I’m Giving Up

When I first got into this field I volunteered 6 months on the ambulance waiting for them to hire me. I have fought for every job I have to prove myself. Every day I work my ass off, cleaning, working, doing everyone else’s work. I volunteer to help all the time, do extra hours, volunteer time, stay around to help, but does it matter? Does it mean anything?

No. It never does and it never will.

I see people all the time get hired, never having to volunteer. People say what excellent employees they are, but I see them sitting around all the time. Zero experience and just walk into a job. They get full time while I’m busting my ass to stay on the part time list.

It pisses me off! More than I can ever explain! More than it probably should. I can’t explain the hurt inside me, the feeling of being forgotten. I can’t stop the pain and I can’t explain why it’s so strong. Tonight I can’t handle it anymore. I’m done! I give up! I quit! I’ll never be good enough, ever. It’s as simple as that.

There’s One At Every Job

Well today officially ruined every love for the new job! I just can’t escape bitches!! It’s wearing me down!

So I had several days of orientation at the new job and all was going great! Loved the people, they have been wonderful to us! Almost ALL of the equipment is stuff I have/do use and apparently that is the problem.

I found out today that an employee was complaining to several people and said I’m a “snobby, know it all”. Why did she say this?? Well she showed us the equipment on the trucks and kept asking, “Has anyone used this before?” Well…I have…on every single thing she showed us. Honestly, I have used it all…so that makes me a snobby, know it all. Was I suppose to lie?! I mean she asked…it’s not my fault I’ve been trained on it and use it already.

I found out she has been a problem in the past and my fellow new hire doesn’t care for her. There has been talk of “problem employees” and to stay away from them…well I know one of them now. I will never say a work to or in front of her again…ever.

It just pisses me off! Fucking woman!! EMS is the worse! They are so fucking territorial and get pissy and downright evil when other woman get hired on. Well now we all know who one of them is…

Working My Ass Off!

Not that I have one to work off. One of my job, when I started there last year the guys swore they were going to make me fat. Well, they have failed so far because not only are they not making me fat, I seem to weigh less now. I’m one of those girls you hate because I can eat anything and everything and not gain an ounce. The difference between me and some of those girls though, I don’t go around calling myself fat. I also HATE that I can’t gain weight! I’m too freaking skinny and don’t like it at all!

Now with that said, I started my newest job this week. It has been my dream job! They keep telling us to be proud of ourselves, that not many people make it there. They picked us because we truly are the best in the field. Boy is the pressure on! I’m loving it! Loving the people, but the pressure…I’m freaking nervous! I’m afraid I don’t know enough, I’m afraid I’ll mess up, or not know the drugs or doses, or just…I’m fucking scared!!! But my man swears I know my stuff, that it all comes natural on a call, and that I was just born to be there. We shall see.

What does this job  have to do with having no ass? Well ALL of my uniform had to be ordered! I’m too freaking small! They had no shirts, dress shirts, polos, pants, boots, job shirts, coats…NOTHING in my size! They didn’t even have gear for me for vehicle accidents and what not. It’s horrible! But other than that…I FREAKING LOVE IT!!!!! They people are great, the job is great, the Chief is really cool, the officer staff is awesome…I just love it! I’m SO happy with the job! I will tell you more about the pressures and stuff, but for now I need sleep. I’m stuck at hell job tomorrow…it’s going to ruin my week!

Job Interview

I will kick myself in the ass if I fucked this up for myself! I’m suck a fucking idiot! Due to my horrible car accident my long term memory is shot, I actually have full sections of my life I can’t remember. I got asked at the end of the interview if I had tickets, even ones that are fixed. I said no, I was wrong. I don’t remember honestly but my mom swears I have two. FUCK!!! I will just die if I fucked this up!! I have to call Monday and try to explain, just fucking wonderful. I’m SO stressed! I literally didn’t sleep last night. I’m exhausted and praying for fucking Monday to show up! Just great! UGH! I don’t know if I should show up or call…I don’t know if I should just say fuck, I already fucked myself and give it up. I hate me right now!

