Pissed Off!

I’m pissed off right now! And sick so pardon my language!

I laid in bed all day yesterday, zero strength to get up. I don’t think the antibiotics are working because I’m so sick to my stomach, throwing up, and going back and forth between hot and cold sweats! It started yesterday and hasn’t stopped. I’m not in much pain but I’m so sick and weak I can’t even get myself up out of bed!

I thought I could count on my man to help me…apparently not! He said he had to work, fine no problem. What was he really doing? We worked for about 20 minutes then went hiking! Are you fucking kidding me?? My mom naturally never came home, can’t get ahold of my brother. I have no food to eat because I wasn’t expecting the surgery. I can’t get myself to the story, at least not safely. I literally have only nibbled on some bread and had my last two yogurts today. That is ALL I’ve had since Monday night!!

I’m pissed off beyond belief!! If he’s fucking sick I’m right there caring for him and getting everything he needs, even when I’m stuck working!! Me? I have fucking surgery and he takes off on a fucking hike!!! Don’t even CALL to check up on me!!! Fuck this! I’m done with him and every one else in this stupid fucking life!

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Hurting, But Alive…For Now

I’m here, for now. I’m hurting so bad right now and have so much anger. I just can’t even being to talk about it right now. Fuckers at hell job fucked me over big time! They figured out how to get me in trouble and it worked. I fucking hate them!

As for CCEMT-P class…well I’m still in it…for now. Test number one, I got 77% on. You have to maintain 75% or higher in the class or you get kicked, so I dodged that bullet. We had the option to retake the first test, which I decided to do. I lucked out and got 97%! Fuck yea! The second test is what goes in the grade book but my class grade is an average of the two test, that puts me at 87% in the class. Not too shabby. I passed EMT and Paramedic with an A in both of them, so it’s frustrating to have a B right now, but I should be happy because I haven’t been kicked from the class…yet.

A few of you have checked up on me, I’m still here and I’m sorry I haven’t gotten back to you. I will soon, I just haven’t felt like it. I’m depressed, majorly depressed. I will get back to you soon, I promise.

Year One

I’m taking a break from studying and blogging tonight because according to WordPress I started my blog one year ago today. So what has changed in this year..well nothing really. Still love my man! Still hate hell job. And oddly enough I’m still in school! But I’m blogging today for more than just the fact that you guys have been stuck reading this crap for a year now. I’m pissed off! Sorry! I’ll warn you now…just skip this one, your life will be better.

I might as well start with class. Critical Care is kicking my ass! Holy shit!! And I’m only in the beginning! My man says I’m way more intelligent than I give myself credit for and that I’ll do just fine but I’m still scared! I don’t want to fail this! He spent several hours out of his busy schedule to quiz me and I did great! So far…now I just need to study more. But for now a break and my blog!

I had a talk recently with my man about his jobs. He changed his part time job recently, said it would be better for us because he’ll have more time off. Well, he has NOT had more time off and I see him about 25% of what I did before. I sent him a very long e-mail about it, basically telling him how I feel. I sent the e-mail because given my past, I’m poor at communication, and because I never see him to tell him. He took it really well and has been trying to do better so he took some time off to sit with me and study tonight. He also promised to meet me for a couple hours before my test on Friday. God I pray I pass this shit! I will also be turning in my application and resume package to the other job in hopes that something happens with that.

Now the reason I’m so pissed off. Chief Bitch and hell job! First, once again the bitch has NOT responded to my e-mails! She was given information LAST week that she NEVER bothered to pass on to me! Then I show up to work today…it’s 61 degrees INSIDE!!! Yea, it’s a whole 12 degrees outside!! WTF!?!? The furnace went out LAST FUCKING WEEK!!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?! She’s fucking USELESS!!! She’s going on about how she has to get bids and shit…you don’t have to get fucking BIDS! This is a fucking EMERGENCY SITUATION!!! You don’t have to fucking wait for bids!!! I fucking froze my ass off!!!!! I’m livid! Which is why I left the station to meet my man and warm up! And not like that, just meet and study.

