Nervous!!

Finally starting my new job tomorrow and I am extremely nervous! I haven’t been practicing as a paramedic since I finished my student run time in November and it’s got me scared…help!! I guess it’s going to be an early night of sleep for me and tomorrow I can share about my first official day!

Unfortunately I don’t get to see my OM man until the end of this week. Tomorrow is his kids birthday so he’s taking him on a float trip, I’m all for it and cool with it, but it just sucks I can’t see him. That and his children aggravate me a lot…his son, the oldest and who’s birthday it is, has no job, got fired for selling pot on the property in front of cameras, and can’t find another one. He’s living at home rent free and his dad is paying for everything and he expects his dad to PAY HIM to do house chores…uh, pardon my language but FUCK NO!!

Then next one down..she’s not much better. Can’t hold a job, has a kid, living off the government. Baby’s daddy is all whacked out, has been calling off work and refusing to leave his room because the pawn shop sold his playstation…seriously?!?! Neither of them can get, nor hold a job. I turned in one friend for using the government…I’m just tired of people living off our money! There are far too many of them.

Finally there is the youngest kid…she’s a piece of work but at least she works. She’s a total bitch though! Complete bitch to her dad and everyone. Then is going on vacation with a friend and had to nerve to ask her dad, who just quit one of his many jobs, for money because she doesn’t have any for the vacation…uh, again…FUCK NO! I don’t get it…I could never pull the shit they do without feeling bad. I was raised better I guess, or more like just raised in fear of my parents.

I just hate all the crap they put him through daily, it’s not fair to him. : ( My older mans sister has all kinds of money and wants him to move out there with her and she said his kids are in no way allowed to follow him!! Everyone knows how horrible they are. I just don’t get it, I don’t see how you can live your life like they do.

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Summer is Coming

longer days and anxiety when mom texts

It’s getting closer! I can feel it!! And I’m so excited! The days are slowly getting longer, the sun is still up when I leave work, it may only be a teeny, tiny bit, but it’s still up and that’s all that matters. I can’t wait for it to be warm, to spend my days outside, to have longer days! I am SO excited! Can you tell? I mentioned before that I hate the cold, but more than that I hate the dark. I would not do well in Alaska, 24 hours of darkness…not for me! I have several friends that stay up all night and sleep all day, also not for me. I’m a morning person, I’m way more productive. I’m sure it also shows in my blogs, I’m sure the one’s I have posted in the morning are better than this one I’m posting right now.

In a post post I talked about my parents getting divorced. Since the divorce the relationship with my mother has gotten slightly better but the other day while sitting at work I realized a few things have not changed and I’m not entirely sure they ever will. Things used to be really difficult for me at home, a lot of yelling, fighting, blaming, etc. Though some of it may have been my fault, not all of it was, in fact most of it was not. It was so bad I’d have anxiety attacks just thinking about going home and actually going home…that was a whole different story. I hated going home, spent a lot of nights actually crying because I had to go home and unless you have actually been in that situation you cannot imagine what I went through.

The other day at work I got a text from my mother and I practically had a panic attack right there, her texts are the worst, or at least they used to be. When I got a text from her it usually meant I was in a lot of trouble, it was never good, and things would ALWAYS end bad! I realized that the feeling when I get a text from her will never change because she texted me asking if I was working all night or coming home, nothing scary about that text, but I was scared when I saw her name pop up on the screen. I can honestly say I am truly terrified of the woman, but this isn’t such a bad thing.

I think too many people are not afraid of their parents enough. Too many kids run free with little to zero control or punishment for their behavior. They need to be held responsible, regardless of their age. Children need to be told what to do, it’s good for them. Despite my horrible childhood, I think I turned out pretty good. I don’t drink, I’m don’t smoke, I don’t go out all day, I’ve never done a single drug, I’m responsible, I pay ALL my bills and on time…I turned out pretty good. I still have fun, but I do it responsible.

I know what you’re thinking, being in a relationship with someone 24 years older than me is a bit of a problem, but it wasn’t like we planned it, it just happened. I didn’t go out searching for an older guy “just for the experience” or because it was the “cool new thing to do.” We fell in love, sometimes it just happens. He became my best friend and over time friendship can develop into more, ours did. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me!

