Hello May!

Well good evening all! How’s life? Mine is confusing as hell! I’m so lost on where to start so a list and then cover it one by one, and apologize my medicine is not working at it’s best today so I will be all over today.

1. My mother and her boyfriend are getting married…less than a year from their “announced dating” and less than 3 years from her divorce…great idea…

2. My man! : )

3. The man my man is trying to set me up with.

4. My dirt bike.

5. Whatever else has happened…let’s think about it.

Let’s start…

1. Yea, my mother has a boyfriend…he’s JUST like my father! She divorced my dad because all he does is sit around drinking beer…that’s all he does! From the moment he gets up to the time he goes to bed. He drinks and sleeps. That’s it. I was suppose to go visit the family out of town but my mom and him decided they wanted to go…well I passed on going because I refuse to ride in a vehicle with him and I wasn’t going to deal with the bitch for driving myself separate. So I missed out…again. If it’s not work causing me to miss out, it’s her! I schedule myself for ever holiday, just so I can avoid her and my dad’s family….I feel so alone but I realize I’m much better off without them and the trouble they are determined to start. It makes my heart hurt until they hurt me again…then I remember why I’m so alone.

2. My man! Man I love him! And wish every day we could have a normal life…I just want a family and life with him…a fun filled life with him! He makes me so happy! We’ve gone camping some and have some great trips planned coming up so if you follow my photography page…watch for some pictures soon! If not and you want to see it, e-mail me…

3. The man my man is trying to set me up with…well that sounds like an episode of Jerry Springer! lol He’s still determined I find someone closer to my age and start a family and live happy together…well, a coworker of mine has been a friend for a while and my man is determined I actively seek after him…not going to lie, he is a great guy and just awesome, but I love my man…it tears me up. I’m so lost but my man is still here helping me any way he can, which is good. He loves me and is here for me, but I am to keep my mind and options open. He supports any decision I make.

4. My dirt bike…anyone want to contribute to my happiness?! : ) Just kidding…I’m working like every day…literally…and the 1 or 2 full 24 hours a month I get off work is spent either working on my bike or finding a friend I can ride with to take it riding. It’s what keeps me happy and my man knows that. He even tries to arrange for me to get a ride somewhere to take my bike out. He says he loves to see my smile when I ride so tries to ensure I can do that. : ) I sure love it! I would LOVE to race! But there’s not affording that. I’m working SO hard to try and get myself a truck so I can go riding…I would love that but I won’t be able to afford that with my career choice…oh well.

5. Everything else…life is just keeping me busy. I’m really sorry I don’t post anything, my job keeps me busy and since I’m at it ALL the time…well it gets very hard trying to post. I apologize. I don’t always get to respond, but I do read what you all write, all of it! Keep writing, I love reading! Take care all. I’m off work for a few hours, spending it working on my bike to help me relax. : )

Life…What’s Happening?

I’m here, but not sure what to do with my blog. I guess right now I can start with an update of what has happened and what is going on.

I had a long talk with my man today…a VERY LONG talk! I will still refer to him as my man because right now I don’t know what else to call him. It has been a rough month, but he finally sat down with me and we talked. I did a lot of talking this time and he listened, he finally listened. But I guess I should start back at the beginning, when this all happened. I believe his birthday is what started all this, it’s a significant year for him, but he doesn’t like to celebrate his birthdays for obvious reasons. He doesn’t want to get old, which I don’t like either, but it’s part of life and part of this relationship.

When I think about our relationship, I don’t think about the age gap we have, I look at him as my equal, my best friend, and the one I want my life with. I can’t explain it, but I loved him long before I admitted it to myself. Something about him, we just connected from the beginning. He was the one for me, the one I wanted my life with and the one that was just perfect in so many ways for me! He was my best friend before anything else.

He let the age difference effect him more than I thought. I knew from the beginning that choosing a life with him would be different for me. We were in some different stages of life, but we fit together so perfectly. I knew that I may miss out on some things, but I’ve never been one to go out to the bar. I don’t drink because of my parents so my chances of finding someone my age and someone that doesn’t want to go to the bar all the time is practically impossible. Things just fit with us because of that and so much more.

After our talk today, he said the reason he “left” like he did and hasn’t been in my life, was because he was hoping I would go out and find a nice “young man” that would treat me right. Basically, that backfired. The further away he pushed me and the further away he went, the more I wanted time with him. I just missed him more and more every day. He finally understands now, after this long talk, that his way of handling that wasn’t the right way.

