I’m Giving Up

When I first got into this field I volunteered 6 months on the ambulance waiting for them to hire me. I have fought for every job I have to prove myself. Every day I work my ass off, cleaning, working, doing everyone else’s work. I volunteer to help all the time, do extra hours, volunteer time, stay around to help, but does it matter? Does it mean anything?

No. It never does and it never will.

I see people all the time get hired, never having to volunteer. People say what excellent employees they are, but I see them sitting around all the time. Zero experience and just walk into a job. They get full time while I’m busting my ass to stay on the part time list.

It pisses me off! More than I can ever explain! More than it probably should. I can’t explain the hurt inside me, the feeling of being forgotten. I can’t stop the pain and I can’t explain why it’s so strong. Tonight I can’t handle it anymore. I’m done! I give up! I quit! I’ll never be good enough, ever. It’s as simple as that.

There’s One At Every Job

Well today officially ruined every love for the new job! I just can’t escape bitches!! It’s wearing me down!

So I had several days of orientation at the new job and all was going great! Loved the people, they have been wonderful to us! Almost ALL of the equipment is stuff I have/do use and apparently that is the problem.

I found out today that an employee was complaining to several people and said I’m a “snobby, know it all”. Why did she say this?? Well she showed us the equipment on the trucks and kept asking, “Has anyone used this before?” Well…I have…on every single thing she showed us. Honestly, I have used it all…so that makes me a snobby, know it all. Was I suppose to lie?! I mean she asked…it’s not my fault I’ve been trained on it and use it already.

I found out she has been a problem in the past and my fellow new hire doesn’t care for her. There has been talk of “problem employees” and to stay away from them…well I know one of them now. I will never say a work to or in front of her again…ever.

It just pisses me off! Fucking woman!! EMS is the worse! They are so fucking territorial and get pissy and downright evil when other woman get hired on. Well now we all know who one of them is…

Working My Ass Off!

Not that I have one to work off. One of my job, when I started there last year the guys swore they were going to make me fat. Well, they have failed so far because not only are they not making me fat, I seem to weigh less now. I’m one of those girls you hate because I can eat anything and everything and not gain an ounce. The difference between me and some of those girls though, I don’t go around calling myself fat. I also HATE that I can’t gain weight! I’m too freaking skinny and don’t like it at all!

Now with that said, I started my newest job this week. It has been my dream job! They keep telling us to be proud of ourselves, that not many people make it there. They picked us because we truly are the best in the field. Boy is the pressure on! I’m loving it! Loving the people, but the pressure…I’m freaking nervous! I’m afraid I don’t know enough, I’m afraid I’ll mess up, or not know the drugs or doses, or just…I’m fucking scared!!! But my man swears I know my stuff, that it all comes natural on a call, and that I was just born to be there. We shall see.

What does this jobĀ  have to do with having no ass? Well ALL of my uniform had to be ordered! I’m too freaking small! They had no shirts, dress shirts, polos, pants, boots, job shirts, coats…NOTHING in my size! They didn’t even have gear for me for vehicle accidents and what not. It’s horrible! But other than that…I FREAKING LOVE IT!!!!! They people are great, the job is great, the Chief is really cool, the officer staff is awesome…I just love it! I’m SO happy with the job! I will tell you more about the pressures and stuff, but for now I need sleep. I’m stuck at hell job tomorrow…it’s going to ruin my week!

Job Interview

I will kick myself in the ass if I fucked this up for myself! I’m suck a fucking idiot! Due to my horrible car accident my long term memory is shot, I actually have full sections of my life I can’t remember. I got asked at the end of the interview if I had tickets, even ones that are fixed. I said no, I was wrong. I don’t remember honestly but my mom swears I have two. FUCK!!! I will just die if I fucked this up!! I have to call Monday and try to explain, just fucking wonderful. I’m SO stressed! I literally didn’t sleep last night. I’m exhausted and praying for fucking Monday to show up! Just great! UGH! I don’t know if I should show up or call…I don’t know if I should just say fuck, I already fucked myself and give it up. I hate me right now!

