Changes…

Why must WordPress keep changing??? Every time I finally log into the computer instead of using my phone, it looks different! This is really messing with me! Hell, the drugs aren’t helping, then they change this crap on me…I’m SO confused! I need more adderall to help me focus on this crap! Ah…I need sleep!

December 14, 2012

A day I will remember forever, but not just because of the schooling shooting.

On this particular day I reported to work, just like any other. While at work, I got a breaking news text on my phone which is nothing new. Usually it’s just an accident, or weather related, but as we all know this one wasn’t any of the above. This was of a shooting, a horrible shooting at an elementary school. How tragic and horrible. I wanted to know more like my coworkers however emergencies took control and it was pushed aside.

Shortly after my shift began, my truck received a call to take a long distance transfer. My partner and I were pretty excited because it’s been a particularly busy rotation and this transfer was 5 hours ONE way! Hell yea, we’ll take that. Little did I know that this patient would change my life. The only information I received was a younger female, psych, going to a center for help.

My partner and I arrived to the hospital and were told the patient was in the ICU. I was shocked, an ICU patient going non-urgent 5 hours away…weird. When we got upstairs I was greeted by a teenage female, polite as can be. She asked not to get on the stretcher, stated her legs worked just fine. As you wish. She had her bag of items with her, clothing and stuff, and I offered to carry it or put it on the stretcher, which she did not want either. She told me she was fine and was capable, so I didn’t argue.

Once in the truck, my partner drove given the whole “female” thing. I started talking to this girl and was amazed by her story. I couldn’t believe her life, what she went through. I looked at her paperwork and saw that the physician wrote “suicidal” and “depressed” needing transfer to a facility that had better treatment. 5 hours away?? So I asked her why she was going there, to which she replied that is where she was from. Now, how does a female, under 17, end up 5 hours away from home…all alone…? I’ll tell you how…

She grew up 10 hours away from my ambulance area, and when she was 7 years old she was taken away from her parents. Both her parents had drug and alcohol problems, including meth and heroine. The state took her out of the home, but she said she doesn’t remember much of that time, just being hungry and mom and dad always gone. At 8 years old her father died of a drug overdose and at 8 and a half she was awarded to the state. However in this particular state there was very little room for her in the system so they shipped her to another state, my state.

When she got to my state she went to foster care. She said the first foster home didn’t work out, the second home the lady gave up her foster care license so at 11 years old she ended up in a children’s center…the one I was taking her to that particular day. At 13 years old, she was adopted. At 14 her adoptive dad molester her. WTF?! An ADOPTIVE parent…that is just wrong. So at 15 she was awarded to the state. She was recently sent to my area to be treated and ended up in the ICU for a few days. She talked to the doctor and said she wanted to go “home” so he signed paperwork to make sure it happened.

This girl was amazing. She has never done drugs, never drank, was doing decent in school. She didn’t take state money to buy a laptop, cell phone, senior items for school, nor did she want to accept it for college. I read her file, she has been working since 14 with a work permit and bought herself an iPod that she had wanted. She was truly an amazing girl! I talked to her social worker for a while too, she verified everything she told me. She doesn’t like getting money from the state, she wants to work for what she has. I’m so impressed given how many people out there believe they should just be handed everything and plus some.

We didn’t spend the whole time talking about her, she asked about my life. I told her about the abuse, my parent’s drinking and some of my story. She kept saying how sorry she was, but I know she had the more difficult life. She was just amazing, full of smiles and laughter. It’s always the ones that have the roughest life that hide being the smile. They hide their own pain to try and make other’s smile.

We played dots and hangman, she introduced me to some new books. We listened to radio coverage about the shooting, talked about that. We talked about suicide, she said she could never do it. She asked the doctor to say she was to make sure she could get back “home,” the children’s center that she said she loves. We talked about school, friends, college, jobs…it was amazing. She has opened my eyes, she has had this horrible life and she’s always smiling. She’s always happy, she likes making people laugh. She wants to smile and just be happy.

I returned home after my shift and my mother asked me why I was 5 hours away so I told her the story of this girl, this amazing girl. My mom’s reply…? “Does she want to live here?? I feel sorry for people like that, I want to give her a home.” WTF!? You think living HERE is going to help her??? But that is how my mom is…she puts up a good image. Then this morning…more problems with the bitch! Her “helpfulness” was all gone! She told me I need to start paying rent because she’s broke. I’m all for paying rent, or working my ass off (which I do) for my room and board, but I have a problem with paying rent to her because “she’s broke”! I don’t fucking think so!! She makes over $100,000 a year, drives a 2011 Corvette, and goes out almost every single night (literally), drinking all of them! On Thursday she racked up a $188 bill with her drinking buddies…and she says she doesn’t have any money. I’m not fucking paying!!