Skipping a Holiday

March 31st is Easter and I’m skipping it! I put into work and didn’t get scheduled at a single job of mine, FML! I was really hoping to work, it makes life easier, but as far as my family is concerned I’m working. I’m getting up in the morning, getting ready, dressed in work clothes and leaving to meet my man. We are spending the day geocaching!! : ) I can’t think of a better way to spend the holiday. I get to finally spend some time with my man, away from reality, enjoying ourselves as a normal couple. Maybe we can make geocaching a holiday tradition for us because this isn’t the first one I lied and skipped out on. Can you blame me? You would to if you were stuck with my family!

As for my day…well if you are watching the weather I about going to be snowed in soon. The only problem with this is I’m about to get snowed into hell job! It doesn’t matter how much it snows, I WILL be leaving tonight when my shift is over! I REFUSE to get stuck here! These people are fucking idiots! The city has been talking about shutting the department down, so what do these fuckers do? They decide to start a website and post addresses and HOME phone numbers for city officials! It’s really funny though, when I first read it I couldn’t help but laugh. They should probably have found someone that was literate and knew some basic English…fucking idiots! You just guaranteed we will get shut down…thanks. I’m glad though, the sooner they shut it down the sooner I’m done dealing with you assholes and won’t have to pay back any of my money for schooling. I appreciate it! Really, I do!

As for life, it’s going good. Been taking care of my puppy, he’s been so drugged, but he’s doing wonderful! Which makes me feel a million times better! He’s back to his happy, playful self! I started another blog, for my dog, and to work on my writing skills, if you want to read it just e-mail me and I’ll share.

Now off to work on my photography to try to keep me out of trouble while I’m stuck in hell job. I don’t need to get written up again because a bunch of assholes get their lie together and fuck me over.

Finally! Finally! FINALLY!!!!

Back when I started my EMS career, I had a department that was my goal to be on. I did everything to make it there, that’s what I wanted, that’s where I wanted to be. I haven’t posted much about this, but I did the written test for them a while back, then waited on a letter. After a wait that felt like FOREVER, I got a letter inviting me to the practical skills test.

I was SO nervous! But had a nice packet, cover letter, resume, reference letters, and handed it right to the Chief. They were impressed, where everyone else just brought the application and nothing more. My first test was ACLS…well FUCK! lol The patient lived, so I thought that was a good sign. Then moved on with the rest, the EKG test had me nervous because I wasn’t sure how much they wanted us to give, so I gave it all. I listed any MI, Axis deviation, you name it…I had it. I left there feeling ok, but not great because I was just nervous in general. I tried to laugh, look confident, and smile the entire time.

Today, while at the hospital with a patient, I ran into one of the guys that tested me. He recognized me, tracked me down, and said, “Hey, did you get your letter?” I wasn’t getting off till tonight, so I had no idea if it had come in the mail yet. I told him no, he said, “Oh well they mailed them yesterday so it sure be there today.” I told him I would be sure to look for it and to have a great shift. Then I started thinking…he said “did you get your letter”, not “how’d you do?” or anything like that…am I thinking too much into this? I tried to push it out of my mind.

A few hours later I got a text from my mom telling me a letter had come in the mail from the place I tested. I said ok and left it at that. I didn’t want her to open it because if I didn’t move on I know hearing it come from her would make it that much worse. It felt like the day took FOREVER after that! I mean FOREVER! Each time I looked at the clock I swear it had the same time on it! Finally, shift ended, rushed home to find my letter. I didn’t know what to do first…I felt it, it felt thick. Can I really open it? Geez…what if it’s a no…I’ll be so disappointed in myself. Finally I sat down with it, my puppy came to join me. I opened it up and…

I INTERVIEW NEXT WEEK!!!! This is JUST what I need!! : )

Living in Hell

I’m stuck in hell job today, which means plenty of time locked up in a room to think and write. I woke up this morning with a major allergy attached, I was so swollen, itchy, red…it was just horrible so I took a benadryl. My body doesn’t work the same as most people, it takes 2 or 3 benadryl to make me sleepy normally. I was already exhauster and I guess fighting this stuff off make me that much more tired because I slept the entire first half of my shift. I was out cold! Around lunch time my partner woke me up to get food, which was good because my ass needed to get up anyway. The crews ate, I watched. Came back and cooked my Ramen noodles, yum. Just finished the last bite when my truck got a call. Came back from that and boy did the rumors start flying around here.