Looking back, this is not how I expected my life to go, this is not what I planned. In high school, for one of my classes, we had to make a list of goals. Where did I want to be in 1 year, what did I want to accomplish? 3 years? 5 years? 10 years? You know where I had planned to be in 3 years? Which happened to be 2 years after graduation…finishing up my college degree and starting a family. This May will be 7 years since I graduated and where am I? I have two Associate’s degrees, no family. I guess we just can’t have everything we want. I can’t wait to start a family and have a kid, I want children so bad.

My older man and I have planned this. He says he wants to marry me and has planned perfectly just how to ask. He wants to have a family with me and I with him. I am ready for that stage and I know he is the one! I’m not saying I want to have a family with him just because he’s in my life right now, I want to have a family with him because I know in my heart that he is the one! He is more than my best friend, he is going to be the father to my children one day and it’s a day I am ready for. I love him!

Stealthy Cache

I find myself once again with my cousins, who I completely love! Since the weather is nice, we will be spending the afternoon outside geocaching! I can’t wait! We have a few trackables, or travel bugs, to move on and some new caches to find. We’ll probably pick one of many local parks and start there. We’ve only hit about 2% of the parks around here, which is equivalent to 37 different parks, crazy I know. We love it, this area is loaded with parks and outdoor areas to cache.

We enjoy the adventurous woods caches rather than the city caches. City caches tend to be extremely small, require a lot of stealth, and a whole lot of patience, something we have, but we county folks enjoy the woods more. We just like nature. Now, don’t get us wrong, city caching can be fun, you can get a lot of caches in a short time and it can be quit a challenge, but out in the woods, the caches tend to be bigger and full of fun stuff, which the kids love. We also really enjoy moving trackables, we like helping them along their goal. We have our own geocaches hidden and trackables moving around. We love meeting new geocachers and have helped a few out along the ways with hints when we were leaving and they were arriving.

Divorce

I’d like to take a few minutes out of my day here to discuss something I’ve spent much time thinking about, mostly just to get it off my mind. I am not a “child of divorce” because it was just last year that my parents decided they were going to FINALLY get divorced. I say finally here, because I used to wish and pray pretty much daily that they would divorce because of the hell they put me through as a child but that’s a whole different discussion. I am completely confused and lost in the world when it comes to this divorce, even though it’s exactly what I wanted it and it’s what they needed.

One evening, in the early summer of 2011, my parents sat all us children down and told us they were getting a divorce. I couldn’t be more happy at the time, my sister started crying and ran off, and my brother threw a fit a ran to his room. I know my sister did this out of wanting attention (she cries all the time), but I couldn’t figure out what there was to cry about. The more I thought about it, I realized that my brother and sister didn’t get the hell I did when my parents fought and anyone that knows our family will confirm that. My parents made my life a living hell, but my siblings didn’t have to go through that, so I started to understand why they might be upset.

It wasn’t till weeks to follow that I got upset and it was not for the same reason as my siblings. I was more angry than upset. The weeks following my parents announcement I began to find out, mostly from cousins, that my parents pending divorce was no secret among the family. In fact, every single extended and distant family member knew before my parents decided to tell their own children and this pissed me off, it still does. They felt the need to tell every single person, except for their own children. By the time they did decide to tell us, they had already gone to the lawyer and started the paperwork. I felt betrayed, lost, and hurt.

About 4 months after, my father finally found an apartment and moved out. Now, this was also a confusing time for me. Though my father physically beat my, my mother mentally messed with me. I couldn’t decide at the time which I’d rather live with, if given the ultimate choice it’d be neither. (Take note that I had been looking for a house for 2 years, but given the economy and housing choices for my price range, I am still stuck living at home.) My sister moved in with my dad, which I couldn’t be more pleased about! Try spending 24 years in a room with someone that hates you down to your core, beats you every chance they get, and never cleans up after them self! I could not wait for her to be gone and took full advantage of it when she was! I repainted, cleaned everything, rearranged, and made the room my own for once in my whole life!

