It Shouldn’t Hurt To Be A Child

Child abuse can ruin your life years after…I would know, I’m a product of it. I struggle every single day, trying to function normal in this society. My social skills, problem solving skills, and general conversation skills are years behind! In fact, so behind that grade school children are ahead of me. I wish someone had gotten me help. I wish someone had rescued me. I wish someone had taken me away from the hell I was in. I needed it so badly. I’d go to sleep praying I’d never have to get up.

I remember each time my dad beat me. I remember him throwing me into the wall. I remember him punching me in the mouth, back handing me, and slamming me to the ground right in front of the neighbors that were over…no one did a thing. I remember coming home from a full day, work 6am-10am, class 11am-1pm, work 2pm-11pm, Monday-Friday. He got mad at my sister for something, so he emptied every single drawer, shelf, closet and threw everything all over my room. Took everything off my desk and dresser, ruined school books. Then back handed me when I got pissed and told me I wasn’t allowed to sleep until it was completely clean as HE wanted it! I didn’t sleep the entire night and couldn’t stay awake at work. I started to fall asleep behind the wheel going to class. The next night he pulled the same crap. It was killing me and I hoped with all my heart it would!

I’ve never been good enough for my mom. I’m not a girl, I’m into sports and outdoors, she hates that. I don’t wear dresses, she hates that. I’m not in a profession that can make her proud. I’m not doing what she wants. I’m not who she wants and she reminds me all the time. I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never be something she can be proud of. I’ll never do the right thing. I’ll never make her happy. I’ll never be the daughter she wanted and I so desperately wanted to die instead of being stuck failing at everything she wanted.

My sister had a combination of them both in her. She hated me. Always has, always will. Why? They never beat her! She used to sit on me, she weight almost double me despite being my twin. She’d jump on my back. She’s beat me. Punch me in the back as hard as she could. She hit me in the head. Ruined the only “friend” I had…my teddy bear. One time, when I wasn’t fixing the internet fast enough for her, she grabbed my arm and squeezed so hard I had bruises that outlined her fingers…I was suppose to be at a job interview…I never went. I couldn’t go to work or school for almost a week. Another time she dug her nails into me so deep I had a welt in my arm that went in almost 1/4 an inch and covered an entire bath towel with blood…literally.

The emotion pain was always worse, I could never control it. I could control the physical pain, I could make it hurt else where, I could detach myself from the pain. I can’t stop the words, not even to this day. I can’t stop the emotional scars. I can’t forgot what they told me. How worthless, useless, and stupid I am. I’m developmentally delayed in critical areas of life…I don’t know how to fix myself. I let people beat me down, I take it and never fight back. I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve what I have. I make too many mistakes. I can’t do anything right, I never will be able to. I’ll never get it right, this life. I’ll never be the person they wanted. I’ll never be good enough.

Damn This Hearing

And it strikes again! Some days I really hate the fact that I have excellent hearing and can focus on several things at once, especially conservations. A little update on life at the residence before the story begins…

My brother moved out, but just to our dad’s. Since he hasĀ  no job and failed out of community college, he can’t go anywhere but from one home to the other. Dad bribed him of course, offered to buy him a new bigger bed and a better tv if he moved in. Of course my brother took it, why wouldn’t he? It also means he gets away from mom who was pushing him for a job, where dad won’t do that. He also won’t be forced into going back to school.

Part of me is glad he’s gone, the other part…not so much. It’s weird, this entire divorce thing is so weird. I’m used to a house full of people, anywhere from 5-7, maybe more…just people everywhere. Now it’s empty, just myself and the dogs and from time to time my mother. I feel lost. I’m used to a full house. And my mother is driving me nuts because her baby boy isn’t here to bug anymore. My chores have doubled and she always wants me home. She’s finally “trying” to be a mother, but it’s a little too late. I’m an adult now, she should have tried before.

Now that her baby boy isn’t around to take to dinner all the time, she’s bugging me. I finally decided to go to dinner with her the other night and that’s when my damn ears ruined that night. I was chatting with a friend that had called while we waited for our food and my mom was talking to her friend and I overheard the conservation. Apparently the only reason she stayed with my dad for so long was because she didn’t want to have to deal with child custody. So she ruined my life more for her own selfish reasons. She made the decision 15 years ago according to her that as soon as my brother turned 18, the divorce was on. Wonderful.