A few months back several of these idiots decided they would follow Captain Dumbass, remember him? Put his hands on me?? Well they decided to follow his uneducated idea and sign Union cards to fight for more money. Hey stupids…they entire country is broke, this state is broke more than any other, and you want to bring in a Union just so you can ask for more money?! I tried telling them the Union is going to ruin what they have. They don’t have to do chores, we don’t have to stay at the station, we don’t get overtime, but a few people have only this job and they get to work all the hours they want making bank. Did anyone listen? Nope.

And guess what…now they are bitching about the Union, for all the reasons I told them. They are complaining because they can no longer work more than 24 hours in a week, there went all their money. They are mad because Union dues are being taking out of their checks, I told them that would happen. They are pissed they are now required to do chores and stay at the station. And did we get a raise…nope! I told them! I warned them! I told them EXACTLY what would happen but they didn’t want to listen or believe me. Now they are freaking out because they have no money. Unlike them…I got myself 2 other jobs and tested yesterday for a 3rd one. I’m getting the fuck out of here! Now I just hope hours pick up at the others so I can get money back. I am so behind on bills thanks to the bitch here…I gotta catch up!

As for you Mr. President…you are a fucking idiot!! I have to buy health insurance out of pocket or risk fines. Thanks to your stupid fucking “Obamacare” shit…my health insurance now costs me $285 a FUCKING MONTH! Before you fucked shit up I was paying $170. Then saying if you work more than 30 hours a week, your company must offer insurance…well guess what, everyone just got their hours cut! I think your fucking pay needs cut! STOP GIVING MONEY TO OTHER COUNTRIES WHEN WE NEED IT! Illegal immigrants have more rights and get more money than I do! Fuck that! I’m leaving this country, becoming a citizen of another, then hopping the boarder back here so I can get free food, schooling, health care, and a cellphone. That is the fucking problem with this country, idiots like you brainless fucks at the capital! You’re so fucking stupid you ran this country into a fucking hole! Thank you for that.

My Week, Summarized

Well, this week has been good and bad so far. Starting from the beginning…

My mom has been on me about paying more rent. First, I couldn’t pay even if I wanted to! I can’t even buy myself food and gas money, let alone pay rent and other bills! Her reason for this is, “I know many 18 year olds paying rent.” Yea, me too and they either dropped out of school because they didn’t feel like going or they moved out! Fucking get over it bitch! She doesn’t care that I’m not working, she never cares, “grow up and deal with it” is how she “handles” shit. So I sent her a text that said my shit will be gone by the weekend, boy that did go over well!

She fucking FLIPPED out! “I’m not the bitch you make me out to be!” No mom, you make yourself out to be one just fucking fine! “I hope when you have kids they stab you in the heart like this!” Wrong again, I won’t treat my kids like the dirt you walk in! She just acts like she’s so fucking wonderful and the best fucking mom around! She’s a two faced fucking whore! Yes! I called my mother that and don’t you even judge me! You don’t know the hell I have been through!

Basically, I’m not moving out yet because she needs someone here to care for her damn dog! Oh and my “ass can fucking clean the house a little more!” Yea…so glad she can’t fucking pay attention in her drunkenness! Ugh! I clean EVERY FUCKING DAY! Sure glad she can pay attention! I’m always cleaning up after her and her drunk ass friends! It’s like living with a bitch of a roommate that can’t fucking pick up after herself! And I’m not even lying when I say this…she has gone out drinking EVERY NIGHT for the past THREE WEEKS! So, no I will NOT be paying rent to YOU to support YOUR habit! I’m moving the fuck out!

I tested for one job this past weekend, I will know more about that one this Friday or Saturday. I’m doubting I’ll get it given the competitiveness of the test, the process, and my lack of the full training that several there had, but we shall see. Next, yesterday I test and interviewed for another job. It’s quit a drive, pay is low, but it’s work…and guess what…I GOT IT! : ) I’m pretty excited! Rarely do people that aren’t well known down there get a job! Actually, they go off the “word of mouth” theory, people who live there get hired there, I’m their first “outsider”! How fucking awesome! I really like the people there too so this is freaking sweet!