I meet with one of the Assistant Chiefs of Police about working with the officers and seeing how many are interested in the suicide training. He said I did an excellent job of presenting all the information to him and he’s sold! Awesome! Now he just needs to present it to his guys and see how they like the idea and I need to present it to Chief Bitch…FUCK! She’s going to be a livid fucking bitch about it…just great! The training officer is out right now, he was the one I working with on it. Ugh! I’m just going to wait and see for a while if he is coming back soon so I can avoid the bitch! She just makes life such a living fucking hell for me! And it’s all stupid fucking shit!

Now, on the to next bullshit that pissed me off with today in hell job. I’ve been working as a medic longer and have been licensed longer than this other idiot that was working today but he thinks he knows everything. He’s a Paragod! He will only get up to do something if he knows someone is watching, otherwise he sits on his ass. He’s a piss pour medic. He’s an arrogant fucking asshole! Well my truck gets sent on a call and he decides to self dispatch himself…I told him to disregard, he went anyway. I get on scene and tell him he’s not needed. He STILL continues to respond!! Then comes in the house “just to see if everything is ok”! Are you fucking shitting me?!?! If I fucking needed you, I would tell you to come! Leave me the fuck alone! I’m not fucking stupid! I can handle my fucking patients! I just wanted to walk out and say, “here, since you’re here handle this one!” It just pisses me the fuck off! You became a medic AFTER me and you think you are going to help ME?! Now I’m not saying I know everything, because I don’t, but I’ve been his ass first hand on a calls…not pretty!

Anyway, that is life right now. Or at least life today. I’m going crazy. This job makes me want to visit the local bridge with all the other jumpers! But for now all I can do is say FUCK YOU! And continue to put my focus on studying. I couldn’t really afford this class and didn’t have time to apply for scholarships, so I better get my ass in gear and pass this crap the first time!

Fuck You Family!!!

I’m fucking pissed! And I don’t care if this doesn’t seem like a big fucking deal to you, but you have NO idea what I go through!!! Don’t tell me to get over it!

The whole fucking family gets to celebrate Christmas tonight, everyone except me! They get to open their damn gifts I got them, while I sit at work. They get to have a nice home cooked meal while I enjoy my Ramon Noodles and McDonald’s. They get to enjoy theirselves while I’m busting my ass in the 18 degree weather getting paid 9 fucking dollars an hour! And I had ONE fucking request and they fucked me over again!!!

I asked someone to drive the 3 minutes out of their way to drop my gifts off, but no! The control bitch of a sister I have drove 20 MINUTES out of the way to drop the gifts at the house and said, “you can open them next week.” Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? You get to celebrate and open you shit tonight, then go out of your way to fuck me over some more?!? As if Chief Bitch hasn’t fucked me over enough!! Forcing me to work the holiday then giving me TWO 12 hour shifts for the ENTIRE MONTH of January when I was averaging 10-15 24 hour shifts a month!

So family and Bitch…FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!

Back to Life

I’m alive, though I cannot say all is well. I’m fucking livid right now! But more on that later, first…vacation.

I love the mountains! And got my first snow fall in early! It was B-E-A-utiful! : ) I love the snow! Hate the cold, but love the snow! And hell, if it’s going to be cold, then it might as well snow, right? I really enjoyed my time away, sorry I was absent from here, I just took a break from every part of life and didn’t answer any texts, e-mails, or anything. Except of course those from my counsins and Rocks (you should feel special). I love going out there because everyone is so accepting of my man and I and they don’t care, they just think of us as “normal.”