Here’s a little tip…staying together is usually the WORST decision you could have made for your child! I went through hell and back because they “stayed together”! I used to cry myself to sleep at night just begging God to have them divorce. I just wanted to vanish so bad. I hated life more than anything. I think my life would have been way better had they divorced years ago. I just hope I can make a life for my family that I always wanted growing up. I want to push past my childhood and have a happy adulthood. My only dream growing up was to be loved and happy.

And So It Begins

Warning: This post will be random and all over, I’m not sure where exactly this post will go, just so you know.

First, the game has begun. The Captain was notified that he is to report to the Assistant Police Chief as soon as he reports for duty. He if flipping out! He’s texting everyone, asking why he needs to go there, and honestly, the people he is texting do not know. I know why but I’m not about to tell him, besides he never asked me.

This guy is the type of person that if you told him his mom was here looking for him, he’d flip out and question you non-stop until he got here on why his mom was here, he’s just that guilty and scared all the time. I have this problem too, but it’s not because I’m guilty of anything, it’s a product of my past, something that I am also working on. So now we wait…in about 3 hours he should be arriving from class, given his letter, escorted to his car, then escorted out of town by PD, mostly for the safety of those employees on duty today, more specifically for me. The Chief is concerned about him trying to come after me and blame me for this given our history. Honestly I could take the guy, but I’d rather not have to try.

More on this soon, for now, the next topic.

While I’m discussing topics, let’s talk about Topix for a moment. Have you seen this crap?!?! If not, it’s probably better you never look at it, especially if you live in a small town like where I work. People are brutal! It’s horrible! Posting peoples full names, addresses, bad things about people..it’s just horrible! I am all for protecting my First Amendment right, but this site really needs to go. It’s cause a suicide in one of the towns I currently work in…it’s just bad news bears!

People recently got on there and started bitching about the ambulances being left running when the crews go out to the store or eat and just being out of the station to begin with…I’d like to discuss this a moment for all you people out there, especially those that are bitching about this.

First, crews leaving the station in the truck…”you’re wasting our gas and tax dollars”…fair point, but let me show you more sides of this. Where I work we are allowed to take a pager and go anywhere within the city limits we’d like, cool, but we RARELY do this if we are on the next up truck to be dispatched. So lets say I’m on the next up truck, you don’t like us using the trucks to run and get food, I decide to take my own car (not a big deal). I drive down the street, have to cross the highway because the stores aren’t on this side, wait in traffic and stop lights, get down and start getting my food from the store. As I’m inside getting food the pager goes off. I have to drop everything, go to my car, get back across the highway and wait in all the lights because it’s illegal for me to run them, get to the station, look up the address, then respond. How long do you think that takes? No instead, we took the truck to get food…a call came in. We drop everything, go to the truck, look up the address, and respond…no driving to pick the truck up. If you were the one that needed me at that very second, you’d be happy I had the truck right? It’s only ok if you need me, right? Is that how it works?

Now the second, leaving the trucks running, and this seems to be a major problem with people, especially with “tree huggers” (pardon my choice of words). We carry life saving equipment, including medications which are designed to only be stored within a certain temperature range, some of which is about 10 degree range. Without the truck running, it’s unable to maintain a certain temperature. In the winter it can keep the cold out better, but in the dead of summer those trucks heat up FAST! It can be very bad and VERY expensive to replace all the medications. Have you ever noticed that trucks are always parked inside “bays” when at the station? These bays are temperature regulated and help protect the medication from hitting the temperature extremes. So you don’t want us to leave the truck running…fine, lets turn it off and let it heat up in our 100 degree summer. Now you call 911…we respond but can’t use the medication to help you because the temperature is too hot. You’re also mad at us because it’s burning up inside the truck. Sorry, you bitched about it being left running. It takes a while for the AC to be able to catch up, we don’t have the money to afford specific AC units for the box part of the ambulance like some places. Have you ever tried to warm up or cool off a van or SUV from the 1990’s or older…takes a while, doesn’t it?

It is a proven fact that you can’t please 20% of people. You can offer 100 people $100 and 20 of them will not be happy. Some will be mad that they now have to pay high taxes because they are in a different tax bracet. Other’s might complain that your $100 “gift” means they have to pay $120 to their accountant to fill out different paperwork, so now it costs them more money. You can never please everyone. So despite everyone complaining, we will still continue to eat and when the temperature is extreme, we will be leaving the trucks running. Sorry, you’ll just have to bitch and complain, it’s not going to change. I’m off my soapbox…for now. : )

I’m still looking for another good book to start reading. I feel lost right now not reading anything. I loved Fifty Shades but man I wish I hadn’t read it so fast! It was SO good and I couldn’t wait to keep reading, but it ended too fast for me. I miss it, miss the story and heading the next adventure in their lives. Now what…? I don’t know what to read now, I need another good book! Help!! Any suggestions out there? I really hate when a good book ends!