My man came down with the “man cold” two days ago! And I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about! He’s dying, planning his funeral and all! Haha He doesn’t even have a fever, but damn it’s deadly! I love that man though! I wanted to go care for him, but he told me not to come over, that I can’t afford getting sick with this class. He never gets sick and I feel bad for him but he refuses me to come over so I left some soup for him at the door on my way through and that’s been it. Just a lot of FaceTime visits for now. Maybe tomorrow he will be well enough because I need someone to help me study!!

Other than that, just studying my ass off! Big test for class on Friday, just wanted to share my news. Have a great week! And I promise I read you blogs, despite me not responding much right now. Keep writing.

Search and Rescue

This may not have been the “week from hell” but thanks to my mother it was pretty damn close! What a bitch!! And before you question me, I have spent years of abuse and if you ask any of her friends, they will tell you what they told, my parents should not be allowed to have me. But that is a story you can’t find if you read back, sharing it now only makes me angry.

This week I tested for a job, one that I am not likely to get, being a girl and not have a $5000 piece of paper that says u attended “their” training, though my training is the same because it all resulted in state certification. It’s hard to explain but a total pain in the ass. Over 150 people tested!! Yes, a lot!!! An only the top 30 move to the next of a 4 step process. I doubt I did we’ll enough, but well see in a few weeks.

After all that, I joined my man on a road trip. I was in a bad mood, which was entirely my mothers fault, again! I apologized and he took me to a few caches along the way. That helped, until we got to our destination. Then the people hiding the caches had me worked up more. One of them cheated to get their cache published.

It was our first stop, a cache that has yet to be found. The coordinates put you in the middle of a field, literally!! So after an hour search of the nearest trees, we got nothing. E-mailed the cacher owner only to get a message back later that read: “I know the coordinates are off, I had to do that to get it published because it fell too close to another cache.” WFT?! Seriously??? It’s an entire HUGE open section with PLENTY of areas to hide and you have to cheat???? Fuck you!

So we moved on to other caches there, all hidden by the same person, after two caches I said, “fuck this” and quit! I think you should be required so many finds before you can hide a cache. And you need to be slightly smarter than a fucking monkey! This person clearly had very little knowledge of caching! The first of their cache put me in the middle of a field between 3 sections of trees, all about 50 feet away! Ugh! After several searches, I found it on pure luck. Off to the next. Same damn thing! GPS put me in a damn field!!! Read the hint…the item that matches the hint is a good 75 feet or more away! Are you freaking kidding???? I posted a note that said, “This is the second of your caches I have tried today. I am not logging this as a DNF because I didn’t truly look, but I suggest you update your coordinate because ALL of them are off!”

I know, the GPS takes you to the general location then you search from there, but fuck! This wasn’t even getting me in a general location!!!! I’m not dealing with that every time. You’re coordinates need to be somewhat close! Damn!

So he took me home after that, held me tight for a while to calm me down from my mother. He also fed me, it was my first full meal in 2 days, and my stomach did not take to it well! I was SO sick! It was horrible!!

I spent today complete alone like a loser. I was not invited to any parties, my man had to work, and I was suppose to be studying. I’m getting really nervous for my next critical care test, which is this week! : ( I’m scared! Flipping out! I’m panicking!! I feel like I know nothing!! But right now I’m preparing for another test too! 3 in one week is just stupid!!!!

This week I test for another job. Yes, not including the last test, this is a whole different department. The pay sucks, the drive is far, but the people are nice and it beats hell job! So I’m trying! I won’t jinx myself, but the Assistant Chief seems to like me and I’m helping her study for this next test, let’s hope it is enough! I need something! Anything!!!

My aunt and uncle invited me on a cruise this summer. Problem is I need a buddy to go along, to make it cheaper, and I have none. My cousin suggested I take my man, but we know the family won’t like that. I have no friends, and none that are responsible with money to be able to afford it. Hell, I can’t afford it now anymore either! I’m bummed, it was going to be my escape, a time to relax, and instead I’m stuck here…in hell. Never an escape.

Sometimes the internet is a great search tool, other times not so much. This time not so much. I want to find search teams that work you a couple months out of the year, I would love to do this!! All the teams around me are volunteer only, which is great but I already volunteer and it takes money. Money I don’t have. You have to buy your own equipment, tools, uniform, lodging, gas, vehicle…everything you have to pay for. Can’t do that. So I would like to know, do you know of any? I think it would be a great experience! So let me know. I would love to do this!!