He said he always wants to be in my life, but he thinks it better if I find someone more “suitable” for me but I told him I had what was suitable for me. No one will ever treat me as good as he did, no one will ever love me like he did, no one will ever make me as happy as he has, and no one will ever be what he was to me. I just can’t describe it. I love having him as a friend, but I love him as so much more! I don’t want to find someone else, I don’t need to find someone else. I had everything I wanted but he says I deserve more. I don’t know what more is out there…but I don’t think I need to find it.

Today’s talk went good and we planned a camping trip soon, to get away for a few days and talk about this all. We are taking a trip, to one of our favorite camping spots, where no one knows us, and we are going to talk about it. About all of this, what we are and what we want out of life and what we are going to do. We are going to spend a little time together between then and not make any decisions before that trip. So for now, my life just kind of hangs but I am sure glad he’s finally talking to me about all of this. I hope we can figure it out because I can’t take the pain of not having him in my life.

I would also like to thank everyone that responded to my posts, I’m very sorry I didn’t respond back. I was having a real hard time with all this and I appreciate your kind words and help. Thank you!

Know Your Limit…and Stop

As you know, I recently had that little “surgery” to get that tooth out. It felt SO much better to have out! I’m not happy about what happened, but the problem is “fixed” now…just have to save money and hope I can get an implant now. More money…more bills…just what I don’t need! Oh well I guess…that’s just my life. You would think I would be used to this by now…guess not. The removal went well, doctor said it came out easily and wouldn’t be too hard to recover from, which it wasn’t. It was painful, and sore, but overall it wasn’t horrible. I took the pain meds the first 2 days but after that I used only ibuprofen.

Anyone that works with medicine, you know that high doses of ibuprofen does not mix well with high heat. I had my weekly training for the fire department, no big deal…except for the fact that I forgot I had taken a high dose of ibuprofen…uh oh. Ibuprofen, heat, humidity, and full gear…not a good combination! My body already has a hard time regulating it’s temperature, I can’t fight off the cold or heat since my horrible fever when I was younger. I had a temperature of 106.7…and yes, I am alive today. It was horrible! And I’ve had problems since. It caused a problem at training.

I remember being given a command and saying ok, but never got up. The BC asked if I was ok, I remember telling them yea but just felt so out of it. Then him and someone else picked me up by my coat and drug me over to get my gear off. Stripped off my gear, got cold towels on me, cold fluids slowly and laid me down. They took care of me great and arranged me a ride home and everything. They did great for me! I came home and slept…for hours! Almost didn’t get up the next morning for work. It felt good to finally have some sleep though. I have not been sleeping well at all.

My man decided that he wants me to find someone I can spend my life with, grow old together, have a family…you know…a “normal” relationship. His plan to help me find someone…? Abandoning me. I haven’t see or heard from him much at all. He just took off, has camping, floating, and all these plans with everyone…nothing with me. We had plans for the summer but he changed it all…no longer am I going on vacation because he cancelled that for me. I’m just alone now. Lost and told to go find someone my age. That’s it…that’s his plan. Leaving me…it will fix everything, right?

I’m not happy. I’m hurting. I’m alone. I’m stuck. I’m abandoned. Everyone else has the summer plans made, trips and everything…I now have nothing. The ONLY camping trip we had planned, he cancelled and made plans to go with some new camping group he joined. You have no idea how much that hurts. And how did I fix this hurt? I made sure he knew it! I told him how much it hurt! I told him what he did! I told him how I felt! I let him have it!

What has that done? Nothing. Not a single thing. He has tried to make a few plans…a trip to my favorite swimming location, a small float down a nearby river…but no trips to my favorite river. None of my friends have money to make the trips and go camping with me. They only have money for one trip and have it planned so I’m just here. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t know what to do! I hurt and nothing stops it! i just hurt so bad.

What Now?

Why must life be so complicated? So confusing? How did I fall in love with a man nearly twice my age? How did this happen? If you had told me this would happen, I never would have believe you, but love is blind. It’s not his age, it’s how we get along, it’s how he cares, truly cares about me.

Recently I had problems with my man, he forgot my graduation and planned a trip instead. We have the same problems every relationship has, we have disagreement but we move on. The one thing that is different about our relationship is the age and how that part effects our lives. He has expressed concern about how other people might see our relationship and doesn’t want it to hurt me. I really don’t care if they hate our relationship, it’s not theirs. I have had trouble with my family, but they were piss poor anyway so who cares? Honestly, if they left my life would be better off.

We have discussed recently some other problems that come into play with an age gap relationship. Children. I have always wanted to be a mom! I want at least 3 kids, I want to give them everything I didn’t have, love, kindness, and a parent that cares. My original plan in life was to work part time and home school them, but plans change. Life changes. At first my man said how much he wanted to raise a family with me, how he knows what a great mom I’ll be.