The wait continues…I have typed all that within 30 minutes and now I wait some more…

Tonight I’m going to meet my man and we plan on talking some, discussing our future together. I can’t wait to spend my life with him and we have the same ideas about raising children. He currently has 3, and though I get along with them, they are pretty useless. The oldest has no job, bumming off his dad, living at home, about to lose his car cause it can’t pass inspection. The second youngest got knocked up early, living with her unstable boyfriend, no job for either of them, living off state money, and bumming off her dad. The youngest at least has a job, but she’s a royal bitch and downright evil to her dad. They are horrible. And he feeds it a lot, though that has changed more recently with my guidance. He gives them everything and allows them to feed off him. He complains that they are independent but he continues to allow that, which he’s been working on. I can’t blame him fully, his wife ran off when the youngest was just 4 and he’s been on his own, giving them what they want to make up for what she did.

We’ve both agreed how we want it when we have kids, we want the same things. We want them to be independent and strong, hard workers like both of us. I refuse to be a crutch for my child, not having that from my parents made me the person I am today, however I refuse to treat my kids the way my parents treated me. I want them to grow up in a loving, caring, and nurturing house but teach them the skills it takes to succeed in life. I really hope I do ok. I’m determined to break the cycle! I pray I will not treat my children like my parents treated me, I don’t want them to suffer and be on their own, I want them to know I’m there for them! I don’t want them struggling with suicide like I did. I just don’t want that.

This has been quit the post today. I don’t want it to get too long. I have been full of words more lately, opening up more, this is all thanks to my friend/counselor. He has helped me SO much and is helping me get to the place I want to be. One day I will be where I need to be and it will be thanks to him. I can’t wait to be “normal” and have a “normal” life and get past my past. One day.

Now, I continue to wait…if I am unable to entertain myself, expect more posts…don’t worry, I will update you once the Captain is escorted out. I really do hope, for my sake and any other girl that might start working here, that today is the last day we ever see him.

Ramblings…can you keep up?

I don’t know what the deal is with people lately but everyone is so damn crabby! I’m so tired of dealing with crabby people. They are at work, at home, at school, at stores…what is the deal?! Is there something in the water? I came home to one pissy ass mother! Asking me what I do around here and how “fucking lazy” I am! WTF?! I have 4 jobs AND keep up with my part of house work!! My brother…he has zero jobs, failed out of college, and sits on his ass playing Xbox all day! And she’s bitching at me!?! It just pisses me off so bad and today it’s pissing me off more than normal.

I bust my ass and have been working regular hours since I was 15 years old, starting out with lifeguarding, but that’s not enough. I have never not had a job, I’ve always worked, been paying my own way since I was 15 years old, but that’s not good enough. I put myself through college, while working 3 jobs, busted my ass and graduated with 2 degrees and I’m part way done with another, but that’s not good enough. I bought my first car, I bought a dirtbike on my own, I just bought my newest car on my own. My credit is more than perfect, I’ve never been denied anything when it comes to loans.

My sister…her and her boyfriend just bought a house so they are one up on me, but she works half ass at a job and is still attempting college. She wants to be a teacher but can’t pass the classes. She has a business degree but no business to manage. Mom helped them buy the house, paid for most of her car, paid for 50% of her college, and is forking out a fortune for this wedding. And this is her perfect child…the one she will do anything for. My sister has racked up major credit card debt, can’t get a loan on her own.

My brother…he will be 21 years old in a month, he’s never had a job, he failed out of a community college, and he just sits at home all the time playing Xbox. My parents bought him a truck, paid for all his college he failed at, bought him a dirtbike, and let him sit on his ass while they do work around the house.

What the hell is wrong with this picture?!?! Friends of my parents tell me all the time that it’s just stupid what my parents put me though. They say I’m the only one going places, the only one making a name for myself, the only one doing something with my life. They say my parents should be proud of me, but they aren’t. I wish just once they would tell me how good I’m doing for myself. I’ll never hear that.

Back in July of 2003 I was in a major car accident. My sister was driving, my brother was in the passenger seat, two friends were on either side of me, and I was in the middle back seat. Let me recap here what I can remember of this event. I do not remember that day. I do not remember the week before. I have a lot of black spots and most of the details I have came after from people telling me, but there is one thing I will never forget about the accident.