The first night out we got in late, so we just sat around the house and didn’t do much. The second day there we did some shopping and hanging around during the day, then volunteered for an event in Longmount and I got some great pictures (which I promise to try to get up soon, those of you that know my photography page…well you get the lucky preview!). Then on Saturday my man and I got up early and headed into the mountains. If you don’t know, there is a fire burning in Rocky Mountain National Park, which is my favorite place to explore. In fact, the day after I left Colorado in October, this fire started, illegal camp fire, and it has burned about 3,000 acres and is still burning. Some of the places I got beautiful pictures last time are burned up and others I couldn’t even get to this time. It’s a shame, but fortunate that no one has been killed. Despite the fact that the forest needs a good burn every one and a while, it needs to be done naturally, not because some idiot can’t listen to fire bans!

On Sunday we just sat around the house mostly, wondered out for a short period, but it was too damn cold to do anything! It was a grand total of 7 degrees that morning! Ouch! Then Monday morning off to the airport bright and early with a grand total of 10 degrees. Holy crap! And I thought I was going to come home to warmer weather…it was a high of 32 the past two days…someone thaw me out please! The worst part about coming home, was the fact that I was coming home, but also that the damn airport seemed to have the freaking AC on! WTF?! Is all of Denver that crazy?? Despite the fact that my man was a little chilly, he put his coat on me because my skinny ass can’t handle the cold that much. Ha!

So now I’m back and fucking reality has kicked in and this morning I screamed, “Fuck the fucking fuckers!” (Pardon my language.) And before you ask…yes, I’m back at “hell” job today! Man this place just makes a person want to take a fucking gun to the head! (I won’t do that Rocks, I promise!!) There is just SO much lazy and stupid…it’s like in super excessiveness! I’m beyond pissed this morning! When I leave my house I turn my tone pager on, and for those of you that don’t know…it’s that annoying black box carried on the belt that loves to interrupt your meal, sleep, relaxations time, holidays, visits, etc.

I get in my car, start driving to work and notice how bright and beautiful the stars are, just like they were my first night in Colorado, the only night we had clear skies, and just like the morning I left there. It was just beautiful. Then that annoying black box interrupts my thoughts, normally not a big deal, however I notice that the truck that got dispatched is the one I am suppose to be driving three hours away to a factory for warranty and repair…that same fucking truck that this lazy fucking ex-Lieutenant was SUPPOSE to have out of service! The one I was suppose to leave with a fucking hour ago now! And to make matters worse, this new USELESS fucking “Chief” we have…the bitch sent me an e-mail that she is not picking me up, I have to wait for the truck…not fucking happening! I’m suppose to be at my other job this evening and I’m making the bitch drive to get me!

I’m just fucking pissed! That asshole KNEW I was taking the truck, he has TWO other’s available here that aren’t staffed, and he fucking took it on the call!!! And the worst fucking part…the dick takes THREE hours to run calls that shouldn’t take more than 1.5. He’s a fucking SLUG! I’m just so pissed off right now, I can’t even explain it! Back to fucking hell! So I’m making this useless ass bitch come get me AND take me back tomorrow! Here, allow me to share the e-mail I got at 10pm last night concerning the matter…and note that anything in ( ) are my thoughts and were added by me for your enjoyment.

Insert my name here,

I talked with “the guy that hates dealing with her” over at “said factory” yesterday and asked him if he absolutely needed me to accompany you tomorrow. He stated that he didn’t need me to be there since he already had the list of repairs (and because he knows how useless she is!) and you would be there to give further information if needed. I’m extremely confident with your knowledge of the vehicle that you can handle any questions that he may have. (That’s because you couldn’t and he contacted me about the truck!)

With all the issues I have that need to be addressed here at the office (which she isn’t doing shit about! I know for a fact because she passed my issue off!) and most of those needing some kind of computer access, which I do not have off site, I feel my time would be better served in the station. (Why? Not like the bitch does anything there!) Please make sure to monitor your time appropriately (which always included myself and the old Chief shopping, geocaching, and eating) and work with the techs at “said factory” to get as much done as possible within the time allowed.