Recently he claims to have been thinking a lot and isn’t sure kids are a good idea. I completely see his side, he’s close to retirement, how can he afford kids and raise them? That is his concern. That and he can’t stand to leave me behind, if something happened, if he were called up early in life. I told him that will be figured out if/when that time comes, God forbid. I could marry someone my age and lose them in a car accident, or they walk out on me. Life is uncertain. He saw this when his coworker lost her husband this week, he died at the young age of 40, leaving her to raise their 10 year old son alone. That’s life, it happens. Does it hurt? Yes, but I have come to accept the fact that people die. It is life’s cycle, some are just able to keep it away longer. I would rather spend the time we both have on this earth together.

He told me he would stick around until I found someone, that he loves me enough to let me go and not hold me back from my plans in life. That hurts me, in a way I can’t explain. I don’t want to find someone else, I have the person I want in life. He did tell me that if I were to find someone else he would be very concerned about how I’m treated, how well they take care of me, and how he would worry all the time if I’m happy.

Regardless of what he says, I know what my heart wants. I know who I want to be with for whatever time I have on this earth. I know what I want and I refuse to let it go.

Beyond Grumpy!

I am beyond grumpy, angry, mad, worked up, and am just fucking pissy! So much for my one and only weekend off! Naturally everyone has to come along and fucking ruin it!

There seems to be a nation wide outage on my cell carrier, can’t do anything unless I’m on a wifi connection! It started some last week, but went out all together Thursday night! If you have the same problem, then you also have AT&T! Assholes!!!! I drove 45 miles into town to trade out my phone only to get home and see the problem wasn’t fixed. Drove the 45 miles into town again to change out my SIM card to find out that didn’t fix the problem either. Used my mom’s phone, same problem. Texted some friends, they had the same problem. Got online, many people with the same problem! Called AT&T back to be told, “if this was a problem for everyone then we would have tickets on it.” I had been trying for 2 days to get the dicks to create a ticket! Of course you have none because your damn customer service won’t let us create any!!! Called two more times an FINALLY got a ticket yesterday night! Called back today to bitch some more and got told, “this is a known problem but it’s Sunday so it will not be fixed.” Direct fucking quote!! I have been trying since THURSDAY to get you assholes to fix this but you wouldn’t believe me!!! So guess what…you are getting one nasty phone call tomorrow!!!! I foresee a discount on my future bill!

The outage affect many sites, not all, but things like eBay, Craigslist, ESPN, Twitter, and MANY more. But it also shut down geocaching! Can’t access the site or use any app linked to it from my phone without a wifi connection! My ONE AND ONLY weekend off and it chooses THIS weekend to stop fucking working!!!!! I’m upset about more than just my phone though, that just definitely did NOT help the situation.

I planned this weekend off because my man had a camping tripped planned and said I can go along if I’m not working. His words were, “don’t take off of you can’t afford it but if you’re off let’s camp.” Well, naturally I couldn’t afford to take off, hell I’m still living on scraps and Ramon noodles. My clothes are WAY to big for me and it’s just a mess. So I didn’t take off, but I didn’t get scheduled so I planned on camping. On Thursday he tells me, “I don’t think you’ll like this camping trip, it’s a bunch of old people going, so why don’t you stay home and hang out with your friends.” Fine, whatever! But you didn’t have to wait till the night before you are leaving to tell me!!!

You saw from my previous I passed critical care class. Our graduation is coming up and I invited my man to come. He’s really the only person I have that I want going, besides my friends but they have to work. He agreed he’d go and said he was excited for me. Well after he ditched me for this weekend I looked at our calendar. We share a calendar so he doesn’t miss my important events and we can plan trips and stuff. I see on the calendar the night of my graduation that he has a camping trip planned. He has known about my graduation date for 3 weeks! 3 FUCKING WEEKS and he plans a camping trip during it! With his bitch daughter that he is constantly complaining about! I’m fucking livid! Not only did he blow me off this weekend, he blew off my graduation and is planning camping with everyone BUT ME! And he can’t figure out why I’m upset…I told him not to talk to me right now. He’s texted me a few times and tried calling to see if I was ok. I told him “alive” once and hung up. I really have no desire right now to talk. It just hurts that he did that and thinks me being upset is uncalled for.

I had a brief conversation with him earlier, explained AGAIN why I am upset and he still didn’t get it! Kept telling me it’s healthy to do things outside the relationship, which I completely agree, but THAT is not why I’m upset!! I gave up and said don’t text or call until you hear from me. It just really hurts right now and everything else has me worked up too. Yea, I’m over reacting, I’m such a bitch for telling him to leave me alone but this graduation was important to me and the ONLY person I wanted there and promised to be there blew me off again. So you know what, he can go camp all by himself with all these other people because I’m tried of trying to “schedule time” to see him and then him canceling it. He has plenty of time to spend with other people so I’m done wasting my time trying to see him!