Skipping a Holiday

March 31st is Easter and I’m skipping it! I put into work and didn’t get scheduled at a single job of mine, FML! I was really hoping to work, it makes life easier, but as far as my family is concerned I’m working. I’m getting up in the morning, getting ready, dressed in work clothes and leaving to meet my man. We are spending the day geocaching!! : ) I can’t think of a better way to spend the holiday. I get to finally spend some time with my man, away from reality, enjoying ourselves as a normal couple. Maybe we can make geocaching a holiday tradition for us because this isn’t the first one I lied and skipped out on. Can you blame me? You would to if you were stuck with my family!

As for my day…well if you are watching the weather I about going to be snowed in soon. The only problem with this is I’m about to get snowed into hell job! It doesn’t matter how much it snows, I WILL be leaving tonight when my shift is over! I REFUSE to get stuck here! These people are fucking idiots! The city has been talking about shutting the department down, so what do these fuckers do? They decide to start a website and post addresses and HOME phone numbers for city officials! It’s really funny though, when I first read it I couldn’t help but laugh. They should probably have found someone that was literate and knew some basic English…fucking idiots! You just guaranteed we will get shut down…thanks. I’m glad though, the sooner they shut it down the sooner I’m done dealing with you assholes and won’t have to pay back any of my money for schooling. I appreciate it! Really, I do!

As for life, it’s going good. Been taking care of my puppy, he’s been so drugged, but he’s doing wonderful! Which makes me feel a million times better! He’s back to his happy, playful self! I started another blog, for my dog, and to work on my writing skills, if you want to read it just e-mail me and I’ll share.

Now off to work on my photography to try to keep me out of trouble while I’m stuck in hell job. I don’t need to get written up again because a bunch of assholes get their lie together and fuck me over.

Finally! Finally! FINALLY!!!!

Back when I started my EMS career, I had a department that was my goal to be on. I did everything to make it there, that’s what I wanted, that’s where I wanted to be. I haven’t posted much about this, but I did the written test for them a while back, then waited on a letter. After a wait that felt like FOREVER, I got a letter inviting me to the practical skills test.

I was SO nervous! But had a nice packet, cover letter, resume, reference letters, and handed it right to the Chief. They were impressed, where everyone else just brought the application and nothing more. My first test was ACLS…well FUCK! lol The patient lived, so I thought that was a good sign. Then moved on with the rest, the EKG test had me nervous because I wasn’t sure how much they wanted us to give, so I gave it all. I listed any MI, Axis deviation, you name it…I had it. I left there feeling ok, but not great because I was just nervous in general. I tried to laugh, look confident, and smile the entire time.

Today, while at the hospital with a patient, I ran into one of the guys that tested me. He recognized me, tracked me down, and said, “Hey, did you get your letter?” I wasn’t getting off till tonight, so I had no idea if it had come in the mail yet. I told him no, he said, “Oh well they mailed them yesterday so it sure be there today.” I told him I would be sure to look for it and to have a great shift. Then I started thinking…he said “did you get your letter”, not “how’d you do?” or anything like that…am I thinking too much into this? I tried to push it out of my mind.

A few hours later I got a text from my mom telling me a letter had come in the mail from the place I tested. I said ok and left it at that. I didn’t want her to open it because if I didn’t move on I know hearing it come from her would make it that much worse. It felt like the day took FOREVER after that! I mean FOREVER! Each time I looked at the clock I swear it had the same time on it! Finally, shift ended, rushed home to find my letter. I didn’t know what to do first…I felt it, it felt thick. Can I really open it? Geez…what if it’s a no…I’ll be so disappointed in myself. Finally I sat down with it, my puppy came to join me. I opened it up and…

I INTERVIEW NEXT WEEK!!!! This is JUST what I need!! : )