I remember screaming…being slammed to my side…then I was out…I remember pain in my hip, oh how it hurt…I remember undoing my seat belt, not comprehending I was upside down…I remember falling…then I was out…I remember yelling, everyone yelling…I remember not being able to move my legs…I can’t fell them, are they still there…oh god…no, I can’t move my legs…then I was out…I remember laying in the road, people everywhere…how did I get here…oh the pain in my hip, it hurts…tears are coming now…what happened…what happened…where am I…then I was out…I remember the firefighter coming to my side…I remember calling him sir…he told me not too…I couldn’t stop saying sir…then I was out…I remember being in the ambulance, my firefighter still with me…but now someone new, the paramedic…I remember being focused on these damn scissors clipped above my head…how badly I wanted them moved…I bugged the medic, swore they would come down on me…finally my firefighter moved them…then I was out…I remember waking up in the hospital…I could feel my legs…I could move them again!…then I was out…

I spent most of the time in the ER that night alone. My dad stayed with my sister. My mom stayed with my brother. Me…I stayed by myself. I knew before then that I was different in this family, I was the black sheep, the one not worth anyone’s time, but that night was the moment I knew everyone could see it too. There were people in and out of the ER rooms, 5 kids in one accident…we had lots of visitors. I saw my parents for a brief moment, but they didn’t stay. Family came and went between the rooms, but they didn’t stay long. There is one person I am forever grateful for that night. A guy I went to school with lived just up the road, he heard about the accident and came to the hospital. One of my friends in the car was friends with him, so he wanted to make sure everyone was ok. I remember him walking by my room and stopping, he came in and asked if he could sit down. I thought it was weird but didn’t stop him. I asked who he was here to see, he mentioned one of the other people in the car. I then asked why he was in my room. His next words I will never forget, “Everyone else has family, parents, siblings, in their room. You don’t. I don’t like you sitting here alone, so if you don’t mind, I’d like to stay.” And he did, until I got released. We never spoke of it after, but I will never forget what he did for me that night.

That night changed my life in many ways. I realized how different I was. One day I’m sure stories of my childhood will come out more in this blog, but it was that day I realized that other people can see the difference in our family. Other people know they treat me different. Other people can see it too and I didn’t feel so alone after that. I started reading more, stories were my escape, but I also read about abuse, ways to help myself, ways to get better. I know I need help, because there is a lot I struggle with, but right now I am doing the best I can. I might turn this blog into therapy and review for myself, to talk about the things I can’t, to share my story with others. I know it helped me hearing stories like mine, so maybe I can help someone else.

This is where I bring in my older man, he has been great for me when it comes to my childhood and my struggles. I am not a good problem solver, I struggle with being about to say the things on my mind, I punish myself too often…it’s a real battle, more than most people know and understand. He understands me, gets it, takes the time to know what’s going on, takes the time to learn me, to help me…he listens. This is one major advantage to being with my older man, he is patient and understanding. When most people have walked away, he has stuck around and refuse to leave. He loves me no matter what, he understands I’m human, knows I make mistakes, and I am forever grateful to have him in my life. I need to be more like him in this part of the relationship. I used to forgive and forget too quickly and got hurt too much…I need to learn to do that again for him. I need to be better at this whole relationship thing and I plan on working on it for him. It’s time I get some help for myself, it’s time I break free from everything in my past. I want to be the best person I can be and I want to do better for myself and for him.

Tattle Tale

I’m a bad friend, go ahead, say it, I know I am. Let me correct that, I’m a bad ex-friend…seriously, you do not want me as your enemy!

First, a little back story so you understand. I had this friend, she was a really good friend of mine, she ended up pregnant after a hook up in the backseat of her car (and her mom says I’m the bad influence! ha!). Not the best decision on her part, but not my choice. Anyway, her and this guy decide they are going to keep the kid, great. She moves 45 mins away to live with this guy. They seem to be doing good until she’s 8 months pregnant. I get a phone call from her demanding to be picked up ASAP. He’s apparently had another girlfriend since she was about 4 months pregnant and decided he no longer wants a kid or her. So I rescue her, take off work, spend my time and money helping her, get her all moved in with her mom again.

Time comes, she has the kid, and he’s so freaking cute! : ) So I help her some in the beginning, let her know it’s going to be ok and stuff. 2 weeks after having the kid she decides to go to a party, meets a boy there. (Let’s take not here that he’s 8 years older than her.) They hit it off well, become friends and start dating. Meanwhile she is applying for all kinds of state aid and welfare to help raise this child because she doesn’t go to school, works maybe 15 hours a week, and her mother is retired. So she gets all this state aid as long as she lives with her mother.