Thank you,
“Your USELESS Chief”

So…in a couple hours, when I can FINALLY leave like I was suppose to do a long time ago, I’m going to drive all the way there, THEN make the bitch come get me! Then I’m going to make her fucking ass drive me back tomorrow to pick it up! Fucker! $20 says she won’t do it and will do anything to find someone else to…but I wouldn’t take that bet if I were you…you’ll lose, trust me.

I think what is making this day worse though is the fact that since I’ve returned my mother has turned back into the fucking bitch she’s always been! Man is she fucking moody! I guess the boyfriend she’s been trying to hide broke up with her…I don’t know and really don’t care. She loves hiding shit, just like the divorce, so I’m used to it and just don’t care any more. However, I don’t know why she’s got to be such a bitch. Complaining that I don’t pay enough bills and help out enough…I’m never home, always working…literally. I pay all my bills and plus some, I never make a mess and have been cleaning up after her drunk ass non-stop. I’m working FIVE jobs AND cleaning up after her…WTF more does she want?! She told me to expect to find my stuff outside one day…just great. Whatever. Maybe she should yell at my 22 year old brother that has NO job, has NEVER had a job, AND failed out of a community college! Just a thought…

The Week From Hell

A lot has happened these past few days and I am in a DEEP rut! I’ve been in been for days, thinking about things I shouldn’t. I’ve made some very bad choices, spontaneous choices I shouldn’t make, stupid decisions. I have said things I shouldn’t, but not one has been alerted to them. No on cares. I’m completely on my own. So here are the events of the week…

It started because of the wedding, this stupid fucking wedding. My family has always loved my sister more, she’ll go places in life, no me. I’m going no where. She’s married now, has been working a full time job, finishing up school (her associates degree), and bought a house. Me? I’m not doing anything good with my life…my 5 jobs, two degrees, acceptance into my bachelor degree with a scholarship…none of that matters. I almost bought a house on my own, but my contract didn’t get accepted at the last minute, they backed out. I bought a new car with mostly all cash. I have plenty of money in the back…but none of it matters. I’m a failure.

The rehearsal was the start of hell. My mom demanded I take my camera for pictures, fine whatever…got to practice. But the fighting started about my hair, it’s never good enough for her. I should make it look more like a girl…funny, it’s long enough and I style it, but it’s still not good enough. I tried curling it, I love my curls, but the wind just destroyed that so back to the shower I went. Spent two hours doing my hair for nothing, so I spent another two hours on it. Straightened it, then curled it differently so it’d look “decent” and that wasn’t enough. I’m never good enough. But I tried to make the best of the day. Which wasn’t good.

Then came wedding day. I had to work the night before so my sleep was lacking…this did not help the situation. Then while I’m getting my hair done, my mom has to make her little comment. I can’t tell you how much this hurt me. It hurt so bad! I just felt my heart shatter…I didn’t know what to say or do. I just sat there. I mean who does that?? And why?? What makes you say that? To your child! Your own flesh and blood??

I don’t get it…she’s made because I have a friend, that is a girl, that I hang out with and my man is in my life? WTF? Shouldn’t she be mad if I’m out drinking, on drugs, getting knocked up, in jail…isn’t that what parents should be concerned about? I don’t get it. Someone explain it to me because I don’t get it. I mean, I have friends that care about me (or so I thought). We don’t go out doing drugs. We aren’t in trouble with the law. Yes, we have fun, drink some, TP houses, break rules and laws, but I’m not in trouble for it. It’s all harmless fun and good times. Is that wrong?

As for my man…he doesn’t beat me, he doesn’t yell at me, he doesn’t have me knocked up, he doesn’t hurt me…is that wrong? He holds doors, chairs, is polite, kind, respectful, and everything good, but it’s wrong for him to be in my life? I just don’t get it!! I don’t understand!