I make less than $20,000 a year, with school loans, and pretty bad medical problems. I can’t really “afford” to pay much in rent, but I’m at work all the time so why rent a place? All this house is is a place to store my stuff, where she constantly gives me chores, tells me to get home RIGHT after work to care for the dogs so she can go out drinking, to do this, do that. She’s just pissing me off, but I guess since everyone’s favorite aunt is here for the week…well my mood is just way off.

I’m not having a good day, thanks mostly to my mom, and feel kind of bad because my man came to visit me and I was really grumpy. I just feel bad. I apologized to him, but still feel bad. However, most of the time he was so wrapped up in watching tv that I wrapped his Christmas gifts right in front of him! ha I just hope everything gets better soon. I hate the fucking holiday’s!! They are killing me! I need a damn break!! That twin study said I tested positive in 4 areas for PTSD…well, that has some major triggers being hit right now and I just want to scream, fuck the world!

Day One

My first official day at the new job and it was awesome!! I was so scared and nervous, which I still am slightly because I’m finally working as a medic, but they made me feel like a fit! Everyone was so nice and helpful! I still have a lot to learn and I’m scared shitless about being a medic on my own, but it’s so exciting! It’s always slightly difficult starting a new job, learning the ways, what to do, and how everyone operates, but that will come in time. I feel like I fit in great so far and every single person I have met has been just extra nice and helpful…rural areas are always so much better than cities! People are just all around nicer! I can’t wait to start working more hours there and phase out at the hell I’m stuck in now! In fact, I sent my Chief a letter informing him of my new job (which he helped me get with an amazing letter of recommendation):

Chief *******,

I am writing today to inform you that I am starting a new career and will be working less shifts with (our organization) after June 2012. I am by no means quitting (said job), I am just informing you that my hours will be less. If CPR classes are needed, PR events need staffed, or anything else is needed in town, please feel free to e-mail or call me anytime. If it does not conflict with my schedule, I am more than willing to help.

Due to recent activities within the EMS department, I can no longer continue to work as many hours as I have. I am sorry for giving this information after all you have done for me, however I can not continue working with the staff and enjoy my job. It is time for me to cut back for my own self. But please know, I am not quitting and am more than willing to teach, work events, and continue to operate as an EMT on the ambulance.

I am not giving up, but I am unable to work as often at (our organization) with the staff. I am worn out from being one of the few that help out and work. Due to the supervisory staff and lack of support, I feel I am being poorly treated and can no longer continue to come to work and function to the best of my ability. It is a struggle to do my job without wanting to complain or feel like I need to yell at a fellow employee. I do not like this part of myself and want to prevent it from happening. I feel very little appreciation for the work I do and rarely get help.

Thank you for everything you have taught me, I appreciate your training and knowledge to help start me in this field. It will not go forgotten.

Thank you,
************

The worst days of those who enjoy what they do, are better than the best days of those who don’t. – E. James Rohn

I got sent out on just one call today, crazy considering they have ran over 4,300 calls for the year so far, but the field training officer I was with said I did a great job. He told me I’d fit in great here and am doing very well for myself. That’s very exciting considering it’s my very first day and I only ran one call! All the medics I rode with on my student time for paramedic school always said what an awesome job I did, but I’m not completely sure where they got that idea…I feel scared and sometimes completely lost!! I guess that comes with being a new medic, but the people I ride with say I do awesome all around. They have said I have great paramedic skills and I am great with the patients too. I never want to stop learning and hope to become the paramedic everyone claims I already am.
Besides working like crazy I have been spending as much time as I can with my awesome man. : ) He’s so good to me and for me! Recently a fellow bloggers left a comment about cutting ties with family. This happens to be something I have thought about very much and I’d like to share my thoughts here so they can get out of my head. I have read a lot before about abused children and cutting ties with their family, I have had a discussion with a close friend/personal therapist, and I think this would truly be the best choice for me.
My family can be extremely toxic and bring me down a lot, some days they don’t know they are doing it, other days they seem to get joy out of it, and none of it is good for me. I need to get myself away from them to heal fully. There are now two reasons for me to cut ties with my family if they don’t straight up their act. One is the abuse, I need time to heal. The other reason is being in my age gap relationship. I have had this discussion with my older man and he knows the sacrifice I may have to make, and he fully tried to walk away, I told him no. I refuse to let my family stand in the way of our relationship and how amazing it has been for my life.
I’m having a very hard time lately getting my mind to focus fully, next time i will not let my medicine run out. I am going to watch The Blind Side, if you’ve never seen it or read the book then I highly suggest you go now!! I will watch this movie and then maybe later tonight or this week I can refocus and write everything racing in my mind. Good night world! : )