Well, her and this guy she met hit it off so well that they move in together. She doesn’t notify the state office that she has moved, she lets them continue to believe she lives with her mom. Short time after they find out the child is deaf, poor kid. So they take him to all kinds of specialist (on state money) to figure everything out. He gets a special doctor, hearing aids…the works (good for him!). Well, state decides they are going to pay for one cochlear implant but not the other. She’s pissed! Thinks she has a right for the state to pay for BOTH! State assigns them special teacher for speech therapy and pays for schooling too to a special school to prepare him for kindergarten. All the therapy is done at her mom’s house because that’s where the state thinks she is living.

During all this time they have taken several vacations, to many states. During one of these vacations they meet up with some family who tells them they should sign the kid up for disability. Are you kidding me?!?! He’s not even 5!! But the state approved it! $1200 a month worth!!!! On top of the other money they are getting already! Stupid!! Now, while they are on this vacation they also decide to get “married” but not let the state know it was a legal ceremony. See, she receives a pell grant and gets school paid for PLUS another $2200 a SEMESTER extra to spend on school supplies, gas, etc…they don’t want to get married because they won’t get this money. That means they’d have to actually pay for her schooling…wouldn’t want that.

Now…I should mention that this guy of hers make $28+ an hour…together they make more than enough to not need this state aid. No, they could not live NEAR as comfortable as they are now, but they can survive like the rest of us and still have some left, but they can’t save, just spend, spend, spend. So lets take an inventory…they have a flat screen tv, bought ALL new furniture, Xbox with kinect, a 4-wheeler, a $300 remote control car, a $170 remote control helicopter, a bike, guns, vacations…I can’t keep track! They are blowing money on whatever they want.

Now, what made her my ex-friend, which may sound like a dumb “girl” problem to you, but I have my reason. See, though I am considered a “gifted” child, I am behind in many other departments, kind of like autism (though I refuse to let my doctor test me). Since I am behind in some areas, I am sensitive to being called certain names. Last spring I was finishing up paramedic school and doing a ton of clinicals and working and studying…I was busy! I literally had like 1 to 2 days off each month, it sucked! One day I got a text from her man, now keep in mind here I hadn’t talked to or hung out with any of my friends in a long while, but his text basically asked why I never stop by. I told him I’ve been busy, blah, blah, blah.

Well he doesn’t answer for a few days, then I get another text that says, “You’re acting so stupid! It’s ******’s birthday today and you’re going to miss it! I bet you didn’t even get him anything.” Ok, are you kidding me?! First of all, being called “stupid” is something I am sensitive about, I don’t like it because I believe I really am stupid, especially in some areas. Next, all he’s worried about is what I’m buying the kid…I think they get MORE than enough state money to buy the kid plenty! Well, after talking to my friend about this she didn’t stand up for me (I saw that coming). It’s no loss to me, he was a jerk all the time and she couldn’t care what he did to me.

He used to give me trouble all the time and make fun of me for hanging out with my OM (before we were officially together) but yet he is 8 years older than my friend…8 years is apparently acceptable, where 24 is not. So…all in all, not much of a “loss” losing them from my life.

Now, back to the point of this story…I turned them in to the state for fraud and I’m not feeling the least bit guilty. I know what you’re thinking…you did it because you wanted revenge…wrong! I did it because I’m tired of them, and everyone out there, abusing the system. I think you should have to work for money, not have it handed to you! And I think that if I have to take a drug test to go to work and support YOUR ass, then you better have to take one to get that money!! I’m running for president! lol j/k…it wouldn’t change anything. Now, do you think I made the right choice? Or should I have let it go?

What is wrong with the world?

Watching the news this morning at the start of my shift, I saw this story and all I could think is, “what the f***is wrong with the world?!” Seriously! what the hell happened? There are so many people is this world that want children to raise in a loving home, why not give your unwanted child to them? There have been FAR too many children murdered lately!! Like this story, killing to see “what it felt like.” She has made quit the stir in this area. Or how about this one, killing her child because he was crying?!

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There are so many places to get help if you can’t take the stress of your children. You can take them any where with one of these signs if you don’t want the child anymore, no questions asked.
National Safe Place

I just hate more than anything, seeing children hurt or killed for no reason. These kids deserve way more than this! Give them to someone that wants them! Someone that can’t raise kids, allow them to raise the child in a loving and caring home! Children are so innocent, what would they have done to deserve to be tortured or killed?