So at the wedding everyone made comments about me being all dressed up, I got tired of hearing it and my aunt told them to shut up already. She said it doesn’t matter if I’m a jeans and t-shirt girl…that’s me, that’s who I am and there’s not a problem with it. I was glad for her helping me. Then my mom came over and wanted a picture. She started her comments, so I said, “I’m going to find my gay friend.” And tried to walk off, she pulled me back and said she was just kidding. I wasn’t. It fucking hurt! And I’m going to hate her forever for it! It was uncalled for and just fucking rude!

During the wedding fucking sucked because my sister included the entire family, except me! She didn’t have me in it at all, I did NOTHING! I felt like a fucking retard and worthless. After the wedding it was picture time. Guess who they forgot to put in the family picture…? Yep, that would be me! They fucking forgot me in the family photo!!!!!!! Thanks a lot! Just ensuring more than already that I’m not going to be missed. Thank you family.

Between the wedding and the reception I sat at home with my “gay” friend. My mom screaming and yelling everything she said. For the record, I woke up that morning with a headache and by this point it had turned to a migraine. I was hurting and my mom wouldn’t shut the fuck up! OMG! Then I come downstairs to get more water to down even more medicine…my mom and her friends are fucking smoking pot! Now I’m pissed! I’m all for people having a good time, fine whatever, but don’t do that shit with me in the fucking house!! I can get pulled at any time for a random drug test, I’ll be fucked if that’s in my system, no more job. Had someone called the cops…well, that arrest would mean no more job, no more license, no more career. She could have fucked up my whole life!! They were doing it right out front with neighbors outside and around…are you stupid?!?! Ugh!

So now I’m in serious pain (pot makes my headaches worse), angry, and pissed! Off to the reception I go. FML! I was hurting SO bad! I had so much pain, the sound made it worse, the movement and light was making everything worse. I was so so sick. I had taken 4 times the amount of medicine I was allowed. I was in tears, literally. People kept coming over and yelling in my ear, “What’s wrong with you?” I’m fucking hurting, what’s it look like!!! Ahhhhh!!!!!! I cried almost the whole night. It wasn’t until 5 hours later that my mom finally noticed me and told me to go home. She was pissed, go figure. I stayed because she would make me pay forever if I left. My dad came over after her and said to just go home and if my mom has a problem, she can talk to him. Just great…a family fight again, all my fault.

A few friends came over, they sat with me. My neighbor and his boyfriend came and sat with me. His boyfriend gave me a neck and back massage to help, which did some. Then a slow song came on, he took me to the dance floor and was a nice gentleman about it. Kissed my hand as he took me from the table, held me during the song, told my mom to leave me the fuck alone when she came over (literally!). I loved him for that. He told me out of my whole family, I’m his favorite! : ) That made me smile. If only he wasn’t gay, damn! He could have any girl he wanted between his looks and behavior! But I’m not looking, I have my man, just saying. So the song ended, he kissed my forehead (my favorite kiss) and my hand then walked me back to my table. That was the high light of my night. The only good from the day. I’m so glad for him.

Finally it got late enough, the party slowed down, and I took off. I came home and cried, for hours. I cried myself to sleep, I just cried and cried. Woke up sick the next day, my mom was being a bitch about it and I cried the entire day too. I was in tears all day. And again yesterday, I cried most of yesterday too. And today, I’ve been crying today. I just can’t take anything anymore, I can’t take this life. I started writing letter, then threw them again. I have a list, of people that deserve a letter, rather good or bad, when I’m gone. I started writing to them, to explain everything but how do you explain in a letter to someone why you killed yourself? Is that possible?

My reason might be wrong, but I’m still alive until I can figure out how to say that in a letter. I just can’t stay here anymore. I can’t live this life. I feel so alone, so hurt, so angry…I just don’t know what to do anymore. The pain never stops. Ever. Right now I’m buying a plane ticket, rather I use it or not is undetermined, but I am buying it anyway. I need a break. I don’t know where I’ll go when I get there, where I’ll stay, what I’ll do, but I need to go. I need to leave. I need to get away from the world!