Hurting, But Alive…For Now

I’m here, for now. I’m hurting so bad right now and have so much anger. I just can’t even being to talk about it right now. Fuckers at hell job fucked me over big time! They figured out how to get me in trouble and it worked. I fucking hate them!

As for CCEMT-P class…well I’m still in it…for now. Test number one, I got 77% on. You have to maintain 75% or higher in the class or you get kicked, so I dodged that bullet. We had the option to retake the first test, which I decided to do. I lucked out and got 97%! Fuck yea! The second test is what goes in the grade book but my class grade is an average of the two test, that puts me at 87% in the class. Not too shabby. I passed EMT and Paramedic with an A in both of them, so it’s frustrating to have a B right now, but I should be happy because I haven’t been kicked from the class…yet.

A few of you have checked up on me, I’m still here and I’m sorry I haven’t gotten back to you. I will soon, I just haven’t felt like it. I’m depressed, majorly depressed. I will get back to you soon, I promise.

Early Christmas!

Today was a pretty good day, minus the sinus infection I woke up with! I was stuck in hell with Chief Bitch but I spent as much time as possible avoiding her. In fact, I spent all day avoiding her! I spent the day with my man, except for the few calls we had. Since we both work the next couple days and aren’t sure we’ll actually be able to see each other on Christmas we decided to do gifts today, just in case. He loved his! I was so excited! And he was so surprised!

Last year for Christmas, my man got me and Xbox, which he refers to as my “therapy” device. I used Call of Duty to suppress my anger, boy does it help! After my brother moved in with my dad I was Xboxless and last year my man fixed that for me! I was SO happy! We this year he out did himself again!! While I was hiding out with him, he gave me one gift and told me to use it right away. Since I wasn’t feeling good at all, he knew this would help me and give me something to do…

IMG_2973Ted!!!! : ) I love that movie! It’s funny, sad, and just awesome! Back when my man and I first got together I hated the fact that he couldn’t hold me all night or stay, so he got me a teddy bear to keep with me. We named him Patches. Patches goes everywhere with me!! Even work…but shhh no one knows that! So since Patches came to work and we both went to hide out with my man, then opened this gift, Patches and I watch the movie…sort of. The sinus infection knocked me out for a while. But it was great, my man held me till I fell asleep and then took really good care of me when I woke up. I got very lucky and had just two calls for my truck so avoiding the station was easy.

After we got done with the movie he was too excited for me to wait for some of my other gifts, so he had me open the next one…

IMG_2974Currently we cache with my man’s older eTrex and love it! But it’s outdated, wasn’t designed for geocaching then and just slowed down, so he got me this one!! How cool!! I’m so excited! I had been looking at them for a while, considering it, but knew the one he has was fine for us. Well, he decided that I needed my very own for any adventures I go on and I was extremely surprised about it! I can’t wait to go out and use it!! If only it would freaking warm up here!

He also got me a Kinnect for my Xbox with the Harry Potter game! : ) I was so excited for that too!! I admit…I’m the Harry Potter generation!! And was so excited to see this game come out and even more excited when he picked it out all on his own for me!! He’s great to me!!

He came home with me tonight after work to take care of me, brought me food which I was unable to eat, and rubbed my back until I was calmed down and comfortable. Got me anything I needed and just sat here with me. God I wish he could stay with me! I hated seeing him go SO bad! It hurts! We just had a wonderful little Christmas to ourselves and he has to leave. It hurts so bad.

As for Christmas…every year I make my own cards, but this year I failed miserably because I just mailed them today! Between work, work, and more work I never got a chance to finish them until Wednesday, then Thursday we were so busy I never made it to the post office!! Oh well..I just hope everyone gets them at least by the day after at the latest. Here is a preview of my cards.

IMG_2964

Looking at this picture I realize my carpet looks like I haven’t vacuumed…ever. WTF?! I just did it right before this picture…guess I need to try again. I’m off to bed to try and recover from this infection some because my next day off is Christmas Day.

Oh, and Chief Bitch update…she refuses to talk to me, literally! I asked a question today and she ignored me!! Fucker! (Pardon my language) And she finally added me to the schedule…a whole fucking TWO days!!! I went from averaging 20 shifts a month to just TWO FUCKING shifts!!!!!! And it happened as soon as the bitch took over the fucking schedule because she just has to be in control of everything! Can I hit her?? That’s all I want for Christmas!