Now, 2 months shy of 1 year since their divorce, I find myself still confused on how I am suppose to feel or act about it. At the time everyone was calling and texting me to let them know if I “need anything” which seems to be the universal answer when a person doesn’t know what to say or do to help someone. I think I am finally to the point where I need that help everyone was offering, but I think their offers ran out a LONG time ago. It still feels strange when I’m at home and my dad and sister aren’t around. I went from a packed house of 5, to just the 3 of us (my mom, brother, and myself). That’s not much of a difference, I know, but my mom is rarely home and I’m not used to the “peacefulness” that home has to offer. I’ve never had that place I could go to escape the world. For me, home was hell, it was the place I avoided at ALL cost! Now, I feel myself wanting to be there. I like being in my room now, I finally have that place that’s all mine. A place that I can escape too.

My mind is completely lost on how I am suppose to feel still about this divorce. I am so torn. My father calls all the time wanting me to come over, and finally after 5 months of avoiding him I drug my cousin along on a visit. He looks so much older than I remember, I guess divorce does that. And he apparently is always sitting at home because he has no one and nothing to do. The man has no hobbies, he just sits in front of the tv drinking beer, that’s all I can ever remember him doing. I feel bad for him at times, but remember that he did this to himself. He treated me like shit and I have zero desire to go through that more.

Maybe one day I will invite him back into my life, but for now one parent at a time. My relationship with my mom isn’t the best, but it’s been getting better. And with the advice and encouragement of my man, things are being repaired, something I never thought possible. Maybe one day my life will finally be “normal” but for now I live the confusion of an abused child dealing with parents that divorce when I became an adult.

Our Age Difference

The few people that do know about our relationship have asked a few questions that we have thought about ourselves and tonight I am going to review a particular subject that seems to be the most important to people.

The main question we get is children. My man has 3 children, all slightly younger than me. Now, when we marry they will never be referred to as “my children.” I will not be their “step-mom” even though, technically I am, there will be no momness for them, I refuse to be a “mother” to someone just younger than myself.

It is a known fact that I want kids, a lots of them! Like a whole litter! However, after watching the Duggar family, I’ve been convinced to settle for 3 and my man is completely excited about that. Now don’t get us wrong, we’re not writing off his children, but they are already old enough to care for themselves, which doesn’t mean we’ll turn them down if they need help. We are in agreement that we want two boys and a girl, which is a whole other discussion for a later day, we have names picked out and all!

We get asked about how we are going to raise the kids, will I be a stay at home mom, etc. I would LOVE to care for the kids all the time and stay home with them, but I don’t think it is fair for me to spend money I don’t make, I’m not that person. And besides, I love my job!! Who wouldn’t? I get to play with firetrucks and ambulances! But when it comes to raising the kids, we have a plan.

Due to our line of work, retirement comes early and in 6 years my man is eligible for retirement. Sees weird for some people, me starting my career, him retiring, but it will work. He is super excited about being able to care for the child, which is good because he will be doing most of it. But don’t get us wrong, he will still be working some. See he wants to put as much money away as we can.

It’s the cycle of life, he’s not going to live forever, who knows, I could go before him. We never know, so we have planned for this. He wants to make sure that if anything ever happens, myself and the children are living in a paid off home with no financial worries. We have talked about the differences between our life verses a “normal” relationship, and we have a great game plan!

Future Children of America

I’ve been watching scared straight and I hate it when people say, “so and so is at an important cross roads in their life.” Technically we’re always at an important cross road in life…the decisions we make every single day effect us for the rest of our lives.

Some of these kids are 12/13 years old having sex, drinking, doing drugs…wtf?! I didn’t know what any of that was at that age! It’s the parents fault for allowing the children to get this out of control. That’s the problem with today’s world, too many parents aren’t parents, they don’t take responsibility and admit it’s their own fault.

If my children (when they come) are that out of control, then it’s my own damn fault! No anyone else’s! And it my responsibility to watch them, teach them, and believe it or not, punish them. Children need punishment and discipline, it is healthy and good for them. Now don’t get me wrong, there’s a big difference from repeatedly hitting your child, especially without reason, and spanking your child. The punishment should fit the crime. There is nothing wrong with spanking a child. And that’s the problem with the world, not enough punishing the child to teach them.

My generation got plenty of spankings and everyone things we turned out bad…look around you today…this next batch of kids doesn’t make us look to bad…