Chief, the real one, the good one, but the scary one. I just can’t freaking wait to get away from this bitch, or get her away from me. I just don’t want to deal with this anymore! She makes me want to jump off a cliff! I can’t stand even thinking about her! But…there may be hope. It just so happens that one person in my critical care class hires on a department around me. She offered to bring me an application, asked about my hours available, and all that stuff. I sure hope this is good news for me! It’s quit a drive, a little bit further than the job I like, but I’ll take anything right now. I need the fuck away from that bitch.

I don’t need help because of calls I’ve ran, that’s not killing me. What’s killing me are the people inside, the one’s I’m suppose to be able to work with and talk to about the calls we ran together. The one’s that are suppose to be helping me are the one’s that are killing me. They have caused me hours of planning my death, they have ruined so many good days, they are just ruining me. I work hard, I bust my ass every day, and for what? To be called names, talked about, ignored, and treated like the dirt they walk in. I’ve had some tough calls, but it hasn’t gotten to me like this assholes. I’ve done more research, on ADHD, PTSD, and abuse. The abuse makes all this worse, but these people from work have become the new abuser. I’ve escaped most of the problems with my parents, but now I have a new problem. I’m stuck fighting this battle alone too because no one is here to help me…again. I just want to be able to get away from this all! I promise not to use plan one, now to find another. For now…class, my focus will stay there.

But now it’s time for me to finish studying because tomorrow is death by text book. Another day of class, I’m ready to get past all this legal crap and start learning. This is why I didn’t become a lawyer like I had originally planned…I’m just not into the legal crap.

Good night my readers. I hope all is well. Know I am reading your stuff, I just may not be able to respond, but I am reading.

Unbreakable

That title seems weird given the fact that I am far from unbreakable! I’m shattered, beaten, broken, and damaged beyond repair, but somehow still alive. I’m alive, here on this earth, a place where 20 little angels are not. 20 beautiful angels. I read a poem today that brought tears to my eyes, here it is for your reading:

12-14-12 – Tabatha VargoTHE FIELD TRIP
Please don’t cry, we’re ok.
We went on a field trip today.
A secret place where there’s fun to be had.
And the principle’s with us, so we won’t be bad.
It’s full of toys and rainbow slides.
Cotton candy and high cloud rides.
A funny zoo full of different things.
I even saw a man with wings.
We’re not alone so don’t you fear.
We’re chaperoned by Jesus here.
It’s really nice so I think I’ll stay.
And hold your spot till your field trip day.
I know Christmas is here and there’s toys to be given.
So please tell Santa that I’m in heaven.

I got tired of the new, tired of watching the stories. I hate how the media tells you every detail about the killers, but rarely covers the victims. I think too much is spent on the killer, they shouldn’t even give a name or picture…they should talk about the victims and their story.

And they should NOT be interviewing the children!! The parents should NOT be saying it is ok, but even if they are, the media SHOULD NOT BE DOING IT!! WTF is wrong with them?!?!?! They are CHILDREN!! Children that don’t know what happened. Children that describe the gun shots as “hammers”. Children that are asking if their friends are ok…the friends they watched get shot. That is fucked up! Leave the kids alone! Don’t you have more respect for them than that?!?!

I have one picture I would like to share before I get off the subject…

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This just cracked me up! I know so many people that think taking away guns will fix the problem…ha! You’re a fucking idiot!! Sorry…but you are! I had one person tell me they only go to safe places…that’s funny. I guess that school is an “unsafe place” as is the church that was shot up in Illinois. Or the mall. Or the movie theater. People are funny and stupid at the same time. Whatever, I’m done with that subject.

New topic…I fucking HATE Christmas!!

I have a Critical Care Paramedic class I REALLY want to sign up for but I won’t be able to, I can’t afford it. Unless any of you out there is willing to lend me $2100?? Any takers?? I wish they had aid for it or something…but they don’t so I guess no class for me…at least not any time soon. Oh well I guess. I’m stuck in hell tomorrow so maybe I can come up with something…I will focus on that goal to keep my mind busy…

Saving a Life

Another wonderful day of work, another day of saving a life…or something like that. Today I will be preventing the loss of life during CPR class. Part of being in our field means you better like teaching because you will be doing a lot of it! I help teach EMT class at a local college and enjoy that so my boss decided to make me a CPR instructor too.

Being a CPR instructor can be frustrating at times, especially during my time of teaching EMT class. Per the college, you are now required to have a CPR/AED card before you enter class and I think this was the WORST decision the college could have ever made! Part of getting your EMT licenses requires you to take a physcial skills test, which is a random draw on what skills you have to demenstrate. One of those possible skills that can be drawn is CPR/AED which means you have to be able to properly demonstrate that you can do CPR and use an AED…what a disappointment the students were.

Now, I am a very patient person and LOVE teaching students, but if you already have a CPR/AED card that says you know how to do it, then you BETTER be able to demonstrate how to do it and NOT ONE student could! I have never been so dissapointed before that I can ever remember. Not a single student could use the AED, which tells you EXACTLY what to do when you turn it on! And no one was able to demonstrate CPR either, another major disappointment.

You would think that given our field and fact that you WILL be dispatched to a cardiac arresst at some point then you would actually know this skill! It’s like we say about going to ccourt, “it’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when.” You will have to do CPR at some point, so you might want to pay attention in the class. After a few days with me, every student was finally able to do CPR and use an AED and that skill was pulled for them to test. I am proud to say that every student passed.

So today I am off to teach CPR to the publc so they can better assist anyone in need. If you want the safest place to live or be in the United States, go to Seattle, Washington. They have AED’s all over and just about the entire city has been trained on CPR at some point. This city was chosen to be the test subject for AED’s making them one of the safest places too live in this country of ours.

I encourage all of you to get out there and learn CPR. Take a class! Stay on top of your skill! You never know when you may need to help save a life and believe me, it’s the best feeling in the world! Will you know what to do?